Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?
So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.
You
- haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
- you lack financial resources, or
- you're in business with your abuser, or
- the kids are too small, or
- the kids are almost out of school, or
- the abuser needs you, or
- fill in your reason here.
Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).
I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.
Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important
Irresponsible Advice
It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.
- I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
- If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.
Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.
Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option
Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.
Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.
Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.
Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship
You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.
Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.
You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.
There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.
You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.
Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.
Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.
Concepts to Accept About Yourself
You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.
You are lovable.
You deserve respect.
You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.
You are powerful.
You can learn, grow and adapt.
You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).
You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.
You decide who stays in your life.
You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.
You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.
APA Reference
Jo, K.
(2014, January 22). Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, December 27 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/01/why-cant-i-leave-abuse
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
Then there are so many women that very much abuse their men as well.
Reading all these posts is so encouraging, amazing how you guys found strength and how all of our problems relate, I am in a very verbal abusive marriage but also scared to leave - but my reason is what will people think...advice please!
Good morning Denise,
I saw your post while doing some research for work. I was in a severely verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for nearly 20 years. I finally left in June of last year. My reasons for staying was also that I was worried what everyone would think. I had told no one of the abuse. One thing that I found was that people know more than you think. I recently started a new career for a non profit committed to eliminating Intimate partner violence. I have learned so much about my own experience and about intimate partner abuse as well. My advice for you is to educate yourself on all possible options. You may find the opportunity to leave soon, in many years, or not at all. You will know when it is right and it is helpful to have a safety plan. call the national hotline, they can direct you to an Intimate Partner Abuse organization near you. Most hotlines will assist you in many ways even if you are not ready to leave. Feel free to reach out.
I’m 10 years into my second abusive relationship. I tried to hold onto both and try so hard to just focus on the good times which largely last a little longer than the bad. I have been able to escape by going to work but lockdown has been a living hell. My present husband is an abusive drunk and things he says are playing havoc with my peace of mind. I think the abuse has got much worse because he wants to push me away enough to broadcast sex acts online. Today’s newest act is ignoring the dog, who is unwell, and not letting him out, resulting in me clearing up poo and wee and walking dog in dark after a 10 hour day working from home. Usually the abuse is a weekend but because he has no work this week the abuse timeline has shifted to a week day. Spent all day in office / spare room worried about him making an online scene, turning off WiFi, etc. I work for NHS and have very responsible job. I feel so lonely and low, he’s in the spare room, where I’ve been sleeping doing his online sex acts. Don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this but give him another day or so he’ll be creeping around me. My problem is I cannot forget things he says; so awful I cannot repeat them and they are affecting any physical relationship I can have with him. Not sure why I’m so weak but getting to stage that cannot forget...
Hello Lisa Ann, I am Cheryl Wozny, one of the authors from the Verbal Abuse in Relationships blog. I am so sorry to hear about your situation, but I am very glad that you found the courage to reach out to someone and seek the help you need. Depending on your location, you may have access to a wide variety of resources in your community. You can start by visiting our page for Referral Resources here: https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer…. You may want to try the National Domestic Violence hotline for more help. I wish you the best of luck getting the support you need to help your situation.
Hi my name is Michelle ive
read the 1st bit of yourpage. And i can relate to all of it. I asked google to help me and got your page.
I dont really know what i'm doing here so please please please can SOME ONE HELP ME in any way. PLEASE.
Hi love, I am so sorry about what you're going through. I know this is so difficult for many people to talk about and understand. I'm glad you found us! I would recommend checking out this resource and calling someone about your situation if you can: https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer…. I would also recommend seeking a counselor if you're able to--they can give us the tools we need to navigate these hard times. I hope you continue to read our blog and find the inspiration and help you are looking for!
Love and light, Katlyn.
Hi my name is Nicole I myself am in a abusive relationship you ever want to chat my e mail address is Nicole19814@gmail.com
I agree with the vast majority of this but I don't agree to enjoy the sex. You shouldn't be having sex with anyone who abuses you, as that could be an abuse tactic in disguise. Perhaps you could be raped and don't even know it, alot of survivors of martial rape don't realize they're being raped until down the line. And don't "grab all you can" because the abuser will use that against you later. Keep your cool and distance. I would even suggest "enjoying the moment" because that's the whole point so the abuser can ensnare you with the honeymoon period so you could stay. Victims usually can't "enjoy the moment" because the "moment" becomes long term because they been "swooned" into staying. When your "enjoying the moment" all it is a manipulation tactic to make you stay longer. And you fall for it because your abuser is so slick and your not even realizing what happening. You enjoy the "good times" the "sex", the "laughs" the "jokes" the "all you can grab" and the "enjoying the moment" before you know you fallen snare to the honeymoon phase a.k.a "enjoying the moment" and you stay a week or two longer, or a months longer. I would say don't even enjoy it all, not for moment or a second because the minute you do you you'll get too comfortable. If you have the courage to completely ignore it, or reject it or display your disdain for the temporary fakeness your abuser shows, well do it. If you can't, act like you enjoy it, but don't or you will subconsciously fall for it. That's the reason why victims usually stay is because they want the good ol days back, wishing the abuser will change and that's easy to believe in "enjoying the moment" being it seems all to good and get too comfortable and let there guard down. I wouldnt even play the abusers mind games with "enjoying the moment", why even get him thinking your falling for his ways. Why even tempt yourself with "enjoying the moment" knowing you've put yourself in a position by your abuser to possibly fall for it. Your possibly setting yourself up for failure. Your playing with fire. If you don't play his mind games he won't have anyone to play with.
I got out of a abusive relationship with my mom. Alot of it applies to me. It helped me get out and I never did return after I was gone the first time.
