I should be able to fix my own depression -- or at least that's what the world keeps telling me. We have a lot of euphemisms for it: pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, walking it off, turning that frown upside down, and so on. And the Internet is full of New Age gurus (and lay people) claiming to know the secret of how to do it -- just buy my book and wave your depression goodbye. But if everyone says it's possible, why can't I fix my own depression?

Why Do People Tell Me I Can Fix My Own Depression?

There is big money in telling people they can fix their own depressions. You can use that idea to sell books, tinctures, videos, courses, herbs, and a million other things. There are "enterprising" people everywhere who will take advantage of this notion.

Not only that, but if a person has been through something they consider to be depression and have gotten through it, they really want to tell you about it. They fixed their own depression, so you can fix your own depression, too.

This is a cacophony of misinformation and disinformation.

And all of this pressure tends to make people think they can fix their own depression, and if they can't, then something is wrong with them.

What Is the Depression You Can Fix Yourself?

Let's take a look at what is and what isn't depression.

Having a few blue days, temporary sadness due to a life event like a death or divorce, or sadness that doesn't affect your daily, ongoing life -- these things are not clinical depression. They are sadness. They are part of the human experience. They are unpleasant but not destructive. They do not make you suicidal. A person may need time to deal with one of these things. A person may even need help to deal with these things (grief counseling, for example, is common), but they are not a medical condition.*

People experiencing these things might say they're "so depressed," but what they really mean is that they're so sad, upset, overwhelmed, or another descriptor.

Depression, on the other hand, is a mental illness. It has ongoing symptoms that range from appetite and sleep changes and feelings of guilt to suicidality. It impairs daily functioning. It affects jobs and relationships. It can actually cost a person their life. It is a medical condition.

Just from that description, you can see that due to their severity levels, depression and sadness are in different worlds. 

Nonetheless, society often doesn't make this distinction. Everything seems to be categorized as depression, and we are sold the notion that we can fix our own depression.

Is Something Wrong with Me If I Can't Fix My Own Depression?

In short no, nothing is wrong with you. People who have real, clinical, major depression are dealing with a medical illness. Medical illnesses require actual treatment. You get that treatment from a professional. You can't fix a mental illness yourself any more than you can fix another type of illness like cancer.

I understand why anyone, myself included, would feel like they should be able to fix their own depression. That idea is everywhere. But it just isn't reasonable.

So, give yourself a break. There is nothing wrong with you for needing help. Doctors trained for years for just such an occurrence. If you can't fix your own depression, that means one thing: it means you're normal.

* Note that what starts as a life event can lead to clinical depression. Duration and severity differ in these cases.

The voice of my eating disorder (ED) often tries to influence what I think, feel, or believe about myself—but ED thoughts do not have to become actions, no matter how persuasive they sound. An ED thought only has power if I choose to accept its narrative and react accordingly.

As research shows, a human brain will transition from one thought to another about 6.5 times per minute.¹ That means over 6,000 conscious thoughts occur on a daily basis. Some are benign or even beneficial, but others can lead to reckless, harmful behaviors if I let them. Fortunately, this decision is within my own control. Eating disorder thoughts do not have to become actions.   

It Helps Me to Know that ED Thoughts Do Not Have to Become Actions

I alone am responsible for how I react to whatever thoughts cross my mind. That realization has been a transformative part of my healing. I used to feel defenseless anytime an ED thought whispered in my ear—I would habitually respond to it, never once making the connection that I had a choice to reframe this thought and steer my brain in a healthier direction.

But I know differently now. Just because the eating disorder wants me to behave in a certain way, this does not mean I suddenly lose all resistance and resolve. I might not be able to banish an ED thought entirely, but I do have personal agency to determine if I will act on it.

Sure, I can allow an ED thought to dictate what I perceive to be true. I can hand over the reins and let it govern my actions. Or I can stand firm against the temptation and choose to prioritize recovery instead. There is so much freedom in knowing it's up to me—ED thoughts do not have to become actions unless I give them permission. This debunks the false narrative I once staunchly believed. As it turns out, I can think for myself without an eating disorder always calling the shots.

Are You Aware that ED Thoughts Do Not Have to Become Actions?

It took me several years to face the truth—I had been actively choosing to surrender control to my eating disorder. Sometimes, I still catch myself under the influence of an ED thought, but now I have the self-awareness to consider my response before automatically reacting.

So, I want to pose a question: Has it occurred to you that ED thoughts do not have to become actions? Does that reassure and empower you to take a firm stance against the narratives your eating disorder spins? How might this realization inform your own healing process? If you feel comfortable sharing, please let me know in the comment section. 

