Love and DID: Sometimes More is Less

Hi,
I have been struggling with this for asome long as I can remember
Sometimes im happy, other days I dont want to get out of bed, they said it was depression and i dont think it is that.
I recently had a few altercations where, my SO found out about another guy involved in our relationship. The more he talks to me, i dont remember much about the guy, so he decided to ask the guy himself. Apparently it's been going on for 7 months and I only have a very vague memory of some of it. Little pieces, my SO tells me im lying to him when I honestly have no idea.
My friend showed me this website and as I read im starting to understand more.
Can someone guide me on the right path please?

I just found this blog and it has helped me pull it together from a point I though I couldn't take it anymore. I knew my girlfriend had a disorder but I didn't know what it was. After reading this I am convinced it is DID. We spent a few days in New York City last month in which she then flew out to China and I flew home. When we left each other it was all love and the talk of being together forever. I knew she had many episodes in the past but we were always able to make our way through eventually. Well now that she's back in China she has stopped all contact with me and I have no idea what the outcome will be. I could tell by our initial conversations after she arrived there that there was something wrong and it progressively became worse to where we are now. My only hope is that she can get better and come back. Usually I can help her but impossible half way around the world. It seems so helpless.

Me and my partner both have DID and for the most part it's worked out and our alters all get along, exepct my partner has one alter that most of me can't stand. He bothers me a lot and it's mainly because of my male protecter alter who is completely straight and can't stand the male alter my partner has. I'm pretty much indeferent to him but my one alter who fronts about 80% of the time hates him. It causes my partner to be sad sometimes cause his mood affects theirs and me not liking him makes him sad. I don't know what to do, most of the time things are good it's just that one alter my partner has that's causing all the grief here simply because I don't like him

Hi Holly,
I am in love with a psychopath (a nice one). If that doesn't sound bad enough, he is also 3000 miles away from me. We're making plans to move in together after talking to each other for only 2-3 weeks, and I'd have to move across the country for that. I know it sounds crazy, but I have never questioned if it was worth it until today when I encountered the other person inside him for the first time. He was just so cold to me last night. I thought I did something wrong, but he reminded me again about something that he only mentioned once before that he had DID. This second person said he doesn't care about anything, and he only feels anger. I'm completely at a loss. Is it possible for someone to have both psychopathic tendencies and DID? And while his other identity only feels anger when he is aggravated, does it seem like he has violent tendencies? I am now questioning my feelings for him, and asking myself if I should just stop and end things with him. A little help would be very much appreciated.
Thank you, Anne.

Me again, I just wanted to thank you for being so objective and giving us this information. I wish my partner thought enough of me to have given me this information isntead of making it seem it was all on me.

I was married to a wonderful woman who suffers with D.I.D our relationship is just recently split and now we are divorcing. It makes me so sad becasue I love her dearly but the constant pushing and pulling and the lonliness you spoke of above is unbearable. She made it seem like it was all me and my fault but after reading this I understand a little more so hopefully I can stop beating myself up and know it wasn't al me and my fault.

Could someone on here please contact me...I have a few questions. ..thanks...I don't mind emails....tonyacrowley8@gmail.com. ..thanks

I think my boyfriend has DID. He goes from very loving and "you've always been the one" to becoming monk-like and retreating physically and emotionally. Right before he retreats he says "I'll be back", and he is back. He tells me he doesn't know what's wrong with him, that he hasn't been abused as a child- I've known him since we were kids and I know he had a good childhood- so how did this disassociation happen? I have been so confused over his seesawing. The worst moments come right after intimacy. He has not had positive relationships in the past, in fact fairly traumatic. Could this result in disassociation?

Dear Cheeky,
Unfortunately we are without a moderator on this site (for right now). I have been diagnosed only since this past January so I do not have long term experience. My husband and I are in counseling together (in addition to my individual sessions) so that he can receive information, understanding, and support. This has greatly helped the confusing and upsetting times that we are going through now.