Hi. I'm in a very bad emotionally abusive relationship. I've been seeing my boyfriend now for six months. It started out perfect, he wanted to see me all the time, talk to me all the time, etc. I thought I found the perfect guy for me. As the relationship progressed, it got worse. He is able to use/talk on the phone at work because he works construction. He wanted (and still wants to) be on the phone with me 24/7 while he is at work. I try my hardest to make up excuses to get off of the phone with him because it most likely always leads to bickering or a fight. Now that I started school again, he wants me to talk to him whenever I'm not in class or doing my school work. When I tell him that I have to go, he makes me feel bad by saying that I am "leaving him out there by himself." On top of it, we fight all the time, and when we fight it's very bad. He calls me a pathological liar and a cheater (all because my ex boyfriend texted me one time out of the blue to see how I was, and I told him it was just an old friend). He tells me that he has to beg me for sex, but I would give it up to anyone else with no problem. He has called my outfits ugly before and has called me worthless and basically a whore. I have to ask him to go anywhere, and I'm basically scared to go anywhere without telling him because he expects a call. He also tracks my location. I feel like I can't go anywhere without telling him first because he'll get mad at me. I basically have to ask him if I can go out with my friends, and if he doesn't want me to go out he makes me feel awful and manipulates me into not going out. He also tells me I'm not allowed to wear certain things. He wants me to spend so much time with him, whenever he's out of work. I feel like I don't have time to myself. I miss my friends, I miss being home with my mom, and I miss going to the gym. Last night we got into an awful fight because I went out with my friends to a party and I didn't tell him what happened there. I tried to leave him 5 times, and he always makes me feel bad about it. I don't know what's wrong with me, whenever I get the chance to leave I don't. I'm so stupid and so miserable. I've been thinking about breaking up with him but I don't know how to do it. My mom tells me that when I'm ready to leave him I will, but I'm so scared... what if I'm never ready to leave him? I just want my freedom back, I don't want to be controlled anymore. I don't even love him anymore, I'm more afraid of him than anything. I feel like I can't leave him because his mom is sick and he doesn't see his friends often. I feel like I'm all he has, but I can't be like this anymore. I'm not myself, I want my life back. I want to go out, have fun and not have to worry about this bull anymore. A relationship shouldn't be this hard. I feel like another reason why I wont leave him is because I don't want to experience another heart break... I already lost my dad 2 years ago and I just want to be happy. I feel like I'm lost. I need to get out of this awful relationship but he wont let me leave. I haven't even mentioned some other stuff. He talks over me, doesn't let me speak, points his finger in my face, gets all up in my face, etc. I feel like this might lead to him hitting me, but I don't think he would ever do that. After a fight I always apologize because he makes me feel like i'm the one in the wrong, when I know that I'm not. I'm so miserable, I spend all my time fighting with him and it's not healthy. I'm not myself anymore. I don't know why I can't leave him. I need help. He makes me feel like he's the best boyfriend ever, that he doesn't give me a reason to worry, that he never cheats, that he treats me like a queen. WHICH IS FALSE AND I KNOW IT'S FALSE BUT I CAN'T LEAVE HIM. I'm so miserable and this reply is all over the place but I'm just letting everything out now
Hi love. My heart reaches out to you. I'm so sorry you're in this position. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone and that many many people are in your exact situation. There's nothing wrong with you for finding it difficult to leave because it is an extremely difficult situation. I hope that this resource will help you. https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/domestic-violence/how-to-report-domestic-violence-dome…. I also hope that you are able to talk to others about your situation, whether it's friends, family or a therapist. Having other people know what you're going through can be really helpful for many reasons and it can sometimes open a door to leaving. My last personal piece of advice is to remember that other people are not in charge of our happiness, and I have found endless happiness in being single and loving myself before I'm ready to love someone else. So, if you're scared that leaving this person will mean you cannot be happy outside of a relationship, try to remember that that is not true in the slightest, and that he does not always make you happy. Love and light, Katlyn.
I have just got out of 25 years of harsh mental,physical,financial abuse. Lots of punches to the point my son saw twice his father hit me. The last thing he had done was punch me in the face and hammered me to the point that he broke my right clavicle.A year after that i finally got myself out and son. Am not sure what he is capable of doing next and i do not want to find out..Of course he denies it but i need to be strong for my son and i. The question everyone ask why i waited so long.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's important to remember that you're strong and brave for doing what you believe is best for you and your son. It can be extremely difficult to find your way out of an abusive relationship for many reasons, whether you felt manipulated or scared. It sounds like you have found the path toward healing after this trauma. I encourage you to reach out to a mental professional if you need someone to talk to about your experience, be proud of your progress and continue being strong! Love and light, Katlyn.
I have been with my abusive husband for ten years. he is mentally emotionally and physically abusive to me. I am scared to leave and also I am codependent. I want to leave but I keep saying to myself "I will miss him so much" I feel foolish thinking "I won't ever be able to hug him or kiss him again" or that I will be alone....also I AM scared of what he will do. We are trying to sell our house - and I think if we do it would be the perfect opportunity to leave....I feel weak because I don't leave.....I don't want to waste my life with this person I want to leave but every time I have a chance I back out. I am miserable I cry every day.
