by Paul Cody, Ph.D.
U.N.H.Counseling Center

Suicide is almost always a desperate act by someone who feels helpless and hopeless. Suicidal feelings and thoughts are a frequent symptom of depression. As a society, we feel shocked and questioning when someone we know kills herself or himself. We feel that we want to do whatever we can to prevent another such tragedy.

It has been only in the last decade that there has been recognition that gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender youth (generally defined as ages 15-24) are at an increased risk of suicide compared to other youth. A growing body of research literature has provided the estimate that gays, lesbians, and bisexual youth attempt suicide at a rate 2-3 times higher than their heterosexual peers. Some studies indicate that the rate of attempted suicide for transgender youth is higher than 50%. It is also estimated that gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth comprise 30% of completed suicides, with transgender youth also having a high incidence of completed suicides. These studies are not documenting only a recent phenomenon; some are retrospective studies, interviewing older members of these minority groups and finding high rates for attempted and completed suicide during these individuals' youth decades ago. It is only the attention to this problem that is recent.

Sexual and gender minority youth are at a high risk of suicide largely because of societal and developmental factors. This age period is when all people face the developmental tasks of finding their identity and establishing sexual/emotional intimacy in relationships. Our society fosters, nurtures, and channels these tasks for heterosexual youth. Implicitly and explicitly, heterosexual youth have their feelings, identities, and relationships acknowledged and validated. In general, our society is a perilous wasteland for sexual and gender minority youth. It is a wasteland because the resources that might help them in the developmental tasks of finding identity and establishing intimacy are nonexistent in most places, scarce in others. It is perilous because there are real dangers to their emotional and physical well-being which they must try to navigate. Harassment, threats of violence, and physical/sexual assaults by peers and family are frequently experienced by sexual and gender minority youth. Even more ubiquitous are the slurs, insults, and jokes regarding this population which color their environment and make it an even greater challenge for them to come to love themselves and have good self-esteem. Most of them do not possess the internal and external resources nor the autonomy that come with greater age to help them through these struggles with their environment. The internalized self-hatred and resulting pain for sexual and gender minority youth contribute to a higher risk of abusing alcohol and other drugs as a means of numbing those feelings.

There are several things that can help reduce the suicide risk factors for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth. All of us can make a commitment to making the environment a safer place for them. Heterosexuals who read this can do a lot. Stop laughing at or ignoring the bigoted jokes and insults that are frequently made about sexual and gender minorities. Go a step further and confront those who make these remarks, telling them that you do not find them appropriate. Additionally, you can continue your own education about all sorts of people who are different than you, including sexual and gender minorities. Open your mind and your heart further. Communicate your caring to those around you. Support the struggles of this population to obtain the same basic civil rights you have, the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Older gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people who read this can remember how difficult our own experience was when young. Frequently we may want to put that behind us because of the painfulness of remembering it even still. We cannot afford to do that as our youth are in those hells now. Commit or recommit yourself to being as out as you can be, being proud, and reaching out to the youth who need our support. Remember that our lives are only as good as they are because of those who came before us in this struggle. What will you do for those who come after us?

Sexual and gender minority youth who have felt or are feeling suicidal I ask not to give in to those helpless and hopeless feelings. I know from personal experience how it can seem that things will never get better, no one will accept you for who you are, and maybe you aren't sure you like you for who you are. As someone who made it through, I can say that the fears, when kept to yourself, are worse than the reality. Look around you and find some person that you feel you can trust to tell your feelings to, someone who has expressed a caring and accepting attitude. It might be a family member or friend. It might be a professor or hall director or RA or minister. If it feels too risky to speak to any of these people, contact the Counseling Center. We care and want to be a support to you. As someone who survived his own gay adolescence, I want you to know that life gets better, so hold on to life and reach out for help.

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NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR RESEARCH AND THERAPY OF HOMOSEXUALITY

A study detailed in Pediatrics pinpoints some key elements associated with the risk of attempted suicide in homosexual teenagers. "Compared with non-attempters, attempters had more feminine gender roles, and adopted a bisexual or homosexual identity at younger ages. Attempters were more likely than peers to report sexual abuse, drug abuse, and arrests for misconduct."

The researchers say that suicide attempts appear to be related to "coming out" at a younger age, gender atypicality, low self-esteem, substance abuse, running away, involvement in prostitution, and other psychosocial morbidities." In 44% of cases, subjects attributed the suicide attempts to "'family problems,' including conflict with family members and parents' marital discord, divorce, or alcoholism."

Similarly, Saghir and Robins reported in 1973 (Male and Female Homosexuality: A Comprehensive Investigation; Baltimore, MD: Williams and Wilkins) that youthful suicide attempts in a group of homosexual adults were "often in association with a history of childhood gender-atypical behavior or emotional disturbance."

Two key points can be inferred from these studies. First, that treatment for Gender Identity Disorder of Childhood (GID), which is now under strong attack from within the psychological profession, may indeed be therapeutic for prevention of suicide attempts in adolescence. Gay and feminist advocacy groups have been lobbying for deletion of the diagnostic category. In contrast, clinicians such as Kenneth Zucker and Susan Bradley believe that it is ethical and therapeutic to help children become more comfortable with their biological maleness or femaleness (Gender Identity Disorder and Psychosexual Problems in Children and Adolescents, 1995, New York: Guilford Press) and to alleviate the emotional and family problems often associated with childhood gender nonconformity.

Second, since early gay-self-labeling is associated with attempted suicide, it seems unwise to encourage young people to label themselves as gay during the volatile teenage years. The teen years serve as a transitional phase when affectional, emotional and identification needs can be eroticized. "No service is done to our children by offering them lifestyle options before they are properly able to make informed choices about them," says Dr. George Rekers, professor of neuropsychiatry and a specialist in psychosexual disorders at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine.

Footnotes:

("Risk Factors for Attempted Suicide in Gay and Bisexual Youth, by Gary Remafedi, James Farrow and Robert Deisher, vol. 87, no. 6, June 1991, pp. 869-875)

The American Psychological Association Monitor, June 1997.

Rekers, G., ed. (1995) Handbook of Child and Adolescent Sexual Problems. N.Y.: Lexington Books.

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Gay Teen Suicide Information Page

This page is written for the early teenager who has perhaps discovered he is gay, and doesn't feel to comfortable about it. It also has information for homophobes, suicidal people, and people who have had to deal with someone who has commited suicide. It is also a tribute to Darren.

Who was Darren?

