8 Ways To Happiness: Responsibility

"Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will - his personal responsibility. -- Albert Einstein

1) Responsibility
2) Deliberate Intent
3) Acceptance
4) Beliefs
5) Gratitude
6) This Moment
7) Honesty
8) Perspective

1) Take Ownership Of Your Emotions

If you're going to work towards happiness, you will need to know who controls your happiness. It's a fairly common belief that a person can make another person feel bad. "She made me angry." "He upset her." "He really pissed the boss off this time."

I am going to challenge this idea and propose that...

You can not, in any way, ever, MAKE someone feel anything.

When I have talked to people about this idea, they inevitably bring up the time when someone had upset them or made them angry. They say to me, "they caused my anger for if they had not been there, and said what they did, I would not have been angry."

I can understand cause and effect in the physical world. I push the pencil and it rolls. I drop a glass and it shatters. But cause and effect don't translate very well into the emotional world.

When someone says something to you, are the words going directly into your brain and switching on your "I'm upset" lever? When someone gives you the evil eye, are they shooting laser beams into your brain pushing your afraid button? When someone makes an unfavorable comment about your hair and you become offended, are they sending invisible "offend waves" causing your response? No, of course not. How can words, sent out as sound waves and picked up by your ears then translate into an emotional response? Is there nothing between those sound waves and your response?


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I think people have difficulty understand this concept of responsibility for their emotions because they make no distinction between influence and control.

Influence & Control

There is a difference between the terms influence and control. Influence has the potential to impact. It's indirect. Control has a direct effect on a result. Lets look at one example and see how influence and control play out.

Terry is Mark's wife. They're having some financial difficulties and make an agreement to hold off on major purchases until they're out of debt. One day while shopping, Terry sees a watch she loves and purchases it for $350.00. When Mark sees the credit card bill, he explodes in anger. "How could you?!?, he screams at Terry, "you know we're in debt!"

What caused Mark's anger? Was it their financial situation? The credit card company? Terry's purchase? The watch? All of the above?

In this particular case, none of them. Mark believes a "good husband" provides well for his family. When the bill for the watch came due, he almost instantly felt bad about himself for not being able to afford such things for her. His belief about what it means to be a good husband gave Terry's action a particular meaning, i.e.: he's not a good husband because he can't afford the watch. He looks for the cause of his feeling bad and sees Terry. He becomes angry at her for making him feel this way.

Terry, their financial situation, the credit card bill, were all influences on Mark's belief about what it means to be a good husband. This is worth repeating. People and circumstances can have INFLUENCES on our beliefs. (The perverbial "He pushed my button.") But YOU have direct CONTROL over what you believe. Who controls what Mark believes? Who else could it be, but Mark. If Mark is the steward of his beliefs, then he has the power to examine and change those beliefs if he so chooses.

Outside stimuli like people and events can have influence (triggers) on our beliefs but it's you and you alone that give meaning to those influences. No one can make you feel anything. Sure, they have influence. But it's you alone that controls your beliefs.

Still not convinced? Let's change Mark's beliefs about what it means to be a good husband and see what happens.


Mark no longer believes he has to provide well for his wife to think of himself as a good husband. (He has a list of other things, but providing well isn't one of them.) It's no longer a prerequisite. They're in the same situation, struggling financially, and Terry has purchased the expensive watch. Mark sees the bill.

He doesn't become angry because he doesn't question his value as a husband, but he is curious what happened since he and Terry had agreed to hold off on major purchases. He asks Terry about the bill. As it turns out, Terry had been feeling the desire for some type of luxury in her life. She's been scrimping and saving for three months now and wanted to treat herself. She agrees she's broken their agreement, apologizes and they discuss her feeling deprived. They decide that they will treat themselves to one nice dinner out a month to celebrate their financial restraint.

Mark changed his belief and by changing the belief, he changed his emotional response. Terry and her purchase were only influences on Mark. Those influences were powerless when the belief was changed. If Terry and her purchase were the cause of Mark's anger, then he would have become angry regardless of his changed belief.

  • The good news is no one can make you feel unhappy.
  • The really good news is you can not make anyone else unhappy.
  • And the really, REALLY good news is you can make yourself happy by adjusting the beliefs that cause your misery.

Claim your beliefs, feelings and actions as your own. Take back the reins of ownership, responsibility, and consequential control that comes with ownership. Let's take that outstretched finger we've been pointing at every one else, and turn it back towards ourselves. Not in blame, guilt or judgment, but for answers and growth.

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

-- Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning


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next: 8 Ways To Happiness: Deliberate Intent

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). 8 Ways To Happiness: Responsibility, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/creating-relationships/8-ways-to-happiness-responsibility

Last Updated: August 6, 2014

Home Education Information in the UK

A number of parents in the UK now choose, or are forced, into educating their children at home. Below are resources with information on various aspects of home educating your children.

Home Education Advisory Service

"The Home Education Advisory service is a registered charity that gives advice, information and support to parents who are educating their children at home. They produce a range of publications and leaflets and provide consultancy services to professionals. Subscribers to HEAS receive a quarterly magazine, regional membership lists and access to the HEAS Advice Line."

Home Education Advisory Service, PO Box 98, Welwyn Garden City, Herts AL8 6AN - Tel: 01707 371 854
Email: inquiries@HES.org.uk

Educate Online

Educate online is run by Chris Smith (a home educator) from Weston-super-Mare. Includes some excellent resources for home educators.

Education Otherwise

A UK-based membership organisation which provides support and information for families whose children are being educated outside school, and for those who wish to uphold the freedom of families to take proper responsibility for the education of their children."

The Satellite School

If you are home schooling in the UK, it is possible to get your LEA to fund The Satellite School. Note the word "possible", as it is not necessarily easy and varies between LEA's, but then nothing involving an LEA is ever easy, well not the ones we've come across anyway. Here's what The Satellite School say about themselves..... "If you're a parent, or a professional involved with children who are not receiving a full-time school education then you'll be interested in Satellite School's new and proven solution to their educational problems. We offer a full-time education, following the UK National Curriculum, for the chronic sick (including ME/CFS sufferers), pupils recovering from illness/injury, special needs, school-phobics, excluded pupils, and children whose parents prefer home education."

