PTSD and Thoughts of Suicide: How To Cope With Dark Moments

I feel bad for you. There are people who care and care a lot about your struggles. We want to see each other happy. Life is difficult after loss. I am still studying the topography to find my way as well. Stay strong.

I was repeatedly rape by my stepfather from 6-12 years of age.
My mother new what was going on and did nothing when I went to her she beat me so bad she then locked me in a cabnet in the basement until I healed most of the time a few days once for 9 days I was not let out for any reason so I sat in my own waste I was given water 1 cup every other day, between this and the years that my stepfather rape me I 40 years later I think at lease once a day that I want to end my pain I live but my soul was murdered 40 years ago.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? You believe in me. My body's entirely and painfully broken, my doctor just told me that no one but cancer patients will soon be prescribed pain medication and (mind you I am a professional nurse so this is a TRUE pain scale measurement) my daily pain is at a 7 and spikes to jolting electric 8-9 all the way throughout my spine. My brain MRI looks like Swiss Cheese, I have MS, CFIDS/Fibromyaliga, Spondylosis and multisystem autoimmune disease, all service related due to toxins, including Agent Orange and VX, Sarin and Mustard gas I and thousands of other military veterans were exposed to at Ft. McClellan, AL, and I was also repeatedly and brutally gang raped while in the Army, for which those responsible rec'd NO punishment even after I LITERALLY risked my life to report them. I have lost my wonderful career as a NICU RN, my sons have lost their college education, I have been homeless, my friends have long since grown tired of my "inability to show up" for planned events and deserted me and within the past five years both my parents died and and my younger brother too (who did commit suicide, allegedly, after an abusive marriage--yes, it happens to men too, and no our parents were not abusive in any way--they were upper middle class professionals who raised us well to contribute to society, which we did). To top things off I was nearly killed by an anesthesiologist by a massive overdose of medication. There's more, but I've already far surpassed anyone's attention span. The worse thing is, I am STILL treated like a "med seeker" when I say I'm in pain BECAUSE I tried at one time to avoid narcotics and REQUESTED to try Subutex, which is just Butrans in a dosage that actually treats pain! ...little did I know I was labeling myself an addict for the rest of my life for NOT taking narcotics! Doctors are too lazy to just LOOK at my medical/pharmacy record, but it's FINE for them to use my spine, neck to sacrum, as a pin cushion. Why is it again I should stay alive? I contribute nothing and one of my sons has already lost his job because he has to help me move around. I'd be doing everyone a favor.

It's very hard to come out of those times though...I tend to drink when it all is too much and this helps to numb everything at the time...but then at the same time I then take medication to end it all because it seems to be the only way out. Unfortunately I have lived through five overdoses and even though I am in therapy I still feel the same way and am wishing for a better way to go each day.

thank you so much for the helpful insight. I suffer from PTSD as a result of childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse and my late husband committed suicide so in my pain I have made several attempts to end my own life. Thank you again.