confusion---------

today is just like most of my down days, I either burry my head in the covers and cease to function, or I lash out at the world because I can't feel.  Oh how I need to feel anything , a prick on the arm , a pinch on the face , a slap any thing pain heck wake me up,I feel so dead inside like no one exist, so I do it , I cut to prove I am alive.   I would much rather be manic and running all over the place doing everthing staying busy than this slow death. being depressed. I just so want to be with my husband Richard who past away in 2003 or my friend John who died in 2006 than live this hell of depression I am going though right now. It feels like my lifefource is slowly being drained from me and it hurts.

Please don't give my that line this will all pass soon, I have been listening to that for 12 years , then my head shrinker  killed himelf. poeteic justic I guess, the man that was supose to be helping me, offed himelf , just think he couldn't even  help himself.  Left me to deal with my problem once again on my own, just like everyone else in my life.  I feel so betrayed and its not really their fault just crappy timing in my life.

this right now is just getting my thoughts out of my head, I don't really have a safe place to do that anymore.  just guide me through this journey.

thanks

love to all 

moonpie