Human Scale Education

A charity which promotes and advises on small schools and other initiatives which support human scale values in education


 


 

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). Home Education Information in the UK, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/adhd/articles/home-education-information

Last Updated: May 6, 2019

Women and Sex: Table of Contents

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). Women and Sex: Table of Contents, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/psychology-of-sex/women-and-sex-toc

Last Updated: April 9, 2016

Interview Mental-Health Today - Excerpts Part 40

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 40

1. Chat hosted by Mental-Health-Today

The edited transcript appeared here - http://www.mental-health-today.com/narcissistic/transcripts.htm

Introduction

Patty, Webmistress of Mental-Health-Today:

I would like to now introduce our speaker for tonight Sam Vaknin, Ph. D., author of "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited" is not a mental health professional though he is certified in psychological counseling techniques He is the editor of Mental Health Disorders categories in the Open Directory Project and on Mentalhelp.net. He maintains his own websites about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and about relationships with abusive narcissists here and in Healthy Place.

Sam Vaknin is also the editor of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder topic in Suite101, the moderator of the Narcissistic Abuse List and other mailing lists (c. 3900 members).

It is also interesting to know that Dr.Vaknin himself has the NPD.

Question from saved:

Thanks to Sam! I have read your writings on narcissists and inverted narcissists that were abused as kids. I was wondering, why do some people who were abused end up as neither a narcissist or an inverted narcissist?

Sam Vaknin:

This is an intriguing question. It would seem that the PROPENSITY to develop pathological narcissism may be GENETICALLY determined.

The development of pathological narcissism also depends on other factors such as whether the person is first born, whether he or she was abused by parents, by peers, or by role models (such as teachers) and whether the abuse was of the classic kind (physical, sexual, or verbal) or of another type.

Many people are not aware that there are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification.

To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless - is to abuse.

So, this is an interaction between nature and nurture. Read more in my journal entry - "The Selfish Gene" - here: http://samvak.tripod.com/journal1.html

Question from saved:

If there are 2 narcissistic parents who together have 2 kids, would it make sense that one child might be treated as their "perfect God-like child" and the other would be treated with physical and verbal abuse, and treated like a trash dump?

Sam Vaknin:

Yes, it is. Narcissists idealize or devalue people. They split people into "good, rewarding, satisfying" objects and "frustrating, withholding, bad" people.

They idealize any and every person - including their own children - if they believe the child can serve as a source of narcissistic supply (attention, adulation, admiration, affirmation, etc.).

If the child is perceived by them as a POOR source of supply - either because he or she is insufficiently submissive and obsequious or because the child is imperfect (sick, "stupid") - they devalue the child.

A child that reflects poorly on the narcissist's self-perceived perfection, brilliance, status, etc. - is doomed.

The narcissist lacks empathy. He is cruel. His children are on constant trial. Abuse is the penalty for any disagreement with the parent, criticism, or for being independent, an autonomous individual with own needs, wishes and boundaries.

Question from oakknoll:

Is it typical for a male narcissist to have multiple girlfriends at the same time, telling all of them that they are loved treating them as if they are all cherished and lying to all at the same time acting charming and juggling all of these women at the same time?

Sam Vaknin:

Yes, it is very typical of a certain kind of narcissist - the somatic. This is a narcissist - 75% of them are males - who derives his narcissistic supply from the condition and performance of his body: sexual prowess, attractiveness, body-building, exercising, grooming, etc.




These narcissists need a constant stream of reassurances in the form of sexual exploits, "girlfriends", liaisons and sexual adventures, often extra-marital.

Very similar to desensitization to a drug - the dose has to be increased with time to achieve any kind of stimulation. Hence the multiple affairs.

Lying is typical of all kinds of narcissists.

Malignant narcissists maintain a FALSE SELF - essentially, an invented Ideal Ego which replaces their TRUE SELF and confines it to degeneration and fossilization.

The narcissist IS false, IS invented, IS fiction, IS an illusion and a narrative. So, he sees nothing wrong in lying, inventing, and, ultimately, in losing all touch with reality.

Add to this the fact that narcissists regard other human beings as you might regard your electrical appliances - useful as long as they function to be discarded when they don't - and lying becomes completely understandable and predictable in the narcissist's diseased mind.

Question from Aria:

I recently ended a 2 year relationship with a man who after six months went to a psychiatrist as I thought he had anger management....he was diagnosed with bi-polar and narcissism and for a year improved greatly on medication but then his mother died.

In reviewing your website I read the literature on invert narcissism and now believe my Mom was narcissistic but never had a relationship like this before, was married 22 years but this man engulfed me for lack of a better word.. The catalyst came when his Mom passed away

I am now becoming aware that I may have invert narcissistic tendencies and 2) did the death of his Mom cause the massive self-destruction he is going through now?

Sam Vaknin:

One should be very careful with the self-"diagnosis" of Inverted Narcissism. There are many forms of co-dependency. IN (Inverted Narcissism) is that specific variant of co-dependence where the co-dependent member of a couple is attracted irresistibly to people DIAGNOSED with the NPD. And ONLY to people diagnosed with the NPD.

As to your second question:

Yes, the death of the narcissist's parent - and especially his mother - is a crucial, regressive, event. The narcissist - typically - has numerous unresolved conflicts with his mother.

Moreover, certain "parts" of his mother are "inside" the narcissist's psyche (as introjects). Her voice reverberates in him constantly, as it were.

When she dies, the narcissist is not only denied closure - but he finds himself unable to re-enact (replay) some fundamental conflicts. Additionally, it is, literally, as though part of him died.

If the narcissist is somatic there is also the issue of confronting ageing and death.

