Decreasing Dissociation in DID By Increasing Awareness

Hi Pam (and Holly and all others!),
I have been struggling with PTSD for around 10yrs at least and the whole thing has been like a huge blur. Time just flies by like i was in some kind of horrible dream where there was very little apart from fear, numbness and confusion. The more i thought i was becoming aware of the problem the more i would try to fight it and get even more wound up and anxious losing more time and basically missing out on life.
Recently i have found information very similar to what has been said here about actively becoming aware of my surroundings and my thoughts and feelings rather than trying to force my mind to be quiet or stop the dissociation - that simply makes it worse and you end up being more confused.
I found trying to start with the belief that i will be fine and will fully recover and that it wont be through some horrible exocrism type event! It is a natural type relaxation that your body does not forgot no matter how long you have had symptoms. Once you start with that thought (even if you only slightly belive it) just try to accept and be vaugely aware of all the weird feelings and thoughts that race around and then just go about your daily business (set yourself a few tasks to occupy you throughout the day). Check in with yourself occasionally and look back over the past few hours and try to get a sense of continuity and then move on.
A big thing for me is to not make too bigger point of anything. Just let it flow and just accept and be aware - dont try to fight it cause you dont need to.
It is honestly the only thing that has worked for me and it works a treat.
Not sure if i made much sense but wishing you and everyone all the best.
Also a big thank you to all that have contributed to this blog it is a shining light to a dark problem.
Ben

I wa diagnosed with did less than 6 months ago after hearing one of my parts on a recording, recovering a traumatic memory after 52 years. I have been struggling with acceptance of this diagnosis. Recently I've been dissociating more, losing things, losing time. Becoming more isolated out of fear of increased dissociation. I've been connecting the dots for months that confirms my diagnosis of did. I just kept searching for proof I could've been wrong. A week ago I dissociated and lost time and lost car keys. I have since then I've came to accept some truth in my did diagnosis. My husband and a family member told me I got in a truck with someone to get me to my husband as he watched ... I still have no memory of this. My last memory was witnessing an argument. I now believe that I lose time in dissociation but I'm now more afraid to leave my home alone. My Psychologist is an expert in did. She is very patient and has bought me a long way, always tells me I'm doing great work. I'm recovering memories without EMDR. I'm in a small group once a week for Sexual Trauma Awareness Response. Is there anyone out there who is still struggling to accept this diagnosis? Any helpful hints on decreasing anxiety, hypervigilance, hyper startle response and panic attacks without relying on medication.. No meds help anyway... I'm working with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm trying to stay grounded, I journal usually daily. I still seem to struggle with dissociation. Help!!!

I'm going to try regular exercise... and those practices seem like they could help... if you know of any other good techniques, I'd like to hear what you've found.

Thanks Holly. You are a very clear and concise writer. I have been able to quickly figure out that I experience dissociative amnesia when I am anxious, I am probably not DID, and increased mindfulness practice should help. Best wishes to you and your community here.

This put up has been of excellent support for me! Many thanks for putting up it! Could you incorporate me to your mailing listing so I will be acknowledged of the most recent news? My e-mail is Frenkel329@live.com !

Hi as a male with 8 alters 6 which are female life can really be out of balance.I have been in and out of therepy for 30yrs.Diagnosed in my early teens.Have come along ways but feel like im really against a wall now and really frustrated.I can not open up to anyone other than my wife who I know is loosing paitence and I cant blame her for that.It is really tough on us and our kids.Just when things seem to be getting better it cmes to a halt.Like falling into a deep dark hole with no ladder or rope to climb out.

Laurie,
Thanks Laurie for your reply and input from your own experiences with feeling forced during therapy sessions. In my daughter's case she was able,while inpatient resulting from these feelings, to email her outpatient therapist; twice, however, the emails were not mentioned. Emailing thoughts were acceptable in prior sessions, but for some reason it was not worked with at this very unstable time. Unfortunate to say the least. Another trust broken ... trust which is so hard to establish. In the therapist defence; our children's hospital does not allow outpatient therapist whom are not on their staff list to come on the inpatient unit to work therapy sessions. For effects sake I'll let you know I'm clenching my teeth here! Is that normal in the treatment you or anyone else is receiving in hospital? T
I'm going to take this opportunity to ask for support, from those working through and with DID, on the fact that my daughter is going to be turning 19. What this means, here in Nova Scotia, Canada, is that she will be entering the adult mental health system. She will now be changing her long term psychiatrsit from our children's hospital and transitioning to a new one in adult care. This may be good, as our children's hospital is not experienced in dealing with DID teens. Actually, this is probably true across the board! She will be keeping her Logosynthesis therapist, and long term stable. I am concerned however with this transition; as I know my daughter is also. Transition is hard.
I would love to be able to sit down with a group discussion! But thank God for people like our Holly who is so devoted to this blog; creating awareness! I can see there are not a lot of mom's with DID kids diagnosed. Addictions can mask this disorder in teens, plus they can be tossed from foster home to foster home without the proper advocating. Addictions were not and are not an issue with my daughter; plus she has been with me since I adopted her at age of four. She was one of the fortunate to be diagnosed and receive treatment. The treament road has been very rough - inpatient being the place most without knowledable. This has been very tough, but with strong advocating mom's we can make little steps towards changing the treatment available and the stigma within the mental health system itself for our children and in the future for everyone!
Sherry

