Using coping skills for depression can be very effective, but battling depression is an active process that takes patience, practice, and persistence. Because depression impacts all facets of life—health, relationships, work, leisure, and more—it’s important to know what you need for the battle, the weapons you'll need for when you’re really depressed. Successfully battling depression requires proper weapons, or different coping skills for depression, that will help you conquer it.

Multiple Paths, Many Coping Skills for Depression

Something very important that you need in order to battle depression is openness and flexibility to try many different coping skills as well as a willingness to take many paths to get over depression. Depression is complex, and it takes multiple approaches from multiple fronts in order to conquer it (Self-Help for Depression: What Helps?).

The journey to a depression-free life can be divided into six different roads (Wright & McCray, 2012):

• The thoughts-and-actions path
• The biology path
• The relationship path
• The lifestyle path
• The spiritual path
• The mindfulness path

The article "Stop Being Depressed. Use These Self-Help Tools Now" examines important tools for use on the thoughts-and-actions path. The biology path involves medications. Having a conversation with your doctor about depression medication and whether it’s right for you will help you decide whether to travel down the biology path or take a detour.

Depression Coping Skills for the Paths to Wellness

The relationship path is about ending isolation and loneliness that are too frequently a part of depression. A few relationship-building coping skills include:

• To cope with depression, pick one person you feel comfortable with to confide in. Having someone to talk to safely about your experiences with depression helps the healing process; it’s powerful to know that someone else “gets it”.
• Commit to connecting to this person at least weekly, and more often if it’s practical.
• Reciprocate. Friendship is about giving and receiving, so make sure the other person feels heard, too.

The lifestyle path involves living fully. It’s about intentional choices made, starting right now, to use coping skills to create a quality life that you can enjoy. The lifestyle path involves using positive coping skills for depression, such as:

• Eating well for brain and body health
• Having a sleep routine so you feel energized during the day
• Balancing your life
• Seeking therapy
• Reading the best books on depression
• Exercising
• Journaling
• Engaging in pleasurable activities.

The spiritual path is about pulling yourself out of depression by connecting you to a deep sense of self and the world beyond you. It’s about feeling connected to something greater, whatever it is that you find deep and greater than yourself (Are Support Groups for Depression Really Helpful?). For some people, spirituality is a religion. For others, it might be nature or the universe. Spirituality isn’t a particular belief but instead is a way of thinking beyond yourself. Some specific coping skills on the spiritual path include

• Appreciating beauty by finding and admiring something you find delightful every day
• Broadening your perspective by considering things from different viewpoints
• Connecting with nature
• Avoiding burnout by stepping away and doing something that inspires a sense of awe
• Participating in your church, synagogue, mosque, or other places of worship

The mindfulness path involves being fully present in your life. Like the others, this one can begin immediately. You don’t have to be depression-free to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness has been shown to reduce depression by helping them learn to get out of the mind and into the real world. Mindfulness can involve

• Meditation
• Walking and experiencing the world fully
• Doing activities with your full attention, thinking about your senses rather than on the thoughts in your head

Coping skills for depression are many and varied. Attend to each of the different paths to wellness, use coping skills every day, and you’ll find that you’re winning the battle with depression (10 Things to Help with Depression).

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Support groups for depression, when done correctly, can be extremely helpful for people experiencing depression. By their very nature, depression support groups provide something essential for recovery: a social connection.

Depression causes isolation, loneliness, and despair, each feeding off the others in a downward spiral. Withdrawal from people and situations coupled with decreasing levels of activity keep people with depression away from positive experiences. Because they reestablish social connections and help people learn and use coping skills, support groups for depression are often quite helpful indeed.

Why are Support Groups for Depression Helpful?

Depression help groups bring people together, thus providing much-needed social connection. People gather to exchange stories, give and receive understanding, gain insights, and learn new coping skills for battling depression. These shared experiences create a sense of cohesiveness and belonging that are essential in overcoming depression.

Because most depression self-help groups meet on a regular schedule, they provide stability and routine and often become a commitment that people like to live up to. Because having a routine is good for depression recovery, a support group for depression is helpful in this way, too.