Darren was my boyfriend. We met during the Summer holidays of 1997, he was 15 and I was 16. I told my best friend I fancied him, and he went and told him - it was planned, but I didn't expect it to work so well! We went out for just under a year. On Friday 6th February, at 4 p.m., he killed himself. He wrote me a suicide note - which his mother witheld until the day of his birthday (August 1st). It read:

Dear Alex,
It's difficult to know where to start,
but I'll do it by saying sorry. I'm sorry I
left you, I'm sorry I broke the promise. You
helped me so much, but when pain reaches the
limit it all means nothing. You know that.
Next I want to say thank you. You
dedicated your life to me, and I failed. You
were my shoulder to cry on. You got me off the
sh*t, but here I sit pumped full of it. I'm
not as strong as you.
I have written a note to my mum telling
her everything. I wanted her to know how much
you helped me.
Sorry, and I love you.

Darren.

 

I still miss him, a lot. When I first put this page up, it had been 9 months since his death, but I still can't get used to it, even now. He was going to come to college with me, perhaps even University if we were still together, and later we planned to set up in business for ourselves. It has left my life partly empty, not only when he did it, but now, and I suspect for the rest of my life.

Why did he kill himself?

It is still something that is fairly unclear to me, our friends and his family. It was a combination of reasons, I think. First of all, he wasn't happy being gay; he could never quite get used to himself. Another reason was that I was the only person that accepted what he was. Everyone else either avoided him because of his sexuality, or constantly abused him; beating him (and me) up, screaming obscenities, etc etc. He feared telling his mother because of what her reaction would have been. He was gay, and no one could accept it - that was him and everyone hated him for it.

The other reason was that a very good friend of his died in a road accident. It was sudden, and unexpected, as are most deaths. He'd taken time off school to deal with it, which I think for him wasn't the best idea. He was home alone, trying to deal with his feelings as best he could. He turned to drugs and alcohol. I tried to see him as much as possible, to help him. I even talked to him over the Internet moments before his suicide. Obviously, I still blame myself for this.

What are my feelings now?

I was told by a counselor to write a letter to Darren. At first, I thought this was a stupid idea. I reminded her that he was dead! But it was a good outlet for my feelings, and a method of sorting out what really was going on in my head. It was very difficult for me - it made me realise that I hated Darren for what he did. Don't get me wrong, I know that when you reach that stage there is very little chance of seeing other options (I've been there), but he still went ahead and did it. Someone told me it was touching that he wrote me a letter before doing it - it shows that he was thinking of me at the time. But if he was thinking of me, do I mean so little to him that he can just chuck in his life? It made me realise that I hated not only him, but me for letting it happen, and the people that constantly abused him because of his beliefs. Of course, I still miss him. If he was here now, I would take him into my arms, no questions asked. But that's the source of my anger - what he did was so... permanent.

What is it to be gay?

To be gay is to have a sexual attraction to people of the same sex as you, rather than the opposite sex. Many people carry the belief that gay people fancy everyone of the same sex - and steer clear of them. That is so wrong! Just like heterosexuals, homosexuals have preferences too, not just "stick it in any old hole" - in fact I'm gay, and I'm the most picky person of anyone I know when it comes to fancying someone! I spend every day in college, and out of nearly 4000 students, I've found only one person that I like, and I don't like my chances, so I've (almost!) forgotten about him.

I think everybody has a bit of "gay" in them. Most of us wouldn't want to admit it - not even to ourselves, but it's something I believe in. A girl blurted that out in a Math class of mine, I agreed and like everyone else didn't want to admit it, but something inside me said "go bright red", which I did. Everyone decided I was gay.

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Advice to homophobes

It is understandable to feel slightly uneasy about another person of the same sex having feelings for you. But if they ask you out, simply tell them you're not that way inclined. I remember a friend of mine (who didn't know I was gay) frantically running home from a club one night, and saying "Help, a gay bloke asked me out!". He felt uneasy about the situation. But why? If a gay expresses his/her feelings about you, be flattered - by all means tell them its not for you, but be flattered. It could just as easily have been someone of the opposite sex.

If you feel very strongly about homosexuals, and you come across a gay person, don't abuse them. Please don't. They haven't done anything to you. If you feel unbearably uncomfortable around gay people, just walk away. I've had bricks through my window because of my sexual preference. It might not sound too bad to you - but just imagine a brick being thrown through your window right now. You run to the window to see, and a car revs it's engine before screeching off. You hear abuse being yelled out the window at you. The police couldn't do anything - I knew who it was but I couldn't prove it. I have done nothing what-so-ever to them. In fact, I was even their friends for awhile, but they decided to take out their feelings on me. And that's a large part of Darren's pain too - no one able to accept him.

Advice to homosexuals

You might be 8 years old, or nearing the end of your teens, or even entering your 20's when you realise you could be gay. There are different ways people handle that - sometimes they're completely okay with it, but others can have difficulty getting used to it. But this isn't something you need to deal with yourself. There are many people you can talk to - councillers, teachers, friends (if you trust them), and your parents if you believe they will be okay about it. A lot of people think their parents will go through the roof. It might be a good idea to keep it to yourself for awhile, at least until you're sure. I can't give much advice on this, it depends on the situation.

If you can't deal with it yourself, you should talk to someone about it. Being gay isn't the end of the world - in fact, far from it. My experience isn't the best example though. I've been through quite a bit. But I'm still here, and as I get older, and my friends get older, they will understand better. People are usually more accepting as they get older. At school or college, it might be difficult, but when you reach University or a job, it should become a lot easier. Saying that, I knew a few gay friends still at school, even at the age of 13 - and everybody is still good friends with them, accepting it without any problems. A good example is a 15 year old I know - everybody he knows loves him! Including me, but I won't go into that :)

Advice to any depressed readers

You might be feeling depressed for many reasons - I will assume that because you're reading this page, it's because you're gay. Whether it be a small depression, or a suicidal feeling, you should think about getting help. There are a lot of options available to you. If it is a minor depression, or a medium one lasting a few days, I have a few things that cheer me up:

Go out. I enjoy people's company, and after a few hours with them I'm laughing on the floor, even if I didn't feel like going in the first place. Friends are there for good times and bad.

Treat yourself. Is there a CD or computer game you've been meaning to get? Go get it! Spend a bit of money, and get something you've been wanting. Or just go window shopping - if you see a book you like, go get it!

Do something you enjoy doing. You probably don't feel up to much, but give it a go. If you like swimming, go and do it, at least for twenty minutes - you might do it longer when you realise you're enjoying it.

Listen to some "happy" music. I have a few tunes that I find make me happy - I just can't help moving my feet, and enjoying it. I don't know how many other people this works for, but try it.

If your depression is more severe, you'll be needing more severe methods of tackling it. But don't dismiss the examples I've given above - at least try them. They won't work for everybody, but it's worth trying. If not, don't worry. There is always an answer. With the help of this page, we can launch a full scale war against your depression; and you'll win. We'll make you happy again!

The next step is to confront your depression. Not so much your depression itself, but what is causing it. Have a think of what's been happening in your life recently, and write a list of the problems that may have caused your depression. It's now time to do something about it - work your way through the list, sorting out the problems, and ticking them off one by one. You can do it immediately, or over a day or week. But make sure the problems are sorted. Once they are, you should feel better for it - you now don't have any problems!

