These organizations offer a wide range of information and services related to children, adolescents and adults with attention deficit disorder also known as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

Attention Deficit Information Network (Ad-IN)
475 Hillside Avenue
Needham, MA 02194
(617) 455-9895

Provides up-to-date information on current research and regional meetings. Offers aid in finding solutions to practical problems faced by adults and children with an attention disorder.

Center for Mental Health Services
Office of Consumer, Family, and Public Information
5600 Fishers Lane, Room 15-105
Rockville, MD 20857
(301) 443-2792

This national center, a component of the U.S. Public Health Service, provides a range of information on mental health, treatment, and support services.

Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorders (CH.A.D.D.)
499 NW 70th Avenue, Suite 109
Plantation, FL 33317
(305) 587-3700 (800) 233-4050

A major advocate and key information source for people dealing with attention disorders. Sponsors support groups and publishes two newsletter concerning attention disorders for parents and professionals.

Learning Disabilities Association of America
4156 Library Road
Pittsburgh, PA 15234
(412) 341-8077

Provides information and referral to state chapters, parent resources, and local support groups. Publishes news briefs and a professional journal.

National Center for Learning Disabilities
99 Park Avenue, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10016
(212) 687-7211

Provides referrals and resources. Publishes Their World magazine describing true stories on ways children and adults cope with LD.

National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities (NICHCY)
P.O. Box 1492
Washington, DC 20013
(800) 729-6686

Publishes free, fact-filled newsletters. Arranges workshops. Advises parents on the laws entitling children with disabilities to special education and other services.

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Many parents of ADD-ADHD children, at least at first, aren't sure what to do. Dr. Phil and Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of The ADD Answer, provide some helpful suggestions.

In the United States, 17 million children are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, and oftentimes it is accompanied by hyperactivity. Dr. Phil and Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of The ADD Answer, offer advice for parents whose children are diagnosed with ADD-ADHD.

Educate yourself about ADD.

In his book, Dr. Lawlis explains that an ADD diagnosis is not a sign of inferior intelligence or a handicap. It does not result in a damaged personality, criminal tendencies, or immoral behavior. ADD is not necessarily a learning disability or a mark of mental immaturity, although such conditions can coexist with ADD. Much of the time, the problems of ADD are related to the brain performing at lowered, subdued ranges.

Obtain a proper diagnosis.

Many times, parents are quick to make evaluations of their children's unruly behavior. "I always look for other reasons, other causation, whenever I see behavior spinning out of control," Dr. Phil explains. The symptoms a child exhibits may be caused by factors such as divorce, death of a parent, or a change in school and living situation.

There are at least two well-documented ways to determine if your child has a neurologically based disorder of ADD or ADHD: a spectrogram or an EEG can identify specific patterns in certain parts of your child's brain.

Examine your parenting style.

Is the child more difficult with one parent than with the other? It could be that your parenting style is contributing to the problem. Parents need to have a unified front that they both can stand behind and enforce. You must support one another in your actions and discipline. Look at ways that you can change your child's environment, including avoiding fights in front of the kids or reacting to your child differently.

Don't feel guilty about disciplining your child.

Dr. Phil tells one mom whose child suffers from ADHD: "You have to be willing to visit the structure. You have to be willing to bring the predictability, the consistency and the discipline. It's not something you should feel guilty about; you should feel guilty if you don't do it because he needs the structure. He needs the guidance. He needs the order. He needs the rhythm. He needs all of the things that are necessary to give him a chance to have a flow to his life."

Know all the facts before giving your child medication to treat ADD.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Lawlis both agree that we are overmedicating our children. In his book, The ADD Answer, Dr. Lawlis asks, "Are we using drugs to control our children's behavior instead of being responsible parents? When we teach our children at a young age to rely on medications, I fear that we are in danger of creating a generation of pill poppers as a result." Also, medication is only about 50 percent effective, and it decreases in effectiveness from the day your child starts taking them.

Dr. Phil clarifies his views about medication for ADD: "If it's working for you and your children against a backdrop of responsible parenting, then good for you and you shouldn't substitute my judgment or anyone else's for your own."

Monitor your child's diet.

"The brain doesn't necessarily use all the foods we give it in the best way, and actually the rawer the food, the more natural the food, the easier it is for the brain to metabolize it and use it for its use. So when you create a food that's not natural, that's been fried or created with a great deal of heat, it just doesn't work as well," Dr. Lawlis explains.

Consider alternative options.

Children can learn to control their brain activity to the point that it can affect their ADD or ADHD. The symptoms of ADD can be controlled through Biofeedback, computer images and sounds that show what's going on in the brain. (Dr. Lawlis devotes a whole chapter to this in his book, The ADD Answer).

This approach is not an absolute cure for every aspect of ADD. However, it has worked well in helping children learn to control disruptive racing thoughts and impulsive behaviors that impair the ability to focus and concentrate. It offers therapies that help ADD children learn to control basic other reactions, such as heart rate and cardiovascular activity.

