BPD and Suicide: My Experience

Trigger warning: This post contains a frank discussion of borderline personality disorder and suicide.

All too often, borderline personality disorder (BPD) and suicidal ideation go hand-in-hand, and I am no exception. I am grateful today that I survived my childhood and early adult years, but it was not easy. This is my experience with suicide before I knew I had BPD.

BPD and Suicide: Surviving My Childhood

Throughout my childhood and teen years, suicide was an idea I wouldn’t consider, apart from the occasional re-evaluation of my choice not to die by suicide.

I liked being alive as a kid, but I hated my life. I liked how I thought and enjoyed being happy — even though I wasn’t. I spent a lot of time feeling isolated and trapped. I lived under a strict schedule. My daily activities were organized every half-hour in an Excel spreadsheet and taped to the refrigerator.

You see, my mother used to be a radical Christian. I was always under watch as I was homeschooled. I couldn’t listen to non-Christian music, and most Disney movies were off the table. But even though I did all the cleaning, cooking, and childrearing, I knew that I would be free one day. One day, I would be big and in charge of myself. I knew, even as a seven-year-old, that eventually, this would end, even if it felt endless.

So, I resolved not to entertain the solution of suicide.

BPD and Suicide: Suicide Awareness Month

If you tie an elephant to a pole, it will struggle and pull to get away. However, once it realizes that it cannot, it will stop. You can untie the elephant, and it will not run away because it thinks it is still trapped.

Suicide awareness month has me considering my inner child. The one that’s still banging on the doors of her prison, hoping time will soon open the doors. It reminds me that even though I have escaped, there is a piece of me that, like the elephant, doesn’t realize I’m no longer a prisoner.

In my next post, I'll discuss my experience with suicidal ideation as an adult.

If you feel that you may hurt yourself or someone else, call 9-1-1 immediately.

For more information on suicide, see our suicide information, resources, and support section. For additional mental health help, please see our mental health hotline numbers and referral information section.