In The Depression Workbook: A Guide for Living with Depression & Manic Depression (2001), Copeland discusses the advantages of depression support groups. Through group discussion and shared experiences and sometimes educational programs and speakers, support groups for depression:

• Provide information and education
• Allow people a safe place to talk and listen
• Instill hope
• Let people know that they’re not alone
• Teach new coping skills and depression-beating tips
• Help people learn to control depression symptoms
• Inform people of local resources and services

Depression help groups bring people together for positive connections and growth. Not only do participants have a chance to share their own experiences and gain insights and new skills, but they also have a chance to reciprocate. Being able to both receive and give empathy, understanding, and insights creates meaningful social interaction and is another way people benefit from self-help groups for depression.

Depression Support Groups are Helpful When They’re Good

Not all support groups for depression are created equally. Poor-quality support groups at best don’t help people move forward, and at worst can do harm by keeping members stuck in their depression. Here’s how to spot a bad support group:

• The meetings are spent dwelling on problems
• A few people dominate the discussion, and the rest of the members hardly have a chance to speak up
• The leader gives orders and tries to run the group the way he/she wants to with little regard for the needs of the group as a whole
• The atmosphere of the group is neither supportive nor progress-focused

Any of the above features can be a warning sign that the group is potentially toxic. In contrast, high-quality support groups for depression:

• Treat all participants as equals and important members of the group
• Remain focused on finding solutions
• Have a non-judgmental, empathetic atmosphere that allows each member to give and take
• Works together to help everyone grow

A quality support group can have a positive impact on mental health and well-being.

How to Find a Support Group for Depression

Support groups for depression offer help and hope. If you’re interested in attending a depression help group in your community, there are places you can look to find information.

• NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness)
• DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance)
• Mental Health America
• Local mental health agencies
• Wellness centers
• The offices of doctors and/or therapists
• Hospitals
• Places of worship
• Newspapers

Self-help groups for depression can be very helpful in healing and recovery. Finding and attending a good support group can be a powerful way to get over depression.

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The definition of emotional abuse, types of emotional abuse, and what to do if you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching," or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10).

Types of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.

Aggressing

• Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
• Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships.

Denying

• Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that" "I don't know what you're talking about, " etc.
• Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
• Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own.

Minimizing

• Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.
• Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
• Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

Understanding Abusive Relationships

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints, and validate your own feelings and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically, abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings and self-perceptions.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, especially those with family members and other significant people, is a first step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an "abuser" in some instances and as a "recipient" in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, trying to "help" others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life.

Are You Abusive to Yourself?

Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I'm stupid" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Basic Rights in a Relationship

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

• The right to good will from the other.
• The right to emotional support.
• The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
• The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
• The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
• The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
• The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
• The right to live free from accusation and blame.
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
• The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
• The right to encouragement.
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
• The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
• The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

What Can You Do?

If you recognize yourself or your relationships in this article, you may wish to:

• Educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships. Two excellent resources include:
  1. Engle, Beverly, M.F.C.C. The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992.
  2. Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Holbrook, Massachusetts: Bob Adams, Inc., 1992.
• Consider seeing a mental health professional. A counselor can help you understand the impact of an emotionally abusive relationship. A counselor can also help you learn healthier ways of relating to others and caring for your own needs.

Recognize the signs of an abusive relationship, then learn what abuse victims and abusers can do to help themselves.

Relationship abuse occurs in epidemic proportions. Here are some recent statistics:

• One in three women experiences at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood.
• Young women ages 19-29 reported more violence by intimates than any other age group.
• In many states,  a majority of domestic violence victims are white.  Many have at least some college education and have household incomes of at least $35,000.

Although some relationships are mutually abusive, more frequently there is an imbalance of power in abusive relationships. While abuse may take the form of physical violence, abuse can also occur on an emotional and verbal level.

Signs of Abuse

• Persistent put-downs or statements that diminish one's worth or ability.
• Controlling behavior.
• Intense jealousy of friends, family, or other outside social contacts.
• Yelling, shouting, and intimidation.
• Interrogating one's partner about time spent apart from the relationship.
• Feeling threatened and intensifying the abuse when one's partner begins to move toward autonomy or independence, e.g., getting a better job, going back to school, making new friends, seeking counseling.
• Demanding or coercing sex when one's partner is not interested.
• Borrowing money without repaying it or taking things without asking and not returning them.
• Physical abuse or the threat of physical harm.

Individuals who abuse their partners sometimes abuse substances as well or display other addictive behavior.

