Schizophrenia and Parenting: Step In or Let Go?

Heres our situation; I'm a 52 yr old mother of 3. My youngest 25 yr old son, has been Dx over 3 yrs ago with paranoid schizophrenia. 4 long hospitalizations, a day hospital one month, and many therapy sessions, and calls and visits to the director of the place we go for his treatment in our county. The last two hospitalizations were involuntary. He was a high achiever in school. Right after graduating high school, he worked, paid his way through two associates degrees in media arts. Has won half a dozen awards for his work (one national 1st place award, the rest state level).
Fast forward to the latest hospitalization. He was delusional and back on the "government entity after him", various delusions about fbi after him or whatever the delusional flavor of the day is, he became mixed catatonic. Everyone around him notices. He was working at a casino (#4 job he was fired from before but people keep giving him 2nd/3rd chances-bless him as people do truly like him and he's a sweet guy when hes on meds) his boss called me and said something was up bc he wasn't showing up for work. So, i went to his apt and he would not answer the door, his landlord said "hes back to acting strange" so did his neighbor say this. These people also really like him. Hes very likeable, Except when off meds.
After a week or so of no answering the door I called in a wellness check. This went on for another week, cops going over and knocking and him not answering. I then went to the court and filed a petition for him to go into the hospital again. This is where now it gets sticky...this took another over a week to get the police to go into his home and take him in (with another amended court order and a landlord with the key to let them in).
At the hospital he punched a security after he was put in a gown with nothing under it. He took off running out of the hospital and ended up in the parking lot totally naked. His gown fell off during the fighting off the security guard. This hospital KNOWS he escapes. He's never gotten physical though. ughhh. But come on, I've warned them relentlessly that we need to put safeguards in place and it falls on deaf ears UNTIL, you know something happens.
He was sent to a hospital two hours away where he spent close to a month and was stabilized on HEAVY meds (Haldol, Clozari-for the delusions/hallucinationsl, Valium also for a bit bc of the catatonia).
Today marks the two month mark since that episode and yesterday we go a notice for him to appear in court. He's been charged with assault, indecent exposure for running out into the parking lot naked, and disturbing the peace.
In my mind, I'm thinking "whew" this couldve been worse. Thank GOD it wasn't worse. Because you see, I live with family secrets....there are others in the family that have this evil disease and the outcome has ranged from suicide to prison for murder. I am SO sick of this disease. My son doesn't know about the worst family members who have had this....fortunately i've been able to keep those out of the equation here, but in our case there's something vastly messed up in the gene pool. I have been dealing with it since my first memory at 6 yrs old (Mommy Dearest with her photographic memory, Munchausens, S, and High IQ-smart as a whip and got so good at hiding her dirty deeds, she was able to severely hurt people and never be held accountable even after countless State Hospital stays). I'm now 52 and I'm wondering how I was dealt such a nightmarish hand. Never thought my youngest son would get this horrific disease.
I have the utmost empathy for anyone dealing with this. IT IS A NIGHTMARE I AM TIRED OF LIVING TO SEE. It drove me right down into the ground with alcohol BC NO ONE WOULD EVER HELP. At least now, with him there is much better help than with my mother or other fam members I've long since walked away from. I do feel blessed simply bc I myself have been sober for years and got away from the ones I could no longer take abuse from. I could not begin to imagine what it would be like trying to help my son while still using alcohol. Yes, being around it growing up I learned quite young, wrongfully so, that alcohol could ease the pain, unaware that it would make things worse in the end.
Right now I'm just praying these misdemeanors will be all that happens, but yah right....there will be more hospitalizations, more issues with son along the way, I'm just praying all it will be is hospitalizations and helping him through whatever he goes through, mild issues, you know? Sad when mild for me is misdemeanors, court appearances, help with bills, emotional support, daily stuff, making him shower, get outside, yada. The never ending days of missed work....long ago I learned to deal I'd have to be self employed, my own boss so I could be super flexible to deal with whatever is dealt.
Now I'm seeing signs with a gdaughter. UGH. How long can I keep dealing....
Tonight I sent him back to his own apartment. He lives 5 miles from me and is allowed to drive and has his own vehicle. He was over going down the rabbit hole on his misdemeanors. Probably by tomorrow it'll be a full on melt down equipped with many delusions on how the FBI is setting him up, ughhhghghgh. I told him go home, I'm not taking that trip with him.
At some point I have to focus on keeping my life moving in a healthy direction. If I'm not healthy I am of no value to him. Period. Today, I set boundaries with fam. I don't mind helping, but not at the cost of my own financial, mental, emotional health.
For now bc he has been court ordered to take his meds and his shot every month (Haldol and Clozaril), he's somewhat coherent and orderly even if he's on a rabbit hole dive at the moment. I'm hopeful and have faith that on his own, at his own place he will work it out (or not). I am going to relax tonight....at least for one night. I've learned that yes I can be there, but I need breaks. And I'm not afraid to send them packing for a few until I recharge.
Good luck everyone. We aren't perfect, we also need rest, and we can only do what we can do.