I wad in a relationship for 8 years but the last 3 year's was pure hell on earth. When we met it was the best thing that has ever happened to me .. I had someone that loved me and only me and accepted me for who i was and still thought i was beautiful. See i was close to 400 pounds the whole relationship, we moved out of state away from family and friends he just kept me fed and half assed paid bills. He felt safe knowing i was not wanted or desired by other men. Eventually I had enough I got tired of being tired I got tired of the way I look and being in pain and being overweight I lost 160 lb my whole life changed in a Flash. I was getting attention guys were coming back to me left and right I was looking good I was wearing clothes I can never wear before my face looks like a whole different person Im finally beautiful, he became UGLY. Every time I went out he swear I was with another man I was cheating on him every time we went out together if other men looked at me he would get mad and try to start fights. He will try to get me to eat the unhealthy Foods he said he did not like smaller women and like to me when I was bigger. I finally realized my words I realize I did not have to be stuck with this man that I could do better. I could be better. I could go further in life without him holding me back with his negativity and his in responsible and imature ways. A year ago one morning I was getting ready for work and before I could get up to go to the bathroom she runs to use it before I do and it set me off because i really had to use it and he did it on purpose. So i started knocking on the door telling him to hurry up and get out.. He got so mad he cracked the door as i reached out to open it he slammed it catching my finger.. Then grabbing to the floor.. Eventually choking me.. At that point i thought it was it.. Because he has threatened before to kill me.. He has slapped me around and pushed but this time he didnt stop.. I was scratching for dear life until i kicked him in his private part got up and grabbed my purse ran out the door to my car.. He was right behind me. I was able to get in and lock the doors so he grabbed a huge rock busted my windshield window.. As i hurry up and try to drive away.. He picked it up threw it and busted my back window i drove as far as i could see to the closest store yesterday drink because my throat was on fire.. But i sat in the parking lot and broke down. The people in the store ran out to ask if i was ok because of my car.. But they seen my blood shot eyes bloody fingers and called the police. Police came i tild them he just damaged my car.. The cop said "he also strangled you" at first i denied it .. Then i said yes.. He was able to tell the blood vessels in my ass were broken and i couldn't turn my neck.. The officer was so angry he speed away to my address. My boyfriend fled the scene.. But proceeded to call me.. The officer told me to put it on speaker he said " im sorry.. I love you.. You made me do it.. Please dont put me in jail" i went along with it hoping he would come home but he didnt. The officer said he sounds like a sociopath and he needs to be in jail. But since he ran me and the cop came up with a plan.. He told me eventually he is going to come back.. Play it cool like every thing is ok.. When he is good and sleep secretly call the cops so he can the be arrested. So i did just that.. I left the doors unlocked went in the bathroom called the cops the came in woke him up and took him to jail
Free at last, he is where he belongs. I go to his pre trial and the charge him with felony strangulation which carrys a prison sentence and destruction of property. He was served with a restraining order sonhe could not call me but boy his family did begging me not to show up not to testify.. That he is sorry and so in love with me and that hell never do it again.. Blah blah.. I was court order to go and guess what.. I didn't he was released after a month and we got back together. He made all the promises "illl never disrespect you.. Or hit you again, ill get help.. Ill stop smoking weed" .. Wrong it was good for maybe a month then back to being every name under the sun and abuse. One night i made him dinner for when he came home from work.. I was napping before hand so i couldn't hear my phone when he walked in the door. He started Screaming at me .. Calling me names accusing me of cheating. Took the food off the stove and poures it on my head.. Takes my glasses and breaks them now i cant see.. Takes dish soup shoves it in my mouth and squeezes the bottle .. Then takes his foot and try to shove his dirty foot with his srinky sock all in my mouth and over my face then starts punching in my bottom. Takes my phone and smaches it.. I run out blind to my car.. At this point ive learned to hid my keys and purse in a spot i can grab it just in case and i drive to a walmart its 1 in the morning im walking looking like carrie from the movie with food and soap all over me.. With bo shoes on.. They thought i was crazy .. I bought some shoes and new clothes went into the restroom to change.. I didnt even cry this time i was used to it until one person asked me if i was ok.. I broke down.. This lady let me come to her house for the night bought me food took me to get a new phone told me to call my mom.. I did i told her everything my mom was schocked and asked my if somthing was wrong with me.. Why do i keep going back.. I promiced her this time i wasn't going back.. Well i did i dont know why i couldnt stay strong.. I had all the money.. The car the apartment was mine.. I paid all the bills he half assed everything i had
. the smarts.. And now new looks i could easily leave find some one esle, but for some reason i could not leave.. I felt like i couldnt trust know ome esle.. I always said well he doesn't cheat on me.. He never comes home late or hides his phone.. He buys me things and give his money when he has it.. He is in love with me.. I was and still mentally confused.. I got strong enough to make him leave for 6 months but he promise he changed i let him come back
Well fast foward to exactly four months ago today. I get the best news of my life.. I was pregnant.. I have been trying for 8 years .. I thought i could not have kids. I was told by doctors i would have a hard time conceiving naturally well the weight loss was my cure. I told him the good news i was over the moon i thought he would be to since he always accused me of secretly taking birth control since I was eating pregnant because he wanted a baby. The first thing he says is not mine and if you really are pregnant I want you to prove it he went and bought a pregnancy test and made me pee on it. He seemed happy called all his family members and friends and told him he was having a baby, that lasted a day.. The next day we got into an agrument about me talking on the phone to my mom to long.. We went back and fourth then the name calling and then he struck me.. And stuck me.. And shoved me and told me he was really going to kill me.. I climbed out the bed room window ran to my car went to the hospital got checked out. They called the police i got a order of protection.. Stayed in a hotel room until he was served and taken to jail. He got out two weeks later but i have not looked back.. I have to protect my baby.. The baby gave me strength this time to be strong and to don't ever go to him.. I could never trust him around my child or myself i feel better at peace and comfortable in my home.. Sooner or later i do belive he would have killed me.. Please dont wait till it gets to that point.. Love does not hurt.. Love feels good.. Makes you happy not anxious or nervous or paranoid.. Love is exactly that love abuse is exactly that to abuse sometimes it's hard to not confuse the two and makes them together for their two different words in two different meanings... Save your self and if you have children save them an abuser should.never be around kids even if they're not abusing the kids they're abusing you and you can see that trust they will never forget that
Thank you for writing this
I’m trying to get out of an abusive relationship of 3years
And every time he hurts me he says “love hurts that’s how you know it’s love, it’s a good thing “
It’s been so long I actually started to believe him Thinking this love must be so powerful that I can still love him after all of our problems
But I feel strong enough to leave now
Your so right Love is Love it doesn’t hurt
And all of those problems are his I don’t need to put up with his anger and hate
I’m a good person I love myself and I can live with myself happily
I hope you and your baby are safe and well x
I’m out of an emotionally abusive relationship. We’ve been on and off for 7 years. I always get to a point where I want to run back to him.. I don’t know why. I miss him terribly, but I know he’s not good for me and I don’t believe I’m good for him either. It’s been a month since I’ve left him.. all I do is think about him and think about messaging him, but I know if I do that the cycle will repeat itself. I guess I’m just writing this to see if there’s anyone that has any advice or is going through the same thing. I’m afraid I’m never going to get over him.
My husband and I are coming up on our 4th anniversary and we've been together for 5. I just left him last week and it's very difficult. I'm more disappointed in him. I loved him hard, but I deserve more than that. We both deserve someone who loves us as much as we love them. Stay strong. Some connections are with you for a reason, season, or both. If you don't see it, actions will eventually show you. You are a queen, don't let a man half-love you.
Hi Hannah, I’m just recently out of and on and off, four years, verbally abusive relationship. The reason we keep going back is because we’re lonely. Once you get busy thinking about other things, it will get better. Also, try to remember the bad times when you are wanting to contact him. Because the bad times were bad!!!y You are worthy of someone who is loving and caring, someone who respects you!