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A Primer on Depression and Bipolar Disorder

A. Why This Pamphlet?

Perhaps the most common reaction people have to mental illness in general, or to depression/bipolar disorder in particular, is to ask ``Why in the world would anyone want to discuss such an unpleasant subject?'' This perhaps along with an (unspoken) intimation that the subject is also in rather bad taste. The answer to this question is long and complicated; indeed it is the subject of the entire essay. Yet there are a few basic points that need to be made from the outset. First, mental illness of varying degrees of severity affects many people. The estimates differ a good good deal from one source to another, partly because the criteria used in different surveys differ from another. But it is clear that something like 3% of the population of the United States (i.e. roughly 7.5 million people) suffer from chronic depression or bipolar disorder. A similar number suffer from chronic schizophrenia. And another 1% or so suffer from various other mental disorders (e.g. obsessive-compulsive disorder, dementia, ...). These are the people who have chronic mental illness (CMI), the ones who must (and whose families must) struggle with the illness day-by-day, year-by-year, perhaps for a lifetime. Isolated episodes of serious depression are far more common. It is conservatively estimated that something like 25% of the U.S. population will have at least one bout of depression serious enough to merit medical attention during their lifetime.

Second, depression and bipolar disorder can be extremely unpleasant. It can blight a person's existence for years. In its more severe forms it can incapacitate a person as completely as any serious physical disability; often employment becomes impossible, which implies severe economic and social hardships for both the individual and his/her family. In its most extreme form, depression can lead to suicide, destroying one's life as surely as cancer.

Third, all mental illness strikes at the very "part'' of us which makes us human: the mind. Depression and bipolar disorder are mood disorders; they affect how we feel about ourselves, our surroundings, our lives. In their most severe forms they can make life a living hell. Schizophrenia is a thought disorder; typically it causes major distortions in the victim's perception of reality, producing delusions and hallucinations. All of these illnesses tend to dehumanize the victim, leaving him/her more vulnerable to loss of self esteem, loss of will to live. It is one of our most sacred obligations as humans to reach out to our fellows who suffer, through no fault of their own, the extreme misery of these illnesses.

Beyond all of this, I want to offer a message of hope. I want to say from first-hand knowledge that depression and bipolar disorder are treatable, often with truly remarkable results. In fact, among other people who have CMI, I sometimes joke that depression and bipolar disorder are the ``Mercedes of mental illness'' just because they are so treatable. Next, I want to say first-hand that there is life after treatment; often a very rich and rewarding life. There are no guarantees, of course, but I can truthfully say that since successful treatment of my illness, I have enjoyed the very best period of my life.

Finally, I want to do what little I can to help break down the stigma associated with mental illness. It is bad enough to have to suffer the horrors of an illness, but it is insufferable to be cast out of society just because one has the bad luck of being ill. The time has come to end this practice. Society has to change its views. I offer myself as an example of a someone who has CMI and who, thanks to treatment, can continue to function at a valuable level of creativity and productivity in a highly technical and demanding profession, and as a counterexample to the common picture of a mentally ill person as violent, disordered, and/or "crazy''.

next: About the Author Dimitri Mihalas
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Interview with Jason Alster, author of "Being in Control" on alternative and natural treatments for ADHD.

Quite unexpectedly I received an email from Jason Alster.

It said this:

I am the author of the books BEING IN CONTROL: Natural Techniques for increasing your Potential and Creativity for Success in School and for Improving Concentration and Learning in Children with ADHD and Dyslexia and the book CREATIVE PAINTING FOR THE YOUNG ARTIST. I have been working with natural treatments of ADHD and test anxiety and dyslexia and have developed, over the last 15 years, a very powerful program to treat most cases of ADHD naturally and successfully. Whom may I speak to in your organization about workshops in the UK or distribution of these books and relay more information upon request? I do plan on being in the UK -London sometime in April and would be happy to meet up if possible. Sincerely, Jason Alster MSc, Center for Psychophysiology/Peak Performance and Learning Strategies, Zichron Yacov, Israel. Jason Alster

Intrigued by the man's confidence, I decided to meet him. We met at his hotel opposite the Natural History Museum. I was immediately struck by Jason's intensity and passion for his work.

I asked him to explain how he'd become involved in treating ADHD.

"I began treating children with ADD quite unexpectedly in 1991. I had been a biofeedback therapist as part of an anxiety clinic in a mental daycare setting in Tel Aviv, Israel. I had absolutely no experience in treating children but was doing quite well with adults suffering from stress disorders and teenagers who had test anxiety and social phobias. The biofeedback clinic had just opened and each type of patient was a new experience. With my medical-technological training in neuro-electro diagnostics and sleep/wake disorders, I was more into the neurological and psychophysiological disorders while a child psychologist working with me wanted to try biofeedback on ADD. Then he had said that there was no treatment for this poorly understood syndrome. The only remedy was Ritalin, although reports about EEG (electroencephalogram) biofeedback and Joel Lubar's research with neurofeedback were just coming out.

At first I used EMG (testing muscle tension). Then over time found that GSR (electrodermal resistance) was better and easier to use. At the time, there were no studies of GSR biofeedback for ADD. After starting to treat a handful of children with biofeedback the psychologist I was working with had to leave the unit and I had to take over his patients. All I knew then about ADD was from a television program showing a hyperactive child literally jump off the walls and I worried about what this child would do to my biofeedback equipment!

