My sign it was time to end an engagement to an abusive man was, well, a sign. Literally. I didn't expect to fall in love and become engaged to an abuser, but I think my borderline personality disorder (BPD), as well as his BPD and bipolar diagnosis, played a role in the abuse. I was afraid of being abandoned almost as much as I was afraid of provoking him. I believed his insults and my abuser's promises to change. I thought I was the abusive one. (Read: How Did You Brainwash Me?) That is, up until I saw the sign that said "Taking my money is abuse. Stop it."

I live in an apartment complex for adults with severe mental illness--too healthy for a group home, too sick for independent living. This makes dealing with my neighbors difficult. Today, I had to deal with a neighbor I suspect has both BPD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

The recent murder-suicide involving Kansas City Chiefs linebacker, Jovan Belcher, calls attention to the issue of domestic violence. While it is unclear if Belcher was an abuser, recent reports indicate that he and girlfriend, Kasandra Perkins, were in counseling for relationship issues. So it makes domestic violence a reasonable topic for discussion. I've noticed that mental illness is often a factor in domestic violence.

Codependency, like addiction, is a serious problem that can affect many people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Codependency is a behavioral and psychological condition in which a person sacrifices his/her own wants and needs in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. It is also called "relationship addiction." Codependency is probably due to the intense fear and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment common in BPD.

In order to set boundaries, we have to believe we are worth having boundaries. We must believe that we have the right not to be violated. We must have the self-esteem to say no.

Even a bad decision has its usefulness! More Than Borderline's Becky Oberg talks about how bad decisions give us the experience to make good decisions.

You know how you sometimes have nightmares about monsters? Something like that happens to me. You know how the monsters lie to you? They lie to me, too, and sometimes I believe them. Sometimes I think that if I hurt myself, the monsters will leave me alone. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, but every time I hurt myself things get worse. I go to treatment--usually outside the hospital, but sometimes inside--to make sure the monsters don't win.

You may feel you have to compromise your deepest held beliefs in order to feel accepted. It is important to remember that if you aren't accepted as you are, you aren't really accepted. If you can't be yourself, you aren't really loved. Is that worth the cost? Is sacrificing your identity for people who want you to be someone else worth it?

Wanting to be in a romantic relationship is normal. But borderline personality disorder (BPD) can add difficulties and frustration to an already complicated situation. More Than Borderline's, Becky Oberg, offers advice on how to know if you're ready. Watch this video on borderline personality disorder and relationships.

I know of a lawsuit I would have paid a month's wages to watch Judge Judy handle. When I was a child, a student brought either cocaine or heroin to her elite private school. She was caught and expelled. However, the school had no written rules, which meant there was no formal drug policy. She sued, claiming she didn't know she couldn't bring drugs. To my knowledge, borderline personality disorder (BPD) was not a factor. However, this frivolous lawsuit is a perfect example of an attempt to avoid personal responsibility--one of the complications of BPD.