Narcissists are people without boundaries. They are not sure where they end - and other people begin. Having been treated as extensions of their parents during early childhood, they find it difficult to separate and individuate (become individuals). The identification with the parent is so strong that many narcissists maintain an on-going relationship with their mother or father - while unable to commit to other meaningful or significant others.

Question from femfree:

Why do his victims feel they are turning into narcissists themselves?

Sam Vaknin:

Femfree, special welcome. Femfree has edited the "Narcissism Book of Quotes".

The best primer to abusive relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. To your question:

Narcissism is contagious. The narcissism creates a "bubble universe", similar to a cult. In this bubble, special rules apply.




These rules do not always correspond to outer reality.

Using complex defence mechanisms, such as projective identification, the narcissist forces his victims - spouse, mate, friend, colleague - to "play a role" assigned to him by "God" - the narcissist.

The narcissist rewards compliance with his script and punishes any deviation from it with severe abuse.

In other words, the narcissist CONDITIONS people around him using intimidation, positive and negative reinforcements and feedback, ambient abuse ("gaslighting"), covert, or controlling abuse, and overt, classical abuse.

Thus conditioned, the narcissist's victims gradually come to assimilate the narcissist's way of thinking (follies a-deux) and his modus operandi - his methods.

You can abandon the narcissist - but the narcissist never abandons you.

He is there, deep inside your traumatic memories, lurking, waiting to act out. You have been modified, very much like an alien snatching bodies.

Question from oakknoll:

Is the disorder more common in only children? And in general what is the prognosis for recovery from NPD? Do you believe they are capable of really loving another person other than a parent?

Sam Vaknin:

Regarding your first question, NPD is diagnosed in early adolescence. There are TRANSIENT, or REACTIVE forms of narcissism that are diagnosed later in life (Roningstam, 1996).

Some scholars believed that pathological narcissism is a reaction to setbacks and narcissistic injuries (Freud, Kohut, Kernberg) - and it is always with us, waiting to be triggered by personal misfortune.

As to your second question - it is poor.

Narcissists react very poorly to intervention because they are paranoid and they feel superior to the therapist.

Long term improvement has been achieved with psychodynamic therapies. Short term gains were produced with cognitive-behavioural therapies.

Some behaviours - like dysphorias (depression) and obsessive-compulsive behaviour patterns can be ameliorated with medication. But the rate of remission is high.

The answer to the third question is simple: No, period.

Narcissists cannot love others because they don't love their TRUE self. They "love" a fiction - the FALSE SELF. They are full of feelings of inferiority and self-loathing and they are very sadistic and self-punishing when they incur a narcissistic injury (when they "fail"). You can't love others if you do not love yourself. Moreover, narcissists do not understand what it means to be human (i.e., they lack empathy).

To them other people are bi-dimensional, cartoon, cardboard cutouts, or, at most, an audience. Others are FUNCTIONS, INSTRUMENTS, EXTENSIONS. They, therefore, cannot be loved for what THEY ARE but only for WHAT THEY PROVIDE. This is no real love. It is a utilitarian relationship - an inversion of the way the narcissist was treated by his own parents.

Question from Patty:

I am in and out of denial about a man who is NPD I am semi involved with. His behaviour is always after we see one another he doesn't want to have any contact or communication with me for awhile until he decides he wants to see me again and it is always on his terms. I finally confronted him with this behaviour in an email and asked him why today saying it was important in regards to me seeing him again and he did not write back. What's the deal?

He also seems to get "hurt" easily and it takes him awhile to recover from things I say.

Sam Vaknin:

Patty, great many thanks for this forum and for your invaluable contribution to disseminating mental health knowledge.

Narcissists are easily hurt because of their unrealistic expectations from other people.

They expect others to swallow whole their false self - a deception.




They feel entitled to special treatment. They demand to be exempted from rules and conventions - legal as well as social.

Any hint of criticism, or disagreement - any indication that you see the narcissist for what he really is - is perceived by the narcissist as a THREAT. Narcissistic injuries upset the precarious and delicate balance between the competing parts of the narcissist's personality. They upset the apple cart.

Narcissist are terrified of intimacy and commitment - and, yet, they crave it. They are afraid of it because intimacy threatens to "expose" their fictitious nature, their invented identities and biographies, their vulnerabilities.

Yet, they crave it because they need someone by their side who can provide them with a constant and regulated stream of narcissistic supply.

This phenomenon - of initiating an approach and then vanishing rudely and inexplicably - is called "approach-avoidance repetition complex". It is very damaging to the self-esteem of the partner and provokes in her or him strong feelings of guilt and shame.

Question from BCurious:

Are there instances of Ns seeing their dog as an extension of themselves, if say the father is dead, the mother elderly, and a poor emotional connection with the wife? Sorry for the earlier line jumping incident!

Sam Vaknin:

Yes - see this: FAQ 53

Any thing can serve as a source of Narcissistic supply, providing that it has the potential to attract people' attention and be the subject of their admiration.

Narcissists relate to objects - including pets and humans - as either accumulators or discarders.

Roughly, they either COLLECT objects which serve them as reminders of past grandeur and abundant narcissistic supply - or they discard objects because of their emotional content.

The accumulators also amass objects in order to acquire status and garner narcissistic supply (awe, admiration).

EVERYTHING is an extension of the narcissist. His personality has a low level of organization. In other words, he has no boundaries and recognizes no boundaries.

He is not aware where he ends and his dog - or you - begin. You are there as possessions, tools, to perform pre-assigned functions.

The narcissist IS the universe. He is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent.

Question from Aria:

How do you get the narcissist to abandon your memories, the lurking, waiting to get you, I don't want to be modified by him and want those feelings gone.

Sam Vaknin:

How do you get the narcissist out of your mind? That's what you mean?

Aria:

You mentioned it above.... Yes....they cause so much damage, how to get beyond it?

Sam Vaknin:

Living with a narcissist - or interacting with him for a prolonged period of time - is a trauma. The result is a post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Allow me to quote one of my favorite FAQs - FAQ 68

Also see: FAQ 80

"At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream come true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more.

He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realization.

The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).

The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings - the most total form of rejection there is.