If you can't sort out the problems by yourself, it might be time to talk to someone about it. There are many places to look for help. Try looking close to you at first - your friends and family. Ask them if they would mind spending an hour or so with you - they might be able to throw a new perspective on things. The main aim is to sort out the problems together - if you can't get rid of the depression, aim for the heart of the problem.

You might feel that parents, brothers or sisters, friends or teachers aren't the right people to talk to. Does your school or college have a counciller? If they do, have a visit. Don't be ashamed - everyone has problems they need to deal with, and it is a lot easier to do with help. I visit my counciller regularly - although she can't give advice, she asks questions about what has been happening, and it helps me understand it more; to put it in some sort of logical order. Sometimes they aren't able to give advice, like my counciller, but it does help your brain understand what is happening - it puts everything in order and into perspective. If your college or school doesn't have a counciller, you can write or telephone to a number of organisations.

I might not have inspired ideas for you to deal with your depression, or to bother dealing with it at all. I am very sorry I haven't managed to help - but please don't give up hope. Here are some other web sites about depression. Take the time to read through a few of those - they have different perspectives on depression and how to deal with it - one that might help you. But don't give up.

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"If you dream of a world in which you can put your partner's picture on your desk,
then put his picture on your desk and you will live in such a world.

And if you dream of a world in which you can walk down the street
holding your partner's hand,
then hold her hand and you will live in such a world.

If you dream of a world in which there are more openly gay elected officials,
then run for office and you will live in such a world.

And if you dream of a world in which you can take your
partner to the office party,
even if your office is the U.S. House of Representatives,
then take her to the party.

I do, and now I live in such a world.

Remember, there are two things that keep us oppressed:
THEM and US.

We are half of the equation.

There will not be a magic day when we wake up and it's now
OK to express ourselves publicly.
We must make that day ourselves, by speaking out publicly --
first in small numbers,
then in greater numbers,
until it's simply the way things are and no one thinks twice.

Never doubt that we will create this world, because, my friends,
we are fortunate to live in a democracy,
and in a democracy, WE decide what's possible."

U.S. Representative (and out lesbian) Tammy Baldwin, D-Wisconsin, speaking from the stage of the Millennium March on Washington.

 

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Many gay men and gay teenagers find themselves in a difficult situation; to tell or not to tell.

There is pain involved in the decision to remain quiet about being gay. Most of all, there's the struggle in accepting yourself. On the other hand, if you decide to tell others, there's the question of being supported and accepted or maybe being rejected by those who mean the most to you.

It is often a shock for parents to find out that their child is homosexual. Whether you are a mother or a father, whether you have a son or a daughter, whether you long suspected something of the kind, or were completely surprised, finding out for sure can be a shock. The same goes for friends.

In this section

I've included a "coming out guide" to help you with your decision. And below are coming out stories from others. Sharing the experience can be very helpful and empowering. Reading the coming out stories can be enlightening and thought-provoking.

Coming Out Stories

The decision on whether or not to come out can be huge. Read these coming out stories from other gay teens. Hopefully you'll get some insight.

Steve:

I told my mom and my sister I was gay when I was 16 years old. I'm from a smaller city in Pennsylvania, and the bigotry there was really horrible at the time. I didn't know anybody else who was gay, and after they heard the news, my mom and sis refused to talk to me for the next six or so months. They would call me names, make fun of me, and try to convince me I wasn't gay. It wasn't until I was 18, and told most of my other friends and relatives, that I realized the love that comes from total acceptance. However, I have never regretted being true to myself. All my other successes in life have come from that most difficult of decisions in my life's journey. It's my proudest moment. I've traveled all over the world: China, Japan, Bolivia, Mexico. I've made wonderful friends, had great relationships, and had a very rich life (I'm 21 and living in Beijing China right now). I know I would not be where I am today if I didn't take that courageous first step and start to fully love myself. I know the pain that comes from having to lie to those you love, the stress that comes from having to pretend to be someone you aren't. Those memories seem so so distant today, but seemed so insurmountable when I was a teenager. I am a great listener and would love to talk to you if you are dealing with gay related problems, if you're feeling sad, need advice, or want to hear how I've gotten to where I am today. I really want to give back to the gay community, to all of us who just want to be who we are, love, and be loved. I look forward to talking with you soon on MSN or through email. I wish you the peace and the love that comes from defying the darkness and embracing the truth. The truth will set us free.

Kacie

My name is Kacie and I am 15 yrs old. It all started when I was 12 yrs old. I started to realize my attraction to girls instead of boys like I was "suppose" to and I fell madly in love with my best friend Tracy. After awhile, I went to my aunt who was gay as well and asked her what to do. She told me not to tell Tracy and that I could just scare her off. Well, I listened to her for about a year but during the summer I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't look her in the eyes and keep hiding this from her. So I called her over my house and I broke down and told her. At first she was shocked but told me nothing could happen between us. but she seemed pretty cool about it. But afterwards, we just kept drifting farther and farther apart. Finally, on my 13th birthday, she called me and told me she couldn't be my friend anymore. (that was my wonderful bday present from her) After that day, she stopped returning my phone calls and emails. It absolutely killed me to lose her like that and I turned to my best friend at the time to pick up the pieces. After about 2 months of becoming real close, we crossed the line from friendship to lovers. She became my first girlfriend. We dated for 3 months. She was my first for just about everything, but after 3 months of being together she called me and told me that she cheated on me with a guy. The guy was freaking 22 yrs old. He later went to jail and she also called to tell me that she was pregnant. She then had the nerve to ask me to stick around for the kid. I lost it. I was 13 years old and she was only 15. There was no way I was taking care of her kid and I told her to take a hike and wished her a good life but it tore me apart to do that. It took everything I had to let go of her. I was still in the closet to all of my family except my aunt and all of my friends so no one knew what I was going through and how much I was really hurting inside and I refused to let them see that. I just couldn't take the pain that I was feeling at the time, so I started to cut myself - but never enough to bleed and then one night I decided that this was it I was done with life. I had nothing to live for. I lost all of my friends when I lost my girlfriend. People were saying things behind my back, rumors were flying around the school about me because of my old friend Tracy and my ex-girlfriend. So I decided August 23, 2003 would be my last day here on this earth. I had it all planned out. I had the note written and everything, but that night I ended up seeing my hero, Terri Clark, in concert instead and that night she made me change my mind about killing myself. She showed me that night that it was okay to be me and that it didn't matter what other people said and she gave me the strength to carry on. Still, to this day, when I have a bad day, I turn to her music to pull me through. I am now completely out to my school and to my family. Some of my family doesn't like it, but I don't really care. I lost most of my friends that I did have but I have made new ones that have stood by me since the day we became friends. I am now in the process of fighting for a Gay Students Association all because one teacher reached out and showed me I wasn't alone and she gave me the strength to fight for what I believed in and she showed me that I could grow up and lead a happy life as a lesbian and she is one of my biggest role models. My gay friends in my school have been helping me to start the GSA but we are sure the fight has just begun and we know this will not be an easy fight to win. We live in a extremely homophobic town as I had to learn the hard way. I am now banned from seeing my best friend because I am gay and I am looked down upon by most parents in my town when I use to be the most loved kid by all parents -- all because I have become the spokesperson for the GSA. But I am happier than I have ever been even though I am picked on, looked down upon, and banned from seeing some of my friends. In my mind, I am at least being myself but being yourself always has some consequences.