Our stepson we helped raise was diagnosed with S recently, we knew for a few years he had something wrong, from the Russians being after him to him laughing at inappropriate times and things, the sleep issues, the dilutions, you name it. He is on meds now ( when he remembers to take them) and now thinks new things will make him feel better, such as a car, but we don't agree. He is working, but can barely manage part time..... full time is out of the question. He is a very sweet kid, but not very bright. He did not do well in school, and has really no friends to speak of. I feel bad for him, but really don't want to deal with him either. I know this is life long and am hoping at some point he will get his stuff together, but I guess only time will tell. The stories on here are heartbreaking, and I do hope he does better in time, but I'm just not so sure how optimistic I am knowing how he was before the DX. Frustrated in Seattle. Cassie

My friend is paying for an Asian bride to come from overseas for her adult (late 30s) schozophrenic son who was involuntarily commited last year, now released, and was violent in hospital. It is hard for me to hold my tongue about the risks to this young woman being brought from overseas to placate the fellow, who refuses to stay on medication, spends all night on the computer, is incapable of doing any work, becomes fixated making conversation difficult and has been wholly supported by his mother since he was a teenager. Should I just stop talking about it with her? As a mother, she feels there is nothing else she can do.

Our daughter is 34 and about 1 year ago, something triggered her schizophrenia. She has withdrawn from everyone in her family and most of the world. She has blocked anyone on her phone that she thinks is a threat. Now; not paying her rent or bills and has shut out the landlord who is a friend and wants to help but with no luck. Now they have no choice put to evict her.
Where do we go from here? Most of the family thinks just to let her hit bottom and then if she reaches out to help any we can. Some want to just keep paying her bills and just let her sit in the house with no responsibilities. Never been on medication and impossible to get to her when she refuses to talk to ANYONE.
Help.

I have heard so many of these stories and have lived them too. Our mental health care system is broken and our leadership only creates more bandaids.
Then there are those that believe that Jesus, God and prayers will make it all better.

Please help me. My 27year old youngest daughter violently attacked me whilst having a psychotic episode. She wanted me dead. My sons came and took me to where they live so I'd be safe. I don't know what to do My daughter was arrested then sectioned. I am so worried about her she seriously hurt me broken ribs and wrist. Large bruises everywhere on my body. I don't think she aware of what shes done

My Adult son has 'simple schitzophrenia' Diagnosed 5 years ago and hospitalized (voluntarily) after phsychotic episode. Discontinued medication after 2 years. Increasingly deteriorating. Now Can't work,sleep, watch tv. computer, use phone read,play music (amazing natural musician). Can't communicate other than voices in his head. Can't travel . Just walks in and out of house and along the village where we live. GP useless. He/I desperately need help!!!

I feel for each and every one of you who are going through this heartbreaking nightmare roller coaster. I have been dealing with this for 5 years with my son who is 26. The judicial and mental health system are broken on so many levels. Each state has different mental health laws, some much better than others. For example, I live in Georgia. It is very difficult to get mental help and resources here, and our homeless population is ridiculous, because people with mental illnesses can just roam the streets unmedicated and live in tents with no accountablility or structure which usually ends in disaster. People like my son and your loved ones need accountability, boundaries, and structure. Otherwise, unmedicated they can act like wild animals which is not safe for anyone. New York is one of the best states with some of the best mental health laws. They even have a Hygiene law there for sanitary and health reasons. People with mental illnesses there are made to be accountable and to comply with medication or treatment, or they are picked up and taken to a psyche facility involuntarily to be stabalized. In turn, homeless population is much lower there. I believe people should have rights, but when they are obviously unstable, they need medical and psychiatric intervention against their will for the health and safety for themselves as well as others. It's up to the lawmakers and state to change and improve laws for the better. It should not be this difficult to advocate for what is best for our loved ones. Something should have been changed years ago

We are willing to relocate just about anywhere to find good supported living options for our 26 y.o. son with SchizzoAffective Disorder. He is the youngest of 4, we are both in our 60's and we are exhausted. Josh was the most challenging of the four children, and currently, as much as we love and adore him, he is more work now than when he was a toddler. We realize that the older he gets the more dependant he is on us. We feel we are disabling him further and he will not grow and develop independence as long as he is home with mom and dad. However, we know he needs some level of supported living. A good group home or supported living apartments. We can supplement about $2000/month in addition to his SSI. Most of the good places we have found are tens of thousands per month!!! Who can afford that? I'd love to hear from anyone who is aware of good supported living programs out there. You can email me at jbengry@aol.com.
Thank you kindly, Sara Marie B.