We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die - we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings.

Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has 4 phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance."

Some people, however, cannot get past the denial, or rage phases.

They remain 'stuck", frozen in time, constantly replaying mental tapes of the interactions they had with the narcissists.

What they don't realize is that these tapes are "foreign objects" implanted by the narcissist in their mind. Time bombs waiting to explode. Kind of "sleeper cells" or post-hypnotic suggestion.

If you find yourself in this situation there is little you can do to help yourself. You need professional assistance.

Aria:

Thank you so very much....I am in the acceptance stage.....now seeking to understand.

Question from nightspace:

This is all new to me. I've realized the my husband is a N right now his life is very disappointing, we just had a child last year and she has rare disease, he wants to leave now I feel because he does not have all the material things he wants cars nice home etc, and he blames that on me for not working and wanting to stay home to care for bb, like Patty said he bounces back slowly from things I say, he has been holding grudge against me. How do I protect daughter from his actions?

Sam Vaknin:

How old is your daughter, nightspace?

Nightspace:

17 months.

Sam Vaknin:

First, let me reassure you: it is NOT your fault. Narcissists have ALLOPLASTIC DEFENCES. While most people ask: what have I done wrong? How can I better myself and my situation? The narcissist asks: WHO is responsible for my situation? Who conspired against? Who is out to get me? Who can I blame for this? Whose fault it is?

A child with a rare disease is a blemish of the narcissist's delusional record of perfection. It can't be HIS fault - he is perfect. If he fails, is impoverished - it must be someone else's fault.

You are a convenient scapegoat.

As to your daughter.

I am afraid there is little you can do - except, of course, divorce him and move away a thousand miles.

As long as you maintain the family unit, the ONLY thing you can do is simply provide your daughter with a counter-example.

As your daughter grows, become her role model. Show her that not everyone is a narcissist or behaves narcissistically.

Question from Patty:

Is it common for people with borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder to wind up as partners with NPDs? Also what are the similarities of these disorders with NPD?

Sam Vaknin:

In a nutshell: a sense of entitlement is common to all Cluster B disorders.

Narcissists almost never act on their suicidal ideation - BPDs do so incessantly (by cutting, Self Injury, or mutilation).

NPDs can suffer from brief reactive psychoses in the same way that BPDs suffer from psychotic microepisodes.

There are some differences between NPD and BPD, though:

The narcissist is way less impulsive; As I said, the narcissist is less self-destructive, rarely self-mutilates, and practically never attempts suicide.

The narcissist is more stable (displays reduced emotional lability, maintains stability in interpersonal relationships and so on).

Both NPDs and BPDs are afraid of abandonment.




Patients suffering from personality disorders have many things in common:

Most of them are insistent.

They regard themselves as unique, display a streak of grandiosity and a diminished capacity for empathy.

They are manipulative and exploitative.

Most personality disorders start out as problems in personal development which peak during adolescence.

The personality disordered are often unhappy (dysphoric and anhedonic) and ego-dystonic (hate themselves).

Patients with personality disorders are alloplastic in their defenses. In other words: they tend to blame the external world for their mishaps.

At least that's what the DSM-IV-TR (2000) says.

As to your first question:

BPD's would tend to be attracted to NPD's but only in specific combinations.

This depends on co-morbidity.

A BPD who also has HPD (Histrionic) will be attracted to both kinds of narcissists.

But a BPD with narcissistic traits (overlay) is likely to be attracted to the cerebral narcissist.

A BPD who is also codependent would be attracted to the type of narcissist that her parent was.

I must correct myself: the DSM claims that people with personality disorders are ego-SYNTONIC (are happy with the way they are).

I think it is wrong. So, that they are unhappy with themselves is MY VIEW.

Question from emmespalace:

Sam, is there any way someone who is now in a relationship with someone who has NPD can break away from this relationship and remain safe from repercussions?

Sam Vaknin:

It depends on the narcissist is question. Pathological narcissism rarely comes in "pure form". It is always CO-MORBID with other mental health disorders or with substance abuse or other reckless behaviours (DUAL DIAGNOSIS).

If the narcissist has strong anti-social (psychopathic) traits, he would tend to be vindictive and violent.

If the narcissist is also paranoid, he would tend to stalk, harass, and, generally, incapacitate his "persecutor".

But the best predictor of future violence is past violence.

In most cases, the narcissist's bark is far more dangerous than his bite. The reason is simple: the narcissist is a drug addict. He is after supply. This is energy, time and resource consuming.

The narcissist needs to dedicate himself to the pursuit of NEW narcissistic supply sources.

This need prevails over his desire to PUNISH old sources.

Question from saved:

If someone is a cerebral narcissist, can he still receive a narcissistic injury by being insulted or humiliated by comments made by others about his being overweight, unendowed, etc.?

Sam Vaknin:

Very interesting question! I have never been asked this before!

Let me think ... No, I don't think so.

Narcissistic injury is actually the way a narcissist experiences THREAT to his inflated ego, to his delusions of grandeur and grandiose fantasies and to his sense of entitlement.

A cerebral narcissist would feel threatened if his claims regarding his INTELLECT and his intellectual accomplishments are disputed or exposed as a lie.

But a cerebral narcissist makes NO CLAIMS regarding his body, sexual ability, strength, etc.

So, he is incapable of feeling threatened by any statements pertaining to these issues.




Emmespalace:

As I see there are no further questions at this time, Sam would you care to make any open statements at this time? If not I would like to conclude this chat tonight.

Sam Vaknin:

I just want to conclude by saying this:

Pathological narcissism is at the root of many other mental health disorders.

It is a plague that has invaded families, corporations, politics, business, terror and crime organizations...

It is everywhere.

It is shocking how unaware are decision makers, mental health professionals and practitioners, community workers, and others who should know better. Ignorance is what allows the narcissist to commit serial abuse. This chat may have contributed to reducing this ignorance a tiny bit. Thank you for making this possible! Good night, you all!

