Gaslighting: Emotional Abuse & Manipulation

I have had it with gaslighters. I am facing it from all sides. My father is an authoritarian gaslighter, and of course I got into a relationship with one as well. Growing up, my father lacked interest in my life. I lived with my father as a teen, and he was never home, effectively throwing parental responsibility to the wind. I always fought him on it and he found me to be a nuisance. There was never food in the house. I often stayed overnight at the homes of my friends. Whenever I confronted him, he would tell me I was messed up, too emotional and a loser. Then he would leave. It went on like this until he remarried. But it became worse. His wife was insecure about my existence. Dad always came to me, telling me what my stepmother didn't like about me, and what I had to change. I was always 'too emotional'. This was always the foundation and he found comfort in this wife who always interfered. In adulthood I gave up. Everyone kisses his ass because there is money to inherit. That was always the weapon. The message has always been to shut up and flatter him or be disinherited. I kept fighting, but anytime anything came up, again, I was told I'm too sensitive and I'm a screw up. I went low to no contact. Anytime I got together with him I had to brace myself for the next episode of being discredited. All I wanted was a normal dad who was interested and protective. Fast forward. We live in the same town. He has his 'new' life with his picture perfect (awful) wife and her kids. Family photos look like a Martha Stewart catalog of perfection. Except I'm blatantly out of the picture. I don't want to be in that fake picture, but it still hurts. I got a boyfriend and for a while it was good and I moved in. But inevitably with both of us tending to drink, eventually the cracks were exposed. When he drinks and gets angry, it's emotional and verbal abuse galore. It started slowly, band then he exhibited some unacceptable behavior. It escalated recently to an alarming level. I pretty much stopped drinking and enabling him. I walk on eggshells. I want to prevent it from getting worse. I have a therapist. I educated myself about alcoholism, narcissism and abuse. My boyfriend is a gaslighter. He says horrible things when his guard is down. I reached out to friends first. They were supportive. They told me to save myself and get out but financially I am stuck. I want to move to another place where I was happier. Where I used to live, where I have a sister. She says to get out. I finally told my father. But of course, he quickly minimized my situation. I had not been physically abused so he was relieved. Once that was clear, he began to discredit my story. He went on the narrative that I must be doing something to anger my boyfriend. He told me my emotions were getting in the way. He told me to call the police if it got bad. He was disappointed I didn't have precise an action plan, even though I was confused, desperate and breaking down. He passively seemed to enjoy my frustration. A day later he texted me. He said it seemed I was having a bad day. At that point, aware of the gaslighting, I kind of flipped. I told him he was minimizing something dangerous and he wasn't taking me seriously. But he was also not used to me being assertive. He responded back saying he wanted to respond to my assertiveness. He was not going to be told by me that he wasn't being helpful. Anyway, I told him I'll talk if we are communicating but the gaslighting must stop and that I reached out because it was serious. So now, if I indeed talk to him, I'm anticipating the ways that he will try and shut me down. All I want is a dad to care. But not with him. I feel so frustrated and alone. He just can't face that he can help in many ways. He is angry that I stood my ground. It will always be a power struggle. And I'm still with my boyfriend, trying to figure out how to get out. There seems like no way to go.

Hi Emily. I am a 31 year old male. My Fiancée is a 27 old female who I think may be gaslighting. I have been reading up on different things trying to find out if it is me who is overreacting. To be honest gaslighting seems to be along the lines of what is going on in our relationship. We have been in a relationship for just over 3 years. I love my fiancée and would do anything for her. Everyday is different with her though. Sometimes she is wonderful to be with and other days I am afraid of my life to say the wrong thing. She has made me give up every single one of my friends saying that they are bad news and all they’ve ever done is put me down. I blocked them out of my life almost a year ago and changed my number not long after I decided to move in with my then girlfriend. I had a great friendship with them but my girlfriend got me to believe they were trying to break us up. I know in my mind and heart now that they were just trying to help me get out of a bullying relationship. It’s been almost a year and I’m seriously lost without my friends who will never speak to me again and to be honest I wouldn’t blame them. At the moment we are renting and saving to get a mortgage. This comes from her feeling my mind with positivities and that we’ll have a great life together and that I she can’t wait to finally buy a house and settle down and have a couple of kids together. She knows that I want this as much as her but recently a couple of my family members have texted me and asked why I’ve been so distant and my parents ask why I hardly call to see them anymore. The answer is every time I’ve asked my partner to come to visit my family she has a plan to either go see her parents that weekend (who live a 3 hour drive away) and so I ask what if we call to my parents midweek. Her answer being “well I’m working and I’ll be tired after work” I say well how about we call to them on this date and she will either say no or ok and when the time comes she will pull a sick day or a come up with an excuse. If I call to them on my own she says that I’ve been out there talking about her or something negative will come of it. She constantly says negative things about my family especially my sister and has made it clear she doesn’t like my sister in law because she was good friends with my ex, who at one stage was a good friend of mine also, but unfortunately I’ve been forced to back away from. Last but not least.... Due to our saving for a mortgage together we’ve set up a joint account with the bank (Her Idea). I am not suppose to spend money without her knowing and agreeing to it first. I have a full time job and she does also so we’re both earning. I can’t so much as buy a coffee without her questioning me as to why I’ve used money. This then leads to a massive argument and me being completely put down. If I threaten to leave she takes my phone and car keys from me as they are ours now as she is paying for them too now... She has slapped me on 3 occasions now. Due to all of this, some nights I don’t sleep and I am very emotional at times. Please Help as I don’t know who I am anymore or who I’m in a relationship with??