I had absolutely no knowledge of learning disorders either. I mention this lack of knowledge for a reason. I had to begin treating ADD without a prior predisposition to what was written in the literature. I had to see for myself what worked, and fast. "

How did you decide what would work?

"On my very first ADD patient I performed a regular biofeedback stress baseline for anxiety. That is, I hooked the child up to galvanic skin resistance (GSR) sensors, muscle and peripheral temperature monitors, but not EEG. I had to start to treat ADD with what I knew and that is how to treat stress and anxiety. I was lucky. My very first patient's baseline EMG (electromyogram or muscle activity potential good for measuring stress) showed that the more she sat quietly the EMG gained in amplitude. That is, sitting quietly was stressful for her. I tried relaxation training and she improved her baseline in just 6 sessions and began to do better both at home and in school. This was not supposed to happen. Biofeedback in ADD was supposed to be a stubborn neurological problem that takes 60 sessions to treat."

Your book, Being in Control, indicates that you have extended the range of tools you now use to treat youngsters with ADHD. It says that your methods are natural, integrative, and holistic and comply with recent theories in educational research. Does this mean you are against using ADHD stimulant medication?

"No, not at all, stimulant medication for ADHD has its place for some youngsters and their parents. I wanted to find an effective, alternative method to offer those young people and especially parents who wouldn't, or didn't want to, use medication to treat ADHD. At least these children wouldn't be left untreated. I then found that my method worked so well with the many children in our trials that it could be a viable alternative to medication and should perhaps be tried as a first line treatment.

In my readings at the time, a number of avenues were being pursued in the treatment of ADD. Some of these ADD treatments were nutritional, sensory integration, guided imagery, art therapy, natural meditation, yoga, Bach flower remedies, homeopathy, chiropractic, and the use of aromatic oils. In biofeedback, animated computer games were being introduced. I decided I could use each method and observe its effectiveness. I could develop an integrated and holistic approach. I could match the method to each child individually. One of the first things that I found that can cause the GSR to become stable in ADD children and adults is holding a soft or smooth stone in your hand. Who would ever expect that this piece of nature could compete with Ritalin? But it does. I got this idea from the worry stones and beads of the Middle East." (end of interview)

Jason Alster is keen to not only promote his books Being In Control and Creative Painting for the Young Artist, but he also wants to run workshops to train facilitators in his methods. He feels that any practitioner with an existing qualification, such as teachers, social workers, psychologists, classroom assistants and so forth could easily learn, employ and devolve his methods and these would be beneficial to any children that were struggling with ADHD, Dyslexia and other learning disorders.

His books are not big learned volumes full of highly technical information, but encapsulate the thinking and methods that he uses. They are small, soft backed books written and illustrated in such a way as to be immediately accessible to the children who will use them and easy for parents to facilitate the steps required.

Jason Alster convinced me that his 6 pillars approach - Animated Biofeedback, Sensory integration, Emotional intelligence, Accelerated learning, Creativity and Natural nutrition could add to the armory of ADHD treatments for all affected children, on its own for some and in conjunction with ADHD medication and psychological interventions for others.

What Causes Attention Deficit Disorder?

Attention deficit disorder can have many causes. It is believed to have a hereditary or genetic cause. It can also be caused by damage to a fetus' brain during pregnancy, or to a child's brain at birth, or after birth.

How Is Attention Deficit Disorder Diagnosed?

The signs and symptoms of attention deficit disorder are usually not apparent in infants. It is most likely to become apparent when a child is of an age where learning and instruction become emphasized and a child begins to show difficulty with learning.

Usually, this is when a child is about 7 or 8 years of age or is in the second or third grade of schooling.

Sometimes, however, signs and symptoms may appear during the infant stage. These may include restlessness or problems with sleeping or feeding.

Signs and symptoms may include:

1. On-going or habitual inability to pay attention

2. Easy, excessive distractibility

3. Lack of ability to organize

4. Excessive impulsiveness

5. Hyperactivity

6. Restlessness

7. Forgetfulness

A physician will ask many detailed questions about the child's personal and family medical histories. He or she will observe the child's behavior.

The physician will also perform a physical examination of the child. He or she may recommend more extensive testing to rule out other causes, or to identify any sensory or neurological disorders.

The physician may also refer the child to specialists for additional testing or diagnosis.

Some ADHD children may be underweight. Here are some ideas for getting your ADHD child to eat more.

Many parents of children with ADHD worry that their child is not eating enough, and that their child is light for his/her height.

This can be for a number of reasons:

• The child won't sit still long enough to eat much.

• The child is so busy and hyperactive that he/she burns off such a lot of energy that he/she actually needs to eat more than other children of the same size just to keep going.

• The ADHD medication (e.g. Ritalin, Ritalin SR, Concerta XL, Methylphenidate, Dexedrine etc.) the child takes stops him/her feeling very hungry.

The following are ideas for you to try. They won't suit everyone, but they may give you some help to get over what can be a tricky problem!

