Because they are easy to access, online support groups have great potential to help those with eating disorders.

Researchers at Stanford University are examining whether online support groups offer the same benefits traditional groups provide to people with eating disorders, and if they have other pros and cons that face-to-face support groups may not.

It's important for psychologists to conduct research in the area, because electronic support groups "will become a big issue for those in our field," said Barr Taylor, MD, a Stanford psychiatrist involved in the studies. "These online support groups have a lot of potential, because they're so easy to access," he said. "But we still need to learn more about making them useful in treating various disorders."

In one of the team's studies, now in press at Computers and Human Behavior, Andrew Winzelberg, a doctoral student in counseling psychology at Stanford, and colleagues analyzed the content of 300 messages in an online eating disorders support group.

The online eating disorders support group consisted of about 70 people, mostly in their teens, who had anorexia or bulimia and were in recovery from their illness. Winzelberg found four categories of messages:

• 31 percent disclosed information about participants' personal lives and their battles with eating disorders;
• 23 percent gave information to other members in the form of medical, psychological and nutritional advice;
• 16 percent gave emotional support; and
• 15 percent involved other kinds of information such as seeking help about love relationships, parents and school.

In addition, 37 percent of the messages were sent between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.; 32 from 7 p.m. to 11 p.m., and 31 percent between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m.

The kinds of messages sent "seem to reflect the same patterns you find in face-to-face groups--it's just that they're doing it over the computer," said Winzelberg. Member support crossed demographic boundaries, he added, with teen-agers giving advice and support to 35-year-olds.

The findings on when people sent messages features an additional benefit, Winzelberg said: "There aren't a lot of friends you can usually call at 2 or 3 a.m."

The data also showed a potential drawback for unregulated support groups Winzelberg believes: "12 percent of participants' messages gave inaccurate or unhealthy information, such as providing tips on how to purge without getting caught. While that's a risk in traditional support groups as well, it's more likely that someone in those groups will step in with immediate corrective feedback because they're face-to-face and in real time," he said.

Online prevention

To study more closely what works in online support groups, in a second study Winzelberg and Taylor created their own support and prevention group for women at risk of developing an eating disorder.

The team gave 27 female Stanford students a CD-ROM psychoeducational intervention package that the students could use whenever they wanted to over an eight-week period. The educational material included information on gaining a positive body image, healthy dieting and eating disorders. In addition, participants could send anonymous notes to each other over e-mail.

The intervention was moderated by a psychologist, Kathleen Eldredge, PhD, who facilitated group discussion, provided information and directed participants on ways to effectively use the program. (Because the team believes not enough is known about the efficacy of online psychotherapy, Eldredge did not act as a therapist).

The team compared participants' improvement on a range of body image measures with 30 controls who had not yet received the intervention. The groups received the measures at baseline, post-treatment and at a three-month follow-up.

The treatment group made significant improvements in their body image compared to controls, Winzelberg said. In addition, those who completed a section of the program on healthy weight regulation reported adopting healthier eating behaviors and reducing their drive for thinness.

On a less positive note, "participants didn't support one another very much--they disclosed their own concerns, but they didn't empathize with each other,"Winzelberg said. A probable explanation for the lack of support is that participants had not seen supportive e-mail statements modeled for them, while those in the previous naturalistic study had the chance to observe such statements before posting messages, he said.

Fostering group support

A third study is trying to correct the problems of the second one, including the lack of support and the lack of structure, Winzelberg said. The team modified the original program so it is available through the World Wide Web, and structured it as an eight-week program with weekly assignments on specific topics. In this study, they're also able to track which parts of the program participants used and when. As with the previous two studies, participants can also send notes to each other.

The study is being conducted at two sites: Stanford and California State University, San Diego. To foster support, Eldredge now alerts the group through e-mail about a group member's request for feedback on a specific problem. She also encourages other members to share similar experiences and what they did to cope.

Although there are no results yet, the researchers are excited by responses from the women who are showing more support for each other and report that they are learning from the material, Taylor said. Some of those positive changes are witnessed by a higher overall percentage of notes posted by participants, including more notes of empathy, he said.

Next, the team plans a similar study that is tailored for high school students.

next: Eating Disorder Behaviors Are Adaptive Functions
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 37

1. Application to the Media
2. Grandiosity and Rage
3. Second Amazon Interview
4. Interview granted to JustViews
5. Revisiting My Self
6. Interview granted to Independent Success!

1. Application to the Media

My name is Sam Vaknin. I was released from jail in 1996. I carried a few crumpled clothes in a shabby duffle bag. That is all that was left of my life as Israel's most prominent stock broker. This and an improvised cardboard bound notebook in which I kept a record of a journey of self-discovery within the prison walls. This was later to become "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (ISBN: 8023833847). Until recently, I was the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia (of Kosovo crisis fame) and a political and economic columnist. But I am also an acknowledged and self-aware narcissist - the victim of the pernicious Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I am a published and awarded author of Hebrew short fiction.

My first act was, therefore, to transform my surreptitious notes into a coherent manual.

What emerged was a guide to pathological narcissism and a detailed phenomenology of the path of destruction strewn with victims that narcissists often leave behind. The full text of "Malignant Self Love" - available on this web (http://www.geocities.com/vaksam) - has attracted more than 500,000 readers and 4,000,000 impressions in 3 years.

My web sites attract 5,000 daily impressions. There are 660 members in my Narcissistic Abuse Study List and another 2600 in my private mailing list. I get letters daily. The pain and devastation are great. The disorder is under-diagnosed and co-occurs with other mental health problems and with substance abuse or reckless behaviour (such as gambling).

The orthodoxy is that pathological narcissism is the outcome of early childhood trauma or abuse by parents, caregivers, or peers.

There are dissenting views, though. Dr. Anthony Benis from Mount Sinai Hospital postulates a genetic origin of the disorder. Others (such as Gunderson and Roningstam) even described a transient form of narcissism. It is a new mental health category (defined as late as 1980) so not a lot is known. Scholars (such as Lasch) even ascribed pathological narcissism to whole cultures and societies.

I am at your disposal should you decide to discuss this emerging leading mental health problem (today believed to be at the root of many others).

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

2. Grandiosity and Rage

Grandiosity and rage are also features of the manic phases of various disorders, including substance-abuse disorders. So, the answer to your question is: if a person is a narcissist, he is a narcissist, on and off alcohol.

3. Second Amazon Interview

I was born in Israel and I am 40 years old. Both facts are pertinent. As an Israeli of Sephardic origin, I was exposed to the dominant Central and East European (CEE) culture in Israel. As a child of the 60s, I witnessed the gradual disintegration of the Soviet block through the distant echoes of Russian immigrants to the Israel and their media. Living in Israel meant living in constant existential uncertainty. That people chose to immigrate from seemingly omnipotent Russia to ephemeral Israel - revealed to me the extent of the inner rot of the Evil Empire. A decade of living and working in the Balkans, this cesspool of history, has only served to strengthen my convictions, now hardened into near prejudices.

I wrote all my life. It was my preferred venue of escape. I published short fiction, works of reference and columns in periodicals. Writing sits well with my personality disorder. It provides me with narcissistic supply. It is magical in that symbols lead to action. It provides the twin illusions of eternity and sagaciousness. I have never thought of myself as anything but an author.

I have always been drawn to short fiction - although most of my published work (in Hebrew, Macedonian, other languages) is non-fiction. There is an essence in short fiction, distilled and aromatic which is missing in the homeopathic equivalent of the longer genres (such as the novel). I have thus found myself enamoured with A.A.Poe on one end of the spectrum - and Francoise Sagan on the other. The last two decades have been a revelation to me in that they provided me with legitimacy. My short fiction deals with amoral characters, making amoral decisions about emotionally harrowing (to them, emotionally neutral) situations. Post modernism liberated me and allowed me to pursue this line of writing.

I try to abstain from romantic literature and am pretty successful at doing so. The scariest book I ever read is the Amityville Horror. It required a whole sleepless night to wear off. The funniest book I read is "Three Men in a Boat" by Jerome K. Jerome. I love wry, marginally vicious humour. I also found "Tom Jones" by Fielding hilarious.

I hate music. All types of music. It makes me intolerably sad. It osmotically infiltrates me, cell-level, and drowns me. Short of breath I barely make it to the gramophone (I prefer vinyl records) and turn it off.

I am reading Goldhagen's "Hitler's Willing Executioners". How easy it is to pathologize an entire nation. All it takes is the right Petri dish - centuries of bilious libel coupled with a licence to kill. How powerful is language - to incite, to motivate, to disguise. And how easy it is to tear through the veneer of "civilization" and "kultur". The most ordinary people will commit the most unspeakable atrocities with glee and inventiveness given half a chance and legitimacy.