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Andrew

Comments - Hello, my name is Andrew and I'm 16 years old and a homoseuxal. I came out in the beginning of May of last year. I encourage all of those who are still in the closet to do so, although it may be hard for some. There is really nothing to fear, except rejection from your family or friends. And although that sometimes happens any many cases, it's not always the story. My family and friends still love me for me and accept it. It's who I am. I felt so relieved after coming out and I'm able to be myself. The feeling is amazing. I've also made so many new friends from the experience. Just remember that you're still their child and they'll love you no matter what. And they might not even be that surprised, being that mine weren't since they have always known...it was a little obvious. So be gay and proud! Don't let what people say or think about you effect how you feel about yourself. There is nothing wrong with it, it is who you are. Love knows no gender.

Ali

Comments - it's not hard for me to be open about my bisexuality, because i am fortunate enough to have liberal parents, and amazing friends. But sometimes I have to wonder, are they really taking me seriously? I've noticed that many people assume when a girl says that she is bi, that they seem to think she is only referring to sex, or is not SERIOUSLY "gay". I find that incredibly wrong. Bisexuality is a form of homosexuality, and bisexual's are put through the same ridicule. But the point doesn't seem to get across! I am not a straight girl interested in sleeping with women... I'm not a lesbian interested in sleeping with men... I am a human being, just like any other, and I am bisexual, which to me, means that I don't see gender in a relationship, I see a heart. Bisexuality is not a porn term, it is a love of all human beings. It took me long enough to come to my conclusion, and all I want is for others to hear it.

 

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Introduction

Bruce traveled from Florida to the Grand Canyon where,
at No Name Point, a 450-foot jump put an end to his life.
A short note identified the reason for his death:

Bruce's Suicide Note

Dear Family and Friends,

I'm sorry it had to end this way but it was my fate. I couldn't handle life anymore. You see, the reason I ran away before to commit suicide is the same reason I did again. I'm gay. I never wanted to be and I always wished it would change, but it didn't.

I wanted to live a normal life but God created me this way for some reason and there was nothing I could do to change it. I was born this way. Believe me, I would not choose this way of life for I know how hard and unaccepted it is.

I'm painfully sorry you all had to deal with this, but I couldn't deal with it. This way, I could live a peaceful afterlife instead of a life of fear, agony, and manic depressiveness.

Please realize, I did not want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to end my own pain. I love you all dearly and will someday see you all again hopefully with your understanding hearts and souls. I just hope God will bring me to heaven.

Love always and eternally,
Bruce

If you haven't read it already, here is a letter from Bruce's mother to him --
post-mortem.

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Introduction

Bruce's suicide note was a shocking testament to the horrible truth he was forever lost to us and had silently suffered years of painful confusion. A simple explanation he was gay and he was committing suicide. He wrote it for our understanding and to say good-bye with love, but reading it was like drinking acid. As keeping his homosexuality a secret became his poison, his suicide has become mine. You don't lose someone like Bruce without losing a great part of yourself.

I'd never imagined before Bruce's death; how losing someone could go beyond what I'd experienced in losing my father. I thought I'd felt the deepest grief and sense of loss I could ever know. But as much as it left an empty place in my heart, I accepted it. We prepare all our lives for our parent's demise, and usually suffer the loss over and over in our minds before it even happens. We think about it, we dread it, we realize it's as inevitable as our own deaths. So there is some mental preparation and natural understanding that each generation has its time. Of course, not always. People die young, many have, but not for me, not till Bruce.

Losing your child hasn't a drop of anything "natural" to it. Nature builds in this need to nurture and protect your children. They hurt, you hurt. Their pains, their sorrows, their well-being, you feel with them like no other person you love. Whatever happens to them, happens to you. Then there's the matter of how you lose your child. Suicide is devastating. There's nothing "natural" about it. It's not the result of the body breaking down by disease, it's not an untimely accident even. When it's a choice a person makes to end their human existence, to escape from seemingly unsolvable problems, then it's a mistake.

Now, seven years later, I begin Bruce's story with a letter that I hope reaches him, wherever he is somehow.

September, 1999

My Dearest Bruce,

I know you had to be in the deepest kind of pain to do what you did. You went so far away from all of us to a place you knew someone else would find you eventually. I know you planned it that way to spare any of us who loved you from finding you ourselves. I still get sick inside when I remember. So horrible, so all alone. Your beautiful face and tall, lean body was found smashed, broken and decaying on a precipice 450 feet below in the loneliness of the enormous Grand Canyon. My heart still breaks when I think of you and your tragic end, dearest child of mine.

You had to hate yourself to do that, had to be so lost in despair and hopelessness. I am so sorry, so sorry, my child, that I couldn't help you or save you, that I didn't see through the pretense you were living, and that I believed you were all right. What happened to you is my greatest and deepest sorrow.

I am haunted by the helplessness I've felt since then. Had you been murdered by someone else, or had an illness or accident take you, there would have been something tangible to blame for your death, something that could free my mind of the torment I've experienced. But suicide? How does a mother make peace with her child's suicide? And because your pain drove you to it, how, then, can I be angry with you, the murderer of my own son being the same?

Driven to it in your helplessness to do anything else? When I think of you alive, I remember how proud I always was, and still am, that you were such a wonderful human being besides a considerate and loving son. It wasn't just me who adored you, others also thought so highly of you, sincerely said what a great kid you were! That you were who you were, makes your loss so hard to bear, even now.

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You destroyed our future when you destroyed your own. How did you ever think we "could handle it" better than you could? You were suffering, yes, but you had no idea what suicide does to the victims who are left behind as you were immersed so in your own pain. Our lives have been scarred with the worst kind of loss, guilt and regret that doesn't quite ever heal. Yet how can I be angry with you for doing it when you were hurting so much? I simply still can't.

Your letter exposed a tortured, depressed state of mind to which no one was privy, the weight of your secret bearing down so heavily on you. It's still so hard to understand that your being gay was the cause of your suicide. So what!! As your reason, it's made your death even more tragic.