 



next:   Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 41

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). Interview Mental-Health Today - Excerpts Part 40, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/excerpts-from-the-archives-of-the-narcissism-list-part-40

Last Updated: October 16, 2015

Interview Inscriptions Mag - Excerpts Part 39

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 39

  1. Interview with Inscriptions Magazine
  2. My part of a Correspondence with Tim Race of the New York Times
  3. Interview with Writing Tips

1. Interview with Inscriptions Magazine

The edited interview appeared here - http://www.inscriptionsmagazine.com/2002-issue24.html

Q: How long have you been writing, both professionally and personally?

A: I started writing at the age of 4, when my parents bought me the latest in word processing technology - a blackboard and chalks. Later, they replaced it with a self-erasing, plastic board and I was hooked. My first professional (i.e., paid) ruminations were printed, when I was 16, in a regional rag and, later, I published short fiction in the army's bulletin.

Q: How old were you when you wrote your first piece? What was it? (Story, article, poem...etc.)

A: Hard to tell. But it would probably have been a poem. I was very much into Gothic, dark, and unrequited horror, thrillers, and sci-fi. This was followed by well-received mysteries.

Q: What do you consider your strengths and weaknesses as a writer?

A: My strengths are my weaknesses. I like to sculpt with language but this often renders my prose incomprehensible and irritating. I write profusely but rarely bother to proofread and re-write where necessary. This gives my writing an air of a convoluted first draft. In short: I am more into impressing my readers than into communicating with them.

Q: Hands-down, which author has inspired you the most and why?

A: I was - and am - awe-inspired by Douglas Hofstadter. He is an ingenious popularizer of the most intractable scientific concepts.

Q: You're looking into a crystal ball. Where do you see yourself in ten years and what will you have accomplished in your writing life?

A: The hundreds of published articles, columns, and opinions about international affairs and economics I so painstakingly will soon be forgotten. My Hebrew short fiction is good but a flash in the pan. I may be remembered for my poetry and - more likely - for the body of work about pathological narcissism. That is, if I am remembered at all. And, yes, I do believe that an author who is forgotten has accomplished nothing, never mind how prolific and profound his writing.

2. My part of a Correspondence with Tim Race of the New York Times, partly quoted in the July 29, 2002 issue

The Perpetrators of the recent financial frauds acted with disregard of both their employees and shareholders - not to mention other stakeholders - is a matter of fact, not of conjecture. Some - though by no means all - perpetrators of fraud and con-artistry indeed respond to the need to uphold and maintain a False Self - a concocted, grandiose, and demanding psychological construct. What fuels the False Self is known as "Narcissistic Supply" and consists of adulation, admiration, and, more generally, attention - even of the wrong kind. Thus, even notoriety and infamy are preferable to obscurity.

The False Self is suffused with fantasies of perfection, grandeur, brilliance, infallibility, immunity, significance, omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience. Reality is, naturally, quite different and this gives rise to a "grandiosity gap". The False Self is never commensurate with the narcissist's accomplishments, standing, wealth, clout, sexual prowess, or knowledge. To bridge the grandiosity gap, the malignant (pathological) narcissist resorts to shortcuts. These very often lead to fraud, financial or otherwise.

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The narcissist - being nothing but an apparition - cares only about appearances. What matters to him are the facade of wealth and its attendant social status and narcissistic supply. Media attention only exacerbates the narcissist's addiction and makes it incumbent on him to go to ever-wilder extremes to secure uninterrupted supply from this source.

The narcissist lacks empathy - the ability to put himself in other people's shoes. He does not recognize boundaries - personal, corporate, or legal. Everything and everyone are to him mere instruments, extensions, objects unconditionally and uncomplainingly available in his pursuit of narcissistic gratification. This makes the narcissist perniciously exploitative. He uses, abuses, devalues, and discards even his nearest and dearest in the most chilling manner. The narcissist is a utility- driven alien form, a semi-artificial intelligence, obsessed with his overwhelming need to reduce his anxiety and regulate his labile sense of self-worth by obtaining his drug - attention.

The narcissist is convinced of his superiority - cerebral or physical. He is forever the Gulliver hamstrung by a horde of narrow-minded and envious Lilliputians. Yet, deep inside, he is aware of his addiction to others - their attention, admiration, applause, and affirmation. He despises himself for being thus dependent. He hates people the same way a drug addict hates his pusher. He wishes to "put them in their place", humiliate them, demonstrate to them how inadequate and imperfect they are in comparison to his regal self and how little he craves them.

The narcissist regards himself as one would an expensive present. He is a gift to his company, to his family, to his neighbours, to his colleagues, to his country. This firm conviction of his inflated importance makes him feel entitled to special treatment, special favors, special outcomes, concessions, subservience, immediate gratification, obsequiousness, and lenience. It also makes him feel immune to mortal laws and somehow divinely protected and insulated from the inevitable consequences of his deeds and misdeeds.

The West's is a narcissistic civilization. It upholds narcissistic values and penalizes alternative value-systems. From an early age, children are taught to avoid self-criticism, to deceive themselves regarding their capacities and achievements, to feel entitled, to exploit others.

Litigiousness is the flip side of this inane sense of entitlement. The disintegration of the very fabric of society is its outcome. It is a culture of self-delusion. People adopt grandiose fantasies, often incommensurate with their real, dreary, lives. Consumerism is built on this common and communal lie of "I can do anything I want and possess everything I desire if I only apply myself to it" and on the pathological envy it fosters.

There is one incriminating piece of evidence - the incidence of NPD among men and women. If NPD is not related to cultural and social contexts, if it has genetic roots, then it should occur equally among men and women. Yet, it doesn't. It is three times as common among men than among women. This seems to be because the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (as opposed, for instance, to the Borderline or the Histrionic Personality Disorders, which afflict women more than men) seems to conform to masculine social mores and to the prevailing ethos of capitalism.