I've got DID. I had it officially be recognised 9 months ago. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He and I have been friends and bed time partners for years and in the last six months we have sort of fallen into a relationship. We have our ups and downs. Mostly I create the Ups and Downs. As I have only been working on my DID or 9 months I am still discovering my system which is really very large and very complicated which I am told is because I am higher functioning. The hardest part is when parts say things to him and do things that I later find out about that he is upset over, and finally tells me; then I get upset and confused cause I don't remember it happening. then I have to question my system at my morning meeting with the parts i can talk too and I'm back at square one at the negotiating table because it's more often than not a new part, or a teenage part causing the trouble. very frustrating

I've been in a relationship with someone that has DID for two years now and up until the past few months, things were going moderately well. She had three alters, and I've had the opportunity to meet them briefly (hell, I even consider one of them my best friend). I must go back to a specific word I said earlier and that word is "had". Well, now she's got a new one forming and this started almost immediately before things started to go south in our relationship. Before this alter started forming, we had gone through every challenge I could imagine in a relationship, from being homeless twice to having our car stolen, so on and so forth and yet we always managed to make it to the end of the day somehow. Now though, it's a different story. She's so far gone in her own mind that she doesn't hear or see anything that goes on around her and she's at my throat constantly, earlier today she nearly pushed me out of a moving vehicle because she missed a turn. I love her and I want the relationship to return to the way it was but I don't know if it ever will now due to this new alter that has yet to fully form. I guess I'm just curious as to if there is some sort of adjustment time for her after getting a new alter or if this is the way it will remain.

I have been in this thing for almost 3 years, and for me, how i cope is that, I just think of the situation as if he is a werewolf, and can't control himself.. he has told me that he'll be back, and just dont listen to what others will say about him, as he says that it's easier for him to move on.. or shall i say, go back to his usual self.. he has always said i dont trust him.. but after receiving wonderful texts from him, i have just accepted that it is the 'werewolf' that he is doing now.. what i do, is just to leave him alone to make him feel more comfortable, and would never do any first move, until such point that he comes back.. this time around, i have just to be the loving person that i am.. and minimize as much as possible giving him the reasons for him to push me away again.. its quite hard to really detect the DID, but once i could sense one alter is there, he tells me that i just need to go away.. id be glad to do it than pushing myself towards him.. its more refreshing, and more quick to stabilize.. and i try my best not to get any information about what he is doing, as it would be best to take care of myself.. then he just comes back.. i realized i dont have to judge him, and accept him as he comes back.. ive learned how to deal with it.. and its more rewarding

Thanks so much for this blog - reading through comments here has been so informative. I think that my daughter has DID. She is married with young children and seems to be blowing up her entire life, planning a major move, divorce for no particular reason she can articulate, acting wildly out of what has been her character for the last decade (many changes before then)... Any ideas as to how I can support her, and her children, and her husband, who loves her very much? I should say also that she grew up in a loving home but did experience trauma at a very young age. She is brilliant and talented and well educated but also seems confident that her current, seemingly bizarre choices are wise. She has not been diagnosed but many of the symptoms of DID fit. I think that, were I to even hint at mental illness, she would stop confiding in me - or cut me out of her life as she has most others. My main concern is her health and well being and that of the children. She has always been an unbelievably conscientious parent, until recently, and I worry that when - or if? - she comes back to 'herself' she will be destroyed by guilt over abandoning them... This feels like watching a train wreck about to happen and nothing I can do to prevent it.

I was wondering if people are still writing on this page. I just found this website a couple days ago and am really glad to know I'm not alone. I'm new at all this and I just want to see if people still comment.Thank you.

I have recently gone through the process of having many of my parts surface. It's been a difficult ride, and luckily I seem to have a fairly well-organised system (although it seems to have more and more layers the more things unravel).
I'm largely co-conscious, but for me the big problem is the acceptance (lack of) that I have for myself. I've realised that in my 3 relationships I have had, I chose them specifically because each of the partners were emotionally unavailable and wouldn't 'see' me. My more recent one knew I had DID, but only once or twice noticed that I had more than one part. I was in that relationship alone, and alone I felt safer. Accepting love is perhaps the most difficult concept to genuinely grasp when you're a fragmented system of abused parts.
As I've started to learn more about myself and my parts, I'm very gradually learning what it is to experience true intimacy. I was terrified to realise that I have been developing an intimate friendship recently, which has started to evolve into something romantic (although not physical yet). Knowing that it's genuine, and that I haven't really got somewhere to hide is a big challenge for me. This is someone who has known me for close to a year, seen my ups and downs, and still... we grow closer. I think something slow developing is good, although I am worried that if it becomes a romantic relationship the dynamic will immediately change, and how other parts respond to that might become difficult. But the slower it progresses, the better my system can work out the best way to align, and we can reach an agreement.