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I am working on the third printing of, on a set of two volumes of my philosophical treaties and on the promotion of my newest tome, "After the Rain - How the West Lost the East" (ISBN: 802385173X). Additionally, I am weekly columnist in a few periodicals and on the web, like "Central Europe Review" (http://www.ce-review.org/authorarchives/vaknin_archive/vaknin_main.html) and eBookWeb.org.

4. Interview granted to JustViews (not published)

Just Views: From the moment you received THE CALL for your first book, what is the one thing that you have learned about the publishing business which has remained constant?

Sam: In the last 20 years, I have published 11 books in five countries in three continents (only one of which is self-published). I regret to say that the only thing constant in these varied experiences was the tendency of publishers to dumb down material in order to attract the largest common denominator. I was often told by publishers to limit my vocabulary to the level of American teenagers'. Not much to work with.

Just Views: We'd like to know a little about your first book.
(When was it sold? How many rejections did you receive before it sold? Did you use an agent? Is this a self-published book? If so, explain the process you went through to make this decision.)

Sam: I had three "first books". Three experiences so different that each one constituted a new beginning.
When I was a soldier in the Israeli army, I published short horror fiction in the army's official publication. These vignettes were so well received that a major Israeli pulp fiction publisher signed a contract for four books with me. I got paid a pittance but just seeing my pseudonym on the cover was ample reward. These were sexually explicit, sizzling, action-adventure pieces within a never-ending series featuring a Korea-born CIA agent as the protagonist.
Sixteen years later I found myself incarcerated in one of Israel's more notorious prisons. I lost everything: my deeply-loved wife, all my possessions and my reputation. I was derided and bandied about as a symbol of corruption and avarice. Jail is a great place for soul-searching. It is am imposed vacation but without the amenities and with indescribable psychological pressure. I wrote 60 short stories, 30 of which were accepted for publication (while I was a prisoner). The publisher was Israel's largest daily paper, "Yedioth Aharonot". The book won critical acclaim and the coveted 1997 Minister of Education Prose prize.
The third "first book" is my favourite - "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited". While in jail, I was tentatively diagnosed by a psychiatrist there as the victim of a narcissistic / borderline personality disorder. Alarmed by this foreign sounding diagnosis and unable to secure an unequivocal description of its problematics from the psychiatrist in question - I embarked on a road of self discovery. I made notes in an improvized and tattered cardboard-bound notebook while still in prison. Upon my release, I placed these notes on a web site. I later augmented them with research conducted alone and with others. I have corresponded with well over 5000 individuals who suffer from this disorder or are affected by someone who does. There are 2000 members in my mailing lists. My web site receives 4000 hits - DAILY. Pathological narcissism is possibly the most under-diagnosed and prevalent disorder of the latter part of the 20th century.

Just Views: Describe your feelings when you received the contract from the publisher...

Sam: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. This feeling - of constant, excited, agitated, floating - never left me. Not even during the endless and tedious revisions of my texts.

Just Views: Let's be honest. Do you like the covers designed for your books? Do you have any say?

Sam: When I contributed to their design - yes. This happened with "Malignant Self Love" and with my latest tome, "After the Rain - How the West Lost the East". Otherwise, I found the visual statements incorporated in the cover-art of most of my titles to be between off-putting and wrong. Cover art is the Achilles heel of publishing, it would seem.

Just Views: What would you be doing if you weren't writing? Do you have another job in addition to your writing career?

Sam (laughing): I am the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia. Until 1995 I co-owned businesses with a consolidated annual turnover of 10 million US dollars. I left jail penniless but now I am recovering. I can tell you this: publishing a book may be small business. But it can yield hi-tech returns, if you hit the right raw nerve. My publisher has made 1000% on her investment in "Malignant Self Love" in less than 18 months!

Just Views: What/who influenced you to write for this market?

Sam: The readers. At first, I posted the material on my web site, as I told you earlier. The response was overwhelming and heart rending. People agonized over loved ones, irreparably broken relationships, sadistic behaviours. I just HAD to publish a book to help them. The entire text of "Malignant Self Love" is available on this website, free of charge, for those who cannot afford the print version, by the way.
"After the Rain" was prompted by the reactions to a series of texts I published in "The New Presence" (a high-brow Prague magazine) and in "Central Europe Review" (the year 2000 NetMedia Award winner for journalism). These texts dealt with communism not as a political phenomenon, but as a mass psychopathology - a mental health disorder. It was a persepective sufficiently unique and controversial to provoke heated debates and daily threats on my life. Again, I must have hit a raw nerve. The book was a natural extension of this realization.

Just Views: Tell us the hardest part of writing that you experience either day to day or contract to contract.

Sam: Finding the words, THE words, the music. I believe in poetry in prose. I believe that the reader should be able to SING my texts, should he choose to. I write with tempo, rhythm, harmony and melody in mind. But words are unwieldy creatures. They rebel. They refuse to be contorted. It is a Procrustean bed.

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Just Views: In your opinion, what are the best and worst aspects of being a writer?

Sam: The worst aspect is the solitude. Not "solitude" in the sense of "loneliness" but the inability to get feedback in real time. Delayed feedback is nerve fraying. The best aspect is the alchemy, the successful composition of words and phrases, the magic.

Just Views: Curiosity killed the cat but we'd like to know anyway. Has a reader (or editor) ever told you that a specific research detail was incorrect in any of your books? What was your reaction?

Sam: Sure they did. Most of the time I was able to produce countervailing research. At other times, convoluted syntax or wrong grammar were to blame. And, believe it or not, I was once actually wrong ..:o))
Luckily, I deal in fuzzy areas. History is a Rashomon, anyhow. Psychology is as inexact a "science" as science can be (actually, it is a branch of literature). Economics is a branch of psychology. It is an easy, relativistic, life out there ...:o))

Just Views: What, if anything, is done before you start the actual writing process?

Sam: I do research. I obsess on the subject, compulsively collect data, read everything, pay attention to obscure details and set out to write an iconoclastic article. There is no substitute to research. It's a jungle out there and data are the only weapons in the author's armoury.

Just Views: To wrap up this interview, please share an experience that may (or may not!) help other writers take the publishing world by storm. (As an example, you can share your book-signing horror story which may not help writers break into the market but it would help them know what not to do at a book-signing.)

Sam: "Malignant Self Love" was featured as the ONLY narcissism-related Recommended Site by the Encyclopaedia Britannica. I took the liberty, without either informing them or consulting with them, of using this fact in my promotional material. My site is no longer there, it was removed. Don't overdo it. And ask before you venture.

5. Revisiting My Self

This is the story of how I came to meet myself and to heal by giving.

Five years ago I was in jail. Israeli prisons are amongst the most brutal and over-crowded in the world.

I shall never forget the stench, the muck, the sounds of metal gates clanging and of my own cuffs, both hand a foot.

I have served three years and some in the Israeli army but this was no preparation for the dungeons. I had to save my sanity the only way I knew how: writing. I had already published a few books of reference and pieces of short fiction, so I thought I could distract myself this way. But I wasn't ready for what followed.

Technically, I wrote at night, standing, notebook poised on an upper bed. I had the moon for illumination or the flickering flame of a cigarette lighter. I scribbled notes furiously in a cardboard bound notebook. I sensed the contours of an emerging tome. Actually, two.

I never wrote like this before: compulsively, with bated breath, painfully. And I never composed two tomes simultaneously, feeding on one other in cannibalistic regularity. Short stories describing my childhood, abuse and the resulting cold-blooded monster that I became. And a scholarly dissertation on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) with which I was diagnosed. Paradoxically, the short fiction was detached and amoral - like dissecting a lifeless life, an autopsy of my autobiography. Critics called it "post modern". The ostensibly uninvolved and academic observation of my mental disorder was cast in turbulent and baroque prose. All the while I had memories resurfacing, poignant and frightening flashbacks and a great tsunami of sadness that I could not contain. I knew then that it was more than writing. It was self-therapy.

The short stories were published long after I left Israel never to return. They won acclaim and coveted awards. I rarely open this book, though, it threatens me in its mercilessness and mental nudity. It packs too much betrayal and cruelty and abuse and ruthlessness between its covers. I can't face myself today as I have when all my defenses were shattered by life itself. It is too painful.

I posted my scribbled notes regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the internet a year after my release from incarceration. I expected nothing. I regarded the web as a kind of glorified storage space. What followed was an avalanche of e-mail messages: begging, imploring, expressing relief, joy, pain, hate and fear - a communal catharsis. Pathological narcissism was not the idiosyncratic and isolated phenomenon I believed it to be. It seemed to have permeated society, poisoned relationships, threatened co-existence. In short: it was an under-diagnosed and under-reported menace.