My dear, dear Bruce, we didn't know, we didn't see! No one knew what was devouring your spirit, or understood the seriousness of your bouts with depression. Please forgive us all for being so blind. Not long ago, I read a sad story where a gay teen wrote he was "waiting for his mother to ask him if he was gay," because he couldn't bring himself to say it. They were very close and he believed she must have known, must have understood, so he took her silence to mean her disapproval. That wasn't the case, she actually had no idea, but it was "what he believed".

It made me wonder were you waiting for me to ask you if you were gay? Or did you think I knew, but disapproved? That possibility now hits me like a ton of bricks! If that's what you thought, then all the more your sorrow and mine, and I'm so sorry if I let you down, but I didn't know! I live with so much regret, my son. You suffered from a dreaded secret that destroyed you.

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I can understand your fear in coming out, but not the decision you chose through that fear. It isn't logical that it had to end the way it did, not to me. It had to originate from outside your self, and you took all the hatred, fear and misconceptions that belonged to others and turned it inward, poisoning your own mind and spirit. And like the disease "hatred" is, it destroyed you.

Sadly, you weren't exposed to an open, healthy outlook on gay sexuality to help bring you to self-acceptance. The small city you were raised in was not liberal minded like Toronto. Granted, homosexuality was not visible, but your best friend had a gay big brother who came out, and Tony and I had gay friends, and you knew they were loved and respected. So why were you afraid to at least trust me?

I can tell you now it doesn't matter to me who you want to love, but now is too late. Bruce, even when you did explain in your note, it was already too late! You didn't get it, Bruce. You didn't get that I valued and loved all the parts of you and always would, no matter what. The love didn't come with conditions if you were this, if you were that, if you did this, if you did that price tag. You were my kid. It wouldn't have made any difference to me! I would've stood by you no matter what!

It just kills me that you didn't know that! Or maybe I didn't matter at all in this! Maybe the truth is just as you said you couldn't deal with it. But that's because you couldn't share your feelings and fears. Being all alone in a private war with yourself, I can understand that you believed dying would relieve you of your battle. But it's such a shame you could forsake your life based on not finding yourself a heterosexual. You didn't chance anyone else's condemnation Bruce; you condemned yourself.

What you wrote to us all tells volumes about your caring, love and sensitivity for all those you loved. All those words straight from your heart trying to make it all right. No blame or hatred, no lashing out just a sad reflection of your situation with hope for our understanding and God's acceptance. Your gentle soul shines through your words and the beauty of who you were make your loss even more horrific for me.

I still feel sick whenever I remember that night in Flagstaff when I read it for the first time and realized you were dead. So devastating to know you were gone forever, that it was no longer a fear in the back of my mind, but an excruciating reality. Disbelief even in the face of proof! I can only recall the pain of that moment and the days and months that followed; I cannot describe it adequately. Adding to the pain of losing you, I suffer yours over and over again since I've come to know the little you told, with so much still a great puzzle that plagues me and haunt my days.

The most contradictory aspect of your humanity lies in the fact that you were so nonjudgmental in your love of others, yet you judged yourself so harshly. You poured out caring and understanding and inwardly battered yourself. How terrible it must have been for you to feel you could not share your own pain with anyone.

You obviously feared rejection, and this pains me still. If there is someone out there who knew the reason for the crisis you were going through, they never said. You said in your note that we would be able to deal with it better than you could. Bruce, you neither realized what you meant to us, nor could you have understood the impact your suicide would have on us.

While you took control of your life and exercised a choice, we've been left helpless to do nothing other than accept your horrible decision to die. It's the bitterest pill we've had to swallow. Knowing everything too late to help to offer love to keep you alive. Everything changed with your death, Bruce. All of us, in different ways, are affected.

Learning about your hidden truths made me realize how little we really know about the people we love in our lives, no matter how close to us, and that is very frightening to me. I was cheated of truly knowing you, my own son, and we can only know what someone is willing to share. And the ironic thing is that I always believed I knew you so well because you told me more about yourself than your brothers ever did, openly voiced your hurts and disappointments when you were growing up. You were such an expressive individual, not given to bottling up your feelings. You were a wonderful communicator, and an attentive listener. And I loved that you would talk with me so much.

Unfortunately, it lulled me into believing I knew "where you were at" with yourself and life in general. So I worried less about your well being, and it turns out, you were the one in real trouble. Things are not always as they seem, are they?

I remember too, how you could talk your way around me to make me see and understand what you wanted. I could be dead set against something, and if you were committed to an idea you would talk and talk, until I was convinced you knew what was best for you, and I'd give in to your logic. You had such firm convictions, that I respected your judgment on matters affecting your life, your future. I also trusted your word. I'd always believed you, Bruce, and you earned my respect as you grew into adulthood. I know now that the negative feelings and mood swings you were having over the last year of your life weren't normal growing pains with the usual confusion that comes with being a young adult having to make life decisions.

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Were you hoping we'd find you and stop you? I will never know any of your thoughts other than what you wrote to us. All else is still a mystery and we will never know it all, not in this life anyway.

Sometimes, when I think of your journey, I imagine different scenarios as you drove to your final destination. I imagine you're determined and sure; I imagine you're confused and unsure but unable to turn back and have to explain; I imagine you're wondering why no one is stopping you from doing this at all! I torture myself sometimes thinking you may have thought we didn't care enough to find you in time.

All the days of your journey there, Bruce, we went crazy trying to find you, praying for your safety and waiting for your phone call to tell us where you were and that you were okay. After your abandoned car was discovered nine days later, it took three more days to find you, or what was left of you-- your lifeless, broken body that was so badly decaying they would not let me see you.

I begged, Bruce! I pleaded! I demanded that it was my right to hold you, kiss you good-bye, one last time, but they kept saying "No" with a myriad of reasons they felt were in my best interest. They were so emphatic, so unswerving, that I eventually became apprehensive and scared and gave up. But their deciding for me, invalidated me as a mother who had the right to see her son's remains and say good-bye to more than the air, crying out my love and prayers for your peace to the heavens, having you just disappear from my eyes forever. I know they were reacting to my overwrought emotional state and doing what they believed best for me at that point. But they were wrong. It was wrong.

I should have just crashed through those doors to you, instead of giving up. You were my own child, so much a part of me, and then you're suddenly dead. And I'm expected to hear the facts from strangers and turn around and just go back home! To them, it was over for me, it was just the beginning of my life without you in it, traumatic and unreal. There was no closure for me. And the most frustrating thing was that you were just on the other side of the door, just yards away. But no one was listening to me. I felt very much alone in it all and it was a bitter experience.

I begged for something to connect with you, and they cut a piece of your T-shirt, washed it and gave it to me. It was one of your own tie-dyes, turquoise and purple. I shared little pieces of it with the family like they do with relics from a saint. And until your ashes were shipped to me, it was all we had to make it real.