Almost two years after the last comment, this post is still helping people. How wonderful!
I have recently started seeing a man with DID....he gave me this truth about 2 weeks in to our dating. I didn't run. I didn't want to. He is such a special man, and I deeply want to be in his life, so I am trying to educate myself as much as possible. This thread of comments has helped me immensely.
I cannot detect his alters yet, but I recognize the similar pattern from the comments, of having him go from adoring me to breaking it off so he doesn't hurt me anymore, to coming back again and telling me how much he wants me in his life. I understand a little better what is going on now. I cannot thank you enough for this blog, and I look forward to reading more to help me to be the best support that I can to my sweet guy.

Though the above post was made now 1/2 a year ago, I do want to say to Sasha, and anyone else who may be in a similar position, that no matter what it may LOOK like on the surface, it is unlikely that the entire system shut you out. You're (most likely) taking the actions of one alter, or group of alters, expression as "the whole show"...when with DID (especially if it's untreated DID) is NEVER the whole show.
My bf has cut me off too, completely, for extended periods of time. But if you see what's really going on - that this is just what a PART of the system is expressing for this period of time, you'll also see, in time, if you stick around, that the other parts come back, and don't hold the same beliefs as the parts that pushed you away.
DID I've learned is also an attachment disorder. Most multiples have parts that push others away -- you just have to see through the veil.

Thank you for all this info. Have been (or am, not really sure) in a relationship with a person with DID. For me the most important thing has always been to accept who ever he is and to never be judgemental. He however has cut-off all contact, mainly to (as he says) protect me and to not have to let me go through this. He does not want to give me any "trouble". But I am here for him, always. Not really sure what to do. I do not want to throw our friendship away but I do respect his wishes... He is totally locking me out. I don't think i'm the one that can help him. It's just because I would like him to stay my friend.

I wanted to thank you for this blog. I've been romantically involved with someone with DID for the last six years, which has been very hard to both cope with and understand. And though some of his parts have tried their hardest to push me away, seeing what's really going on , with compassion, has always made me want to stick with him, and stay.
This is the first discussion I've read that really captures what it's like to have someone with DID as a partner, as well as providing insight on how hard it actually is for them to be in a romantic relationship when they are constantly shifting and switching parts. That I didn't totally understand, until I bookmarked and have been rereading everyone's comments.
My partner has many parts, or alters, but two major ones he shifts between -- I am the "hated villain" to one, and the woman he "really does deeply love - forever!" to the other. I have been treated like I mean the world to him, and then (without warning) treated as if I dropped off the world tomorrow he couldn't care less. Other parts have also been attracted to other people, and it's been a very confusing, tumultuous, and painful ride. I have continued on with hope though, wanting to be a calm place in the storm for him, the only one at the moment who knows his Dx, and pray that he will have the strength to heal. Appreciate the blog.

thank u so much for this article. my only 2 friends both have DID as well. something is happening to me. men are no longer attracted to me. ALL i ever wanted all my LIFE was MUTUAL LOVE WITH A PARTNER.
it feels impossible. the loneliness, abandonment and feeling unlovable are unbearable at times & if it gets bad enough, we will do ANYTHING to numb it.
all b/c we/i wanted to be "a Daddy's Girl". i hate that bastard for what he did to me. such a special loving child. i HATE him & pray he gets a long suffering bout of prostrate cancer...sorry for the the vent.

Is it possible for each alter to have their own personality disorder? I'm having a hard time accepting this whole concept,but I guess I have no choice but to believe what i'm told. I also refuse to belive that I alone, have anxiety dissorder, panic attacks, social phobia,OCD, dependant personality and many others so if i do have MPD, that would explain alot. I would appreciate any information you may provide.
thank you.

Holly and Dana-
Thanks for answering. We have a fear of judgement, of stigma and of being abused again. I do my best to protect the others.
"result is that we look like one very moody and erratic person"
We have a diagnosis of bipolar as well.
Dana, I understand your reasons for being open, but frankly we're too scared.