I was still reluctant to commit my time and resources to an obscure mental health disorder, however close to home. Virtually unwillingly I added sections to the web sites. I added frequently asked questions to cope with the ever increasing deluge requesting help or advice (now there are 82 of them). I then opened and moderated a discussion list, the Narcissistic Abuse Study List (it has 660 members). I posted excerpts from the list on my web site. I authored online tutorials, courses, a primer and glossary. I had "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" printed and sold. Before I knew it, I was doing nothing except these things.

It was perhaps then that I made the greatest discovery - that giving is getting. I derived as much healing and peace of mind and happiness from sharing and aiding others, as any of my correspondents did. I multiplied by dividing, possessed by sharing, evolved by regressing into my own mind. People wanted to learn more about me and this was gratifying. They were grateful and this was satisfying. But, above all, it was I who derived strength and sustenance from these interactions. It is a great and on-going lesson. I made lemonade from my lemon and shared it with the thirsty. As time passed, the income from the book enabled me to dedicate more and more of my time to doing this. a virtuous cycle was created: I give and I receive that which I give. There can be nothing more rewarding.

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6. Interview granted to Independent Success! (not published)

Q: Please provide a brief biography that covers yourself, your books and your career in publishing.

A: I am the author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" and "After the Rain - How the West Lost the East". I am a columnist for Central Europe Review (http://www.ce-review.org/authorarchives/vaknin_archive/vaknin_main.html), United Press International (UPI), and eBookWeb, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, I served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.

Q: What has been your biggest successes to date and how did you achieve them ? (Feel free to brag :)

A: I had two, unrelated and disparate, successes.

The first was my book of short fiction in Hebrew ("Requesting My Loved One"), published by Miskal-Yedioth Aharonot.

It won the 1997 Ministry of Education prose award in Israel.

I wrote it while in jail and smuggled it into the hands of (the very excited) editors at the venerable publishing house (affiliated with Israel's largest daily paper). The secrets of its success have been its brutal honesty and its post modernist relativistic morality. In other words: I told it all and I judged no one. I described childhood abuse, financial crime, group sex, and mental illness with equanimity and detail which made the book voyeuristically irresistible. Paradoxically, though, this mechanistic streak, this refusal to commit myself, this standoffish pose - also imbued the book with a great, all-pervasive, existential sadness.

My other success, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" was also written in jail (at least in outline). It was an unflinching attempt to understand what went wrong, what brought me hither, and where was I likely to go from there. In its current incarnation, it is an impersonal textbook, with a lot of scholarly material and dozens of frequently asked questions answered in laymen's terms. So, it has a lot for everyone. It deals with a pernicious and devastating mental health issue - the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) with which I am afflicted. I think that what made it a hit (and, at $45 + shipping it is not cheap) is its relentless straightforwardness, its uncompromising gaze, its willingness to venture where others feared to tread. The narcissist is often also a sadist, a stalker, a masochist, a sex pervert, and an abuser. The book is a manual intended to help the narcissist's exhausted and traumatized victims extricate themselves from the nightmare of being near a narcissist or with him.

Q: What has been your biggest failure and what lead to it? (Pull out your skeletons and rattle them proudly :)

A: My biggest failure has been "After the Rain - How the East Lost the West". It is an anthology of my political columns (which deal mainly with the Balkan and Central and Eastern Europe). It was published right on time (with the eruption of strife in the Balkan). It is aesthetically designed. It is reasonably priced. I have a following of thousands of dedicated and alert online readers. And it sold next to nothing.

Why?

I thought that selling a book is a matter of mastering a few basic principles. Fresh on the heels of the success of "Malignant Self Love", I hubristically believed that I knew everything there is to know about book promotion. The truth is that every book is an entirely independent product. It has its own, idiosyncratic, rules of promotion which one to discover anew.

Moreover, "eyeballs", online readers, do not always translate to offline cash. Books can rarely be promoted exclusively online. And niche products are a lucrative proposition - providing the niche is sufficiently large and accommodating. "Balkan studies" proved to be a narrow and Procrustean market.

Q: If you knew then what you know now... what would you change and what is the best advice you would pass on?

A: I would have never embarked on any of my publishing (ad)ventures.

I live in Macedonia and sell books in the USA. Bad idea. One must be close to one's market.

Book sales are only part of a much larger line of derivative products: lectures, seminars, workshops, media appearances.

These cannot be remote controlled. The author's presence is indispensable. There is no substitute to the human touch. Get in touch with your readers. Keep offering new products. Re-invent yourself.

One important point:

Be online. Be generous with your free online content - but not TOO generous. The entire text of "Malignant Self Love" is available online. While we had more than 700,000 visitors in the last 4 years - we sold books only to a negligible fraction of them.

To succeed, write about things you know well or that are close to your heart. Write with conviction and passion - but do not hector or judge. Just tell a story. Never forget the narrative. People buy books either to escape from reality - or to grapple with it. A good book provides both options and allows the reader to smoothly switch between them.

Q: Look to the future and tell me what are your plans for the future?

A: To write. To write. To read. And then to write again. I cannot stop writing. Even if no one were to read my work - I would still be writing.

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next:   Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 38

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 36

1. Politicians as Narcissists
2. Pathological Narcissism - Under-Diagnosed
3. Interview - The Narcissist as an Author
4. More about Me - Published in "Bright Ink News - Volume 1, Issue 10"

1. Politicians as Narcissists

Are all politicians narcissists? The answer, surprisingly, is: not universally. The preponderance of narcissistic traits and personalities in politics is much less than in show business, for instance. Moreover, while show business is concerned essentially (and almost exclusively) with the securing of narcissistic supply - politics is a much more complex and multi-faceted activity. Rather, it is a spectrum. At the one end, we find the "actors" - politicians who regard politics as their venue and their conduit, an extended theatre with their constituency as an audience. At the other extreme, we find self-effacing and schizoid (crowd-hating) technocrats. Most politicians are in the middle: somewhat self-enamoured, opportunistic and seeking modest doses of narcissistic supply - but mostly concerned with perks, self-preservation and the exercise of power.

Most narcissists are opportunistic and ruthless operators. But not all opportunistic and ruthless operators are narcissists. I am strongly opposed to remote diagnosis. I think it is a bad habit, exercised by charlatans and dilettantes (even if their names are followed by a Psy.D.). Please do not forget that only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from NPD and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

IF the politician in question is ALSO a narcissist (=suffers from NPD), then, yes, he would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to remain in power, or, while, in power, to secure his narcissistic supply. A common error is to think that "narcissistic supply" consists only of admiration, adulation and positive feedback. Actually, being feared, or derided is also narcissistic supply. The main element is ATTENTION. So, the narcissistic politician cultivates sources of narcissistic supply (both primary and secondary) and refrains from nothing while doing so.

Often, politicians are nothing but a loyal reflection of their milieu, their culture, their society and their times (zeitgeist and leitkultur). This is the thesis of Daniel Goldhagen in "Hitler's Willing Executioners".

Lasch characterized America as narcissistic. More here

Consider the Balkan region, for instance:

FAQ 11

Pathological narcissism is the result of individual upbringing (see: "The Narcissist's Mother" and "Narcissists and Schizoids") and, in this sense, it is universal and cuts across time and space. Yet, the very process of socialization and education is heavily constrained by the prevailing culture and influenced by it. Thus, culture, mores, history, myths, ethos, and even government policy (such as the "one child policy" in China) do create the conditions for pathologies of the personality. Christopher Lasch, for instance, labelled the American civilization as narcissistic (see here: "Lasch - The Cultural Narcissist")

2. Pathological Narcissism - Under-Diagnosed

My personal view is that narcissism is under-diagnosed and under-reported and that many more people than we care to admit are tainted by it. I fully believe that pathological narcissism is under-diagnosed and mis-diagnosed. Very few narcissists actually subject themselves to treatment, even if they become aware of their problems (which they rarely do). Those who do receive treatment often deceive their therapists, charm them, or mislead them. In a narcissistic culture, narcissistic behaviour is often encouraged and taught.

3. Interview - The Narcissist as an Author

Q: How did you get started?

A: While in the Israeli army, I published a few detective/mystery stories in the army's mouthpiece. The publisher of martial arts novels (an insult to the genre, I assure you) invited me to his seedy, crumpled and crowded office cum warehouse and commissioned four such masterpieces. I did my best, concocting sex, kong fu fighting and booze. But the publisher was very unhappy with my stream of consciousness technique. Thus, despite strong sales of one of my four aberrant tomes, I was fired with meagre compensation.

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Q: What type of writer are you? Do you plan ahead/plot or do you simply fly by the seat of your pants?