Months later, I requested all the police and coroner reports and the few personal effects they still had at the police station. I read everything trying to reclaim a connection to you and your final hours. I felt driven to know everything I could to be a part to understand to experience. I needed to go through that process desperately. All your essence and all my memories are deep inside of me and will be forever. I needed to connect the dots and fill in as many blanks as I could, like trying to solve a mystery. Of course, so many parts are still missing, but I have come to terms with that and accept what I'll never know and that I cannot change the past.

I believe we are all in some way responsible for yours and countless others deaths from the homophobic attitudes that our society in general embraces, to my own failure to have provided a proper sexual education beyond the boundaries of heterosexual love; and including detrimental comments or jokes you would have been exposed to by those you knew, who did not know they were affecting you. And yet, it could've had the opposite effect. You might have loved yourself enough anyway to come out fighting and not giving a damn how people reacted to you. At your age, though, usually what others think of us is how we think of ourselves because we see ourselves through other's eyes. I just keep wishing you didn't give a damn, Bruce.

Bruce, you would've had all the people who truly counted behind you. I know you never felt this way about yourself, but you were truly wonderful and totally lovable. Oh why could you not tell someone?

I try and try to understand your reasoning and decision, but I can't help but think if you had come out, talked about your feelings and fears, and understood our love was unconditional, I think that you would have accepted yourself. We could've faced any obstacles together. But keeping it locked up inside like that, you had no support, no one to dispel your imagined worries or understand your concerns.

You know, Bruce, I've heard more than once from helping professionals that no one could have changed your mind if you were determined to die. Well, I guess that's true given that we didn't know what was going on in your mind. But if only I'd sensed what it was strongly enough to speak to you, I believe you'd still be alive. I regret not having more insight. I believe you would have wanted to go on living if you knew all the people you cared about said: "So what. Big deal. It doesn't matter to us, we love you and nothing can change that." I believe that we all could've made a difference, Bruce. Knowing you, knowing how very much like me you were, I believe that.

Just twenty-one, you'd hardly tasted life. All the human experiences that are beautiful, joyful, enriching, so many opportunities to grow and experience whatever you desired, all impossible now.

There are no words to adequately express how very much I miss you.

Sometimes, I look up at the sky and imagine you're out there somewhere, surrounded by all love in the universe, feeling the inner peace you so fervently longed for in your human life. Another dimension, but close to me. I look for you in my dreams. I feel you in the awesome beauty of nature sky, water, trees, flowers, birds flying free your spirit is everywhere lovely. I am so grateful for having had you for any time at all.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mom, dearest Bruce, for all the love and caring your generous, gentle heart gave so well to me. I'm so proud to have been your mom. You brought me great joy, and I thank you for all the times you made me feel so loved and special and important to you. Every tender moment, your warmth, smiles, hugs and kisses, the laughter and fun treasured! All the precious cards you wrote so touchingly cherished! No matter where you are, in whatever form, in whatever dimension, you're here in my heart for me. Be at peace in the light and wait for me.

Bruce and his mom

Spirit, boundless and free
Part of the universe
A star in the night
Forever a part of God's mystical plan

With all my love forever,
Mom

Roz Michaels

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next: A Price Too High
~ all gay is ok! articles
~ all articles on gender

Gay is OK! - How many lives before they learn?

Growing up gay in a small town

Have you ever lived in a really small town? You could apply the old joke: Our town was soooo small, you had to leave the state to change your mind. And isolated? A hundred or more miles of twisty roads dotted with speed traps to get to anything larger. How small was it? Well I was in high school before I ever saw a TV or a pizza, and I never saw a black person until a trip out of state. Such isolation must be rare these days; things have changed over the years, it's no longer easy to be isolated; now I talk to people all over the world every day.

Such isolation is what formed my attitudes about the world and 'how things should be'. I am still trying to recover. In our family, the word 'gay' was never said, or even referred to obliquely, the subject just didn't exist. Outside the home, you rarely heard even a bad joke or insult about gays, the Jews kept a low profile, other races didn't exist. I knew that somehow I was different, but kept making excuses, fooling myself. Being personally isolated from my age group, I had bouts of depression, and even a brush with suicide. Is it any wonder that I couldn't come out, even to myself, until I got out of there? Even in college, when I actually started to run into an occasional gay, my reaction was inappropriate, based on fear of entrapment and ignorance of what gay really means. The bulk of the American public still wallows in this ignorance. What woke me up was buying a computer, and the discovery of gay sites on the web. But I feel that had I been allowed to know and accept myself from the start, things would have come out very differently.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is what was wrong there, and still is in many communities, whether geographically or self-isolated: One race, one religion, one language, one "right way" all adds up to a tendency for a community to be narrow-minded, bigoted and self-riteous. Tolerance, by which I mean accepting other people's ways as being just as good, though different, is what we have to learn. Sadly, there are too many people, even in places of power, who refuse to learn this lesson. If you are a teen in such a place, get out of there. Go to a distant college or jobsite, travel Europe if possible, meet people, learn new attitudes. We are all just people, after all.

 

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next: Coming Out - For Gay Teenagers
~ all gay is ok! articles
~ all articles on gender

Suicide is a tough topic to talk about. That's why many people don't talk about it.

One of the myths about suicide is: if you ask someone about their suicidal intentions, you will only encourage them to kill themselves. Actually, the opposite is true. Asking someone directly about their suicidal intentions will often lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior by encouraging the ventilation of pent-up emotions through a frank discussion of his problems.

There are 2 types of suicide stories on this site:

1. Left Behind. Stories and letters from parents, relatives, and close friends of those gay teens who committed suicide.
2. A Price Too High. News articles, obituaries and other accounts of gay teenagers who committed suicide.

 

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next: A Suicide Note From Bruce David Ciniello
~ all gay is ok! articles
~ all articles on gender

A Guide For Gay and Bisexual Men

This guide has been written for gay and bisexual men of all ages who are thinking of coming out. We know that making the decision to come out can be scary and stressful. It is for these reasons and because of our work as gay men's health workers that we put together this guide. We believe that useful information and other people's experiences of coming out can help to prepare you for some of the consequences that coming out to family and friends may bring.

Coming out is different for every person. We have tried to answer some of the questions that we are regularly asked, although in reality, this guide is likely to prompt more questions than it answers, but we hope it will help you during this time.

Remember - there is always someone you can talk to. There are many organisations that can help with your questions and concerns about being gay or coming out and we have listed some of them on the information page of this guide.

This guide has been written with the United Kingdom in mind, please remember if you live outside the UK that some of the information will not apply to where you live. For example, in some countries being homosexual is still illegal, or attitudes towards being gay or bisexual can be so severe that coming out is not safe. Use the web to look for more information about how things are where you live.

Good Luck!

Douglas Newberry and Mark Rendell

What Does Being Gay Mean

In simple terms, being gay means that you are sexually attracted to members of your own sex and that you identify with other gay people or the larger gay community. Sexuality is a term used to describe a whole range of feelings, desires and actions relating to sex.