I am currently trying to leave my marriage of 5 years. We have 3 young girls together and they are what keep me here. My husband was physically abusive along with emotional at the beginning of our marriage. But now it's emotional and financial. He abused my son as well. My son is not with us as of last September because my husband and him had a fight and my son ran and is now with my mom.
My story has so many twists and turns to it. So many people(children), DCF, courts,lawyers, GAL involved.
I'm tired, tired of always being wrong, tired of feeling crazy, of questioning everything, tired of wondering what the next moment I talk to him is goingvto be like. I just agree, I have no opinion anymore, I have no voice and I hate this person I am. I'm afraid to get him mad...they're just words and it's only for a bit that he'll yell and harass me...well maybe he'll keep on for a few days, months, years depending on how it effects him. But I'm afraid.
He says how loving a husband and father he is, how he's done so much for all of us, how he'll do anything to save our marriage, but if I mention abuse...forget it.
He constantly wants me to lie about situations and our relationship to investigators.
So, right now he's being nice. He's helping around the house, helping with the girls, asking how my son is, wanting to reunite the family. But he won't do counseling, won't work with DCF. Did I mention he has court coming up with his ex for modification of custody and I'm suppose to testify.
I've been trying to build the courage to leave, I have a lawyer, I have support...but He's being nice and loving and supportive. But we've been here before.
I want so badly to run, yet so unsure and I'm tired, I'm afraid. Do I wait for things to get bad or is it ok when things are good?
Hi Mercedes: It is unlikely that the abuser will ever change. I know what you are going through and that you would desperately like to believe that things will stay this way and that the worst is over, however, this is part of the cycle. If it was bad all the time, we would have left a long time ago, right? This is how we stay confused and lose ourselves in the relationship. We have to begin to tell ourselves that they can only be as good as the worst things they have ever done to us. There is no reason for you to live in fear. I wish for you to find the strength to see the truth when you are ready to face it. I've been where you have been. Please take care of yourself. -Kristen
Thank you thank you thank you for saying the truth in a matter of fact tone. Yes there are times of peace and happiness and that's when I start to doubt my guilty thoughts of leaving this abusive relationship. I have tolerated his behaviour for 23 years, why can't I continue? We should communicate and then things will get better. I am ignoring his efforts in making a good life for our family etc etc. I constantly have many competing thoughts in my mind and feel utterly confused. Advices from others also make it complicated.
So thank you again for pointing out that staying with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences and it is only a matter of time. And that life is too short and precious to stay miserable and hurtful.
I'm in an abusive relationship for seven years and I'm ready to leave but the problem is that l I'm scared the guy might hurt me. He once beat me for going to apply in a university, saying he doesn't want me to go to school. I am an orphan and I don't have friends. I don't think he loves me all he cares about is sex and money because every time when I have money he takes it all.
I always come onto this post when I am reeling from the aftermath of an "event" with my partner. I hope I don't have to keep rereading these words one day but for now they make me feel less alone. I thought today what hell would be like, I thought it may be a place were you are in a miserable, toxic, soul-destroying relationship unable to leave because an unexplainable, powerful force makes you choose to stay. But that's not he'll, that's what my life is like and I just want this to all end please.
Hello IB, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. It can be so affirming to read about the experiences of others because they do make us feel just a little less isolated and hopeless. You are not alone, and although you may not be able to see it now, there is a way out. I don't know your circumstances, but the fact that you are here means that you are on a path searching and can find that road to the exit. Please copy this link and visit our page for referral numbers to resources on domestic violence. They can point you to resources in your area who may be able to help you. https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer… Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. -Kristen
Thank you. Your words, I've known and said to myself before, but to read them from someone else, heals me on so many levels.
My husband controls everything LITERALLY. I can't have money, he checks my phone, mail, underwear. I am not allowed to shower if he is at work. He checks my used tampons because he says I lie about my period to deny sex. I can't shave my private part neither. I am writing this and I feel so stupid and no even a real person. I feel sometimes that I am inside a movie because is so surreal. I can't work I have a 19 y/o son autistic and schizophrenic. My other son got cancer 4 years ago, he is now 16. I also have a 10 y/o daughter with him. Everyone tells me why I just leave and that I am so stupid. Also people tell my that I am still with him because I enjoy being abused. They are not in my shoes. He says he is a Christian and tells me I have to summit to him and I have to do what he says. I wish all the time he dissapears and God forgives me but I even wish he die. He broke my eye with a trash can 8 months ago. He chase me all the time around the house and talks to me like I am 10. I am not allowed to go out ( only for my kids medical appointments) he do grocery shopping and all kind of shopping because he says I will steal his money if I have his debit card. I wish I have the courage to leave.
WOW.. we are twins, I was with my husband for 20 years, he was abusive mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes it would get physical. Yet all thought we had the dream life, and at times we did. they called us Barbie and Ken, we could not get enough of each other, we were inseparable, until the end!! Beautiful soulmates, gorgeous house, met in junior high, Got married and 22, literally the exact day of our 1st year anniversary, we found out we were pregnant!! We had our first child at 24 and our last at 29 years old.
We have 3 daughters, I also towards the end, was not aloud out of the house, not aloud to work outside my home, eventually, because I used coupons and saved hundreds of dollars, it took too long, for he would have me send him a message on his beeper when I was walking out the door, {{ after the children were at school and house was clean,}} go grocery shopping, then beep when I returned home, I would have to save the receipts to prove my time line, since it took me too long, he thought I was having an affair with a bag boy or something,, so I no longer went!! Nor could I have lunch with friends unless his mom or my mom went.
I was a stay home mother, whom kept the house immaculate and organized, my girlfriends were aloud over, but not their husbands for the most part, Onw time we went to a family wedding, male family members were talking to me as well as females, I mean we were all family, Well he got so furious and jealous that I looked in the eyes of the men, he snatched me by my hair, literally pulled me out like a cave woman, no one helped me, but my mother-in-law came with us, crying, she said he was just jealous and loves me so much, afraid he may lose me, and he had been drinking, etc. Actually my mother in law is the only one whom knew about the abuse, until he started to become careless, to the point he treated me that way a lot, instead of just behind closed doors, he flirted with my girlfriends, spent alot of alone time with them, I think he cheated on me. I was blind, for he told me we married under God, that he would never do that, they are like his sisters, what God put together, let no WO-man separate. and this is what my confusion lays, am I now able to divorce under any circumstances!