Source

1. Tseng, J., & Poppenk, J. (2020). Brain meta-state transitions demarcate thoughts across task contexts exposing the mental noise of trait neuroticism. Nature Communications, 11(1). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41467-020-17255-9

Rebuilding relationships after a gambling addiction is a tall hill to climb. I know this too well because my gambling addiction left a trail of broken relationships. A few months into my recovery journey, it dawned on me how much I had lost—not only money but also valuable relationships that had taken me years to build. My actions had caused my loved ones so much hurt that they found it harder to trust me, which naturally built a wall between us. Today, I'll share what I have learned about rebuilding relationships after addiction.

Understanding the Impact of Gambling Addiction on Relationships

Gambling addiction does not only affect the individual caught in its grip–it ripples outwards, affecting the lives of loved ones in profound ways. The cycle of secrecy, manipulation, and broken promises makes it harder for family and friends to trust. It also causes communication breakdowns. Conversations slowly start turning into arguments when family members confront you about your gambling habits and financial strains.

Unless addressed, these issues negatively affect relationships between you and your family and friends. 

Rebuilding Relationships After Addiction

• Taking full responsibility--The first step is the hardest–owning up to the full extent of your addiction. This means coming clean about the money lost, the debts incurred, and the emotional toll you inflicted. Your loved ones likely endured lies, manipulation, and possibly even financial hardship due to your addiction. Acknowledge their pain and apologize sincerely, without excuses. 
• Building open communication--Talk openly about your triggers and the specific steps you are taking to recover. One of the impacts gambling addiction has on relationships is communication breakdown. It is important that the other party feels like they can trust you again and their concerns are heard. Understand that your loved ones might not understand gambling addiction fully. Be patient with their questions and answer them truthfully. Regular, honest conversations foster a sense of security and allow them to feel included in your recovery process.
• Demonstrating change--You need to show them that you are committed to quitting this time. They have probably heard you say you would quit numerous times and may not fully believe you. Following through on your commitments demonstrates your seriousness about staying on the right track.

Rebuilding relationships after a gambling addiction can be challenging. Some actions were done in the heat of the moment, and the extent of the damage caused wasn't fully realized until now. However, through dedication, support, and a commitment to recovery, rebuilding relationships after gambling is possible.

Watch the video below for more details:

Can you be manipulative without knowing it? Is such a thing even possible? My therapist says without knowing it, you can be manipulative. Read on to learn more about what she calls unintentional manipulation. 

How Can You Be Manipulative Without Realizing It?

Is it possible to be manipulative without realizing it? How does that work? This is what I asked my therapist in a recent session, and she had a simple yet brilliant answer: everyone does not have a strong moral compass. As a result, a person can be manipulative without realizing it, which is called unintentional manipulation. She explained that when one does not have a strong moral compass, the line between right and wrong is blurred, and a person feels little to no guilt when they behave manipulatively.

Moreover, she said it is possible to be unintentionally manipulative and still be a decent human being. Many people lack self-awareness and do not realize how their words and actions affect others.

An Example of Manipulation Without Realizing It

Thirdly, manipulation can also be a trauma response, which is how one deals with or responds to a traumatic event. For example, consider that a heterosexual couple is in the middle of a fight. The man makes a mistake by yelling at the woman in public, but he refuses to apologize. Instead, he justifies his action by saying she "made him yell" by speaking to him when he was hungry. The woman retaliates by walking away and not speaking to him for days, also known as the silent treatment. She starts talking to him only after he calls her and apologizes. The silent treatment is a manipulation tactic, but it is also a trauma response. It would not have occurred if the man had spoken respectfully to his partner. Note that the man is also being manipulative because instead of accepting his mistake, he is shifting the blame to his partner. 

There are many more reasons why people are unconsciously manipulative, but my therapy session ended before I could know about them. Besides, I cannot list all the reasons in a single blog post because it would run too long. The bottom line is that it is difficult to deal with manipulative people, so it is crucial to know if you are usually the manipulator or the manipulated.

What to Do If You Are Being Intentionally or Unintentionally Manipulated

All of us are occasionally manipulative without knowing it, and that's okay because we are flawed beings. However, if you often find yourself on the receiving end of manipulation, you must protect yourself and your peace of mind. Check out the video below, wherein I talk about therapist-approved ways to deal with manipulative people. 

Understanding my adult separation anxiety in borderline personality disorder (BPD) involves delving into its complexities and origins. My adult separation anxiety in BPD is more than just feeling uneasy when separated from loved ones; it's a deep-seated fear of abandonment that I can trace back to childhood experiences of neglect, loss, or inconsistent caregiving. These early experiences created a heightened sensitivity to perceived threats of rejection or abandonment in my adult relationships.