Why Am I Gay?

Nobody knows for sure why some of us are gay and some of us are not. Lots of theories have been put forward ranging from genetic differences to overbearing parents. The evidence so far suggests that random genetic factors play a part in determining our sexuality in the same way they play a part in determining, for example, lefthandedness.

One thing we do know is that no-one chooses their sexuality. Some gay people knew they were different, if not gay, from as young as five or six. It is said that, for most of us, our sexuality is determined by the age of 12 or 13 and probably 16 at the latest. By and large, society tends to assume that everyone is, or wants to be, heterosexual. This is known as heterosexism. Some people continue to believe that it is a choice and that we can be persuaded into heterosexuality. By assuming heterosexuality, society gives rise to the dilemma, for those of us who know we are gay, of whether to hide our sexuality or to come out - with all that this entails.

There have been small but perceptible changes in the way British society views homosexuality, but there is a long way to go before it will accept us in the same way as it does people who are, say, lefthanded. This has more to do with society's hang-ups around sex and sexuality than individual gay people. Often, once people know someone who is gay, their prejudices and fears about homosexuality disappear all together.

Growing Up Gay

For many young gay or bisexual people, adolescence can be a time of particular anxiety and fear. Many lesbians and gay men look back on this part of their lives with sadness and regret. There are very few positive gay role models and a lot of hostility towards openly gay people. Gay teenagers often become painfully aware that they are not like other people and many become withdrawn and lonely, convinced that only they are feeling this way. They learn to hide their true feelings or act as others want them to, for fear of being ostracised, ridiculed or rejected by loved ones and friends.

Above all, there can be a sense that we are somehow different, that we are abnormal and that we are going to disappoint people.

Some people believe that if they get married their gay feelings will disappear. It is unusual for this to happen. Most store up a great deal of stress and anxiety for their later years. Coming out as a gay parent has particular challenges. Breaking out of a clearly defined role, or even attempting to shift the definition of it, involves tremendous courage and strength. The conflict between their relationship with their spouse and family and their need to be themselves can be enormous.

Coming Out

There are several stages in the process of coming out. It's your life so take your time - do things for you and only when you are ready.

Coming Out To Yourself

Acknowledging that you are gay can take many years. Some of us probably hoped these feelings were "just a phase". In time, we realise that these feelings are not just a phase and we have to find a way of accepting them and dealing with the fact that we are sexually attracted to members of our own sex.

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This realisation is the first stage of coming out. There is no hard and fast rule when this point is reached. For some it happens in their teens, for others it may happen much later in life.

Some people describe this time of accepting their sexuality as though they were riding an emotional rollercoaster. One day they felt happy and confident and ready to tell everyone; the next they felt confused, scared and relieved that they hadn't. You may want to talk to someone who understands what this is like. We have included details of a number of organisations in the United Kingdom that can help on the GMHP Directory.

So You Still Want To Come Out

This is a nerve racking time - the fear of rejection is likely to be immense. Bear in mind that there are many ways to tell someone that you are gay.

It may be helpful to ask yourself some of the questions that come up later in this guide, as it is more than likely that others will ask you them at some point. Don't rehearse your answers but think of your reasons - it will make you and your discussions stronger and more assured.

Coming Out To Others

The next stage involves going public in some way, of "coming out of the closet". Who you tell next is really up to you. You may decide to tell your best friend or a member of your family.

Remember, once you have told someone about your sexuality it can become known to others within a short period. This is human nature and there is very little you can do to prevent this. If you are resolved to deal with any negativity that this disclosure may bring, you will be sufficiently prepared for it.

Why Do I Want To Come Out

This is the most important question to ask yourself. If you answer something like: "Because I'm proud of who I am" or "It is impossible to become a fully happy human being if my sexuality remains suppressed" or "I want to meet other gay people" then these are good reasons. Think very carefully if your reasoning is to hurt or shock people. Often the person who gets hurt will be you.

Who Should I Tell

Many gay people describe how important it is to first tell someone outside the family. Make sure it's someone you trust and who you believe to be open minded and supportive. Be careful if you decide to confide in a teacher at school - they may be obliged to tell someone else what you have told them. Find out the school policy on confidentiality before you go ahead.

If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them for help to approach the other. Sometimes brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to understand more about homosexuality or bisexuality. Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your family is to become closer to them.

There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say: "How can you be sure?", "I went through a phase like this at your age", "You'll grow out of it", "You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex" and "How can you know at your age?"

We have listed them here because they may help you to think of your answers to them. You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a trusted friend or a lesbian and gay helpline or switchboard. See the GMHP Directory for details.

Support For Your Family

This can be a traumatic time for some members of your family. You may feel unable to answer all their questions or to deal with all of the issues that come up for them. They, in turn, may not feel comfortable talking about homosexuality or bisexuality with you. There are several organisations that offer support to parents who are coming to terms with their sons' and daughters' sexuality. Acceptance produces booklets written for parents - you can request copies from the address given on the GMHP Directory national organisations page.

This can be a difficult time if your happiness is dependent to some degree on your family's reaction. If this is the case for you, we would advise that you talk it over with someone who has been through it already - perhaps your local gay switchboard or helpline.

How Should I Tell Them

There is no rule that says you have to sit down and talk to others about this, there are other ways.

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You might like to write to them first and give them time to react in their own way. This is probably a better approach if, for example, you live a long way from your family or friends. Remember that you have probably taken a long time to get used to the idea yourself and others might need the same amount of time. Writing a letter allows you to take your time and to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the person you are writing to space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you. This could be a useful approach if you are expecting a very hostile or negative reaction.

If you decide to talk face to face, remember not to rush it or to do it when one of you is in a hurry or distracted. It probably won't help to memorise a script either - you can guarantee that some people do not respond in a predictable manner. If you are worried about their reaction, tell them of your fears and that you don't want to hurt them but need to be honest with them. Remember to listen to what they have to say - it should be along the lines of a chat, not a speech!

When Should I Tell Them

When it comes to coming out, timing is an important consideration. Choose the moment carefully - do it when you (and they) have lots of time - not last thing at night when you are likely to be more tired and emotional.

Think about the way you are feeling, allowing for nerves, which are perfectly natural under the circumstances, don't do it if you are feeling angry or emotionally sensitive - this will affect what you say and how you say it. For obvious reasons, don't do it when you are drunk (even if you think you need a drink to steady your nerves).

And remember - only when you are good and ready. A friend once said that he knew he was ready to tell his family only when he realised that, if he had to, he could live without their support. Fortunately for him (and his family), this didn't happen.

Consequences and Reactions

So you've told someone. You are either balancing on the edge of an erupting volcano or dancing with joy on the moon (or both!). Some people describe a huge weight being lifted from their shoulders, of feeling euphoric and giggly and childlike again.