The only man I was aloud to hang out with when ever I wanted was my Father, and I did, he was one of my best friends, we worked together, grocery shopped together, organized the holidays and menus, until his heart fell ill, so i was the patient advocate, I was at hospital 10 plus hours a day. Thankfully our daughters were 9, 13 and 15 years old by then.
My husband was home by the time they came home from school, every night, I would drive home from the hospital crying the entire time, for I knew my dad was soon going to be with the Lord, I was not ready, even tho I knew since his heart attack at 28 years old, his survival rate was short, he did surpass the drs estimation by decades, we talked about everything, no words were unsaid, we were very close, yet leaving him coming home every night, I needed comfort from my husband, but i got ohhh, you finally made it home, I see you painted your fingernails and wearing makeup. what DR are you having an affair with, he would smell my underwear to, then im in tears for a different reason, . his wording is not like mine, but very vulgar, it was I was so exhausted from his abuse.
My father did pass 2010 valentines was his funeral, less than a week later, my husband struck me on the side of my head from behind for speaking to a couples husband-that were close friends of ours, that came over to say sorry about my father and that they really adored him. I was saying thank you to him and he was very loved, then the wife yelled my name and BOOM, I thought the ceiling fell or she hit me, Nope, it was my husband, as usual, I always leave when it gets physical, go to the beach, sit on the sand and cry to God, to help me with my marriage and my father. I always stayed at a different persons house, like, my best friends, mother in laws, my moms, my grandmas, so none of the woman knew exactly how many times I had to run away, I always returned early the next morning and pretend nothing happened.
An easily angered man adds alcholosism is volitile times 10. It was different this time when he struck me, as normal I left, but I never went back, after over 20 years with him, he said I was his soul mate, I loved him so very much. The only thing we loved more was God. I lost my father and husband in the same month, the only 2 men in my life! Yet God filled me with such peace after I left him, like a caged bird now able to fly, for the first time, I could breathe and not walk on eggshells. Shockingly to EVERYONE I did not return to him. i Got a protective order, The Judge gave me the house, children, dog and his paycheck.
for the past 10 years I have raised my children, my youngest just moved out a few months ago.
Me and my husband are still married, but going on 10 years separated, for God hates divorce, I do not know if I broke my word to God. or if I should get divorced with Gods approval, I still love him, he smothered me so severely in every way, cursed me out in front of our girls, fought me in front of our girls, abused me in every way, he never beat on me, just a hit here and there, some worse than other times, It was very overwhelming and painful. I run to my husband when im in pain, yet i had no one to run to for he was causing the pain, i did have GOD, as for my childrenm It was very traumatic on them, I stayed for the children, but after my dad passed away, He hit me for the LAST time, I got an inner strength that i had never had before, and clearly realized, I must leave FOR OUR CHILDREN. I did it. I still cant belive it!
So eventually, he started dating the mans wife that he hit me for the last time, for talking to and accepting condolences for my fathers passing that i was talking about!! I was her best friend! no loss to me yet it hurt me.
A year later he started dating another friend, I was her best friend since she was a young teenager, she has actually dated 2 ex-boyfriends. I did not care, but my husband, It tore my heart out!!! They actually both called me to chat while my husband was sitting beside them, somehow, I knew, both times, I just called his cell, and it rang over the phone!! haha.. busted! God sends me angels to inform me somehow. The second friend he is dating for well over 5 years now- has sometimes called me to ask me where my husband was, and that he was being ugly, lieing etc, for she knew he was abusive to me, she was one of the friends I would run to, from a physical fight and cry and confide in her, she has witnessed us fighting, abusing me over the decades. I literally, gave her advice, told her i was sorry he was doing that to her, I mean, did she think he would treat her differently than me, the love of his life, I ended with you can not call me anymore about your relationship. The pain is to much, I will pray for you and Im sorry,
Our daughters did learn that their parents relationship and love was NOT normal, and we didn't even know what normal was actually, I have been with my husband since I was 18 years old. One day God and my father got together and sent an angel my way. They must have searched high and low to find this amazing man, for he lives in a different state, 3 hours away. It started out on the phone after pm's and emails, we would talk for HOURS AND HOURS every day!! He helped out on starting my online Jewelry business, and then started visiting me at my home, pitched in on the upkeep of the house, we became best friends, then I fell in-love, for the first time ever, there was a man in my home that did not yell, curse, drink or get angry, lie, start arguments for nothing, abuse me in any way what so ever!! it was def a culture SHOCK for me and my daughters. it was uncomfortable and severely strange, the girls would just say, WOULD YOU YELL ALREADY, ARE YOU A TICKING BOMB.!!!! We would all just wait for him to get angry and SNAP, Over time, eventually, we got used to the calmness and started appreciating it, because of him, the girls and I NOW know what normal is! I am eternally grateful to this man, what an incredible loving, calm, Godly, understanding, reliable, honest and phenomenal example of a real HUMBLE man. NON NARCISSIST- for i never heard that word until me and my daughters went to ALANON, and counseling after I left. I learned there are in general like 4 types, My husband was not one type, he literally fit all 4 categories! How dangerous and scary! What damage have I done to my children, they do have tons of excellent memories, for his apologies for fighting with mommy was gifts, vacations, going out on the boat etc,
My daughters and friends say I found a man like your boyfriend, haha,, meaning, a NON tumultuous argumentative, angry, BUT, compassionate, loving, calm, trusting communicative relationship! We have been dating for almost 9 years, He still lives 3 hours away. Yet he comes over several days of the week and weekend, He is a good christian man whom has respect for me and the girls. In the beginning, he spent the nights at my moms house, and the days with me, until years later, he started staying upstairs, in the spare room, the FROG in my ranch house, I am now Living alone, Im not sure if i have empty nest syndrome, I don't think so!! lol. My boyfriend now lives alone in his house too, his son also moved out of his house this year.
Should i start a new chapter in my life in a specific way, like, selling my home and downsizing, Become completely independent and alone untill I figure out what Gods will is Divorce my husband and marry my best-friend?