1. Eat together at a table, and then all get down from the table together when everyone has had enough (like in a restaurant). Some children eat very little just to be able to go and play sooner, but choose to eat more when there is no option but to sit at table and get bored - while they watch everyone else eat.

2. If the child gets bored and fed up with eating, try

a. Playing a story-tape on a cassette player at meal times.

b. When he/she has eaten a little for themselves, but stops because he/she gets fed up with coping with cutlery etc, why not put a few mouthfuls on the fork for him/her? It may seem odd to be "feeding" your 8 year old - but not many of them will still be letting you feed them when they are 18! Or you could let him/her use a spoon or his/her fingers - as long as they have eaten some of the meal with "proper" cutlery first. It is important that children learn to use cutlery, even if it is hard going, or they will feel left out later. However, many children with ADHD find fiddly things like cutlery very difficult to manage - so help them to eat when they have got fed up themselves, rather than get into a battle over it.

c. Make ordinary food look fancy - sausages and mash looks more fun if you serve it with the sausages sticking out of the potato like a hedgehog. You could make a face or pattern by arranging the food differently on the plate.

d. School packed lunches can be made more appetising by trying small amounts of a wider variety of food. Why not try a small sandwich, Cheese Strings, Peperami or Baby-bel, a small piece of fruit, raisins or dried apricots, some crisps, a few biscuits and maybe some chocolate? For the drink, send a milkshake - Yazoo or similar. This may not fit with a school healthy eating policy - but being too thin isn't very healthy, either. You could tell the school that your child has a "special dietary requirement" of a "low volume, high calorie" diet.

e. Vegetables served raw can be fun - especially if your child has helped to prepare them. Carrots, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, and cucumber can be tried. Also frozen peas - still frozen - are often popular.

3. Whole milk, rather than semi-skimmed or skimmed milk can make quite a difference - especially if you use it everywhere (in cooking, on cereal, in milk-shakes and custard and for drinking).

4. Try to avoid low fat spread and low fat yoghurt. The yoghurts sold "for babies and toddlers" and as "luxury" are generally more full of energy than the low fat ones. The same applies for ice-cream, too. Low fat food becomes more important for your child's heart as he/she gets older - but don't forget that being too thin isn't healthy either.

5. Sometimes these children forget to drink or don't feel thirsty in the normal way. This means that when they sit down to a meal and find that they are thirsty, they fill up with drinks and don't have room for the food.

a. Offer a delicious drink (to encourage your child to drink it) about an hour before a meal, so it has gone down before he/she starts to eat.

b. Allow one drink of whatever he/she normally has at the meal, but make any further drinks only of water.

c. Avoid fizzy drinks at meal times, as the bubbles can be very filling.

6. Don't try to force your child to eat. Meals will become a battleground that only your child will win. It is much easier to modify your family's eating habits a little than to enter World War III! Have firm boundaries of what you will not tolerate in your house - and be sure that everyone knows them. However, try to be flexible within those boundaries. A lot of what we think is important is really just tradition. Does it really matter if your child has cake and Yorkshire pudding for breakfast and breakfast cereal for lunch - or if he/she will only eat vegetables if they are covered in tomato or mint sauce? As long as the diet is well balanced overall, with plenty of good food, it may not be worth worrying too much about the fine detail.

7. Fussy children are very hard to cook for! Again, it isn't worth starting a battle. Arguing over the size of a piece of meat or counting peas is no fun (for you, anyway). Some people insist on their children eating everything. Others happily cook different meals for each member of the family. The best answer is probably somewhere between. Some children are fussy about the feel or texture of a food, rather than the taste. Problems with slimy things like onions and mushrooms are particularly common. Sometimes homemade meals, like stews and casseroles taste awful without the "hated" food, in which case liquidising the onions or mushroom before you cook them makes the finished dish taste OK, but without the little bits for your child to fuss over.

8. Children, like cars, don't run well when they are empty! Regular meals can make a big difference to behaviour. You may find that a mid-morning and mid-afternoon (or after-school) snack improves your child's behaviour. Try not to skip meals yourself, as it is easy for your child to copy you - especially if he/she isn't feeling hungry. It is important to eat meals - however small - at reasonably regular intervals.

9. It is often possible to get most of the day's food eaten before the first dose of the day starts to work, or after the last dose has worn off. You could try some of the following:

a. If your child is taking the short acting (10mg) tablets of Ritalin, it is sometimes possible to time a meal for the "dip" before the next dose is due, when the child will be hungrier.

b. A big cooked breakfast, before the morning dose has taken effect, is excellent. If sausage, bacon, potato waffles, eggs, beans and fruit juice sounds too much for you to cook, why not try a bacon sandwich with a milkshake - or even a bowl of Angel Delight, or fruit pie and custard? Some supermarkets now sell Muller Sponge and Custard, Chocolate Sponge etc. in yoghurt-pot sized microwave-able portions.

c. Add a good supper before bed. Try a thick milkshake, a cheese or bacon sandwich, some yoghurt, a bowl of cereal with whole milk, rice-pudding or something similar, along with some fruit.

d. Little ones sometimes eat quite well if fed in the bath! A few bath toys, a plastic jug, and the cold tap set to a trickle will keep the child facing in one direction to give you the opportunity to spoon in all sorts of goodies - with no worry about the mess! Try baked beans, spaghetti hoops, hot dog sausages, sponge or pie and custard, boiled egg with toast soldiers, rice pudding, yoghurt, ice-cream...the possibilities are endless!