Thank you~ I have read some of your series but I will revisit them again. I do not recall sexual abuse altho my twin sister has "memories"..I recall being in a constant state of fear of mom's rages and the catholic church practices, the 1960 Detroit riots in my neighborhood... I would be hyper vigilant and my body would create migraines to dissociate. today I can't recall my childhood, however if I see a photo..I can somewhat remember the event. Some have labeled it Dissociative Amnesia...I'm not concerned with the DX as finding the underlining reasons to my depression. I am aware of the many "sides" of me..for example: The intellegent professional who is medicaly trained ..the anxious depressed one who hides in the house with agoraphobia..the bubbly one who is very social and attractive..the protective one who guards my children and would kill to protect her kids...the indifferent one who is disconnected from life and is in limbo with no hope...just to name a few. Mostly, I consider myself complex and assumed everyone was like me~

Well after much research, I have landed in your laps with a lot of questions. Questions that can be perceived as "bothersome" or insignificant to this forum. However, I need to start somewhere and I am asking for your understanding as I seek my information s it related to my personal life experiences. I have a dissociative disorder as well, but I do not have alters..or at least I'm not aware of any. Perhaps, I haven't endured the level of abuse that seems to cause DID? Any ideas?

Karen-
I chose to be fairly open about my diagnosis with those closely involved with me because I felt it would be easier on them and myself. Most of the parts that show up act like me to some degree. If you were to ask one of them "Are you Dana?", you would probably get a giggle or an "or course". Unless they have been around you long enough that there is a solid sense of trust then you are more likely to get the truth. One of the things I have really reinforced with my parts is that it is okay for them to be them. They don't have to be me and I am okay with that. As a result they are more open and there is less misunderstandings between me and those in my life regarding conversations and inconsistencies.
I think one of the highlight moments for me was when someone I hadn't known well in high school but interacted with regularly called me about a 'reunion of old friends'. The conversation started with neither of us knowing what to say finally she said "I know you don't like me but do you want to meet the old group of pals for dinner?". I was shocked! I asked why she thought I didn't like her and she told me a story where I turned down going to pizza with her by saying I didn't like pizza and later that week saw me eating pizza at lunch. I was really embarrassed and I started to explain. When I was done explaining all she said is "You do not have any idea how much sense this makes, if I had only known then...". I cried that night and that was the turning point of my level of honesty. I do not shout my diagnosis at the top of my lungs but I am open and honest with those that I interact with regularly.
I can understand and respect both sides of the coin and just wanted to share some from the other side of things.

My alters pretend they're me, they answer to my name, they try to act like me. Obviously there are stark differences, but we seem to be getting away with it on the grounds that "everyone has different personalities to an extent."
No one knows about this diagnosis except for my pdoc and CPN. Maybe we'll tell people at some point, maybe we won't, but for the time being we're almost functioning like a human being.
As for love, we all love our fiancé, family and the few friends we have left. We're very lucky that they put up with us.

i am lucky enough to have a partner that really is sticking in there with me. She has been with me for 5 years and for me that is amazing. i've been in three long term relationships in my life and this one is the most promising and loving. It isn't roses but there are roses mixed in with the thorns and we are both grateful when we see the rose... smell it... savor it... pluck it so we can see it close up... or leave it so we can come back again and again. It all depends on how we are feeling at the time. We are so lucky to be able to have a strong relationship in the midst of this turmoil inside my head.
It's amazing that i can feel and experience love. i am grateful! Most of the my others are okay with her too. There are some of course that aren't but, we work through that and she doesn't take it personal. She knows what she is up against and she is willing to be there. Makes me wanna cry... (if i could!).
Okay i've blabbed on enough. Thank you Holly for this topic!
lisa

It's very good to know that with increased communication and awareness between the parts of my system, some of the frustrations I have experienced in attempting relationships can be lessened. This a great relief to hear this from others who are farther along than I am. In the past relationship that I described, I was not even aware that I had DID on any kind of consistent basis. He was aware of it always, and of course this caused many angry outbursts from me when confronted about it. I realize now I was just not ready to get into therapy and begin to deal with it. And that's okay, because I am ready now. And not just me but most of my others as well. I was so excited to find a DID community here and have loved reading this blog. Please keep it coming.