A: I write both short fiction and long reference. To my utter amazement, I discovered that the same writing techniques and strategiesapply to both. First, I determine what I want to say. Then, I fix the points of departure and of arrival. Then I plot. In fiction, I let myself go. I daydream. I let my characters lead me astray. I succumb. But this is easy for me to say. Most of my writing is autobiographical, so really it is a glorified form of literary non-fiction. Replace the word "characters" with the word "ideas" - and this is what I largely find myself doing in authoring textbooks.

Q: Do you write best at a certain time of the day?

A: I write best when under pressure, in the midst of a mayhem of other chores, when enraged. I am enraged all day (and night) long - so, there you are. But I love the night. I am a misanthrope, so the night, in its human absence, is magnificent.

Q: What type of writing schedule do you have?

A: I scribble between snacks. Standing. Sitting. All the time. In response to deadlines, internal and external. I write all the time and everything.

Q: How do you handle life interruptions?

A: My whole life is one huge interruption... (laughing). I have been a prisoner, a political fugitive, an economic fugitive, I divorced, I escaped... It's a long story. I try to generate interruptions and upheaval in my life. A stagnant life tends to become swampy. And interruptions are a wonderful (indispensable, really) raw material. I compare life to the direction of a movie. Who wants to watch a 70 years long boring flick?

Q: Do you get blocked? Any hints how to stave it off?

A: Never happened to me. Not once. I guess I am blessed. I think the key is not to panic and to forsake the perfect in favour of the good.

Q: What authors do you look to as a role model and inspiration?

A: Edgar Alan Poe for his calculated exquisiteness, Lewis Carol for his outlandish childlikeness, Stephen King for his money ... (laughing) Among non-fiction authors (really my mainstay), I value Kenneth Galbraith, Carl Sagan, Kenneth Clarke, Stephen Hawking, Rip Thorne, Milton Friedman - there are so many excellent popularizers of the incomprehensible... (sigh)

Q: What's the best advice you ever received?

A: From Alan Levy, an author and Editor in Chief of Prague Post. He said that my main problem is the "Dudi Kravitz Syndrome". I am pushy and obsessive. And compulsive. And narcissistic. And self-promoting. I even wrote a book about my obnoxious disorder ("Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited").

Q: What sparks a story?

A: Life, of course. It begs to be written and it becomes awfully aggressive if ignored... And the wish to be heard. To affirm one's existence by replicating oneself in the eyes and the brains of hundreds or thousands. And the fear of being alone. That's important. Writing is an existentialist vocation.

Q: What was it about your genre that interested you enough to choose to write in it and not in another genre?

A: I wrote short fiction because I was in unbearable pain. I was in prison, penniless, abandoned by my long suffering wife after 9 years. I was castigated as an "enemy of the people". I needed to finally talk to myself, this long delayed conversation. I documented the dialogue in my short fiction (which I can no longer force myself to read).
I write non-fiction because I like to impress people. My self-esteem and sense of self-worth depend on it. Authoring reference is a good way to secure guru status ... (kidding). Actually, it is a good way to communicate with people where it hurts (if you concentrate on the right subject matter).
I like to move people, to alter their lives (however minutely), in short: to make a difference. I can hear the ideas budding in their minds. I can feel the thrill they experience as those old cobwebbed cogwheels start grinding again. It is rewarding. Good non-fiction ought to do to our cognition what good fiction often does to our emotions. Mobilize it.

Q: Have you seen an evolution in your writing? What steps did it take?

A: I master the language better, of course. And I am less compassionate and empathic than I was when I started out. I recognize the value of shock. And I research more, much more.

Q: What have you always dreamed of writing, but haven't yet?

A: A stage play, of course. This (replaced by its modern, shabby and less demanding equivalent, the movie script) has been the dream of authors everywhere, always. There is something in the immediacy of the theatre (not to mention the limelight) that does it to us...:o))

Q: What one thing do you like most about writing? Least?

A: Very much like sex, the act itself is nothing to write home about. But the foreplay... ah, the foreplay ...
To imagine, to alter destinies, to compose the music of clashing words... this is the real thing (for me at least). This is to CREATE. The rest is technique and technology.

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The author is God until and as long as he doesn't put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard). Then, when he does, he is subjected to the basest form of slavery. He is subject to the tyranny of grammar and syntax, to the caprice of words and metric, to the dicta of marketing departments and the media. It is sordid in comparison.

Q: What is your next project?

A: The second volume of "Malignant Self Love" is due in January 2001. Another volume of my articles in "Central Europe Review" is planned (tentatively titled "Where Time Stood Still"). The first one was published this year ("After the Rain - How the West Lost the East").

4. More about Me - Published in "Bright Ink News - Volume 1, Issue 10"

When I left prison, I thought my life was over. It was an appropriately rainy day and I stood outside the clanking metal gate, not a penny to my name, divorced by a woman I greatly loved, universally derided and with a criminal record which barred me from any gainful employment. While in jail, I jotted down observations in a cardboard-bound improvised notebook. These were the signposts of a road of self-revelation. It was an agonizing and dangerous road, less taken than imposed by the injuries I suffered. I forced myself onward in blind fury until I had the outline of my self. I called it tentatively "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" and relegated it to the treasure chest of my other grandiose projects.

Jail does things to you. I emerged completely devoid of self-esteem and deprived of a sense of self-worth. The publication of an anthology of my short fiction and a prestigious award I won back home (at the time I won it I lived in Russia) - restored both. I was ready now to tackle the issue of pathological narcissism in public. I decided to make myself - a narcissist - available to public scrutiny. It was the only way I could make any contribution to the field.

I have already posted chapters of the crystallizing tome on my web site. The reactions were (and are) phenomenal. I could not have predicted nor imagined the oceans of pain out there. Today I respond to 20 letters daily. My web sites generate 5000 daily impressions (hits). There are 2500 members in my various mailing lists. Narcissism seems to be THE mental health problem of the last decade. and my activity spawned other web sites and discussion and support lists.

From a laptop in my living room, 15 months ago, I published the print version of "Malignant Self Love". I also made the entire text available online free of as an e-book through Barnes and Noble and others. charge and ad-free for those who can't afford it. My royalties from the sales of my book are used exclusively to finance my mental health-related educational activities. I now made the book available

It was not my first success. My short fiction book sold well and so did previous books I wrote - both reference and fiction. But "Malignant Self Love" is I. It is my self between these covers. In this sense, its success IS my first success.

 

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next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 37

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 35

1. How to Leave a Narcissist
2. Can Narcissists be Helped by Hypnosis?
3. Predicting the Narcissist
4. Narcissists and Children
5. Why do I Write Poetry?

1. How to Leave a Narcissist

The narcissist analyses (and internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt, superiority and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) and the resulting matrix of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are binary contraptions.

Thus, the formula is very simple:

Shift the blame to yourself ("I don't know what happened to me, I have changed, it is my fault, I am to blame for this, you are constant, reliable and consistent).

Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and picturesque detail).

Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel.

Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain.

Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you.

BUT

Make clear that your decision - though evidently "erroneous" and "pathological" - is FINAL, irrevocable and that all contact is to be severed henceforth.

And never leave ANYTHING in writing.

2. Can Narcissists be Helped by Hypnosis?

The narcissist's problem is not that of repression of traumatic past events.

Hypnosis is often used to gain access to repressed events in childhood or some other traumatic period of the subject's life (regression).

It is also somewhat effective in behaviour modification.

The narcissist clearly remembers all the abuse and trauma. His is a problem of interpretation and defence mechanisms employed AGAINST what he so clearly and painfully remembers.

3. Predicting the Narcissist

As you know, narcissism is a SPECTRUM of diseases with gradations, shadows and hues.

If you refer strictly to diagnosed, non self-aware NPD's then I would say that this kind of person deviates once every 10 times from the "manual".

A deeper look into these "deviations" usually yields an overlooked datum, omitted fact or neglected detail.

If there were a perfect mind able to pay constant and equal attention to all data - however negligible and marginal - I believe it would have been able to predict the narcissism 99 out of 100 times, so great is the rigidity of this disorder.

By the way, it is possible to reach this level of accurate prediction with obsessive-compulsives, for instance. Mental illness contracts one's universe so dramatically that it becomes deterministic and simple - in other words, predictable. After all, isn't this what personality disorders are all about - eliminating the unpredictability and arbitrariness of a menacing world?

4. Narcissists and Children

The severest form of narcissists - NPD - loathe babies. I came across this startling phenomenon time and again. The reasons are varied and multifaceted. But the sentiment - pretensions and social etiquette aside - is unmistakable and unequivocal.