Ambition, achievements, hierarchy, ruthlessness, drive - are both social values and narcissistic male traits. Social thinkers like Lasch speculated that modern American culture - a narcissistic, self-centred one - increases the rate of incidence of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

To this Kernberg answered, rightly:

"The most I would be willing to say is that society can make serious psychological abnormalities, which already exist in some percentage of the population, seem to be at least superficially appropriate."

Besieged and consumed by pernicious guilt feelings - some narcissists seek to be punished. The self-destructive narcissist plays the role of the "bad guy" (or "bad girl"). But even then it is within the traditional socially allocated roles. To ensure social opprobrium (read: attention, i.e., narcissistic supply), the narcissist cartoonishly exaggerates traditional, social roles. Men are likely to emphasise intellect, power, aggression, money, or social status. Women are likely to emphasise body, looks, charm, sexuality, feminine "traits", homemaking, children and childrearing - even as they seek their masochistic punishment.

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But, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Greed- one of the deadly sins - is plain old avarice, a perfectly human quality. Like other things human, this positive trait - the root of ambition, drive, and achievement - can and often does become malignant. It is then frequently accompanied by self-delusions, cognitive and emotional distortions, and flawed (irrational) decision making. But this is a far cry from narcissism, pathological or otherwise.

A jail term is a useless deterrent if it only serves to focus attention on the narcissist. As I told you earlier, being infamous is second best to being famous - and far preferable to being ignored. The only way to effectively punish a narcissist is to withhold narcissistic supply from him, to prevent him from becoming a notorious celebrity. Given a sufficient amount of media exposure, book contracts, talk shows, lectures, and public attention - the narcissist may even consider the whole grisly affair to be emotionally rewarding. To the narcissist, freedom, wealth, social status, family, vocation - are all means to an end. And the end is attention. If he can secure attention by being the big bad wolf - the narcissist will unhesitatingly transform himself into one.

The narcissist does not victimise, plunder, terrorise and abuse others in a cold, calculating manner. He does so offhandedly, as a manifestation of his genuine character. To be truly "guilty" one needs to have intention, to deliberate, to contemplate one's acts and then to choose. The narcissist does none of these.

Thus, punishment breeds in him surprise, hurt and rage. The narcissist is surprised by society's insistence that he should be punished for his deeds and be held responsible for them. He feels wronged, baffled, hurt, affected by bias, discrimination and injustice. He rebels and rages. Depending upon the level of pervasiveness of his magical thinking - the narcissist may develop a feeling of being persecuted by powers greater than he, forces cosmic and intrinsically ominous. He may develop compulsive rites to fend off this "bad", unwarranted, influence.

In many respects, narcissists are children. Like children, they engage in magical thinking. They feel omnipotent. They feel that there is nothing they couldn't do or achieve had they only really wanted to. They feel omniscient - they rarely admit that there is anything that they do not know.

They believe that all knowledge resides within them. They are haughtily convinced that introspection is a more important and more efficient (not to mention easier to accomplish) method of obtaining knowledge than the systematic study of outside sources of information in accordance with strict (read: tedious) curricula.

To some extent, they believe that they are omnipresent because they are either famous or about to become famous. Deeply immersed in their delusions of grandeur, they firmly believe that their acts have - or will have - a great influence on mankind, on their firm, on their country, on others. Having learned to manipulate their human environment to a masterly extent - they believe that they will always "get away with it". They develop hubris.

Narcissistic Immunity is the (erroneous) feeling, harboured by the narcissist, that he is immune to the consequences of his actions. That he will never be effected by the results of his own decisions, opinions, beliefs, deeds and misdeeds, acts, inaction and by his membership of certain groups of people. That he is above reproach and punishment (though not above adulation). That, magically, he is protected and will miraculously be saved at the last moment.

What are the sources of this unrealistic appraisal of situations and chains of events?

The first and foremost source is, of course, the False Self. It is constructed as a childish response to abuse and trauma. It is possessed of everything that the child wishes he had in order to retaliate: Harry Potter style power, wisdom, magic - all of them unlimited and instantaneously available. The False Self, this Superman, is indifferent to any abuse and punishment inflicted upon it. This way, the True Self is shielded from the harsh realities experienced by the child.

This artificial, maladaptive separation between a vulnerable (but not punishable) True Self and a punishable (but invulnerable) False Self is an effective mechanism. It isolates the child from the unjust, capricious, emotionally dangerous world that he occupies. But, at the same time, it fosters a false sense of "nothing can happen to me, because I am not there, I am not available to be punished because I am immune".

The second source is the sense of entitlement possessed by every narcissist. In his grandiose delusions, the narcissist is a rare specimen, a gift to humanity, a precious, fragile, object. Moreover, the narcissist is convinced both that this uniqueness is immediately discernible - and that it gives him special rights. The narcissist feels that he is protected under some cosmological law pertaining to "Endangered Species".

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He is convinced that his future contribution to humanity should (and does) exempt him from the mundane: daily chores, boring jobs, recurrent tasks, personal exertion, orderly investment of resources and efforts, laws and regulations, social conventions, and so on. The narcissist is entitled to "special treatment": high living standards, constant and immediate catering to his needs, the eradication of any encounter with the mundane and the routine, an all-engulfing absolution of his sins, fast track privileges (to higher education, in his encounters with the bureaucracy). Punishment is for ordinary people (where no great loss to humanity is involved). Narcissists are entitled to a different treatment and they are above it all.

The third source has to do with their ability to manipulate their (human) environment. Narcissists develop their manipulative skills to the level of an art form because that is the only way they could have survived their poisoned and dangerous childhood. Yet, they carry this "gift" and use it long after its usefulness is over. Narcissists are possessed of inordinate abilities to charm, to convince, to seduce and to persuade.

They are gifted orators. In many cases, they ARE intellectually endowed. They put all this to the bad use of obtaining Narcissistic Supply Sources. Many of them are con-men, politicians, or artists. Many of them do belong to the social and economic privileged classes. They mostly do get exempted many times by virtue of their standing in society, their charisma, or their ability to find the willing scapegoats. Having "got away with it" so many times - they develop a theory of personal immunity, which rests on some kind of societal and even cosmic "order of things". Some people are just above punishment, the "special ones", the "endowed or gifted ones".