Milk Shakes:The easiest way to make a good THICK milk shake is with a packet of Angel Delight - or your supermarket's "own brand" version which will be cheaper. Instead of using the amount of milk it says on the packet, use 1 PINT of whole milk (or ½ a pint for half a packet). If you whisk it up well you will end up with a wonderfully frothy drink. You could even sprinkle chocolate or those little coloured sprinkling things (100s of 1000s, I think) on top for added effect, and serve with a straw!

You can also make gorgeous home made milk shakes in a liquidiser.

To serve 2:

8-10 Strawberries or 1-2 Bananas
½ pint of whole milk
3 scoops of vanilla ice cream
A small dollop of single cream. (Don't worry if you don't have any - add an extra scoop of ice cream instead)
Some people like to add a teaspoon of sugar, too.

About the author: Clare is the mother of 2 children with ADHD and is a doctor working in Child Psychiatry.

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"Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly."
- Old Eskimo saying

1) Responsibility
2) Deliberate Intent
3) Acceptance
4) Beliefs
5) Gratitude
6) This Moment
7) Honesty
8) Perspective

6) Live In This Moment Now

Unhappiness lives in the past and the future, there is no unhappiness in the present. What are you unhappy about? Is it about something that might happen in the future or something that happened in the past? When we spend time regretting the past, or worrying about the future, there isn't room for happiness in the present.

What amazed me was the amount of time I was not fully in the present. It seemed like I was always thinking about what was next, or thinking about some event in my past.

Even while engaging in a conversation with someone, I would either be thinking about what they had said, or anticipating how I was going to respond to what they were saying. How many times do we miss vital information from those we love because our minds are elsewhere? Test this for yourself. Become a monitor of your own thoughts. I think you'll be amazed at how often you "aren't really there" with what is happening around you.

"The secret of health for both the mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, not to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly."

- Buddha

Many times when we have insecurities and doubts, we have difficulty focusing on what is happening right in front of us. We're thinking about what we said to so-and-so, how we could have handled this situation differently, thinking about what we're going to do if this or that happens, all the while, missing what is happening now.

When you bring your awareness into the moment of now, all worries of the past and all imagined fears of the future gently fade away until all that's left is the vivid experience of the present. It is in this state that you actually start to see life. You'll see colors you never saw before. It is in this awareness where appreciation grows.

Happiness is not experienced in the past or in the future. Happiness is always experienced in the moment. If you are waiting to be happy sometime in the future, you might be waiting a very, very, very long time.

next: 8 Ways To Happiness: Honesty

Many people don't understand the implications of having ADHD. Here are some important points to consider when you are married to a person with ADHD.

What is ADD/ADHD?

ADD/ADHD is a fairly recently recognised disorder yet the first definition was published about 100 years ago by Dr. G. Still in London.

ADHD and difficulty with social relationships

Many people with ADD/ADHD have difficulty in understanding how others think and feel. This may lead to naive, or socially inappropriate behaviour. They often try hard to be sociable and do not dislike human contact. However, they still find it hard to understand non-verbal signals, including facial expressions.

ADHD and difficulty with communication

People with ADD/ADHD may speak very fluently but they may not take any notice of the reaction of people listening to them, continuing to talk about one topic regardless of the listeners interest or lack of it. Their voice and facial expression may be flat or unusual and they may have odd gestures or eye contact. In many cases they may take jokes or expressions literally and have difficulty in understanding sarcasm.

ADHD and lack of imagination

People with ADD/ADHD often find it difficult to think in abstract ways. They may have restricted interests, narrow, unsociable and unusual hobbies, and sometimes have an obsessive insistence on routines.

Many people with ADD/ADHD have difficulty planning and coping with change and, despite average or above average intelligence, there may be a notable lack of common sense. Everybody is different, and every person with ADD/ADHD has his/her own particular difficulties and strengths, but social problems, unusual verbal and non-verbal expression and narrow interests are the common features of ADD/ADHD.

Some people with ADD/ADHD may only receive a diagnosis in adulthood, and others may remain undiagnosed. Some individuals will manage very well, while others need a lot of support.

People with ADD/ADHD seem to have difficulty understanding what those around them think and feel. Because of this, they often behave inappropriately in social situations, or do things that may appear to be unkind or callous. The wife of one man with ADD/ADHD described his condition as causing "extreme emotional indifference" which was neither voluntary nor deliberate.