As usual, to secure Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist will go to any length and will act as though enamoured with children in general, with specific children (including his or her own) in particular, or with the very concept of childhood (innocence, freshness, etc.). But this is an act - calculated, short-lived, goal-orientated, often cruel, and abruptly terminated.

Why this repulsion and sadistic impulses?

Envy is a major factor. Narcissists are likely to have had a miserable childhood. They are violently jealous of children who seem to enjoy an altogether different experience.

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They cannot bring themselves to believe that there is such a thing as parental love, non-abusive relationships, and reciprocity.

They impose their own values and behaviour patterns on the situation. A cute and cuddly infant is likely to be perceived by them as manipulative. A kiss or hug - as an ominous violation of boundaries.

An expression of love is always hypocritical, peremptory, or designed to achieve some goal.

Children are a nuisance, boring, demanding, selfish, feel entitled, lack empathy, cunning, they idealize and then devalue...

To the narcissist children are ... NARCISSISTS! Their personality still being formed, they are the perfect object of projection and projective identification. Hence the strong emotional reaction they elicit in the narcissist. Mirrors always do.

Additionally, because children are perceived to be narcissists by the narcissist - to him, they are his competitors. They compete with him on scarce narcissistic supply, attention, adulation, or applause. They are often entitled to things he is not and their behaviour is tolerated where his is reviled and rejected.

None of what I wrote hitherto contradicts the fact that children - especially his or her own - are the narcissist's favourite source of supply.

The narcissist often despises his sources of supply and deeply resents his dependence on them for the regulation of his wavering sense of self-worth.

Then there is the issue of emotions. The narcissist detests and abhors emotions.

This is the result of fear. The narcissist fears his pent-up emotions because most of them are terrifyingly and uncontrollably and violently negative. To the narcissist, emotions and their expression signify weakness and an irrevocable and unstoppable deterioration towards disintegration. And what provokes and reifies emotions more than children do? Thus, in the narcissist's twisted mind and to his thwarted emotional makeup, children constitute a threat.

5. Why do I Write Poetry?

My world is painted in shadows of fear and sadness. Perhaps they are related - I fear the sadness. To avoid the overweening, sepia melancholy that lurks in the dark corners of my being - I deny my own emotions. I do so thoroughly, with the single-mindedness of a survivor. I persevere through dehumanization. I automate my processes. Gradually, parts of my flesh turn into metal and I stand there, exposed to sheering winds, as grandiose as my disorder.

I write poetry not because I need to. I write poetry to gain attention, to secure adulation, to fasten on to the reflection in the eyes of others that passes for my ego. My words are fireworks, formulas of resonance, the periodic table of healing and abuse.

These are dark poems. A wasted landscape of pain ossified, of scarred remnants of emotions. There is no horror in abuse. The terror is in the endurance, in the dreamlike detachment from one's own existence that follows. People around me feel my surrealism. They back away, alienated, discomfited by the limpid placenta of my virtual reality. Now I am left alone and I write umbilical poems as others would converse.

Before and after prison, I have written reference books and essays. My first book of short fiction was critically acclaimed and commercially successful.

I tried my hand at poetry before, in Hebrew, but failed. 'Tis strange. They say that poetry is the daughter of emotion. Not in my case. I never felt except in prison - and yet there, I wrote in prose. The poetry I authored as one does math. It was the syllabic music that attracted me, the power to compose with words. I wasn't looking to express any profound truth or to convey a thing about myself. I wanted to recreate the magic of the broken metric. I still recite aloud a poem until it SOUNDS right. I write upright - the legacy of prison. I stand and type on a laptop perched atop a cardboard box. It is ascetic and, to me, so is poetry. A purity. An abstraction. A string of symbols open to exegesis. It is the most sublime intellectual pursuit in a world that narrowed down and has become only my intellect.

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next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 36

Often therapists, radio talk show hosts and others who provide relationship advice or coaching will tell you that in order to have a great relationship with your partner, you must first work on you.

While this is very good advice, something is missing. How do you do that?

You begin by really paying attention to what YOU need to be fulfilled as an individual. Focus on YOU! Think about how you are being when you are with yourself. Self inquire!

Here are a few questions to ask yourself. . .

1. Are you happy?
2. Sad?
3. Disappointed in where you are in the relationship you have with yourself?
4. Angry?
5. Resentful?
6. Loving some or most of the time but not all of the time?
7. Do you like you?
8. When you are alone do you feel lonely?
9. Are you always blaming others for what happens to you?
10. Do you know that something is missing in your life and you are not quite sure what it is?
11. Are you always looking back?
12. Do you know what it feels like to live in the present; to really be present to what is going on?
13. Have you lost sight of what you really would like to have in the area of relationships?
14. Do you know specifically what YOU need from a relationship?
15. Have you really ever thought seriously about that?
16. Are you feeling sorry for yourself?
17. Upset because of the kind of people you attract into your life?
18. Have you reached a point where it is pointless to complain because you now know that relationships are what you make of them?
19. Do you know down deep inside that there must be something better?

These are just a few questions we can answer that will cause us to begin to understand that no matter how hopeless or great things look, they can always be better. We have a choice in how our lives turn out! Choice is our greatest power.

How do you work on YOU? You begin to get totally honest with yourself. You begin holding yourself accountable for who you are in the matter; how YOU feel about the way things are. Then. . . if you decide (and only when you decide) to do something different, you promise yourself (and keep your promise) that you will do everything within your power to be happy instead of right! In other words, discontinue justifying what doesn't work and begin to do something different.

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How do you work on YOU? You read good books about relationships that stimulate your thinking; that inspire you to a better way of living. You attend seminars and workshops, not just about relationships, but those that stimulate you to change the way you have been. Become involved in a support group; one that supports you in being a better you.

You begin to journal; really getting honest with how you feel about things, what you think about things, how things "really are" instead of how you "think" things are, etc. Write it all down. Be honest with yourself! Read: For Your Eyes Only. Spend a lot of time thinking about what's happening right now, instead of dwelling on the past. Being concerned about something that has already happened and that you cannot change, keeps you stuck right where you are! You work on YOU!

What are the benefits of working on YOU? The reward for working on you is - you feel good about who you are! You really love you! Not the self-centered love that distracts you from being loving to others, but a genuine love of self; the kind of love you can share with others.

Loving you for who you are causes you to begin to feel like a whole person. At that time you may be ready for another relationship. Unless you wait for this magic moment, you may always continue to be disapointed with the relationships that show up in your life. Remember, like attracts like. Opposites do not attract. That is a myth!

If you cannot handle the most important relationship in your life - the one you have with yourself - then you will never be able to truly relate to the ambience of the coming together of two people. We spent so much of our time being concerned about the relationship we are in with someone else, that we forget about ourselves. This could be called "losing yourself in the relationship."

Many people agree that working on you takes discipline, determination and doing something different; changing your behavior! That is the key. The relationship we have with ourselves and the relationships we have with others are hard work. This, we know is true: We must work on them all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed, however, they must never be a struggle.

Relationships become a struggle when someone is not pulling their fair share of the load. It's hard to feel good about yourself, when you know you are letting your love partner down by not giving yourself full attention. It's difficult if not impossible to pay attention to the overall relationship unless you know how to focus attention on yourself FIRST.

Two broken people can't fix each other. You only have the choice to fix yourself! AND to begin, you have to acknowledge the problem. Broken people seem to attract each other because they can relate to, "Something is missing in this relationship!" The opposite is also true!

So. . . we must never stray from the path of self-discovery! We must always know where we stand with ourselves. The only way you can do this is to be attentive to, and intentional about having the best relationship with yourself that is humanly possible. This means you must always work on YOU first. When you are ready. . . a relationship with someone else will be there; you will find each other.

Can you imagine? Two, whole, healthy people. . . together. Each feeling good about themselves; loving themselves and sharing that love with each other.

Can you imagine? BOTH love partners working on the relationship they have with each other and supporting each other in their own personal growth!

If you believe it, really believe it, and make sure you are always doing the best you can to cause it to be this way. . . anything is possible. There is no other like you. This is it! Don't waste time!

Never stop working on YOU.

next: Men Have Feelings Too!

"Letters to Sam" author, Daniel Gottlieb, on the hurt of emotional pain and healing of emotional wounds.

Dear Sam,

Shortly after my accident, an occupational therapist introduced me to an anti-gravity device that would help me gain some use of my arms. The therapist strapped me into slings counterbalanced with springs, so my arms were literally weightless. Splints were attached to my hands. In each hand I held a pencil with the eraser-end pointing down. Using the feeling I still had in my shoulders to move my arms and hands and manipulate the erasers, I practiced turning the pages of a book. As my arms gained strength, the therapist reduced the springs' pressure so I would become strong enough to hold them up without the device. By the end of the week, I was able to turn pages without any assistance. My wife and the therapist were impressed by how quickly I'd been able to master this. "Look how much you've accomplished in one week!"