Sherry
You make such a great point about force with respect to working with DID! I have progressed in leaps and bounds since the therapist I was working with recognized that any request she made of me (or any parts in my system) was perceived as something I must respond to or do as she suggested. In terror parts of my system would attempt to tell her what she asked or do what she suggested until she realized that I was unable to say no – none of my parts could say no I can’t say that or do that. Now she reminds me when there is any sign of distress or switching/dissociating and she points out what she just saw as she reminds me that it’s okay if we don’t answer her question or can’t talk about something or do something. Each time she tried to get us to dig a little deeper we had a PTSD-like reaction because we were terrified to refuse anything she asked of us.
Often times we might not talk directly to the issue raised in a session but after thought and internal discussion we were able to write about the issue and subsequently talk about it with the therapist after she had read what we had written. Taking the pressure off removed the automatic stress reaction- usually dissociation - that made it difficult to move toward an understanding of more distressing material.
So while it was my perception that I was being “forced” to respond it was not the therapist’s intention. When we began to discuss this more openly it became easier for the parts inside to refuse to answer something without fear of reprimand or negative impact on the relationship – we were terrified she’d decide she was done with us and we’d be left to solve this puzzle on our own (therapists with DID experience are hard to come by). Your points about force are good ones! Thanks!

Hi Holly,
It has been a long time since I responded to your blog …July 22,2010. Not that I have not been following, but with moving to a new location (closer to my daughter’s treatment providers; and away from a lot of “negatives”), it has been very busy and not just lots of transitioning for my daughter with DID, but for all us!
As a single mom with an adopted teenage daughter diagnosed with DID and PTSD from prior adoption abuse; I spend much time studying/analizing information, observing my daughter through dissociations, and just plain supporting her through the ups and downs of her healing. I have quite a few years of visual and auditory proof in supporting the knowledge that “awareness” is key; not force to decreasing dissociation. I use the word "force", as this is what the related feeling can be when pressured to do or comply to something we feel is wrong, we are unsure about, or lacking knowledge about.
I have watched the results after listening to what should be great therapists, try to force my daughter's dissociative episodes to stop while in their office. I have seen my daughter suffer the aftermath of full blown episodes (remember she has high level PSTD), with what I believe is from lack of educating her throughly with awareness and chosing to use force instead. I truely believe if therapists would educate their patients with more awarenes; (and this needs to be done on an educational level that suits all ages; as parts can be very young, thus incapable of absorbing to much “talk’) they would not only build the trust they are so striving for, but also better support their patient’s healing.
My daughter now uses “Logosynthesis” treatment which really helps her to focus and become aware of her reactions to feelings and their triggers. Through this treatment a way to release the negative energy and gain back the positive is carried out . To gain control of “self” is attained by becomingmore aware. This therapist, though she may not be a “specialist” with treating DID, has been involved with my daughter’s treatment since initial inpatient stays starting 4 years ago. She has always worked with encouraging awareness; never force. In addition to this treatment she is also seen regularly by her long time psychiatrist monthly.
Since taking this journey of self awareness without force; my daughter is now back in a small private school (I homeschooled with her through the highly unstable years)and getting on with a life that had seen her prior teen years controlled by her past. I am proud of my daughter and her decision, at eighteen, that after becoming aware herself she was feeling forced with her main therapist and unsafe, to end these sessions. Although this scared me for what would happen; it was more important to support her decision and her feelings. This was not a quick decision; but one given much consideration and discussion. But one thing I knew was as an experienced mother a lot more responsibility is claimed if the child is aware of "why" and "what" they are suppose to be responsible for.
In closing I would like to add this quote that I love … “All things in nature are accomplished, but nothing is forced”. Force is what brought on DID in the first place … how could anyone think it could help it heal?
Sherry

Holly,
All of those strategies have worked for me as part of a bigger process.
It wasn’t until I learned how it feels when I’m dissociating that I saw much progress. So for example, I began learning early into my treatment that there were some physical changes or responses that took place when I dissociated. The first thing I noticed was that my vision changed when I dissociated. When different parts switched in and out of control, my ability to see with my glasses changed. Some of my parts needed my bifocals for reading, some needed them for distance vision and some needed no glasses at all! The therapist is very body focused in her orientation and she encouraged me to identify how my body felt, to pay attention to changes in physical experiences such as pains, vision, headaches, coordination, awareness that things should burn or be cold or hurt but they weren’t, changes in my posture – one part sits tall, the younger parts slouch when seated, one vibrates one leg when seated – you get the picture. Once I learned to be aware (and stopped fighting being aware) of these subtle changes I became more aware of the dissociation. At the time I had no idea what part owned which physical characteristics. I learned something triggered the part that was out to either step back or be forced back.
The next challenge was to figure out what the trigger was that caused the switch.
So for example, I could be interacting with my colleagues at work and suddenly I’d have trouble visually focusing on the person I was speaking to. The first challenge was to recognize the vision had changed then the next was to try and sort out what was going on that caused the dissociation and switching.
At first it was slow methodical work. Often times I’d write what took place in detail in my journal and then the therapist and I would talk about the experience to try and understand what the trigger was. Understanding the trigger helped me to learn more about the parts, helping me to hear them and listen to their issues. As I learned to listen to their issues, the therapist, I, and the system worked to resolve some of those issues – that’s the hard part.
I’m well into the process and still have a few parts – hard core parts – that continue to need chipping away at their issues. These parts will cause me to loose time, feel sick, make me essentially dysfunctional when they feel threatened or feel the system is threatened. When that happens I’ve become better at CHOOSING to dissociate and place a part, that’s better suited to a situation, in place to control things until a more appropriate time to deal with the upset part is available. Initially this kind of choosing took a lot of negotiating with all parts to facilitate the change. Sometimes I still need to be reminded by the therapist to do these things.
All of the things you mention are part of this process. For me focusing on how dissociation feels, what part owns the various feelings and characteristics, and what triggered the part to be active seems to have facilitated the healing process.

thank you for this, it is very helpful!