I am very confused, If i gave my word to God, to love my husband, until death do us part. Should I stay with my current boyfriend, try to work things out with my husband after a decade of separation, for he has stopped drinking 4 years ago, a year after our granddaughter was born. I FEEL THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO POSSESS IS YOUR WORD, I hv nothing but my word, My word to God and my promise I made to my husband under God. Our wedding vows- I truly do not know what God wants me to do, for I want his will to be done, not my own. I wish for God to lead me, guide me, direct me, protect me and bless me, and us all.
First time for me to ever comment or online communicate, much less about my abusive marriage. I do Facebook, but no drama on my wall, what so ever. So cheers to my first blog, online communication about something so seriously deep, not sure if I helped anyone, or just helped myself?
He comitted adultry you are free. 2 ways in God's word your free from marriage is death or adulutry. Divorce him immediately!!
I am in a similar abusive relationship. I left 4 months ago and never looked back. God doesn't expect us to live in abuse. I am pretty sure God only expects us to honor Christian husbands and marriages. YOU GO GIRL. BE HAPPY
Your story is similar to mine except he never filtered with my friends. My husband of 25 years wasn’t always this way. But he changed he accused me of cheating when all I did was reach out to an old friend I Knew from high school. See he doesn’t want me engaging in conversation with males has always been jealous. Why did I not see past this when we first connected. I wish I could go back and remain single. Years have past and he continues to be more controlling and jealous. Lately July 2019 keeps asking me where I’ve been with whom when I go for walks I need to be out of house away from him. He no longer works is retired and I no longer work either. I have no space for myself he’s in the house and does barely nothing has no friends no social life hes been much of a loner and he’s just focused on me .... I hate everything about my situation and this has been going on for decades. Been married for 25 years. I’m Christian too. I know God would not want me to live this way. I want out but it’s not always this easy. He constantly threatens me with financial emotional verbal abuse at times physical. Never admits it and never apologized he’s a narcissist I truly believe this. He and I have been verbally abusive for-decades to one another. I don’t like him I really hate him why can’t he just accept this. He tells me I get nothing has taken things away from me to punish me. I don’t have many friends he made it this way. Why was I so stupid and naive to be under his control for this long. I believe he brainwashed me and told me I could never survive without him. He has pitted my kids against me and they take his side. Thank god my sister and brother and my mom know what I’m going through and they do not like him what so ever. They tell me to get out. This guy has put me through hell and back and yet I’m still here. 50 years old and alone and scared and afraid. Signed, MW from Canada
I am in a very similar situation. I am going on 20 years of marriage. The abuse started after we got engaged. If I only knew then what I know now. He had an abusive childhood. 5 years ago we moved for my job. Since then it has gotten unbearable. He calls me names that no woman should be called and especially by her husband. He finally got a job after 5 years of me paying for everything. He works nights so during the week I am alone. I actually look forward to going home, no stress, and I can do what I want. And then the weekend comes. He is constantly yelling at me, calling me names, belittling me. He knows my insecurities and what would hurt me and he goes for the jugular every time. He is an alcoholic and says everything is always my fault. He berated me yelling and saying the same things over and over. He said no one will ever want me that is why I wasn’t married at 32 when we met. He has told me to go get a gun and shoot myself in the head.i have lost 35 pound because he is not around during the week so I don’t emotionally eat and can go workout. He tells me that I am selfish for working out yet every thing is always based on his needs and wants. He stays up late and sleeps al day on the weekends. He does nothing around the house. I never get a compliment or appreciation for all I do. I hate him and am ready to go when he is in one of his tirades but the next day comes and I become afraid for my marriage to end. I am lonely but afraid of being alone. The work and all that would need to happen in a divorce is overwhelming and I don’t want to loose what we have built. What is wrong with me. I know it is a toxic relationship and I deserve better yet I don’t file for divorce. I am anger, ashamed and disappointed in myself.
Hi Tracy,
There is nothing wrong with you. This is simply what happens in the abuse cycle. I applaud you for sharing your heart here and encourage you to reach out for help. You are not alone, and you don't have to live like this. Here are some resources to get you started: https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer…
Just remember to be kind to yourself during this process. This is not your fault. You are loved.
Love and light--Jenn
hi.. after reading comment after comment of my same situation it’s very sad to me! I was married when I meet the man I am with now... my relationship with my now ex husband was a physically violent one... and I meet my boyfriend at work.. him and I became friends right off the bad.. he became my best friend I would talk to him about everything... so when my ex and I split up my boyfriend and I started spending time together outside off work and then it turned into more... he was sweet... listened to me talk... paid attention to me... noticed when I got a hair cut of whatever... I fell for him hard!! After about a year we were together... and I thought it was perfect thought I found the person who was my person.. u know... until one day it all changed... started with something little that I over looked... thought he was just having a bad day... but it has all gotten worse... I had my past thrown in my face... choices I made .. bad things that have happened to me... being. Told I deserve it! Being called worthless lazy no good! EverThing mean you can think mean to say to someone he has said it.. I have pretty much cut myself off from my family bc I have ran to them several times after a fight saying I was leaving and after a week and he calms down it’s all back to me loves me and so on and on... I always come back! I have 3 kids and one of them is his and he is now 5 months old... so I keep saying if I could make it 10 years in a physically abusive relationship I can make it through this but honestly I feel as if mental abuse is so much worse... bc it gets in you head and you think and it over and over... am I really worthless?? Do I really deserve bad things to happen to me? Am I really fat or ugly?? And the truth is when living this way you believe it to a fault almost bc it’s drilled into your head!! I’m always thinking about how great it was when we were friends how attentive he was how loving and caring... and I hold out o. Hope that one day he will open his eyes and realize that he is hurting me badly! But I don’t think it will ever happen!! I want to leave but I don’t!! I stay bc I’m stuck or at least that is how I feel!! When is enough gonna be enough for me to say I am done?? Y am I not strong enough to walk away from him? And stay gone! Y do I always answer the phone when I leave and let him fill my head with all these promises of change when I know in my heart it’s a lie!! Family says I’m just not ready to go! And after reading this article... I am but scared I will just come right back! And it will pick up like I never Left bc he feels as if there is no repercussions for his actions or words... bc I will come back!! I wish I felt strong enough to cut all ties but with my son I don’t think I ever will!