I felt complete despair.

"Five years ago," I said, "I wrote a three-hundred-fifty-page doctoral dissertation. And now you want me to be proud because I can turn a page?"

Sam, I know there will be times when you are hurt. Even now, when things don't go your way, you feel terrible emotional pain. But I hope you won't blame yourself or someone else for the pain. And, strange as it sounds, I also hope you will not listen to people who try to talk you out of your pain or show you ways to fix it. Because if you try too hard to fix pain, it only takes longer to heal!

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Inevitably, all pain is about longing for yesterday -- whatever we had before, whatever used to be. But when pain doesn't go away fast enough, we criticize ourselves for not getting over it, for not being strong enough, or even for being vulnerable in the first place.

Sam, that's not how wounds heal. They don't obey our wishes. Healing takes place in its own way and in its own time.

About a year after that bleak experience of struggling to turn a page, I was back at work. Alone in my office, I attempted to move a printed article from a filing cabinet and put it onto my desk where I could read it. A single staple held together the sheets of paper. As I slid the stapled sheets from the filing cabinet, they started to slither from my grasp. I knew from bad experience that if paper fell to the floor and lay flat, I would have to get someone else to come and pick it up. As the papers started to slide down again, I slowed them with the back of my hand pressing against the filing cabinet. As the papers landed on the floor, they formed a tent, staple-side up, that I knew I could recover. With careful maneuvering, I got my thumb under the staple and gingerly lifted the article up to my desk.

It took about twenty minutes. And as the article finally came to rest faceup on my desk, I felt great pride.

Then I thought back to the previous year. Why did I feel grief then and pride now?

A year before, I was longing for yesterday. This year, I was living in today.

My wound had been healing. Not because I wished it to, not on my timetable, and not by any fancy techniques. I wasn't even aware that I was healing until that moment in my office.

How did the healing come about? The way wounds heal is a miracle. Inevitably, they heal on their own. All we have to do is not let our hungry egos demand that the pain go away on a certain timetable. We need to have faith that the pain will pass. After all, pain is an emotion and no emotion stays forever.

Sam, you will meet a lot of well-meaning people who think they know ways that you can heal more quickly and feel less pain. They may be eager to suggest those ways and may even insist there are things you "should do." They do, indeed, mean well, and most are acting out of genuine caring. But before you take their advice, remember that everything a physical wound needs to heal is already in the body. Oxygen, blood, nutrients are all in there, ready to begin their work. And the moment you are wounded, the healing begins.

Emotional wounds are the same. Sometimes these wounds do not heal because the mind gets all involved and says things like "I should do this and I'll feel better," or "Maybe I could do that to repair the damage," or "I am hurting because of what another person did, and once they fix it, I will feel better."

All of this mind talk just interferes with the natural healing process. When you feel deeply hurt, you have everything you need in yourself to repair the damage. You want compassion, understanding, and nurturing in order to heal. But most of all, you need time.

When I am in a dark tunnel, I want to be with people who love me enough to sit in the darkness with me and not stand outside telling me how to get out. I think that's what we all want.

When you are hurt, be close to people who love you and who can tolerate your pain without passing judgment or giving you advice. As time passes, you will long less for what you had yesterday and experience more of what you have today.

Love,
Pop

Copyright © 2006 Daniel Gottlieb
excerpted from the book Letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb Published by Sterling; April 2006.

Daniel Gottlieb, a practicing psychologist and family therapist, is the host of "Voices in the Family" on WHYY, Philadelphia's National Public Radio affiliate. A columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer, he is author of two books, including a collection of his columns entitled Voices of Conflict; Voices of Healing. He is the father of two daughters, and Sam is his only grandson. The author's royalties will benefit Cure Autism Now and other children's health organizations. Visit www.letterstosam.com for more info.

next: Articles: The Giving Gift

Here are a few things that often point a finger to a cheater. While it is true that some of the following red flags may be sure-fire indicators, I've used the words "may suggest a cheater" because it may be wise to give your partner the benefit of the doubt when suspicions arise.

To accuse without evidence could cause the flame of your relationship - however much there is - to go out. If your partner is not cheating, then confrontation will most likely cause a major trust issue. It may be wise to consult a therapist or relationship coach with your suspicions before doing anything that could further damage the relationship.

What is cheating? Having sex with someone other than your marriage partner is the distinguishing factor that makes an affair a betrayal. That's cheating. Furthermore "any" situation that has you in a compromising position with someone other than your own partner. For example, going out with someone "without sex," sexy chats online with the opposite sex, or downloading porn, when you are supposedly in a committed relationship in my opinion is also considered cheating.

A broad rule of thumb is anything that you are doing with someone with the opposite sex that you would not want your partner to know. It's a matter of integrity and trust.

A betrayal of the heart is devastating. The secrecy of an affair makes honesty impossible. An affair is often only the tip of the iceberg. There are many problems below the surface that you must be committed to work on together. It's a complex and painful situation to be in.

Who cheats? People who lack integrity often cheat. People with low self-esteem often cheat. Some people are predisposed to cheat. The most common reason is that they are not getting their needs met by their partner. When you are getting your needs met in your relationship, most people agree that you are seldom tempted to look elsewhere.

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What are these needs? Obviously there are many needs that we all have. Participants in my "Relationship Enrichment LoveShops" consistently suggest that the three most primary needs for a woman are affection, understanding and, most of all, respect. A man's three most basic needs are appreciation, acceptance and trust. Love is a given. There are many others, AND when needs do not get fulfilled, some people look for someone else who can fulfill their needs.

Often people who are separated from their spouse will begin to see others before the divorce is final and attempt to justify their actions by saying that the relationship has been over for years. There is never a good reason to cheat while you are still in a marriage.

Beware of snooping! Looking at your partner's credit card or telephone bill for excess charges or checking their e-mail for tale-tale signs is a no-no. Nosy people can usually find something to justify their suspicions, however prying excessively is a destructive action that should be curtailed.

Before you snoop. . . STOP! Take a look at why you are "really" snooping. Could it be that your own insecurities might be the cause of your suspicions? Think about it.

Jealousy is only and always a demonstration of our own insecurities and low self-esteem. People who are jealous may also have a problem with trusting because of past experiences. This is something only they can work on. You can only offer them love and support and encourage them to work on their self-esteem.

Jealousy also comes from fear; fear of losing the one you love. This is mostly caused from anxiety: a concern about what "might" happen.

Insecurities bring forth jealousy, which, in effect, is a cry for more love. It is within our rights to ask for more affection when self-doubts surface, however, the indirect way that jealousy asks for it is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is inappropriate. Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person we may fear losing.

If your partner's behavior in one of the following areas hoists a red flag, remember, it may not necessarily be cause for alarm. Weigh your words. Think before you accuse. Proceed with caution.

1 - When they no longer wants sex or makes excuses.

2 - When they will not allow you access to their computer or they suddenly shut down the computer when you walk into the room. They may password protect their laptop or computer to keep out suspicious eyes. Or they stay up to "work" on the computer after you go to bed. Excessive internet usage, especially late at night, is a red flag.

3 - When they begin to put distance between you or show a lack of interest in what has been the routine with few, if any, excuses.

4 - When they suddenly have to work late and have all kinds of new obligations that take them away from home repeatedly or for long periods of time. Or. . . they tell you they are working longer hours and discontinue allowing you to view their paycheck or paystubs.

5 - When they get mysterious phone calls or when they hurry to answer the phone, leave the room to talk on the phone and when you ask who called, they say, "No one," or "Wrong number."

6 - When they suddenly need a cell phone or pager and you are discouraged from ever looking at it or using it. They also may make certain their cellphone or pager cannot be answered by you by hiding it or taking it with them wherever they go. They are secretive about their cellphone or pager bill and pay it themselves when you have always paid the bill in the past.

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7 - When they arrive home smelling faintly of perfume/cologne or another person's body.

8 - When they arrive home and head straight into the shower or bath.

9 - When they have lipstick or strange hairs on their clothing or in the car. Finding strange phone numbers, receipts or condoms can also be clues.

10 - When they suddenly begins to treat you extremely nice; more so than usual.

11 - When they begin to make "kinky" requests or suggest wildly erotic play during sex including things you have never done before. They may also show an increased interest in sex or sexual things, including porn.

12 - When they talk to you they treat you abusively or with disdain, disrespect or excess sarcasm. They may also demonstrate an unexplained aloofness or indifference in the relationship. Or. . . they may begin to find fault in everything you do in an attempt to justify the affair.