Adult Separation Anxiety in BPD: The Needy Puppy Analogy

Reflecting on my own experiences with separation anxiety in BPD, I recall moments from my childhood when I anxiously awaited my mom's return from work. Stationed by the window, I'd wait, unable to focus on anything else until she was safely home. Separation anxiety in BPD made me feel like a needy puppy, constantly tethered to my mom for reassurance and security. Through trauma therapy sessions, I began to unravel the roots of this issue. I realized I had placed my mom on a pedestal, viewing her as my favorite and most important person, even above myself. This perception made any time away from her feel like a small death, intensifying my separation anxiety in BPD.

As an adult, I've noticed these patterns recurring. Placing those closest to me on pedestals only intensifies my fear of being apart from them. These feelings evolve into a sense of isolation, leaving me to ponder whether my loved ones miss me as much as I miss them. This cycle of doubt only deepens the sense of disconnection I feel. It's reminiscent of being that scared little girl waiting by the window. These days, feeling like a needy puppy who is afraid of abandonment brings about a lot of shame. Instead of succumbing to these scary feelings in adulthood, my BPD attempts to protect me by convincing me to push my loved ones away. This can look like exhibiting hot and cold behavior and accusing them of indifference.

Adult Separation Anxiety in BPD: Cultivating Secure Attachment

Adult separation anxiety in BPD has this twisted effect on me where I almost crave for my loved ones to experience the same level of paranoia I do. It's like I've conditioned myself to only see love or care when they're going through emotional chaos like me. Lately, I've been asking myself why I would want to drag them into this mess of neediness. Why does seeing them emotionally secure sometimes scare me?

In therapy, I've been delving deeper into understanding the intricacies of secure attachment in BPD. Secure attachment is simply a better way for me to navigate intimacy. Secure attachment is not just about feeling close to someone or relying on them for support; it's about having a consistent and reliable connection that fosters trust, emotional safety, and a sense of belonging. Secure attachment means feeling confident in expressing my needs and emotions, knowing they will be met with understanding and care.

Check out my video to discover the strategies and insights I've gathered on cultivating secure attachment while healing adult separation anxiety in borderline personality disorder. I talk about the practice of communicating openly, learning to acknowledge and address my triggers without burdening my loved ones and expecting them to walk on eggshells.

Coping with depression at work isn't easy. I currently work full-time from home. Like many others, I spend more time in front of the computer and on the phone with strangers than with loved ones. Once I clock out, I am so drained that I don't want to talk to anyone. My social battery is empty. Yet, the next day, I put on that smiling face and log back in to start the cycle again. Working takes up so much of my time and energy that there have been many times when working triggered a depressive episode. Or, if I was already depressed, work made my sadness even worse without specific ways to cope with depression at work.

Tips for Coping with Depression at Work

So, how can we cope with depression and still be productive at work? There are a few things that I have found that have helped lessen the dark cloud of depression while I am working. Granted, these are not always foolproof, but using these tips, I have found it easier to cope with having to get up every day and put on a smiling face.

• Use your paid time off (PTO). First and foremost, PTO is given to most full-time employees for a reason. Yes, it is used for summer or holiday vacations, but it is also used for sick days. Sick days no longer mean only being physically ill; this is now for employees also to take mental health days. A mental health day does not show weakness or lack of commitment to the job. What it does show is a commitment to your wellbeing. 
• Take several small breaks. Granted, I understand that not all jobs allow several five-minute breaks during the day. However, even if it is to take the garbage outside or to go the restroom, small breaks allow you to breathe and refocus your brain on the task at hand. It is also helpful to do some stretching when you have some downtime. 
• Take your lunch break away from your desk or station. I know, I know, I'm guilty of it, too. I can't tell you how often I have sat at my desk, working and eating simultaneously. Not only does this not allow you to give your brain a break, but it also doesn't allow you to relax and enjoy what you're eating. Everyone needs that time away from what they are working on to refocus. Some suggestions are to go outside, sit in your car, go to the breakroom, or go to a different quiet room. 
• Do not ignore the issue. Last but certainly not least, do not ignore your depression or try to convince yourself that you can push through it each day. These actions make things worse, possibly to the point of leaving your employment or being let go from your job. Which then creates a whole new set of triggers. 

It is difficult for me to focus or even be motivated when depressed. This is especially so when I am coping with depression at work. I have also found that working from home doesn't always help the situation. However, because I cannot change that part of my job at the moment, I need to use the tips above to keep being productive while at work and depressed. Those tips also help reduce the chances of getting burned out and depressed because of my employment. Either way, self-care and wellbeing at work are as meaningful as outside work.

