It feels like we stepped into a time machine and it's 2005 once again .  That was the last time Ben was admitted to the psych ward in this hospital. And now, we're back.  I've gone from stone-faced shock (Friday) to tears of helplessness and grief (Saturday), to a determination to enjoy Fathers' Day despite the fact that Ben can't be with us (today). And now, with all distractions gone, it's early in the morning and I can't sleep.  My head is spinning with all I must do tomorrow to try and bring Ben back to life again. If I can. Logic tells me that my control is limited at best: this is Ben's journey, these are Ben's decisions. He has somehow managed to stop taking his meds again, and now it's as if the past six years of success - college classes, increased responsibility, full participation in family, and finally employment - are all in jeopardy. But the mother in me is absolutely livid.

So far all my posts here have been from the parental point of view.  As you may know, I am the mother of a wonderful kid, now 29, who was unlucky enough to develop paranoid schizophrenia in his mid-teens (diagnosed at last by age 20).  My book Ben Behind His Voices, is told mostly the parental perspective - though writings from Ben himself as well as  from his sister, Ali, round out the story as best we can. The title of this blog, however, is Mental Illness in the Family - and so I don't want to leave out the experiences of siblings, spouses, and children.  This post is about - and for - you. I have taught NAMI's Family-to-Family course over a dozen times, as both teacher and trainer (guiding others to becomes teachers in Connecticut), and each time I am reminded that my experience as parent shares much with the other "relative groups" - but not all.