13 - Her: When she gets spiffied up and dresses provocative to "go grocery shopping" or to "get her hair done." She may also show up with a sudden change of hair style. Him: When he showers, shaves (cologne, deodorant, etc.) and dresses up more than usual to "go out with his buddies" or to "go fishing."

14 - When they break their established routine at work and home for no apparent or logical reason.

15 - When they become suddenly forgetful and you have to tell him/her everything several times; their thoughts are elsewhere.

16 - When they are always tired or demonstrate a noticeable lack of energy or interest in the relationship.

17 - When they begin to intentionally look at or flirt with the opposite sex when in the past, this is something they would not have done.

18 - When you notice that they reluctant to kiss you or accept your affection.

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19 - When they ignore or criticize your affections and thoughtful ways.

20 - When your phone bill shows an increase in unexplained toll or long distance charges. Often when a partner is acting too close or flirting with a best friend of the opposite sex, you will find their phone number listed excessively.

21 - When the passenger seat in the car has been changed and is not in the usual position or the mileage on the car is more than usual. Also increased gas purchases that are inconsistent with the amount of miles on the car.

22 - When they begin to keep a change of clothes hidden in the trunk of the car or an unusual amount of clothes changes at the gym.

23 - When you notice credit card charges for gifts (such as florist or jewelry) that you didn't receive.

24 - When they begin to make sudden and excessive purchases of clothes or an unexplained change in clothing style. Begining to purchase sexy underwear or lingerie may be a clue.

25 - When you notice an increase in ATM withdrawals. Cheating costs money! To play you must pay!

26 - When you notice that your partner loses their ability and desire to show the children the attention they need or a lack of desire to do any fix-ups around the house, e.g., lawn care, painting, cleaning the garage, house repairs, etc.

27 - When you notice an increased attention to losing weight or paying more attention to their appearance.

28 - When they begin to volunteer to go to the post office, rushes to check the mail before you do or opens up a new P.O. box.

29 - When your partner shows up without their wedding ring or suddenly stops wearing it and makes lame excuses as to why.

Surviving the emotional crash of an affair is possible!

In the book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, Janis Abrahms Spring says: "Trust can be restored and the relationship saved if three things exist:

1 - Unfaithful partners have to be able to experience compassion for the harm they have caused and be able to feel remorse and apologize;

2 - Unfaithful partners have to be able to look honestly and deeply into themselves and understand WHY they strayed;

3 - Unfaithful partners have to be willing to do the work necessary to EARN back trust (and be patient with their partner while they do)!

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The betrayed partner has to be willing to forgive! If you think you cannot forgive, then recovery may not be possible!

Read: Forgiveness. . . What's it For?

Though we find no evidence of anything noble in someone who has betrayed us, neither is there anything noble in our bitterness. - Guy Finley

Learning to trust again takes time; lots of time, perhaps even years. The deeper the wound, the longer the healing. Talking with your partner about the affair when the need to talk surfaces is another important factor of healing the relationship. However, consistently bringing up the past excessively or "throwing it back in their face" only and always reopens the wound and prolongs and often prohibits the completion of the healing process.

Your partner must learn to listen and offer whatever support you need without becoming defensive or angry. The guilty partner needs to know that patience is a virtue that must be practiced for the relationship to heal.

Effective communication is a requirement of a healthy, wholesome, happy and successful relationship! There is no other way.

Trust is the very foundation of a healthy love relationship! There can be no trust without conversation; no genuine intimacy without trust.

The betrayed one only needs to know two things:

1 - What caused the affair, and

2 - What assurance they have that it will never happen again!

Although the one betrayed may think they need to know "all" the details, they don't. This is never a good idea! That would only cause deeper feelings of hurt.

By the way, an affair is seldom, if ever, only one partner's fault! Always remember, relationship problems are shared problems. Each partner must take their share of the responsibility for what happened.

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If the betrayed love partner really loves the other and is willing to work through the pain of a changing relationship, the other partner hopefully will thank their lucky stars that their partner is willing to give them another chance and must work their butt off to earn forgiveness, respect and trust that the relationship must have to survive. Both partners need to set new goals for the relationship and develop new ways to create intimacy; emotionally, physically and spiritually.

You both need to look at what was missing in your relationship that caused the cheating to occur in the first place.

An affair doesn't have to signal the end of a relationship. In fact, if both love partners are willing to work hard, an affair can bring problems that were lurking in the depths of the relationship up to the surface for the purpose of healing. It can also be the means for drawing the couple closer together.

For the relationship to move forward, however, saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough. Just because your love partner is no longer cheating doesn't mean the problem has disappeared. If they want another chance, they must immediately break off "all" contact with the other woman/man; no phone calls, no letters, no e-mail, nothing! They also needs to explore, both in their own mind and in discussions with you, "why" they had the affair. "I don't know!" is never a good answer. Saying "I don't know!" stops the inquiry.

The healing process for betrayal requires patience, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and most important, Love. Love that is consistently demonstrated in words and deeds.

NOTE: Clicking on a book cover or link below will take you to that book on Amazon.com where you will find the list price, the price you will pay, how many $$$ you will save, how fast you can get it and if you choose, you can add it to your shopping cart and purchase the book. Shopping online with Amazon.com is 100% safe. GUARANTEED.

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The More You Know: Getting the Evidence and Support You Need to Investigate a Troubled Relationship - Bill Mitchell - This book is a straightforward guide for individuals, investigators, attorneys, clergy, and counselors - anyone who needs to know right away whether a spouse is cheating. Chapters cover the eight telltale signs of adultery, how to obtain proof of infidelity which can be used in a court of law and can influence asset and custody settlements, and how to pick up the pieces of one's life and move on.

Larry's Review: This well written book gives you direction when you have experienced the ultimate betrayal - adultery!

Thinking of cheating? Before you do. . . read the following book!

Beyond the Wedding Vows : Circumstances, Choices, Consequences of an Extramarital Affair - Carmella Antonino - A brilliant, non-judgmental guide for women caught in the dark side of marriage. Carmella explores, explains and exposes the myths of marriage, extra-marital affairs and the everlasting effects of going beyond the wedding vows.

Larry's Review: No psychological jargon here. Just the facts. Highly recommended.

Is He Cheating on You?: 829 Telltale Signs - Ruth Houston - According to statistics, 3 out of 4 men cheat on their wives. Two out of 3 of those women - approximately 26 million women -- have no idea that they're being cheated on. As widespread as infidelity is, most of it goes undetected - despite the presence of numerous telltale signs.

Larry's Review: If you gotta know if he's cheating, this is the book to read! Documented and reliable red flags that may indicate your relationship is in trouble.

Adultery: The Forgivable Sin - Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. - This book tackles a thorny problem that visits about 70% of married couples these days: infidelity. The tendency for infidelity is transgenerational - indeed, that in nine out of ten cases, there's unfaithfulness in the family trees of either the betrayer or the betrayed (causing individuals either to repeat inherited patterns of unfaithfulness or to seek out partners who are bound to betray them).

Larry's Review: This book will give you directions to the road to recovery from the ultimate betrayal; infidelity. Highly recommended. Note: Read Forgiveness: What's It For?.

Infidelity: A Survival Guide - Don-David Lusterman, Ph.D. - Couples who work hard can save their marriages following an affair: "People often find that once infidelity is discovered and its aftereffects are behind them, their relationship is stronger than before, and subsequent infidelity is unlikely." This isn't true only of married couples - Lusterman points out that people in long-term, committed relationships, whether straight or gay, face the same devastating emotions and have to go through a similar rebuilding process if they want to remain together after one has strayed.

Larry's Review: If you are doing your best to cope with infidelity in your relationship, I suggest that you read this book. Amazing insight and practical guidelines to moving past and surviving infidelity.

Adultery: Facing Its Reality - William F. Mitchell, Jr. - This book is written by experienced private investigator, William F. Mitchell Jr., for the purpose of helping men and women of all ages and backgrounds who find themselves victimized by the adultery of their spouses, and can often find no tangible and thematically appropriate help in their personal and marital crisis.

Larry's Review: William Mitchell zeros in on the "eight warning signs" to look for. Comprehensive and informative, this book spotlights the sleazy secrets of cheaters. Highly recommended.

 

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next: Poem by Larry: See You At the Beach!

What should parents do after discovering their child is a self-injurer? Find out here.

It's very hard for a parent to deal with a child in pain. And it's even harder when a parent feels that he or she has exhausted the knowledge and resources available that might help solve a particular problem. When a child is cutting or engaging in any other form of self-injury, these feelings of pain and helplessness are multiplied.

When parents see the wounds on their teen's arms, they often react in fear, shock, and anger. They threaten. They beg. They want it to stop. According to Wendy Lader, Ph.D., founder of S.A.F.E. Alternatives, a residential program for self-injurers, "Two common reactions are either to become furious at the teen and to punish her, or to minimize the behavior as a phase or bid for attention and to ignore it."

