Good Sex is Not Just for New Lovers

how to have good sex

"Are you interested in oral sex?" That's the question marriage therapist Patricia Love asked a couple complaining of a lack of interest in sex one day. He shook his head no. She nodded yes.

Said he, with astonished delight, "You told me you wouldn't do oral sex!"

"That was seven years ago," she responded. "I've changed my mind since then."

Breakthrough. All because the wife was willing to heed two words of advice that Love often offers to couples seeking to improve their sex lives: "Eat crow."

Breakthrough. All because the wife was willing to heed two words of advice that Love often offers to couples seeking to improve their sex lives: "Eat crow."

In fact, Love offers thousands of words of advice in her influential book Hot Monogamy, an extensive guide for monogamous couples wishing to enjoy a passionate sex life. "The brain is the biggest sex organ," observes Love, whose advice centers on knowledge and communication.

All of us can feel when the thrill is gone, for example, but few of us know that this is a simple matter of biology. As Love explains, "It is nature's design for folks to have a spurt of sexual energy at first. Then, when sexual interest fades, we often believe we're not in love anymore."

A couple is even more likely to reach this possibly erroneous conclusion if there is a significant gap in their natural levels of sexual desire. Half of the population has a naturally low libido, the result of lower levels of sex hormones, Love says. This nugget of information can be liberating. "You've just lifted 40 years of guilt from my shoulders!" one woman told Love.

Hot Monogamy prescribes various means of overcoming "the desire discrepancy," including the use of quickies. ("Just five minutes that make everyone feel better.") Love advises both partners to view sex as a gift and to learn to become experts in each other's arousal - an overarching objective that her book furthers with exercises designed to foster uninhibited communication about sex.

The reward for such frank talk can be what Love calls "vintage sex," a blissful communion combining sexual arousal with emotional intimacy. "These are not the so-called beautiful people, but the sort of folks you see at the mall, people who have been together a long time and are really comfortable with each other."

In other words, folks who prove that where sex is concerned, knowledge is indeed power.

How to attain hot monogamy:

• E-mailing your sexual desires to your partner can help overcome your inhibitions.
• Expressing your fantasies can help ensure that your partner will not feel judged.
• A good way to start a sexual discussion is with an apology, such as, "I know I pout when we don't have sex."
• Recognize that a good sex life doesn't just happen but requires lots of communication.
• When your lover does something right during sex, let her know.
• Dress to make yourself feel attractive, especially if you have a negative body image.
• Masturbation can help address an imbalance in sex drive.
• Set aside time for sex, and make the bedroom a sanctuary.

next: Sex Tips For Men: On Being Good In Bed