Greater awareness and cohesiveness as a collective "identity" allows for ones partner to feel stable in knowing that you are there and will be there (to some extent) when he/she returns. This helps to build trust and other important relationship values. Also it can help there to be a more solid sense of boundaries and safety on both sides of the relationship. Without this ones partner may actually become overwhelming and invasive hoping that if they stay as close as possible their partner will not switch and that the relationship will stay the way it is at this moment.
I know as someone that has dated someone else with DID that not knowing who I am coming home to, how they feel about me or if they will even know who I am is anxiety provoking and can cause a great deal of stress within the relationship. With greater awareness and co-awareness comes a sense of stability and trust. Also with greater awareness comes less mis-communication as there is less of the "Did I say that?, I don't remember saying that" phenomenon.
-Dana

Holly-
I was reading the comments here and I felt the need to input the fact that while no -DID and/or parts- can not be controlled, they can be worked with and suitable compromises can be made. As an individual with DID gets to know their parts, learns to communicate effectively with them and works to become co-conscious and awareness increases it is possible for things to stabilize and compromises to be made.
An example of this in my own system: L is a very conservative Christian female and F is a angry teenage male. While still their actions do not line up and may appear "inconsistent" to those around me F will allow L to go to church and do her thing without interrupting; likewise L will allow F to listen to his loud rock music.
Also with increased awareness there is less "lost time" and less frequency that one is left wondering "Did I do that?" when confronted with saying or doing something that one doesn't remember saying or doing.
Just offering a bit of hope for those that are not yet in this place.
**Side Note** My system is relatively large and while I do not lose a lot of time to the more dominant parts of my system there are still times that I do lose time to parts that I am less in tune with and aware of.
Dana

Once I came to the understanding I was up against an illness I think I was able to chill out a little bit and really learn. Having loved someone for close to 20 years and then having to walk away thinking it was some sort of game being played was difficult. It felt like I couldn't breath in the end. Like I couldn't clean up the mistakes or ease the pain it seemed I was causing. Walking away was the only option or so I thought.
Survival and defense techniques for people with Mental Illnesses are so different I even questioned whether they had real deep emotional feelings? Even doing searches for "BP and feelings" and "BP and love". Somehow lost in the thoughts that if this person really cared they would do this and that. Well, they don't do this and that and what they do try to do to cope and express love will spin you so fast you'll forget your name.
I came real close recently to making the walk away again to a dear friend who painted me the villian. Me? With all my co dependency issues and hero outfits, how could I be the villian? Well I held on to ride out the turbulence and after 4 months the fog has lifted. She's on a new mix of meds that seems to be working,she has a new life structure with stable housing, therapy 3 times and hope. One day at a time we're taking it. Now a lot of relief comes from knowing the issues I have and deal with got a name and I can work on to make life bearable.

Holly,
Yes, outside support does help tremendously. Sometimes it feels like I fell into a bowl of alphabet soup and one minute I'm swimming with BP, then OCD, then ODD, then MR, then DID. I've learned the hard way taking care of myself has to be number one. Not taking things pesonally I'm getting better at but still get sucker punched when I least expect it. I'm learning communicaton is really important even if either of us can't express things as clearly as we'd like to, which is a tremendous frustration.
Learning to dial down some of the expectations. Close friend of mine once said he only needed 1 good thing to happen to "make" his day. For me, I'm the opposite, 1 bad thing and it can often be shot. Taking it day by day.

Thank You for this post.....Thank You for being able to put the words down.
~sm

Is there any hope in controlling the ride? There are just so many triggers. Its like the secret recipe for KFC. Today I'm fortunate to be enjoying the kisses for the first time in awhile but know deep down tommorrow I can be treated like the hated villain. I'm not sure I even want to try and have some heart to heart discussion of where her mind kidnapped her to? Sorry, Hard to put into words like so much of this illness. I even feel like sometimes I know too much about her issues that she pushes me away so a "fresh start" can be attempted. Which I do understand in someways. Not to mention the anxiety and panic feelings that come when your mind starts racing about what ifs.

If parts of your system sees your partner as a threat and tries to push her away, how do you know if you really love her or not? I have struggled with this in a past relationship. I have asked myself time and again why i pushed him away (and even repeatedly forgot that he even existed) only to scream at myself inside when i realized what i had done and most of me felt intense sadness. Do you think it is possible to gain some sort of control over these bitches inside me? I cannot figure out why they sabotage me if i am only going to cry about it later. This constant back and forth is very exhausting emotionally.I wish i knew what i really want, if this makes any sense.