But Licensed Counselor Leslie Vernick says a teen's really saying, Help, I'm hurting and I don't know how to deal with my pain!

"Endorphins released during cutting often soothe some deeper emotional pain—rejection, depression, self-hatred, or helplessness," Vernick explains. A teen who self-injures finds instant release through the biochemical reaction and correlates cutting with comfort.

Lader describes self-injury as "self-medication." Cutters haven't learned to express their emotions, so the feelings persist. "The teen uses physical pain to communicate something she's unable or unwilling to put into words," explains Vernick. "She needs help to process whatever emotional pain she feels so she'll learn healthy ways of dealing with hurts instead."

The first step for parents is to focus on your teen's deeper emotional needs. "If you discover your child's self-injuring, ask lots of questions. Is this a one-time thing? Is it a pattern? What did your child hope to accomplish by doing this?" Vernick advises. "Check other body parts. Arms and legs are favorite spots for cutting; if you spot old marks, don't hesitate to get professional help ASAP."

Lader also advises parents that "if you have a child who engages in self-injury, learning more about self-injury can help you understand why it occurs and help you develop a compassionate but firm approach."

You can also take positive action by consulting your pediatrician or family doctor, who can provide an initial evaluation or a referral to a mental health specialist.

Resource:

One book that might help you understand self-injurious behaviors is: When Your Child is Cutting. This book tells parents why self-injury happens, how to spot it when it is happening, and how to address this sensitive topic with confidence. It outlines a clear and simple plan for approaching a child who self-injures-because good communication is a necessary first step in healing. By helping them assess their situation and locate the best kinds of professional help, this book strives to support and reassure parents as they move through this difficult experience.

"Having a healthy sense of detachment is the working foundation for an intimate relationship. We heal in relationship with ourselves and with others."

A couple of months ago I wrote an article entitled "A Nation Unaware" that served as a way for me to process the events of my childhood. I believe there is a strong correlation between childhood abuse, codependency, addiction, compulsion, lack of identity, and the national consciousness of the country.

Article I

Codependency . . . . . .

. . . . How can I control your actions and feelings so I can feel good about how I feel inside; since I can't tell where I quit and you begin. And since I can't tell where I quit and you begin, I have become compulsive about controlling your feelings and actions.

A Nation Unaware

"I'll beat you to a pulp!" An adult out of control; a child looking at someone bigger than they are; and a beating that lasts a lifetime with no recourse except to submit.

Thirty six years later the violence continues to haunt me around each corner and in each decision. I still hear the fury in her voice and the rhythm of each cutting blow as the belt whirls down onto my naked bottom, "Don't (hit) you (hit) ever (hit) do (hit) that (hit) again (hit) (hit) (hit) (hit) (hit)." Naked and unprotected, my body parts squeeze together tightly to absorb the rage inflicted onto my young body. After the fury is expelled, she holds her weapon of abuse in my face and says, "Stop that crying right now!"

After the violence, and alone without comfort, I don't remember anyone saying, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have beaten you." We all kept pretending like it never happened. How come God lets little kids go through this? Why does this continue to happen?

I've grown up to be a codependent. And just like my mom and dad, a codependent is someone who is uncomfortable with someone else's feelings or actions, to the point that they feel compelled to control that other person. A codependent is a control addict who is obsessed with controlling and compulsively tries to control. They're unable to cope with the terror of their own feelings, so they try to control the feelings and actions of other people.

Codependents are connected in an unhealthy way to the people and even the objects in their environment. They constantly react as if there was some invisible and painful cord connecting them to other people. This makes it almost impossible for them to listen without becoming reactionary. Talking with a codependent may leave you feeling hurt and empty or like you haven't been heard at all. Chances are, you haven't been heard.

My daughter might say to me, "I don't like going to school." My reactionary response to her might be something like,"Don't be silly, your friends are at school so just get going to school now." By calling her "silly" I've discounted her feelings. Now, not only does she feel bad about going to school, but she feels bad about feeling bad. I do this because I'm uncomfortable with her feelings. I am codependent with her; attached to her in some unhealthy and invisible way.

Now considering that I've attached myself to her, how does she grow and become a fully functioning human being with all this extra weight to cart around? The answer is she can't. It is impossible for her to become a functioning, self aware, and independent adult under these conditions. She will become codependent just like me.

It will become painfully apparent to her that her actions and feelings will somehow trigger me. She will become a "people pleaser" to avoid having to deal with my reactions to her. She knows she can't be herself without me reacting to her, so she becomes what she thinks I want her to be. This is how children of codependents learn to survive. They can't be themselves so they become what they think will keep them from getting hurt.

She'll learn how to control other people by being a "people pleaser." She'll become very good at guessing how I feel and very poor at knowing how she feels. Her focus will become directed towards other people outside of herself. She'll obsessively try to figure out what everyone else needs and not be able to figure out what she needs. And if someone resents her for trying to take care of their needs without being asked, she will become angry and resentful because it scares her not to take care of someone else.

Codependents blame other people for how they feel. Obviously, if a codependent is attached to you, they are going to blame you for how they feel. They've been trained to believe that their feelings are the results of other peoples actions and feelings.

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As the belt came sizzling down onto my bare skin, I could feel the rage in my mother. The rage seemed to carry a message that said, "How dare you make me feel this way; and you're going to pay for it!" Codependents claim they are victims of someone else's actions and feelings. I still hear the cry of a victim behind my mothers words, "How dare you victimize me, I'm going to get even with you now so you won't ever do this again."

I remember feeling the shame that I had somehow hurt my mother. I think this is how she must have justified beating me and expelling her anger and rage onto me. Somehow she had believed that I had hurt her by being myself. So in order to survive, I became something other than myself (a false self).

It's going to take a long time for our country to heal from child abuse and codependency. We have become a nation of codependents. If you haven't noticed, we are very good at recognizing what other nations need and very poor at recognizing what we need. We take care of other countries better than we take care of our own. This codependent skill is something we are going to have to get rid of before we become self aware as a nation. And once we become self aware as a nation, we may begin to heal our problems from the inside out and not the other way around.

end.

What I had originally termed as "codependency," I now change to the term "direct dependence." Codependency refers to a person who becomes dependent on another person; and that other person is dependent on something else like alcohol, drugs, etc. An example would be the stereotype of the wife who becomes dependent with a husband who is addicted to alcohol. The prefix "co" means shared. In this case the word codependency means shared dependence. Co-addict is another term used for the same behavior. It means shared addiction. An addiction and a dependency are the same thing.

In my own case, my mom was not dependent with me as a result of my having a dependency on alcohol or drugs, etc. My mom was directly dependent on me. My mom was addicted to me; not codependent with me. Fortunately, however the terms have evolved or are being used, the concepts for recovery are the same.

next: Section II: I'm Afraid to Say
~ all Art of Healing articles
~ addictions library articles
~ all addictions articles

If your child has been off ADHD medication during the summer break, how soon should your child go back on medication before school starts?

Back to School, Back to ADHD Meds

Was your child off of her ADHD medications during the summer break? If so, you may want to restart it at least a week or two before school starts to get back the routine of taking her medicine each day. This is especially important if your child is taking Strattera, which can take two or three weeks to even begin working.

Otherwise, says Vincent Iannelli, M.D., About.com's pediatric expert, the start of school is not a real good time to make any big changes in your child's treatment regimen. Your child will already be faced with new teachers and classes and perhaps a new school and new friends. It may help to give your child a few weeks to adjust to the new year before making any changes to her medication, especially if you are considering stopping her ADHD medicine altogether.

Of course, if the medication isn't working very well at all or if your child is having side effects, then a change in medication might be a good idea.

Dr. Iannelli says it is also important not to get too far past the beginning of the school year before you try to correct any problems. If your child is failing or having a lot of behavior problems, then waiting until the end of the semester or winter break may be too long. Talk to your child's teachers and her doctor early if she is struggling at school, either socially or with her work, so that you can intervene and help to work things out.

Even for kids with ADHD that are doing well in school, afterschool and homework time can be a struggle. If your child is on a short-acting stimulant for ADHD in the morning and at lunch time, then it may be wearing off by the time she is out of school. Another dosage of medication afterschool may help her concentrate and pay attention while she does her homework. Or consider one of the newer once-a-day stimulant medications, such as Concerta and Adderall XR, which often work for 10-12 hours and continue to work afterschool.

Sources:

• Dr. Vincent Iannelli is About.com's pediatric expert.

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next: Selecting the Right Medication for Your ADHD Child
~ adhd library articles
~ all add/adhd articles