Don't feel guilty about it - go on and enjoy yourself, you deserve it. The thrill of revealing something long kept hidden can give a tremendous sense of relief.

Use this new found energy wisely and remember that close friends and family may be worried that you have changed out of all recognition. Reassure them that you have changed - and for the better and that you are simply exploring a new, more complete you.

Most people will experience many positive reactions. For example, "We're so pleased you could tell us" or "Well we had already guessed and were just waiting for you to say something". Some gay people have also met with the response, "So am I".

"My parents refused to talk about it. They dismissed it and said they didn't want the subject brought up again. I decided that I was going to continue to live my life as a gay man. I stopped going home as often as I used to and attending family occasions. It is only now, three years later, that they have begun to broach the subject with me."

If it hasn't gone too well - don't lose heart. Time is a great healer and things will get better. If you are experiencing rejection from some close friends, ask yourself if they were really so close that they couldn't support you through this. If your family is reacting badly, this is in all probability, normal. They may be experiencing a whole range of emotions including shock, grief, guilt, blame, disappointment and lots of pain.

"My family say that they accept that I am gay but they don't want to see me being affectionate with another man. They say that they won't be able to cope with it."

Remember how long it took for you to come to terms with being gay. Many parents will feel a loss in some way - perhaps of future grandchildren or weddings and other family gatherings. This can blur their happiness and their love for you.

"I was at a wedding recently and everyone was there with their partners. I was upset that I couldn't bring mine. Everyone asked the usual embarrassing questions about girlfriends and I just had to smile and make excuses. I didn't want to row with my family about it but it's just not fair."

At the end of the day, your parents are still your parents and, in time, few reject their children because they are gay.

"My dad said, "You're still my son and I'm proud of you." He'd been very homophobic up to then."

If they go quiet on you, give them time to react and the opportunity to think about what you have told them. If they ask lots of questions, it's a good sign. It may help to think of it as though it is in your interests to respond to them - they are likely to be the same ones that you have asked yourself many times along the way.

If things are so bad that you feel like giving up with the whole process of coming out, it's important to talk to someone about your fears and concerns. Again your local switchboard, helpline or Gay Men's Health Project can offer you support and guidance.

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It's probably better to persevere and keep going, after all, you have come this far and in many ways it would be difficult or impossible to go back now. The next person you talk to will probably give you a huge hug and say that they were relieved that you had found the courage to tell them and that they had suspected that something may have been on your mind for a long time.

Coming Out At Work

There are some circumstances where coming out could seriously affect your job security and promotion prospects. In some circumstances, being openly gay could be in contravention of the rules of the employer, for example the Armed Forces, probation services, some non-metropolitan police forces and prisons.

The Armed Forces

Because of changes in the law, this section of the coming out guide is not currently up to date ... we have therefore decided to remove it until a new version is written. However, if you work for the Armed Forces and you wish to seek the latest information, or need to talk to someone about your sexuality, contact a confidential service such as a local gay switchboard or talk to experienced counsellors at Rank Outsiders or At Ease (phone numbers on the GMHP Directory national information page).

Prisons

In some prisons where the prison culture is particularly homophobic, gay prisoners, including those on remand, risk harassment, abuse and violence. An address for Gay Rights in Prison appears on the GMHP Directory national organisations page.

Telling Your Doctor

It is worth mentioning, too, that if you disclose your sexuality to your general practitioner (doctor), they may record these details in your medical records. These medical records can be accessed by a range of organisations for many different purposes.

Meeting Other Gay People

There comes a time to stop talking and to get on with living your (new) life exactly how you want to. It's time to meet other gay and bisexual people and to explore your sexuality safely and confidently.

A common reaction to this statement, especially in rural areas is, "Fine - but where do I start?" Remember that being gay is about expressing yourself in the way YOU want to. Despite the stereotypes, there is no single way of being gay. We are all as different as any other group of people.

Going out with friends and meeting new ones at clubs or parties can be great. But the scene isn't for everybody and it's not everything there is to being gay. Most towns and cities have gay social groups and gay men's health projects. These can be excellent places to meet new people and to find out what there is to do locally and most will arrange to meet first time visitors beforehand.

As with any group of people, there will be some you get on with and some you won't. If you feel that you have little in common with the gay people you have met so far, you could try different ways of contacting more gay men, for example as pen pals, or through the many special interest gay groups (like gay men's choirs or gay football supporters networks) - look them up in Gay Times (available from some local newsagents or by subscription see the GMHP Directory).

Healthy Lives and ...

There's no doubt that having a positive attitude towards yourself goes a long way to keeping healthy. It's also important, in whatever you do, that you look after yourself and consider your actions in relation to others.

This is particularly useful advice when it comes to sex. Whether it's a relationship or a one night stand, sex with another man can feel great and should make us feel good about who we are. Sex with other men can be whatever you want it to be and it's important to be clear about what you do want to do and what you don't. As with anything, people have their likes and dislikes and it's important that you talk them over with your sexual partner.

...Safer Sex

In the United Kingdom, HIV (the virus that is believed to be the cause of AIDS) affects more gay men than any other group and this can make us anxious about sex. But once we know how we can protect ourselves and our partners, we can relax and enjoy ourselves. HIV cannot be passed on through wanking (masturbating), kissing, touching or hugging. The risk of transmitting HIV through oral sex (cock sucking) is believed to be very low but if either of you have cuts or sores in the mouth, you should use condoms (flavoured ones taste much better).

Anal sex (fucking), is the riskiest activity as far as transmitting HIV is concerned but by using suitable condoms and lubricant every time you fuck you can substantially reduce the risk. Suitable condoms for fucking are: Mates Superstrong, Durex UltraStrong, H.T. Special, GaySafe and Boy's Own. Of course, there is still a risk if the condom breaks, leaks or comes off. Lubricant is essential as it makes it safer and easier, so always use plenty of water based lube such as KY or Liquid Silk. Don't use oils, creams or lotions such as Vaseline or baby oil as they weaken the rubber in condoms in seconds.

You can obtain suitable condoms free of charge from Gay Men's Health Projects, some gay bars and clubs, Family Planning Clinics, some Youth Advisory Services and local GUM (Clap/VD/STD) clinics. Check the Yellow Pages for the clinic addresses if you are unsure where the nearest ones to you are.

While on the subject of sexually transmited diseases, it is worth mentioning that Hepatitis B is far more prevalent than HIV among gay men and it is much easier to become infected with it. The good news is that there is a vaccine against Hepatitis B and you can get vaccinated free of charge at your local GUM clinic.

For a confidential chat or for more information on any aspect of HIV, AIDS, safer sex or Hepatitis B, contact your local gay men's health project.

© 1994 - 2000 Salisbury Gay Men's Health Project Mid Hampshire Gay Men's Health Project.

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