SAD, Schizoaffective Disorder, and the COVID Pandemic

I wasn’t going to write another article about my seasonal affective disorder (SAD) but, compounded with my schizoaffective disorder, my generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and with COVID, it’s been brutal this year.

Seasonal Affective Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder

I experience SAD symptoms in winter, especially after Christmas, and in the summer when the temperatures sizzle above 90 degrees. Still, SAD is usually associated with winter, and that’s what I’m writing about here.

I’ve been thinking all sorts of nasty things about myself this winter. One kind of funny thought is that I look like Paulie from the movie Goodfellas. (In case you haven’t seen the movie, Paulie’s an older, overweight man.)

What isn’t so funny is that I’ve been calling myself mean names when I make a mistake. Last week, I pulled on the shower curtain a bit too hard, and the shower curtain rod came toppling down. I didn’t hear schizoaffective voices, but a voice in my head called me stupid and incompetent. Never mind that we have a really crappy shower curtain rod that shouldn’t fall just because you pull the curtain.

Another time, I criticized myself when I was in the car with my mom and I didn’t know how to direct her to a restaurant I’d been to a million times. This voice in my head is so prevalent that my dad named it “Bad News Betsy.” Ms. Betsy told me once again that I was stupid and that I couldn’t get anything right. I was afraid that the next time I experienced the schizoaffective symptom of hearing voices, Bad News Betsy would be putting me down, but luckily, the most recent time I heard voices, Betsy didn’t come along.

Seasonal Affective Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder Make Me Think I’m Not Brave

Tonight, SAD is making me think that I’m not brave. It is true that I’m afraid of a lot of things, but I try my best to face my fears. It’s just that, because of the time of year, my schizoaffective disorder and generalized anxiety are worse so it’s harder to face my fears. And I’m afraid of the silliest things. I’ve written about how I’m afraid to wash my hair. I’m also often afraid to go outside because I’m afraid of not being able to socially distance myself from someone who may come along, even though I always wear a mask. So, on top of everything else, I’m cooped up inside. And it’s because of my own fear (see: not brave).

I’m taking a lot of the vitamin supplements recommended by my doctor to fight winter SAD. My husband Tom pointed out that walking past people outside is no different than walking past them in the grocery store, where I pass them unafraid. Right now, if I were to socially distance from people on a walk outside, I’d have to slog knee-deep in the snow.

I wrote in my diary, over and over again,

"Get through March, get through March.”

I’m writing this in February, but I know that things get easier by the end of March. And maybe a vaccine will be available to my age group soon. But for now, I am juggling COVID, schizoaffective anxiety, and SAD. Wish me luck.

(For more information about SAD, see here.)