While appearing to be powerful, abusive individuals are often very dependent upon their partners for their sense of self-esteem. Sometimes they expect their partners to take care of day-to-day tasks which most adults handle for themselves. Abusive partners often feel powerless in the larger world; the relationship may be the only place where they feel a sense of power. Attacking their partner's abilities or worth is one way that abusive individuals maintain a sense of power, esteem, and control. At a deep emotional level, abusers often feel that they are not good enough and fear abandonment. By keeping their partners in a diminished, fearful, or dependent state, they attempt to ensure that their partners will not leave them.

Steps for Abusers

If you have abused your partner physically or emotionally, the following steps may help you begin to change this pattern:

• When you start to feel angry, take a deep breath, focus on your body, and walk away from your partner. You can return once you've cooled down.
• Recognize that anger is usually a secondary emotion masking more vulnerable feelings. Try to recognize the fear and hurt that lie beneath the anger.
• Reflect upon the fact that your angry outbursts, while exerting a sense of control in the short term, may ultimately drive your partner away.
• Redirect your anger in a way that does not hurt other people, such as engaging in intense physical activity.
• Start keeping a journal. When you become angry, sit down with your journal and write down your thoughts and feelings.
• Allow yourself to question your assumptions and expectations of your partner. For instance, when you feel hurt, this may reflect your own vulnerabilities, rather than any attempt by your partner to hurt you.
• Recognize the need for help and seek it out. Talk to friends and others who can support your effort to change.
• Work with a counselor to learn how to express your feelings without hurting or belittling your partner.
• Join an anger management workshop or group.

Some Victim Responses to Abuse Include Enabling

Partners of abusive people might engage in "enabling" behavior. In essence, enabling behavior consists of taking care of the abusive partner, making excuses for him or her, and otherwise going along with the pattern of abuse. Enabling behavior may include the following:

• Denying that a problem exists or convincing oneself that in spite of all evidence to the contrary, things will get better.
• Maintaining a "front" to the outside world that everything is fine.
• Cleaning up after the abusive partner's messes or outbursts, e.g., intervening for them at work, apologizing for starting the fight, fixing broken doors and windows, putting on make-up to cover the bruises.
• Smoothing over or tiptoeing around conflict areas in order to stay out of harm's way and to maintain a sense of peace.
• Taking over everyday tasks that most adults do for themselves.

Enabling behavior is often a symptom of poor self-esteem. By taking care of one's partner physically or emotionally, one can feel needed or even loved. At a deeper level, a person who enables an abusive partner may feel that no one could love them for who they are, but only for what they can provide to others. This is why abusers often try to convince their partners that "no one else would want them." Enabling behavior not only traps one in an unhealthy, unsupportive relationship but keeps one's abusive partner in a dependent position as well. The point here is not to blame oneself, but to understand one's relationship patterns.

Positive Steps for Coping with An Abusive Relationship

• Maintain outside relationships and avoid isolation.
• Seek "reality checks" by talking to others if you suspect that your partner has been abusive.
• Learn about resources available to people in abusive relationships.
• Identify a "safe place" you can go to in an emergency if your partner becomes threatening or violent.
• Read self-help books about healthy and unhealthy relationships.
• Seek professional counseling or talk to someone you trust to help you sort through the issues that may be keeping you in an abusive relationship.
• Begin to develop a support system, so that if you choose to leave the relationship, you will not be alone.

Rather than dwelling on blaming yourself for what you've done in the past, focus on how you want to live from this day forward and then take steps to make this happen.

There are many myths about what makes a good romantic relationship. Unfortunately, many lead to relationship hell.

Sometimes people struggle with beliefs they have formed about how, when and with whom they should form a romantic relationship. Many people feel the need or urge to act on impressions they have formed from popular media and friends about relationships, and many times this leads to the frustration and disappointment of an unhealthy relationship. So, we all may need a relationship reality check from time-to-time.