What ADD/ADHD is NOT

Many ordinary people have little eccentricities, certain obsessions, or a tendency to be shy in large social gatherings. ADD/ADHD is not simply normal eccentricity. People with ADD/ADHD usually do not want to be different, but do not know how to fit in better with those around them. The pattern of difficulties appears to start early in life, and people with ADD/ADHD have persistent social and communication problems from early childhood onwards. It is not just a bad phase. This means that an individual with previously close good friendships and normal everyday communication is unlikely to have ADD/ADHD. Knowing about childhood adjustment is important in diagnosing ADD/ADHD, because other disorders may resemble the condition.

How common is ADD/ADHD?

As ADD/ADHD has only fairly recently been recognised there are not yet good figures to estimate the prevalence rate. However studies suggest that approximatly 5% of school children will have the condition and of these 70% are likely to carry symptoms into adulthood. No doubt there are many cases which have never reached clinical attention. What causes ADD/ADHD?

ADD/ADHD, like autism, appears to be caused by some biological difference in how the brain develops. In many cases this may have a genetic cause; autism and ADD/ADHD often run in the same families. Indeed, it is not unusual for parents of children with autism to feel that they recognise certain features of the disorder (eg social difficulties) in other relatives. If you are concerned about possible genetic risks, you should ask your GP for information on genetic counselling. At present there is no cure for ADD/ADHD, although the help and support of family and friends can make a big difference.

ADD/ADHD in the family

Living with a person with ADD/ADHD can be very difficult because of the very subtle nature of the disability. There is no physical sign of the disorder, and it can be hard to explain to friends and family that the peculiar behaviour is not deliberate.

What can you do for yourself?

Because ADD/ADHD can be seen as a disorder of insight into thoughts and feelings, it may be very difficult to engage your partner in the sorts of discussions that marriage counsellors or family therapists use. Indeed, such therapists may not have heard of ADD/ADHD and may need information from you in order to avoid misunderstandings. You may like to think about other approaches instead - perhaps it will be more useful to talk to a counsellor on your own, to have a chance to think through your feelings and decide possible coping strategies.

In brief, the following three steps have been useful for some partners:

1. Contact with others in the same position, for understanding listening, support and advice.
2. Counselling for yourself and your family.
3. Consider whether diagnosis would help.

What can you do for your partner?

As well as your partner having difficulty understanding your needs for emotional closeness and communication, it may also be hard for you to understand your partner's needs. He or she may be interested in things that seem very boring to you, or may find apparently normal social situations very stressful. Try and remember that he/she may not be able to read all the social cues which you understand without even trying. So getting very emotional (even when you have every right!) may not be the best way to get through - while a calmer, reasoned discussion (even writing things down) may work better. Avoiding personal criticism can help; one partner suggests a more impersonal approach, e.g. instead of saying "You shouldn't do that", saying "People don't do that in social settings".

It may be hard for your partner to change from routine, and he/she may need plenty of notice when such disruptions will occur.

If your partner acknowledges his/her social difficulties, it may be useful for him/her to see someone who knows about ADD/ADHD and could offer practical advice, or social skills pointers, rather than more insight-centred talking therapy.

For more help, information and support check out ADDChoices

A FEW STRATEGIES AND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

THE MAIN COMPLAINT seems to be that the ADDer regularly fails to complete projects/chores at home.

Don't take this behavior personally. The ADDer is not lazy or insensitive to your requests. Most adults with ADD/ADHD spend an enormous amount of energy maintaining focus at work. Upon arriving home, there is little get-up-and-go left to focus. It takes an enormous amount energy to maintain attention, avoid impulsiveness and stifle hyperactivity at work. Adults with ADD/ADHD really do need to "recuperate" after wrestling with the trials and tribulations of "staying on task" at work all day.

• Do chores with your spouse rather than delegating chores
• Maintain daily routines especially for repetitious tasks

IMPORTANT!

Have the ADD/ADHD spouse make out a schedule such as:

• Laundry done every Tuesday and Saturday
• Grocery shopping Wednesdays right after work
• Pay bills on the 1st and 15th of every month
• Walk the dog by 5:30 daily

YOU GET THE IDEA

YOU MUST REALIZE THAT: ADDers tend to agree with you, and then neglect to follow through. This can be intensely irritating! Strive to depersonalize your reaction to such forgetfulness. You must understand that the ADDer will agree without paying attention to the discussion. He/she can be so wrapped up in their own thoughts that your voice doesn't register in the brain! Really! They will later claim "You never said that!".

If you are irritated by some action not being done consider this strategy:

Make your request. If the action is not taken, either do it yourself or pay to have it done.

You need to know that nagging, coercing, whining, intimidation, threatening, yelling, throwing a fit etc. are all strategies that will not work!

GO EASY ON YOURSELF

The non-ADD spouses frequently blame themselves for not "helping the ADDer enough". Don't blame yourself for being unable to micro-manage your spouse. It may seem like an honorable goal but, in the long run you are not doing yourself or your spouse any favors. It is not your fault your spouse neglects paying bills, calling their parents, picking up the kids, and so forth. It is not within your power to change your spouse. ADD/ADHD adults must change themselves.

FIND OUT ALL YOU CAN ABOUT ADD/ADHD

Many adult ADDers are in denial. Be ready to impart information to your spouse occasionally. Some partners have designed clandestine ways to educate their spouse by strategically placing articles, books and pamphlets on ADD for children around the house. They approach the education of the adult through discussing the ADD nephew, daughter, neighbour.