Great job EM it's crazy I dated someone not too long ago where Gas lighting as you say was his go to . I will never forget We had this great night of bonding and watching movies and out of no where an argument insued about my religion how his parents wouldn't accept me because I am Jewish and if we got married how would we raise our kids I got upset and said I accept you just the way you are and I hope that you and your parents would return that acceptance I said my religion isn't his concern and maybe we should talk later when I am not so shocked and hurt . I had called him later that day and said if we did get married for our kids we would raise them all the same religion , he replied woah what makes you think I would want to marry you . I was in shock and felt baffled was I stupid for thinking that ? what was that whole argument about ? ..... Feeling pretty stupid I just dismissed the whole argument but it was the same song and dance the kept me feeling bewildered and dumbfounded . It came to a head I did not leave my abusive ex for this ..... granted its not physical abuse but a form of abusive nonetheless a more intelligent discreet way and I was not going to accept it a minute more and I deleted him from my life.

When I realized my husband was using gas lighting techniques, after approximately 2 yrs of marriage, I left home, with just the cloths on my back. I felt my sanity was at stake. I experienced the anxiety, sleepless nights, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality, and realized I had to leave. I'm seeking a divorce but he's making it difficult for it to happen. I've tried to go NO CONTACT to avoid being sucked back in to this devastating behavior. But, thus hasn't been easy, due to owning a car dealership, however, I use limited contact, as much as possible.

When I realized my husband was highlighting me, it was devastating! We owned a car dealership, but after experiencing the anxiety, sleepless nights, stress, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality I literally ran away from home. Left him, the business and everything else. This has caused a big problem for me, but I felt it necessary for my sanity. We were only married for approximately 2 years. I left on October 17, 2016, and haven't and don't plan to go back. I'm seeking divorce, but it had been an arduous process. Since leaving him, he's committed some fraudulent biz practices, that has caused some problems. I am the primary person (owner) of the business and because of that our floorplan is coming after me for the money he spent in lieu of paying them. I'm faced with a law suit in the amount of $125K. I know that I will need to secure a lawyer, but I don't have the money to do so. My husband is not cooperative neither is he willing to pay the money back. However, I'm glad that I got out of the relationship, with my right mind. Right now, I'm seeing a therapist, just to help me move forward, and reclaim my life. I'm 65 and my husband is 57. He is a great manipulator, and liar and I just want to go on with my life. It's there any advice or help you can give me?

How do you even know how to get out of this situation? Always lost, scared, feeling stupid, like I'm making the whole thing up ...

Reading this article gave me insight on what I've been going through at work. People talking in code around me. Making me look like I'm crazy. When I went to the next level. The word was out who was the informant. Which caused a hostile work environment and vandolised to my vehicle. This was taken to the next level and then investigated. I was told I was hearing things and nobody heard or seen nothing. It was all in my head. Even after I have logged everything that happened. Employer closed case.

Hi Emily,
Great article! I wish I had known about gaslighting when I was dating my ex, as you've basically described every interaction we ever had. I remember thinking that I couldn't tell which thoughts were mine and which were his. I would wake up in the night having panic attacks because I couldn't remember who I was. The constant diverting and blaming and avoidance really does make you crazy. Thank you for your insight :)
Emma x

Great article. Makes me feel a little saner seeing that this is ”a thing”.