Here is a list of some common myths:

• There is one and only one right person in the world for you to commit to or marry.
• Until a person finds the perfect person to commit to, he or she should not be satisfied.
• You should feel totally competent as a future spouse or partner before you decide to marry or commit.
• Fighting or arguing means the relationship won't work.
• You can be happy with anyone you choose to commit to if you try hard enough.
• You won't be desirable to men or women unless you have sex with them.
• You should choose someone to commit to whose personal characteristics are opposite from or similar to your own.
• Being in love with someone is a sufficient reason to commit to that person.
• Your partner should just understand you without you having to communicate to him or her.
• Choosing someone to commit to is a "decision of the heart".
• Living together will prepare you for marriage and improve your chances of being happily married.
• Choosing a mate should be easy.
• There is nothing more you can do to find a mate.
• Preparing for commitment or marriage "just comes naturally".
• We know practically nothing about what predicts a happy partnership or marriage, so just take your chances.

If you are laboring under these or other myths and would like assistance, counseling may help.

Discover what makes a relationship unhealthy and the impact an unhealthy relationship has on a person.

Relationships are something we have from the moment we are born until we die. Healthy or unhealthy, our relationships begin with our parents, families, schoolmates, friends and so on. Every one of these relationships can help us, enrich us, and make us better people as well as simply give us joy. Unhealthy relationships rarely promote any of these feelings.

Unhealthy relationships can leave us feeling uncomfortable, sad and afraid. It is very difficult for people to let the realization set in that perhaps a friend, co-worker or family member isn't treating them well or respectful, as they should be. It can be even more difficult when the person treating them this way is a lover.

This doesn't mean if someone treats you badly or you have a disagreement that the relationship is automatically unhealthy. Disagreements happen in healthy relationships all the time. Most often what makes a relationship healthy is the need and the act of compromising when disagreements occur.

Control and Abuse

The unhealthy relationship is marred by a need to control one or the other. When arguments happen, a person is always made to feel bad about themselves; when ridicule and name-calling is the norm. When one party dictates how the other is to dress, to think and to feel, when time is not made for them or their friends. When fear of that person's temper discourages relationships or closeness to other people. In a relationship where one party or the other uses physical, verbal or emotional harm to force cooperation and obedience is not healthy. None of these are healthy signs in a relationship.

Fear, grief and rage are not and should not be a regular part of any relationship. Yes, people will get angry and sad through the normal course of things, but when it is constant and it achieves a level of 'abuse' - the relationship isn't healthy.

Mental and Emotional Abuse

Abuse doesn't have to be physical, although when people consider abuse they think of the bruises and the injuries. Mental and emotional abuse is far crueler, leaves much deeper wounds and is not always visible. For example, Michael and Jane are dating. Michael pursued Jane vigorously even while she was involved with another man. He pleaded with her on bended knee to take him into her life. Persuaded, Jane finally did so.

At first, everything is great and they share a lot of activities, but he is always the one who decides where they will go, what they will do and when they will do it. She doesn't mind because she enjoys the attention. If she offers a suggestion, he is quick to denigrate the idea or to scoff at it. He will most often refuse her suggestions outright because he's already made plans whether she knew about them or not. Jane knows he does these things because he cares for her, he tells her this all the time, but Jane is afraid to make any plans unless she hears from him first because he will get upset.

This is a very true example; it's a situation that grew worse and worse until most of Jane's friends never saw Jane anymore. Her family rarely saw her at all without Michael and only when Michael decided that it was time to visit with them. Her friends were appalled to discover that for many weeks, Michael 'broke up' with Jane and yet, he never let her move on because he kept saying that he really did love her and that eventually, they would get back together.

Michael used to make Jane feel awful if she wanted to make her own plans or did anything that didn't include him. He made her feel stupid if she sat around and waited for him to call all evening even when he had no intentions of doing so. Michael and Jane shared a very unhealthy relationship and it took many, many months for her to even admit to anyone her upset much less share what was happening. In doing so, Jane opened a door to a way out, but spent another several months incapacitated by guilt because she wanted to be out.

Michael didn't hit Jane. He never left a physical mark on her. But his moods, whims and way with words kept her under his thumb. When confronted by worried friends with proof of Michael's infidelities and other relationships, Jane still couldn't end the relationship because Michael told her it was all lies - that the women meant nothing to him and she was being misled by her family and friends. As hard as it is for some people to believe, Jane believed him.

Unhealthy relationships are a dangerous thing because they don't have to be gritty, dirty and filled with physical punches to scar the people who get caught up in them. Michael and Jane's example is only one, there are literally dozens of others and for those who have never had the misfortune to find themselves in a bad relationship it is very difficult to comprehend why anyone would stay in it.