OTHER

• Compliment your spouse often. You can mold behavior (somewhat) through positive comments.
• Ignore behaviors that aren't worth the hassle.
• Take a deep breath and relax.
• Use a soft tone of voice and gentle gestures.
• Use humor to diffuse difficult situations.
• Realize your spouse needs/tries/wants to be in control because their thoughts are out of control. You don't have to "lay down and roll over" constantly but realize that at times an argument is due to an ADD/ADHD thing - and doesn't have anything to do with the subject YOU are arguing about.

Say this to yourself often:

It's an ADD/ADHD thing!

IT'S YOUR CHOICE

Having an ADD/ADHD spouse can be difficult, exciting, stressful, unpredictable, fun, infuriating, invigorating, etc.... just like other marriages. The difference is, it is extremely difficult to have the attention of someone with AN ATTENTION DIFFICULTY. You must figure out how to deal with your spouse's inattentiveness, impulsiveness and hyperactivity. Focus on your mate's talents, accomplishments and positive attributes -- after all, you married this person!

next: Impact of ADHD on the Family
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interview with Kris Raphael

Kris Raphael is the author of "Soul Urges," and refers to himself as a 'reality worker'. He maintains that his path of personal growth and spiritual evolution has taken place in 'reality' ( in his day-to\-day life) rather than in a church, monastery or ashram separate from the world. He's a businessman in corporate America, speaks fluent Japanese, and enjoys computer graphics and hiking in the mountains.

Kris shares that he first began to realize the world wasn't what it seemed when he went to Japan. "I had my first knock on the head when I was 19 years old. I had gone to Japan to study. The Japanese culture is very different and their worldview is entirely different than ours. I came to realize that a lot of the way we perceive reality is due to our conditioning from our parents, culture and society."

Kris returned to the U.S. to finish college and returned to Japan to attend graduate school after receiving a scholarship from the Japanese Ministry of Education. While in Japan, he studied cultural anthropology and linguistics. Kris is married and has a daughter who's just entering adolescence. He currently lives in Southern California. To learn more about Kris, visit his website, the Toltec Nagual

Tammie: 1991 appears to be a pivotal year year for you. Could you share a bit with us about the particular "quakes" (events) which led to your embarking on your present journey?

Kris: At the beginning of 1991, I had been married for 13 years, had a nice home, good job and a 6-year-old daughter. My then wife and I rarely argued or had altercations. From the outside looking in, everything looked great. But from the inside looking out, it was entirely different. There was no intimacy with my wife. I cared about her, but didn't really love her. I was deathly afraid of intimacy. I was a hider. I never showed anyone what was really inside of me. My life was very compartmentalized. I had my work friends who knew nothing about my personal friends, many of who knew nothing about my wife and family and so on. I was having extramarital affairs. My marriage was a pretty box that looked nice on the outside, but was empty inside.

Until 1991, I was very satisfied with the life I had created. But then something started to happen. A voice inside of me started to scream. I suddenly started to get in touch with what I now consider to be my true self. It was writhing in pain and loneliness. By the end of 1991, I had filed for divorce, quit my job, moved, written letters to my friends and family 'confessing' the empty life I had been leading. They didn't take it very well. Shortly after that I collapsed into a near suicidal nervous breakdown. It was the most hellish, painful experience of my life. It lasted for almost a year and I really never fully found my personal power again until about 6 years later.

Tammie: In your new book, "Soul Urges," you describe a soul urge as that which propels us to begin a spiritual path. It sounds like you were experiencing your own soul urges. Can you talk more about soul urges?

Kris: Many reach a point in life where they can no longer ignore deep desires that never go away. I call these deep desires "soul urges". They are our inner calling to our destiny or purpose in life. If you have had, on a deep level, strong desires that have lasted for more than 2 years, chances are these are soul urges. They may go against everything we have built our lives around to this point.

Say, for example, due to the urging of my parents I come to believe that I wanted to be a lawyer. I study hard in law school. I join a reputable firm and work my way up to be a top partner in the firm. I have made it to where I thought I wanted to be. But something keeps bothering me. I have an inner nagging for something else. I have this desire to start cooking. I take some classes and love them. I start cooking for my friends and family. I soon find that I feel very fulfilled when cooking but begin to dread going to the law firm. I thought I wanted to become a lawyer but now I am finding that it really isn't what I want to do. Maybe I just thought I wanted to be a lawyer because that's what my parents wanted me to be. And where does this deep desire to cook come from? It doesn't from my parents or society. It comes from something deep inside. I call this a soul urge.

Soul urges may seem to be 'spiritual', but more times than not they do not seem to be. This is because we have many preconceived notions about what is spiritual. Perhaps living a truly fulfilling life to the fullest is what our soul wants.

Tammie: You also talk about the "Toltec View" of the world. What is the Toltec view?

