It's that time of night!

Time for me to think. At night. That's what I do. Normally, this gets me into trouble but lately, I think it has been doing me more good than harm, which is kinda unusual for me. I just finished playing Resident Evil 4 on my brother's Wii. I could have kept on playing but he had to go to bed so, I reluctantly got off. Tomorrow, I have to call my psychiatrist to reschedule (bc of the snow today) and then therapy with the best therapist in the world at noon. For the sake of privacy, I refer to my therapist as "CJ"...clearing that one up now.

Things with school are so complicated. To take a medical leave, or not to take a medical leave, that is the question! Nobody is sure if I should take the leave because I may not be able to work at my job at school bc it may be "college policy" but at the same time, I don't know if it's a good idea to take incompletes. I have to hear what the state says because they may not allow me to take a leave because of money issues and then my advisors have to fight for me and have the school send the state the money back and all of this other good stuff. Forunately, Dr. G and Ashley are the two best people in the world at MCC. I honestly don't know how (or sometimes why) they put up with me. I guess they really are getting paid enough...somewhat, lol.

There was a point to this entry but I can't remember it to save the life of me. Well, anyway, tomorrow sounds like it's going to be the "big day". It's the day that I tell CJ about what happened in Wildwood...details about the rape. I'm not sure what I'm scared of more--verbalizing it or dissociating. A part of me is afraid that if I dissociate then I'm not going to come back, I'll just stay in my head forever and it's not like I go any place nice. I either go back to the abuse with my father or Wildwood. In some way, shape or form, I think I "leave" because the feelings of feeling unsafe takes over me and reminds me of all of the times when I felt that way and then I end up seeing it in my head. It's then hard for me to tell the difference between what's going on in my head and where I am in reality. Therefore, if I can't tell the difference then there's NOOO WAY that I can "come back". So, how do I come back?? The answer: I must feel safe. How do I accomplish this? Well, CJ knows what I need and what helps me--being held tightly, with a blanket, holding a hand, deep breathing, talking, music, those sort of things. She actually had to come to my house one night because things got so bad. I was in and out for two hours...almost went to the hospital but ended up proving to her and myself that I was okay enough to sleep through the night and wake up tomorrow.

A part of me feels so strange and out of touch with things; I feel like I'm in high school all over again and all of the drama with treatment centers is back. PHP and IOP is not a way a living. I know this. I also know that for right now, it needs to be a part of the way I live because otherwise, I don't think I'll be able to go on that much longer. No, I don't mean in a suicidal way, I just mean in more of a "sane" way, if there even is such a thing as "sane". I always think of that movie, Girl, Interupted. I really need to buy the book. I was going to and then it was like $20 and I was like HELL no! There's like nothing TO the book-it seemed small. My fav books are CUT, Running With Scissors, Twilight, SPEAK, anything by Maya Angelou and anything by Ellen Hopkins-Impulse, Crank, Glass, IDENTICAL, ect.

Speaking of Dr. Maya Angelou, I actually was fortunate enough to get to see her down at Brookdale Community College Wednesday night with my friend, Jessica. We had the BEST time. Maya was sooooooooo amazing and Jess and I couldn't stop saying it over and over again. I learned so much from her while she spoke for about an hour. I just wish that she would have signed books but then again, the event was sold out and she IS 80, God bless her, so, I totally could understand why she doesn't. She talked about people being a 'rainbow in her cloud' and how community colleges have the most motivated students that she has ever seen and to always be yourself, and last but not least, my favorite: "You must liberate yourself before you can liberate others." That, my dear friends, is the sentence that I will leave you all with tonight.

<3Christina