Blogs
I entered the damp basements of Alcoholics Anonymous many years ago, and found a new, immeasurably superior, way of life. I won’t belabor this point, and I certainly won’t try to sell it to you. But I will say it worked for me and continues to do so.
Everything about it surprised me, which was annoying, because I don’t like surprises; I’m the kind of person who likes to believe he has it all worked out, (especially when he doesn’t), which I suppose is part of the reason I ended up there in the first place.
One of the biggest surprises of all was the amount of humor. Indeed, the process of having your perspective adjusted almost always improves your sense of humor.
Flexibility is a main ingredient in countering anxiety
Anxiety usually wants us to think that we need something a certain way "or else." (Not that it tells us what the unsavory consequences are: Anxiety is always vague, never clear. This is how it holds it's power.)
So when things don't happen that certain way, darn it, that good-for-nothing Anxiety has us all up in arms. Tied in a knot. Fumbling and immobilized. Discombobulated.
If you have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), you’re no stranger to excessive feeling, acting and behaving.
Think of it this way: Living with PTSD, you are like a pitcher filled to the brim with water. As long as no one and no thing pours more water on the pitcher, it can stay at capacity and not overflow. You can hold yourself together, cope and manage if, not easily, at least often somewhat effectively.
When more water is added to the pitcher, however, what happens? That’s right! The liquid overflows and there’s just nothing you can do about it.
Today is my birthday, and it's left me in a somewhat reflective mood. For someone as young as I am, I've accomplished a lot. I've published a book about military desertion for reasons of conscience. I've won three awards for my writing. It's not bad for someone who hasn't yet hit 35.
But I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), and a Demanding Parent mode that says "not good enough".
For me, active addiction was a time fraught with risk. I repeatedly subjected myself to any number of dangerous situations. Whether it was driving under the influence, taking unknown substances, or mixing illicit drugs with pharmaceuticals, I was taking chances every time I could.
Treatment for bipolar can be a beast. You try medication after medication after therapy after cocktail after doctor and so on. It’s exhausting.
And at some point you stop. You just stop. Maybe some of your symptoms are controlled but not others. Maybe your symptoms are only partially controlled. Maybe you’re just too tired to fill another prescription. I understand, really. And this stopping can persist for weeks, months or even years.
But the thing is, if you change nothing, then nothing will ever change.
Do. Not. Apologize. For. Living. With. A. Mental Illness.
Remember that brand Nike and their slogan "Just Do It!" ? Well, "Don't Do It!" Instead, explain it.
"I've Met Someone New and Important, Shouldn't I explain?"
Loving someone with a mental illness can be painful and confusing. For every person with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, major depression, generalized anxiety disorder or PTSD, there will almost always be someone in their lives who loves them. And it’s fair to say that the loved one's suffering is as real and true as the person with the mental illness.
I know how hopeless and helpless you can feel if you live with an abusive person. Abusers suck the joy out of life - or at least they try very hard to make our lives miserable. If you're stuck living with abuse, I hope you are planning your escape. But sometimes it is close to impossible to leave now, so you've got to put up with your abuser's crap as best as you can. For many abused people, putting up with it feels like saying it is okay for your abuser to treat you that way. Sticking up for yourself backfires, being silent backfires...there seems no way to appease the abuser without compromising who you are.
It is very important that you find a way to maintain your integrity despite the abuse. But because Abuse seeks to destroy your integrity and turn you into a monster like it, the battle just to be you rages daily. Fighting the battle on your abuser's terms isn't going to work; besides, acting like them might make you think less of yourself. Think about what behaviors will make you feel good about you.
The idea of coping with abuse is increasing our feelings of empowerment and making our own decisions about how we act, what we think, and how we feel. Everyone wants to feel good about themselves, and you can feel better about yourself even if you live with a life-sucking abuser.
Is living independently the right goal for everyone? Whether or not you live with mental illness, I think the answer is: no. For some? Sure. For others? Disaster - or at least not the ultimate goal.
Dangers of Sudden Independence
One year ago my son Ben "graduated" rather suddenly - too suddenly - from his place in a group home with 24-hour supervision to his very own apartment. Within one month, we needed police intervention to remove him from that same apartment, where he had isolated himself in confusion and fear after missing his meds for a couple of days - and most likely cheeking them whenever he wasn't closely watched before that.
Why? Certainly the rug was pulled out from under him way too fast - whoosh! You now are expected to function without structure, community, or purpose. Good luck with that - but also, for Ben (who is a very social person, even with his schizophrenia), he was, well, lonely.
I believe she will only be able to rid herself of her demons, and hopefully her BPD as well, when she's ready to confront the abuse of her father. If she can put the blame where it belongs, she may stop projecting that victim/perpetrator cycle on the present men in her life. These demons are a metaphor for the purgatory she has created for herself. That reality has consequences in the real world, but it need not be real in the tangible sense. Exorcising her demons will require the expenditure of real physical energy and probably the destruction of aspects of her personality. If this ever happens, and it's possible but not probable, then these demons will evaporate. They are only as real as one's personality is real. In short, reality is not the question, it's what you make of the things you feel to be real.