Hi after reading many on this board I too have a son that is a paranoid schizophrenic n 25 yrs old! He won’t see a specialist or take meds n blames me for manipulating him into see our dr. He says he can’t go into stores cause the people talk about him (delusions)! His paranoid schizophrenia started well he called it (IT) started he said to me age 17.5! I would love to get involved more with mental health to change for better mental health! My son was stopped by police back n may for no signal usage n he has never been n jail n this bought on his phsicosis worse again! We had to hire a attorney for him! Yes I’m scared to be alone n my home with him alone he had knives but they disappeared plus our kitchen knives I put away!! We need. To advocate for better mental health! Most mentally ill end up n prison, on the streets medicating themselves with all sorts of drugs n this can not go on! Nami is ok but we need to help ourselves for better mental health for the ones we need help for! We have voices n we need heard!!

hello and thank you for this site....I am about to lose my own mind here. My son is 33 y.o. and has been diagnosed with schizophrenia since 18. At the age of 18 a middle aged man preyed on my son, got him into the gay life style ( he was not gay ) and has taken every dime of his ssi since then..My son contracted hiv while living with this man. 4 years ago my son came back home but still gives this man every penny he gets...the man bouught a house with the money and leads my son in to believing it is his house..makes my son pay utilities, insurance, and taxes. no one lives in it....my eldest son is attempting to purchase the house from this man so his brother can always have a place to live in life but the man is dragging his feet...won't evey give my son the 60,000 he owes him. I am too old to deal with this anymore and I need to let go, I just don't know how....it's killing me...I support my ill son in every way, house, food, transportation, clothing, etc...everything.....i am going to die before him...oh jesus

I'm so thankful to run across this...I have a 27 year old son with schitzoafective.. and have gone through it all.. I hate that our country has no help and especially my state of Illinois. I think all of us mothers need to start a movement and make some changes. Our children don't deserve this...

I have a 30 year old granddaughter who has recently been diagnosed with schizophrenia and she is a “cutter” and is addicted to meth and heroin. She lives 2,500 miles from me so I don’t deal with her on a one on one basis, but only through phone calls and texts. The phone calls and texts are like being on a runaway roller coaster. She asks something and then when she gets what she asks for she becomes angry. She is not committed to taking her Zyprexa, choosing to skip it when she wants to “party”. It frustrates and stresses me to even talk to her because she becomes insulted if I don’t agree that it is okay for her to skip medicine, etc. she wants to visit me for a week and I honestly don’t think I can deal with it! But afraid that if I say no it will have even more of a negative effect on her. I am 71 and my husband is 75 and we are both fighting cancer. I have always been close with this granddaughter and feel guilty and selfish wanting to distance myself from her. If the voices told her to harm herself or her 3 children I would always wonder if my “rejection” of her was the reason. Her husband loves her very much and deals with his off-the- wall, stubborn, unfaithful and verbally abusive (to him) wife as best he can. He is a hard worker who doesn’t do any drugs and does all the housework, cooking, etc. after he works all day.

I have a 29yr old son that has schizophrenia, he is not on any medications, has been inpatient on several occasions. Lives at home with me and I feel stuck, trapped, and have not had any success trying to be him help. There is very limited assistance in my area. I am overwhelmed not being able to properly help him. Any suggestions

My son is 45 he has just lost his job he has a partner whom he does not live wth at least he did tell me he has been given notice I did say Ivwas sorry to hear that his partner has never tried to get medical help for him which I find very difficult to understand where do I go for now

What kind of place did your son stay in? I'm looking for a place for my daughter. She's 28, has always lives at home, and will not take her meds, is still hearing voices. Where can I go for help?