Kris: The Toltecs view the world as a dream. From the time we are born, we are taught to buy into and believe the 'dream of the planet". The dream of the planet is what mass consciousness believes the world to be. We learn to perceive the dream as being real. It isn't. Through a lineage several thousand years old, Toltecs have developed techniques to shift our perception so that we 'see' the world as a very different place. Doing these techniques, we realize first hand that the world is not as it seems or what we have believed it to be. When I went to Japan, I had some of this realization. I realized that the Japanese perceive the world differently than we do. Neither view is more correct than the other. According to the Toltecs, they are just variations of the dream of the planet. Eventually we want to create our own dream, one of heaven, not hell.

Tammie: You mention that one opportunity leads to another. How has that manifested in your own life?

Kris: I noticed this from the time I was very young. Sometimes I would be afraid to try something new, or make a change. But whenever I did, many new possibilities opened up to me that I didn't even know existed. For example, after graduating from college I didn't know what I wanted to do. I had a friend who worked for the Japanese Consulate in Portland Oregon. He mentioned a scholarship program that the Japanese government was offering. He said that in order to apply I had to take a test at the Consulate. I didn't know much about Japan and wasn't sure I wanted to find out. I really didn't want to take a test I knew nothing about. But for some reason I decided to do it and it changed my life forever.

I call these windows of probabilities. At anytime in our lives there are windows of probabilities that are opening and closing. We may choose to step through a window or not. When we step through a window, we enter a whole new world of probabilities that were impossible for us to see before we walked through the window.

But there is another important factor here. Windows of probabilities come in accordance to our level of personal growth. Sometimes a large window of probability may present itself but we are not 'ready' to go through it.

Tammie: I'm wondering how often pain opens a window of possibility, and what lessons your own pain has taught you?

Kris: Speaking in general, pain is an indication that something is wrong. When I started to feel that awful pain in 1991, it was screaming at me that something was wrong with the way I was living life. I then went through several years of excruciating pain processing through all of the wrong ways I had lived my life to that point. And then I had the work of rebuilding it, which was very painful at first because I had lost all sense of self worth and personal power. It was if I had spent many years building a mansion only to realize that I built it on a shaky foundation. I had to tear it all down and start to rebuild it all over again, but this time on a firm foundation.

Tammie: What would you define your life's purpose to be?

Kris: Simply, I am a reality worker. I work in the dream of the planet, that which most people consider to be reality. For many years, I didn't want to be a reality worker. I didn't want to be in the dream of the planet. I hated it. I have come to realize though that in order for me to show people that there is a way out, that it is possible for them to create their own dream of heaven, I must live in the dream of hell where most people are at. From there, I can show them and help create the path out."

next:Marlene Blaszczyk - "The Heart of Motivating Moments"

So, what is it you want? This page is dedicated to helping you identify...

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" - Steven Wright

who you want to BE
what you want to DO
and what you want to HAVE.

TIP: One obstacle I've seen people experience in this identification process is the concept of "should." Shoulds are a condition place on us from the outside, perceived or real. What should I want? What should I do? Who should I be? What should I have? What would impress the Jones'? What would make my parents proud? What is the right thing to want? It's all shoulds.

To get the most out of this exercise you're going to have to temporarily set the shoulds aside. If you find yourself thinking "I don't know what I want" I can almost guarantee the shoulds are stopping you from freely stating your desires. If this is the case, pretend you were just dropped into this world. You have no parents, no friends, no relatives, no responsibilities, no commitments, no obligations, and no one is expecting anything from you. What would you want then?

Who Do You Want To Be?

Get a pen and paper, and for the next few minutes write down every person that you admire and respect. It can be anyone, a friend, family member, co-worker, celebrity, politician, author, scientist, musician, philosopher, teacher, anyone at all. There are no limitations. They don't even have to be real, you can write down fictional characters. I've created a list of famous people that might help spark your memory. For the next 2 minutes, list everyone you like or admire for some reason, it doesn't matter why for now. Then return to this page.

Now, next to each name, write the characteristic(s) or quality you like about that person. After you've done this for each person, got through the list of qualities and compile them into a condensed list. Put the qualities that repeat at the top of your list. Here's an example of the process.

Look at the list of qualities you're left with. Are those the qualities that you yourself wish you had? Do you not already have some of them? Which do you want to make stronger? Which do you want to develop more? Are there any qualities on your list that you don't think you possess? Do you want to be the person that has all those qualities? Many times simply being aware of the qualities you want to possess brings them out in you.

What Do You Want To Do?

Lets take the next 15 minutes and identify what it is you enjoy doing. Brainstorming is a very useful technique for identifying your wants by throwing all caution to the wind. Be wild and free. Forget being realistic or practical. Pretend you've just been given a license that for the next 15 minutes, you don't have to take anyone else into consideration, you don't have to worry about time, space or money, and you have total freedom to be self indulgent. This isn't about finding you a career, although it may eventually become one. It's about identifying what you enjoy doing. I've created a list of activities you might enjoy doing that might help you get started. Write down every activity you enjoy doing.

What Do You Want To Have?

Take another 15 minutes and do the same for the things we would like to have in your life. Try to be as specific as you can. What would you like to have? Above is a list of items you might want to have that might help you get started.

next: Removing The Obstacles In Your Way