This is the Narcissistic Hierarchy.

But there is a fourth, simpler, explanation: The narcissist just does not know what he is doing. Divorced from his True Self, unable to empathise (to understand what it is like to be someone else), unwilling to empathise (to constrain his actions in accordance with the feelings and needs of others) - he is in a constant dreamlike state. His life to him is a movie, autonomously unfolding, guided by a sublime (even divine) director. He is a spectator, a mere observer, mildly interested, greatly entertained at times. He does not feel that his actions are his. He, therefore, emotionally, cannot understand why he should be punished and when he is, he feels grossly wronged.

To be a narcissist is to be convinced of a great, inevitable personal destiny. The narcissist is preoccupied with ideal love, the construction of brilliant, revolutionary scientific theories, the composition or authoring or painting of the greatest work of art ever, the founding of a new school of art or thought, the attainment of fabulous wealth, the reshaping of the fate of a nation or a conglomerate, becoming immortalised and so on. The narcissist never sets realistic goals to himself. He does not occupy our universe. He is forever floating amidst fantasies of uniqueness, record breaking, or breathtaking achievements. His speech reflects this propensity and is interlaced with such expressions.

So convinced is the narcissist that he is destined to great things - that he refuses to accept setbacks, failures and punishments. He regards them as temporary, as someone else's errors, as part of the future mythology of his rise to power/brilliance/wealth/ideal love, etc. A punishment is a diversion of scarce energy and resources from the all-important task of fulfilling his mission in life. This over-riding goal is a divine certainty: a higher order has pre-ordained the narcissist to achieve something lasting, of substance, of import in this world, in this life. How could mere mortals interfere with the cosmic, the divine, scheme of things? Therefore, punishment is impossible and will not happen - is the narcissist's conclusion.

The narcissist is pathologically envious of people - and projects his feelings unto them. He is always over-suspicious, on guard, ready to fend off an imminent attack. A punishment to the narcissist is a major surprise and a nuisance but it also proves to him and validates what he suspected all the time: that he is persecuted. Strong forces are poised against him. People are envious of his achievements, angry at him, out to get him. He constitutes a threat to the accepted order. When required to account for his (mis)deeds, the narcissist is always disdainful and bitter. He forever feels like Gulliver, a giant, chained to the ground by numerous dwarves while his soul soars to a future, in which people will recognise his greatness and applaud it.

Phenomenologically, narcissistic corporate executives, narcissistic leaders (Fromm), and narcissistic terrorists are, above all, narcissists. They have a lot in common: the diffused rage (channeled in socially acceptable ways by the corporate executive), the grandiose fantasies, the failing reality test, feeling immune and protected, above the law, untouchable, superior, historically significant and, thus, entitled. They all share an inability to empathize - i.e., they don't know what it is like to be fully human, what is the common denominator binding all humans. as a result, they are exploitative and treat people as disposable instruments and manipulable objects.

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The narcissist is a person whose emotional growth was stunted. He failed to develop a fully functioning self-system. Instead, to compensate for trauma or abuse and to shield himself, the narcissist develops a False Self. It is important to emphasize that abuse has many forms. Over-indulgence, pampering, smothering, over-expecting, and doting - are as pernicious as "classic" physical, sexual, and psychological abuse.

The narcissist is a drug addict. He is addicted to narcissistic supply - i.e., to input and feedback from other people who react to the False Self he projects. Thus, to the narcissist, appearances matter much more than substance. What people think is far more weighty than the truth. How he is judged by peers, the media, authority figures - is far more important than veracity.

Cooked books, corporate fraud, bending the (GAAP or other) rules, sweeping problems under the carpet, over-promising, making grandiose claims (the vision thing) - are hallmarks of a narcissist in action. When social cues and norms encourage such behaviour rather than inhibit it - in other words, when such behavior elicits abundant narcissistic supply - the behaviour pattern is reinforced and become entrenched and rigid. It becomes a narcissistic routine. Even when circumstances change, the narcissist finds it difficult to adapt, shed his routines, and adopt new ones. He is trapped in his past success. He becomes a swindler.

3. Interview with Writing Tips

The edited interview appeared here - http://www.lifeandcareercoaching.com/writingtips.html

Q: Sam, I know you'll have something profound to say about a writer's motivation to keep going. What are your thoughts?

A: A real author can no more halt his or her writing than you can hold your breath.

Writing is a preferred - and usually exclusive - mode of communication, an instinct, and a reflex rolled into one. It is cathartic, elating, infuriating, binding, freeing - in short, it is the Universe in a microcosm. Works of art are given birth to. And the lowliest form of writing is still a work of art.

Of course, you could write, cook, make love, or paint merely and only for money. But this is as related to the essential, real activities of writing, cooking, loving, or painting - as a lithograph of a van Gogh is related to one of his voluptuous canvasses. It is fake.

Q: Tell us your secret for breaking into the writing arena. We know there are as many different ways to break in as there are writers. Specifically, how did you do it? What was the most important step you took in becoming a successful writer or author? Please share your favorite promotional tip-your best way to get the word out about your work.

A: Composing words - the actual act of writing - is the tip of an iceberg of interactions. Promotion and marketing consume the bulk of an author's time - especially if he or she is self-published or published by a small and resourceless publisher. The keys to success are ubiquity and networking. The dissemination of one's work is a critical facet - free excerpts, review copies, a Web site, a mailing list, an e-zine or newsletter, links on other sites...

Search Google for "Sam Vaknin". I am mentioned 23,000 times. This is the result of 4 years of tireless and shameless self-promotion. At any given time I have 12 of my titles available for download free of charge - full fledged e-books, with ISBN and all. This is called "viral" or "buzz" marketing. More than 500 of my articles are available to Webmasters as free content. I encourage people to mirror - i.e., to copy - my Web site.