The reasons why these relationships persist aren't just about the manipulative power of the other party, but the innate desire we all have for emotional closeness to others. We want to be loved. We want to feel close. Even when we are afraid of what it is - we still want it to love us.

Here are the signs of a healthy relationship and ways to make relationships healthy.

Healthy Relationships:

• make people happier and ease stress
• are realistic and flexible
• mean sharing and talking
• include self-care
• use fair fighting techniques

Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships bring happiness and health to our lives. Studies show that people with healthy relationships really do have more happiness and less stress. There are basic ways to make relationships healthy, even though each one is different...parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses. Here are Ten Tips for Healthy Relationships!

1. Keep expectations realistic. No one can be everything we might want him or her to be. Sometimes people disappoint us. It's not all-or-nothing, though. Healthy relationships mean accepting people as they are and not trying to change them!

2. Talk with each other. It can't be said enough: communication is essential in healthy relationships! It means—

• Take the time. Really be there.
• Genuinely listen. Don't plan what to say next while you're trying to listen. Don't interrupt.
• Listen with your ears and your heart. Sometimes people have emotional messages to share and weave it into their words.
• Ask questions. Ask if you think you may have missed the point. Ask friendly (and appropriate!) questions. Ask for opinions. Show your interest. Open the communication door.
• Share information. Studies show that sharing information especially helps relationships begin. Be generous in sharing yourself, but don't overwhelm others with too much too soon.

3. Be flexible. Most of us try to keep people and situations just the way we like them to be. It's natural to feel apprehensive, even sad or angry, when people or things change and we're not ready for it. Healthy relationships mean change and growth are allowed!

4. Take care of yourself. You probably hope those around you like you so you may try to please them. Don't forget to please yourself. Healthy relationships are mutual!

5. Be dependable. If you make plans with someone, follow through. If you have an assignment deadline, meet it. If you take on a responsibility, complete it. Healthy relationships are trustworthy!

6. Fight fair. Most relationships have some conflict. It only means you disagree about something, it doesn't have to mean you don't like each other! When you have a problem:

• Negotiate a time to talk about it. Don't have difficult conversations when you are very angry or tired. Ask, "When is a good time to talk about something that is bothering me?" Healthy relationships are based on respect and have room for both.
• Don't criticize. Attack the problem, not the other person. Open sensitive conversations with "I" statements; talk about how you struggle with the problem. Don't open with "you" statements; avoid blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings. Healthy relationships don't blame.
• Don't assign feelings or motives. Let others speak for themselves. Healthy relationships recognize each person's right to explain themselves.
• Stay with the topic. Don't use a current concern as a reason to jump into everything that bothers you. Healthy relationships don't use ammunition from the past to fuel the present.
• Say, "I'm sorry" when you're wrong. It goes a long way in making things right again. Healthy relationships can admit mistakes.
• Don't assume things. When we feel close to someone, it's easy to think we know how he or she thinks and feels. We can be very wrong! In healthy relationships, check things out.
• Ask for help if you need it. Talk with someone who can help you find resolution—like a counselor or therapist, a teacher, a minister or even parents. Healthy relationships aren't afraid to ask for help.
• There may not be a resolved ending. Be prepared to compromise or to disagree about some things. Healthy relationships don't demand conformity or perfect agreement.
• Don't hold grudges. You don't have to accept anything and everything, but don't hold grudges—they just drain your energy. Studies show that the more we see the best in others, the better healthy relationships get. Healthy relationships don't hold on to past hurts and misunderstandings.
• The goal is for everyone to be a winner. Relationships with winners and losers don't last. Healthy relationships are between winners who seek answers to problems together.
• You can leave a relationship. You can choose to move out of a relationship. Studies tell us that loyalty is very important in good relationships, but healthy relationships are NOW, not some hoped-for future development.

7. Show your warmth. Studies tell us warmth is highly valued by most people in their relationships. Healthy relationships show emotional warmth!

8. Keep your life balanced. Other people help make our lives satisfying but they can't create that satisfaction for us. Only you can fill your life. Don't overload on activities, but do use your time to try new things—clubs, volunteering, lectures, projects. You'll have more opportunities to meet people and more to share with them. Healthy relationships aren't dependent!

9. It's a process. Sometimes it looks like everyone else in the world is confident and connected. Actually, most people feel just like you feel, wondering how to fit in and have good relationships. It takes time to meet people and get to know them...so, make "small talk"...respond to others...smile...keep trying. Healthy relationships can be learned and practiced and keep getting better!