I'm always looking for new ways to cope with my depression at work; I welcome any suggestions in the comment section below. 

Fasting can be related to mental health. Fasting, the practice of abstaining from food or drink for a specific period, is significant in cultures and societies across the world. People fast for various reasons, from religious observance and spiritual purification to weight management and personal health goals. In fact, Ramadan, a month of fasting observed by Muslims, ended very recently. And it got me thinking: how does fasting impact mental health? Let's take a look. 

Fasting Can Benefit Mental Health

Fasting is associated with a range of mental health benefits. According to research, 

"Short-term fasting can cause mood enhancement, which is reflected by increased positive mood and vitality and decreased negative mood. In an 18h [hour] fasting among healthy women, they found that fasting can lead to increased irritability and increase positive affective experiences such as a sense of achievement, reward, pride, and control."¹ 

Conversely, Fasting Can Harm Mental Health

On the flip side, fasting can also have undesirable effects on one's mental health. 

"Some studies reported that short-term fasting can increase negative emotions (depression, anxiety, anger, irritability, fatigue, and tension) and decrease positive emotions and vitality. In a two-day consecutive fasting study, lower positive mood, higher negative mood, and lower perceived work performance were observed."¹ 

Balancing Fasting and Mental Health

As you can see, fasting can benefit or harm your mental health. From what I have seen, fasting benefits the mental health of individuals in good mental and physical health and those with strong religious beliefs. Fasting may be detrimental for those who are struggling with mental illness or have physical limitations. 

It is crucial to strike a balance between fasting and mental wellbeing based on your individual needs. For example, if you struggle with disordered eating or mental health conditions like depression, fasting may be dangerous for your wellbeing. Make sure you consult a healthcare professional well in advance so you can make an informed and safe choice, especially if you are new to fasting.

By finding a balance that prioritizes self-care, you can take advantage of the potential benefits of fasting while protecting your mental wellbeing. However, if you are unable to fast for health reasons, know that there are other ways to show your reverence to whatever higher power you believe in. 

Remember: to fast or not to fast should be a personal decision, not one made out of social pressure.

Source

1. Wang, Y., & Wu, R. (2022). The Effect of Fasting on Human Metabolism and Psychological Health. Disease markers, 2022, 5653739. https://doi.org/10.1155/2022/5653739

Do naps affect schizoaffective disorder? For me, they do—in a good way. Here’s how naps improve my schizoaffective disorder.

Naps Are Usually Good for My Schizoaffective Disorder

I’ve known for a long time that naps ease my schizoaffective disorder because I always feel better after a nap. My husband, Tom, loves to take naps on his days off from work at a bank. It’s his favorite thing to do. And he likes to take naps with me. So, we started having what Tom calls “lie-downs” together in the afternoon.

It wasn’t until very recently, though, that it clicked with me about the positive effects naps have on my schizoaffective disorder. I wake up feeling refreshed. (Sometimes I have nightmares, though. A nightmare can mess with my head for at least an hour after a nap or a night’s sleep. But, in the big picture, the naps are worth it.)

It’s hard for me to take a nap every day. Some days, I have too much to do, like on Mondays when I have therapy in the afternoon.

But, honestly, I usually don’t have that much on my plate. And, except for when I’m napping with Tom, I only nap for two hours maximum.

I’m dieting again, and I tend to snack when I’m bored. So, sometimes, I take naps instead of snacking. Some people may think this isn’t healthy, but it works for me.

Just Because Naps Positively Affect My Schizoaffective Disorder Doesn’t Mean I’m Lazy

I think there’s a stereotype that people who don’t have that much to do and who take naps are lazy. Well, there’s a difference between having low energy and being lazy, I feel. A lot of the reason I’m low on energy is because of the medication I take for my schizoaffective disorder. A long time ago, years before I started writing for HealthyPlace, my medications at the time zonked me out all day, and I was up all night. For a long time, I slept all day and watched infomercials all night. A medication change switched me back to a normal schedule of being up all day most of the time and sleeping at night.

Sometimes, I’m afraid that napping too much will switch my sleep cycle back to sleeping all day and staying up all night. But then I remember that a shorter nap helps me sleep at night. So, I don’t think I need to worry about that.

So, those are some of the ways that naps affect my schizoaffective disorder. Do you find that napping helps you? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

I've found that grief and anxiety go together alongside the feelings of sadness, anger, regret, loneliness, and depression. However, in my education and throughout what I have learned, the relationship between grief and anxiety was not usually addressed.