What happens when you really don't have anywhere to go? I have an 8 month old baby. No car. (He totaled it) He got mad at the thought of me having a job. (independence) Moving in with my parents would just be another abusive relationship. I used to glow and be in control of my life. I had gotten out of a previous abusive relationship and waited almost 10+ months until I found him. Was a former lover in middle school and high school. And I was just having harmless fun. But then I got pregnant and got excited he wanted to keep the baby too. I always dreamed of having a baby with someone who actually wanted to be there. I decided to keep her. Then the abuse started. He hit me the first couple times and I cried uncontrollable. Confused on why he didn't just leave. Too late to run. 2 years later (21yrs old) he will be nice and try hard one day but almost every day he is mean. He snaps at me and always talks over me, (just like everyone else) he lately has been calling me crazy which just was the last straw. I put up with his beatings, name callings, put downs, his sudden burst of anger.. ect. But I'm crazy because I grumpy when I have to wake up at 3 in the morning to get a bottle ready for the baby. I kinda feel like a candle at the very end of its wic. I often contemplate just taking off but I can't leave my daughter. I won't. I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid one day itll end with suicide or him hurting me badly enough to kill me. Very lost
Hello Elix: I am so very sorry to hear of what has been happening to you! You do not deserve any of this. I hope you will consider reaching out to someone close to you, a friend or family member, who can help you develop a plan to escape this relationship. There are also resources you can turn to if you feel there is no one you can talk to. Please visit our page https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/domestic-violence/how-to-report-domestic-violence-dome… to see organizations that may be able to help. If you are feeling suicidal, there are also people you can speak to who can talk with you about what you are feeling. Our page
https://www.healthyplace.com/suicide/suicide-hotline-phone-numbers is a place to start. You don't have to go through this alone. Thank you for leaving this message and reaching out for help.
What do you do if you are watching your sister be emotionally abused but she won’t admit it? Her coworkers tell her she is, I see it and have told her he isn’t good for her. This person even threatened my husband and we filed a report. She knows all of this and was aware when it was happening but he “tried to apologize” and that was good enough for now. She is broken and he is a psychopath.
I've been with my guy for over 13 years and i swear i put up with so much verbal abuse it is crazy! yes, he always tries to make things better by apologizing, "too drunk" when he said it, or "I" pushed his buttons, he does this over and over and i still take him back. I just need to finally put an end to this crazy cycle and be strong enough to walk away. Yes, we live together but no children.
I have been living with my husband for almost 3 years now, we have a Almost 2 year old daughter together and honestly I feel trapped. At first it was all lovey dovey. He would always go visit me at my parents house, suprising me with roses, teddy bears, necklaces, food, and even puppies. He was so so loving and caring. However, after dating for 2 years, he started to somewhat be abusive towards me.(we were still Bf and gf) if he didn’t like something I’d say, he would sqeeze my hands really tight or he would twist my arm until I couldn’t take the pain. I cried several times but got over it. Acted like it was cool and kept going with our relationship. Maybe cause I was soooo In Love with him because I thought he was the most handsome and cutest man (physically) At age 18, I moved in with him and it was all good the first couple of months. However, he Didn’t want me going to my moms house or my Bestfriend’s house. My Bestfriend came over one day and I told him she was here. (He was working) ThIS MAN LEAVES HIS WORK AND COMES HOME TO KICK MY BESTFRIEND OUT THE HOUSE. I felt so embarrassed because she has been my Bestfriend since middle school.
I really have so much to say about this man. When I was pregnant, he hit me on my nose causing me to bleed. He has left me a swollen eye, lots and lots of bruises, kicked me with his shielded work shoes, almost broke my nose, slapped me several times. He has even hit me when I had my daughter in my hands. ( she was about 6 months) It’s constant arguing and yelling at home. Every time he yells or raises his voice at me I try to defend myself and he says “shut up or I’ll beat you up.” I am so tired of it. Its even weird when we are actually talking in peace. One day I was going to go to my moms house and he was gunna leave to go back Go work(about 1pm) I came inside and told him that I wasn’t gunna fit with the truck and so I told him to move a bit(his work truck) he got so angry he was yelling at me. He told me why I’m so anxious to leave(keep in mind my mother works at 3pm) which is what I told him. I got in the truck and he came and opened the passenger door and told me to stay at my moms house and never come back and if I did come back he was gonna kick me out. He then slammed the door shut and I started crying. I felt like shit honestly. I knew if I left he was gunna leave me and I didn’t want that. I stayed in the truck for about 15 minutes just thinking. And asking God Why I’m living this life. I don’t have the courage to leave him because I have no where to go. I know my parents will always be there for me but I don’t want to go back to their house. Unfortunately My Brothers girlfriend passed away in my moms house right next to my old room and honestly I feel scared to go back. I have never worked in my life and my daughter is sooo attached to me that I doubt she’d stay with someone to watch or babysit her while I work. I feel stuck. We depend on him money wise.
I'm so scared right now. I never thought I would let a man treat me this way. 2 years ago I got hit hard over & over again by life, ending in me being crippled. I ended up running away from my parents house (I'm in my 30s, long story) and they haven't forgiven me for how I did it. Been with my bf for a year, he wasn't great to begin with, but it's escalated to the point of complete madness. Could write a book of the things he's done. Last couple months he started sexually assaulting me, then made me fear for my life, neighbors called cops on him, AND I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT SO HE DIDN'T GET ARRESTED. Why???? Finally told my mom yesterday. I know she told the whole family but no one has contacted me. Yes I've been isolated, am bipolar, but i never hurt anyone, used drugs, anything that would make them hate me. She's telling me I have to leave him, now I'm so scared of leaving him. When he wasn't bad, he was so sweet & took such good care of me. But the bad started to become every day, and he crossed too many lines. Why am I so afraid of leaving him? It's like he's my only friend and only person that cares about me, but i know he's a narcissist. I don't even think he means to isolate me or make my self esteem crash, like it only happens when he drinks, but for months he drank every day. He's paying my rent now and he's at his mom's, but I'm still texting/talking to him. Feel like I'm the crazy one, I must be. Why would I want to stay with someone who has assaulted me in every way possible almost every Day?
Living with an abuser of an husband is a like living with an enemy.He never finds any good thing in what you do and will never let you air your view.#can go on with this.
