What is it that lies behind the voices, the odd beliefs and strange behavior of paranoid schizophrenia? Most mental disorders are easier to visualize and understand, but this particular one has a pervasive aura of mystery. Though schizophrenia is a disease of the brain there are certain patterns of thinking that are prevalent in the majority of patients. I remember these and why I believed them.

For many years I had wrongly believed that I was a bad person for having Schizoaffective disorder. Many people around me believed likewise. It was not until years later through treatment that I realized Schizoaffective disorder is something that I have, and not something that I am. This is probably why Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder can be treated better than many other mental illnesses, and will be even more treatable in the future.

Last year, a small ill kitten showed up at my front steps without a home in the middle of winter. Being allergic to cats I tried to chase him off of my porch, but he persisted to visit. The more often he visited, the more he reminded me of the homelessness that I had experienced years ago as a result of my illness, Schizoaffective Disorder. Twice in my life I was homeless for extensive periods and in need of help. I am aware of the suffering and humiliation that this can cause, therefore I felt it would not be right to allow him to suffer. Eventually, I took him in and gave him the name “Mr. Giggles”.

In my exploration of the psychotic mind, I use poetry as a tool in conveying the terror, irrationality and subtle complexities of psychosis in schizophrenia. Some of this poetry has ended up in the confines of horror magazines, literary journals and street papers. These words are derived not from fictional tales nor lost love, but from true horror deep within my own mind. I bring you to them now in this article, dedicated to the millions with schizophrenia who are haunted by these terrors daily.

Building meaningful friendships is an important part of life, and it is no less true in people with Schizophrenia.  The illness itself can cause people to fear the outside world, which is why it is so important to overcome this and interact with people. Having someone that appreciates you despite your illness, can be difficult.  Many people are misinformed about Schizophrenia, and will choose not to associate with you. When you cross or meet someone like this, it is important to realize that such a person would probably not make a good friend to begin with.  Good friends are people who will judge you by your good deeds, and not by what your health issues are.  Though it may be hurtful when someone treats you unfairly because of your diagnosis, it is important to know that such stereotypes occur predominantly out of ignorance and misguidance.

Philip K Dick, one of the world’s greatest science fiction writers, unquestionably had periods during his lifetime that he had great difficulty determining reality.  At one point he had even been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Today it is debated as to his exact condition, but what it is known is that he used his mental issues as a positive force in his writing. I am not an expert on Philip Dick, but I can easily see how my illness, schizophrenia, can be used as a positive force in writing.  The illness itself has a way of trapping you in an alternate universe, with strange plots and villains dancing about.  One only needs to transfer these places and enemies onto paper, in order to write interesting stories.

My name is Dan Hoeweler, and if you were to meet me in person, I would seem like your average eccentric artist.  I am in many ways undeniably ordinary.  I live in a house with my cat Mr Giggles, who I deeply love.  I have many friends and work as a janitor at an amusement park, and have been there for three years now without incident.  I, with the help of my family, have been purchasing and renovating houses together during the winter time.  I blend in fairly well in most situations, and if you were to talk to me you might find me somewhat intelligent and charming.

Anyone can experience Schizophrenia I believe there is a self destruct button within each and every mind. For some, this button is easier to press than others, but given just the right conditions even the most humane, sane person can experience madness. There are many types of madness, most of which are described in detail on this website, however the type of madness my blog deals with, schizophrenia, is a true escape from our world into an imagined one. It is considered by many to be the most debilitating and severe mental illness, because

It was Halloween night, and I was dressed up in costume waiting my turn to read poetry in front of 40 patrons at a local coffee shop. Despite my anxiety, I knew I had a battle to fight. Five minutes remained, my palms were sweaty, but there was no turning back now. I got up on stage, and my first words were “Hello, my name is Dan Hoeweler and I am here tonight on a mission.” I then turned on my stereo system which blared scary music from the movie “Saw”, and began to read the following poem, inspired by my mental illness, schizophrenia, completely unsure how the audience would react. Watch.

The Mystery Schizophrenia has been an enigma throughout the ages.   I have experienced firsthand the alternate realities and monsters that lie deep within the bowels of psychosis.  Through a multifaceted approach of medication, the treatment of a sleep disorder and lifestyle changes I have, at least temporarily, been able to ward off the terrifying demons of one of medical science's most feared and misunderstood illnesses.   This brings me here, to try to explain the mystery that has eluded so many throughout the ages.