Racing thoughts....no, a whirlwind of thoughts.

As of right now, I'll need to be at work in six hours. I should be asleep right now, but I can't. From past experiences, taking meds at this hour with few hours of sleep to be had before going to work is equivalent to sleeping in. It seems better than going to work anxious and sleep deprived or, even worse, falling asleep late and sleeping through my shift. But this is the reaction my mind is having to events that transpired earlier today, which is making me question my grasp of reality. The events themselves aren't important enough to mention in detail, at least in my mind (pun intend), compared to my reactions and how it lead to me typing this blog entry at 1am. My day started with going to a public clinic for my therapy and psychiatry appointments, hanging out with two friends I haven't seen in a while (one of which I previously had a falling out with), helping out my parents and getting ready for work. The psychiatry appointment was a waste of time. Though I like that my psychiatrist is blunt with his honesty, it seemed today that what I had to say was more a nuisance than anything remotely significant. I meet up with both friends after, which I was really looking forward to. The friend I had the fall out with seemed as shady as before and, even though I wanted to feel confident in him as a friend, he just brought down my mood. On the drive to my parents place, I repeatedly (over)analyzed his behavior and things he said....slowly, my paranoia grew. At my parents' place , I was agitated and grumpy. I didn't lash out at them but I did question their reasoning behind the cleaning to be done and mentioned it to them. The problem with all this, what frustrates me sooo much, is that everything that happened was not a big deal, assuming I wasn't being paranoid about anything I mentioned above, with the exception of my psychiatrist (that's a different subject in itself). So my so-called friend wanted to mess with my mind. So my parents felt they had to ham up a reason for house cleaning when the truth would have sufficed. But my paranoia affects my judgment of people very negatively. Since I am a simple minded person to begin with, nuance isn't my strong point. A lot of subtle hints, mainly in conversation, that seem incredibly obvious to 99.9% of people fly right over my head. Sometimes, as if my subconscious gets fed up with my conscious mind not picking up on it, will thrust it into my consciousness with strong negative emotions attached. The feeling of not being able to have any control on a vulnerability so huge and/or the acceptance of my own problems and insecurities scares me to the point of conforming to the fear. With it brings chains upon chains that weaken and slowly squeeze away my live. This entry probably has gaps of essential details that may make this hard to follow, but I'm too exhausted to edit this. The bottom line is that I'm lost in my issues. I want/need to manage my head and take my life back without depending on meds and therapy. I just don't know how.