I am currently contemplating how to leave the father of my children of 13 years. We have 3 ranging from 1 years to 13. I am 33 years of age today. He also has 3 teens whom i have nurtured for 13 years and whom dont want to reside with us anymore due to their fathers actions. Its more emotional abuse then physical. Years ago I got totally waisted and apparently stripped in front of his friend and have touched another friends leg, so for those reasons he has told me thats why he treats me the way he does. I accepted it, even though i cant remember I accepted that i deserve the treatment he gives me. But i often wonder how many more years will he hold against me? He calls me a whore, cocksucker all sorts of vicious names under the sun in front of all our kids and its embarrassing. Its very rare i will raise my voice or answer back to him, its his way or no way. I dont want to get hit so most times i just shut my mouth. Hes 15 years older me, ive heard all the attempts to change under the sun but still none. I am quiet independant, pay my own rent and other utulitys, have a job ect. I love his kids like they are my own have nurtured them like they are mine but i feel like nothings ever good enough. He damages anything that is mine or means alot to me when hes mad. The most recent was a photo of my late nan who i dearly love, he ripped it up, that really hurt! My house has holes in the wall and he spits in my house. He talks to all our kids about me. I worked 6 days last week and wanted to have a beer. I didnt go out knowing he also had work the next morning, so i invited my cousin around to have a quiet one with me. We were still going when he left for work at half 4 in the morning and still going when he finished 2 hours later. He threw a fit and started yelling at me because the house wasnt cleaned. I dont get it, my house is clean it was his own bedding in the lounge, we only had a 24 box of beers and a bottle of whiskey which were all put away in the empty box as i normally do. I just removed myself because i didnt want to deal with it while i was intoxicated. But when i came home he tells me he kicked out his oldest boy who is 19. He tried telling me it was his boys fault but I knew it was his! Everytime someone or something stresses him out, everyone in our household cops it! He calls his older sons all sorts of names and even a few times have told them to hang themselves. He says if i try and take my kids away from him, hes going to kill my dad and anyone else i love and care about. I sorta believe him. He has big knives, like swords and bow and arrows. I think he is capable of doing it. I have witnessed him stab another guy with a pitchfork because he tried to threaten our family. I want to leave. But aPart of me believes i can change him and i still deeply care about him. Im not sure if its love though, i think that feeling left a couple of years ago. He saved me from a very physically abusive relationship where every second day i was black and blue and i feel like i owe him my life but i also have kids and am done allowing to witness all this craaazy stuff!! I have left for a couple of days at times and allowed the kids to stay behind with him because they love their dad buuut iii juuust cant do it. I cry and get all depressed knowing that they are not with me. I think about taking them with me but i know my kids will miss him and i feel sorry for them and him. I dont want cops or to drag my children through court..Financially i pay for most of the things in our family home so i couldnt even get us a hotel room and i wouldnt take my kids to just anywhere i want it to be homely so we are all comfortable like we are at home. He knows where all my friends and family live but im too embarrassed to stay at either houses anyway and i dont want to bring trouble to them..2 of my kids are in school and today i have been helping his teens find suitable accomodation for them, one of whom is 22 and carrying a baby..It seems like of got too many odds against me...Thank you for the article and all the stories many have shared.
Hi guys,
This article has helped me. My wife is never wrong about anything. She regularly puts me down with criticisms and no compliments / validation. Its all about her wants & needs. I am invisible except for when she needs someone to vent her anger on. She has a hair trigger temper and gives me the Silent Treatment & Cold shoulder. My self confidence is rock bottom. Will I stay? I don't know yet but one day I will. As it says, why should I stay with someone who regularly hurts me ?
Im having an abusive relationship w a man . we have been roomues for 12 years. 3 ys ago the real person came out. He cuts my clothes up. Hes wreckinging the house that we are buying constant nagging me about a job. Runs me down and comes at me like he will hit me. I have nobody. Nowhere to go and im a senior. Who woulda thought my golden years are hell. I would leave easily but not enough money to live alone. I dont know what to do. Now hes killing my garden. Cuts the sunflower heads off. Turns the garden hose on all nite. I pay the water. I talked to a buddy that works with him he said the BOSS is afraid of him. Where can i go?
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I've known for the last year, that my husband has done nothing but put me down when he is with his friends, gaslighting. My husband had exceptional narcissistic flair for making me think I was going crazy. So I started to keep track of everything by writing a diary. Reading back on everything over the last 15 years was hard. I am more empowered now, but I don't feel strong enough or have support from friends or family as he has kept me from them. I feel isolated and don't know where to turn for help. Thank you so much for letting me know it is alright to stay. For now, I will research and get advice. It's hard to do as he wants to know about everything, where I go, what I do, whom I talk to etc. I don't want to hate my husband but have no love for him left in me. I am angry that it is so easy to be hoodwinked in this way. Angry at myself and my husband being so cold to me that I just wanted to shrivel up and die. Waking up to what is going on , I mean really going on, was hard. But I know now that I'm by far more internally strong because of what I've had to put up with over the years. It will take time, life is too short to waste it on people who profess they love you, but more likely need you.
Its been 4 years in my relationship and honestly i feel stuck.. Its like living at home all over again.. I hardly get to visit family i have to ask if i can go anywhere and often i get yelled at.. I get blamed for everything and im scared to say the wrong things. Idk i need to feel whole again, i need me back
just want to thank you... ive been braainstorming and doing endless research o what appeas to be my life.. this is the first true real blunt post i have come acrossed and its nice to fell that straight forwardness.. thank you... never giving up but living is a battle.. knowledge to understand dose indeed help
I have been with my abuser for 13 years now since i was 17 he is all i know anymore i have never had to work and he has made it plainly clear that everything i have is his because he pays for it. He has made sure that i have no one but him, and that i wouldnt last no time on my own. He says that he cont care if i leave but i am not taking our 2 kids. But there is no way i could leave my babies behind . I have thought a bout running with them and hiding but i have no money and he says that he will hurt everyone that might help me to find his kids, he has emotionally drained me for so long ,that everyday at some point i am thinking that i am not worth the air i breath. I have nothing or no where to go , and i cant be homeless with my children . I love him but i am not in love with him anymore, i have just been going through the movements of my life fir so long i am so unhappy i just cant take it anymore. Everytime he leaves or me and the kids leave i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I dont know where to go frim here i how do i start over with nobody or nothing please someone help me