But in experiencing anxiety and grief myself, I've learned that there isn't a one-size-fits-all way of coping when you experience a loss. There isn't a predictable pattern when overcoming grief. As a matter of fact, we all experience grief differently, and when anxiety is something that you regularly struggle with, this is something to consider as a factor in the grieving process. For instance, grief can trigger or worsen an anxiety disorder, and this may even result in prolonged grief.¹

How I Have Coped with Grief and Anxiety

It has been about five years since my father passed away. When he was in the hospital, I remember constantly experiencing panic attacks. My anxiety was through the roof, and I always felt as though I couldn't quite gain any sort of control over anything that was happening. As such, I remember feeling continuously physically sick.

Immediately after he died, those thoughts, feelings, and emotions increased even further. While, with time, you expect that grief will subside, for a long time afterward, I felt constantly anxious. To this day, it is still something I occasionally struggle with when it comes to grieving. Other losses that I experienced afterward were associated with tremendous amounts of anxiety as well.

One of the reasons I felt I experienced anxiety during the death of my father was due to a lack of control. I felt like I couldn't control anything, from his illness to the timeline that we were looking at. Using techniques to stay grounded in the present, such as through the use of mindfulness, became vital. I knew I needed to focus not on what I couldn't control but on what I could control.

Throughout my process of anxiety and grief, I also found myself getting lost in memories. This is not necessarily a bad thing. If anything, memories are a way to honor those you've lost. However, this can be problematic when there's anxiety associated with those memories.

My support system has been so important in the process of grief with anxiety, whether it is through grieving together or leaning on that person for support. Using mindfulness and deep breathing techniques helps me to stay focused on the moment and what I can control.

The process of grief is not simple, nor is it a process that exists without anxiety, especially when anxiety is something you already deal with.

How have you dealt with the grief and anxiety associated with it? Share your strategies in the comments below.

Source

1. Shear, M. K., & Skritskaya, N. (2012b). Bereavement and anxiety. Current Psycchiatry Reports/Current Psychiatry Reports, 14(3), 169–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-012-0270-2

"I'll sleep when I'm dead" is a line my former self fully embraced before learning more about sleeping for mental health. If others didn't need sleep, I thought I didn't either. That thought process took a nasty toll on my mental health. Sleeping is essential for mental health and shouldn't be put on the back burner.

How Sleeping for Mental Health Faded for Me

I had gotten used to seeing media normalizing, even glamorizing, not sleeping for mental health. How often does a hot-shot TV character, maybe a doctor, lawyer, or detective, mention that they had "spent all night working" with a coffee in their hand? In my head, successful people didn't waste time sleeping.

Beyond this incorrect sentiment about success, I just frankly didn't like sleep in general. The idea of losing eight to nine hours of a day is quite frankly terrifying. In a world where I'm torn between "I need to be productive" and "I want to disengage," sleep didn't fit into the picture.

After calculating the time between work, the commute, making meals, and running errands, I wanted some time for myself (at least that's what I told myself). The late nights scrolling or watching TV was "me time." And it was, technically, but it wasn't time well spent. Those hours didn't make me feel more rested or myself; they were a way to avoid the inevitable.

The truth is that I was scared of my thoughts, and I resented having to wake up and face another full day (a day that would have been much more enjoyable had I gotten enough sleep.)

Why Sleeping for Mental Health Is Important

Even though I didn't think (or want to think) that my sleep schedule mattered, it did. After days or weeks of skimping on sleep, my mental state noticeably worsened. I became more sensitive, irritable, and prone to depressive episodes and anxious thoughts. My memory declined, focusing was harder, and I was more likely to give in to unhealthy habits (such as excessive phone scrolling).

It's not uncommon to hear about the benefits of eight hours of sleep on the body, but the brain needs sleep, too—it craves it.

The mind needs rest, especially frantic ones caught up in worries like mine. My days felt like a mental marathon, and no wonder sleep deprivation made it worse. I didn't give my mind enough time to reset and restore itself. I had been ignoring one of the biggest basics of recovery: sleeping for mental health.

Sleeping for Mental Health Education

To start caring about sleeping for mental health, I had to accept how serious it was. I firmly believe it is not talked about enough. Sure, it's no hidden secret that sleep is good for you, but I didn't understand how bad it was for you not to sleep. 

Sleep education was the first step I had to take to start prioritizing sleep, and here's how I learned: 

Sleep is a huge part of the human experience. It's not glamorous, fun, or exciting, but it is necessary. To keep a mind stable and sharp, sleep is essential. I regret the years I didn't let my mind rest. I no longer feel I am losing hours of my day sleeping; instead, I am now able to fully enjoy the moments I am awake because I did sleep for my mental health.