I have a 23yr old son who was diagnosed 4 years ago with paranoid schizophrenia. I am so exhausted I work full time and have two other children. I spend most of my time tending to my older son. He sometimes forgets to take his meds and cannot leave the house without having panic attacks. I am a single mom however I have been getting some help from my mom and Grandfather getting him to appointment and weekly labs while I’m at work. Despite several med changes and recalabrating dosing he still hears voices. My issue with him is that despite several attempts to get him into life skill programs he refuse to do the work. Lately several people on his dads side seem to have all the answers they want him to get a job and go back to school. I’m so frustrated because I have several conversations a day with my son about this he is fixated on it. I would love it if this was in his future. However right now for a person who can not leave the house or when he does has major anxiety. I am so exhausted and I really don’t know what to do. How do you tell people who have no idea what your child goes through or myself is going through to mind their business. I have to deal with his anxiety once they get him all excited about all the suggestions they make that he will never be able to do unless he gets over his anxiety and paranoia.

My son is 48 and didnt have any mental issues until he was 40. He had significant trauma that took him into this darkness. He never would have gotten help but because he lives with my husband and I he had no choice. He saw a psyciatrist who gave him many meds with meds on top of those to handle the side effects. He was suppose to get therapy but slipped through the cracks seeing her only 5 times in a four yr period. He continued getting worse. He diagnosed him with bipolar. This doctor just wasnt helping. Then while he was on vacation he saw a new doctor. He was god sent. He.friendly open and caring with great personality. He said you had no symptoms of any mental issues until 40 yrs old. My son said no. He said you had lots of bad trauma. He said yes again. The doctor said u have ptsd. Thats what i thought also. My son said about 20 yrs prio four guys broke into his house all had boots on and kicked him in the head very badly. Said also severe brain injury. We decided to follow this doctor. Took few months. No treatment and my son was getting manic and yelling and beat my husband badly. Was placed in mental hospital and wasvthere three and half weeks. Now more new meds. He stopped talking to us and never showered or kept his clothes or room clean. I found mildew iin glasses of milk and mold on his dishes. His room stunk. His grooming was none.We see the same doctor but cant seem to get the meds correct. He never sleeps and still rarely. He talks to voices and yells at voices and my husband and I now are 66 and we have our own issues. He has gained fifty plus pounds. Hes loud. He leaves doors open and our dog could get out. He never remembers anything. He smokes and almost burned our house down several times. We cant leave him alone for any lenght of time. I follow behind him constantly to clean up his room, dishes, etc. Never remembers. Used to help with chores. No more. Hes been hospitalized.several times and never helps. Hes in a guarded state now says last hospital and now schophrenic with psychotic features and auidtory hallucinations. It has killed our marriage. My husband not his biological dad. I even have to give him his meds. My doctors say its too much stress on my heath issues and now my husbands heart. We have to find him a place to go. My heart rips out just typing this. We cant hrlp him anymore we arent experts or doctors. We just love him so much that this isnt working and its time to get him serious help. I hope its possible. I so want him to be able to care for himself before i leave this world. He has no one. No brothers or sisters and no friends at all.I pray rach day for a miracle or help from some or somewhere. He used to own two homes. Had two beautiful kifs. My grandkids that we arent able to see because my son is sick. He was a people person who was a general sales mgr at a car dealership. No hes locked in his room afraid to even be in a social setting even with family He is someone we are afraid of and dont even know him. He needs help now. The Mental health association is really not able to help us at this stage though he gets his meds there monthly.

Hi,
I lost my immediate family to suicides (husband of 32 years, ten mths later my older son, then 22, in his delusions, shot, four strangers, murdering two.
Fout years ago, my remaining son had a psychotic break, and was diagnosed with schizophrenia paranoia. His delusions held me responsible for the suicides, and as a fallen archangel, revengee must be undertaken against me, with a silver bullet he was trying the cast himself.
Fast forward through 3 years of (unmedicated) hell. At last was able to persuade him to take meds, and he became ‘normal’!!!
I even convinced myself this past year, that yhey must have misdiagnosed him...
I am alone - as in - my son is the sole family that I have (my father, from Germany, had been my only family that I had , he passed in ‘81.
Not a single inlaw, from my late husband’s family will become involved.
I do have several friends who support me emotionally, but that’s it.
In Alaska, mental health care is vastly underfunded. My son lives in a waterless cabin, and I cannot handle him living with me - it doesn’t feel safe.
Not sure I can handle this second round of his illness- I became almost a wreck the last time.
He’s been off meds now for over 6 mths, and refuses to resume them - after all, he is not ill..
I want to move out of this harsch environment i have lived in all these years - I am over 60 now. And I am afraid if I sell my house and move, my son’s chances of healing drop to nill.
I don’t know how one can move a mentally ill person to another state and receive mental health care and housing assistance there.
Help