10. Be yourself! It's much easier and much more fun to be you than to pretend to be something or someone else. Sooner or later, it catches up anyway. Healthy relationships are made of real people, not images!

Want to know more about healthy relationships? Enjoy these books from our library:

Bolton, R. (1986). People Skills. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Cava, R. (1990). Difficult People. Buffalo, NY: Firefly Books.

Garner, A. (1991). Conversationally Speaking. Chicago: Contemporary Books.

Katherine, A. (1995). Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. New York: Simon & Schuster.

“Emotional wellness involves the awareness, understanding, and acceptance of our feelings,” according to scholars at the University of California, Davis.

While this definition of emotional wellness is undeniably true, it’s incomplete. Becoming aware of what we’re feeling, understanding these emotions, and then accepting them are vital steps in developing emotional wellness and becoming emotionally healthy. Awareness, understanding, and acceptance are part of the process, but they aren’t the heart of emotional wellness. Think of cookies. Butter, sugar, flour, and other ingredients are crucial in creating a delectable treat, but they aren’t the treat by themselves.

If emotional wellness is more than awareness, understanding, and accepting, what is it then? Emotional wellness is

• Living well despite problems, through all of the many ups and downs of life
• Living fully and finding the good in each day
• Experiencing the gamut of human emotions (emotional wellness does not mean feeling perpetually happy) while simultaneously separating yourself from them, knowing that you can have emotions but that you aren’t defined by them

To achieve this state of emotional health, we need to circle back to the definition given by the folks at UC Davis and understand what emotions are.

Just What Are Emotions?

Emotions and feelings, while sometimes defined and conceptualized separately, are both responses to things that are happening around us or to things in our minds (our thoughts). Our brain will react instantly to something it picks up on its radar (think about the gut reaction you have when someone gives you a terrible look or you see an accident happen on the way to the store).

The brain stirs up a host of responses in the body (a pounding heart, difficulty breathing, sweaty hands, for example), and it begins to think. Like a computer, it runs through memories, beliefs, associations, and it creates meaning. It does this instantaneously, and as a result, you have physical reactions, reactive thoughts, and emotional responses that can be very strong.

Emotions are knee-jerk reactions to both the world around you and the one inside you. Sometimes, those emotions linger, and we become stuck in them. Developing awareness of your emotions and how they are affecting you are key ingredients in the treat that is emotional wellness.

How Important is Emotional Wellness?

Emotional wellness is as important as mental health and physical health. The three aren’t completely separate concepts but thinking about them individually helps us understand them and work toward wellness in manageable pieces.

Emotional wellness underlies our overall health and wellbeing. When we are emotionally healthy, we can deal with all of the many aspects of life, including

• Coping with unanticipated issues
• Daily stressors
• Relationships
• Work/school
• Things that bring us joy and elation
• Things that bring us sorrow and pain

You can read more about the goals of emotional wellness.

Emotional wellness is what helps us create happiness. It doesn’t mean that we always feel happy, but it does mean that we can know that we are happy at our core even when we’re facing hardship. Emotional health is the foundation of success, however we define success. Commonly, people feel that they will achieve emotional health once they’re successful. On the contrary, the opposite is true: by cultivating emotional health, we position ourselves to keep moving forward, toward the success we desire.

Emotional Wellness Examples

Emotional wellness can be a misleading concept when it implies that you must feel perfect emotions all the time. These emotional wellness examples might be useful in understanding how the concept applies to you:

• A woman who, because of major depression, doesn’t want to get out of bed but forces herself to get up and walk around the house because she knows it’s good for her
• A man who is overwhelmed with work stress but, instead of working late, goes home to spend time with his family, feeling confident that he won’t lose his job because he’s a good employee ("5 Ways to Improve Mental Wellbeing at Work")
• A young adult who is devastated by rejection from her top college choice, but looks at the acceptance letters from other schools and moves forward in the new direction, still excited for college

Emotional wellness is choosing how you will respond to the things that happen to you and the thoughts you have about them. It’s choosing and deciding how you’ll live your life. It’s knowing that you can make great moments even on bad days. Emotional wellness is the foundation upon which we build a quality life.

Here are 10 emotional wellness tips to get you started on your journey.

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