I wish I were as good on the human side of it. My interpersonal skills leave a lot to be desired. My exposure is substantial - my Web sites receive c. 8000 page views per day. But I don't particularly like people. I am a recluse. Word of mouth is the name of the game in this business. Inevitably, people, having been rebuffed by me, grow angry and bitter and I sometimes garner negative publicity.

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Q: In your opinion, what is the biggest downside of being a writer?

A: The emergence of vanity publishing - a lot of it electronic - and the Web have inundated the market. It is nearly impossible to be heard above the deafening noise. Publishers react to this graphomaniacal avalanche by resorting to safe commercial bets. Writers today should be ready to weather exceedingly tough competition for attention, let alone recognition. It is an injurious and discouraging process.

Q: How did you learn to write well? School? Trial and error?

A: Practice makes perfect. I am very far from perfection, of course. But I am a lot better than I was only 4 years ago. I blush when I am forced to revise or edit my old articles with their tortured syntax, mutilated grammar, poor vocabulary, or verbose pyrotechnics. Writing 1500 words a day for professional, edited, outlets such as Central Europe Review, United Press International (UPI), and PopMatters has improved my writing quite a bit.

Q: What's the thing about writing that you still need to learn (if anything)?

A: My writing is too narcissistic. I am too in love with my own voice and its reverberating echoes. I'd rather stun and impress - than communicate and convey. I use obscure words, my sentences are florid, my arguments convoluted. I often lose half my readership - and I may well be optimistic here - by the end of the opening paragraph.

Q: What was the turning point in your writing career when you realized you were a success?

A: When I won the 1997 Israeli Ministry of Education New Prose Prize for my tome of short fiction "Requesting my Loved One" and when my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" began to be consistently ranked among the first 1000 in Barnes and Noble.

Q: What's the biggest plus about being a writer?

A: It is the only way I can talk to myself and to others. Without my writing I would have been completely cut off from the world. It is my umbilical cord.

Q: What mistake did you make early on that you'd like to warn new writers about?

A: I was too eager, too pushy, too self-centered. An author should, to the best of his ability, cater to the needs and wants of his readership. Authorship is not merely an autistic exercise of self-gratification. It is an intercourse and a discourse. Monopolizing the conversation is not only bad manners - it is bad for sales.

Q: What's your best tip for writers who want to stand out but are stuck in the pack? How can they become known for their work?

A: If an author is looking for short-term gains and if his biography or traits warrant it - he can try to convert himself into a celebrity of sorts. Instant celebrity - even on a local level - translates to product differentiation and enhanced sales.

In the long-term, though, what matters is brand. The books should do the talking, unobscured by the author. To achieve that, they need to meet a few conditions:

  1. The titles need to cater to a niche market, preferably one hitherto neglected by other publishers and authors.
  2. They need to contain practical information, based, wherever possible, on proprietary data (the author's first-hand account, surveys conducted by the author, folk traditions, interviews, etc.).
  3. The author needs to generate a continuous stream of updates and apply the content of the books and their subject matter to topics in the news, or to newsworthy issues. Free content on a web site is a great way of achieving this goal of synergy. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of a continued, consistent, and reliable presence.
  4. The author should interface with the media on a regular basis but only when warranted by the topics of his books. Seminars, lectures, guest appearances, columns and other promotional methods should be applied liberally.
  5. Collaboration with other, better-known, authors and authorities in the relevant field can generate a beneficial "coattails" effect for the author and his or her books.

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Q: What's your opinion on writing for free? Should a writer ever write just for the exposure?

A: Freebies are an integral part of the marketing mix and strategy. Free book excerpts, free downloads of the electronic edition of a print book, free articles and other types of free content constitute cheap, covert - and, because they targeted, effective - advertising. Still, I think that the extent of content made free and its timing should depend on the following:

    1. How well-known, established and authoritative are the author and his work? What is the marginal contribution of yet another free article to sales?
    2. Releasing too much material to the public domain is counter-productive as it reduces the incentive to pay for the commercial portion held back.
    3. Offering free content must never be seen as an act of desperation, intended to counter waning sales or anonymity.
    4. The material made free should be selected carefully to reflect the nature and content of the author's work. It should appear to be credible and well-researched - though never exhaustive, thus luring the reader to seek more and, hopefully, pay for it.

Does free content sell? here is a free article I wrote about the subject ...:o))

The answer is: no one knows. Many self-styled "gurus" and "pundits" - authors of voluminous tomes they sell to the gullible - pretend to know. But their "expertise" is an admixture of guesswork, superstitions, anecdotal "evidence" and hearsay. The sad truth is that no methodical, long term, and systematic research has been attempted in the nascent field of e-publishing and, more broadly, digital content on the Web. So, no one knows to say for sure whether free content sells, when, or how.

There are two schools - apparently equally informed by the dearth of hard data. One is the "viral school". Its vocal proponents claim that the dissemination of free content fuels sales by creating "buzz" (word of mouth marketing driven by influential communicators). The "intellectual property" school roughly says that free content cannibalizes paid content mainly because it conditions potential consumers to expect free information. Free content also often serves as a substitute (imperfect but sufficient) to paid content.

Experience - though patchy - confusingly seems to points both ways. Views and prejudices tend to converge around this consensus: whether free content sells or not depends on a few variables. They are:

  1. The nature of the information. People are generally willing to pay for specific or customized information, tailored to their idiosyncratic needs, provided in a timely manner, and by authorities in the field. The more general and "featureless" the information, the more reluctant people are to dip into their pockets (probably because there are many free substitutes).
  2. The nature of the audience. The more targeted the information, the more it caters to the needs of a unique, or specific group, the more often it has to be updated ("maintained"), the less indiscriminately applicable it is, and especially if it deals with money, health, sex, or relationships - the more valuable it is and the more people are willing to pay for it. The less computer savvy users - unable to find free alternatives - are more willing to pay.
  3. Time dependent parameters. The more the content is linked to "hot" topics, "burning" issues, trends, fads, buzzwords, and "developments" - the more likely it is to sell regardless of the availability of free alternatives.
  4. The "U" curve. People pay for content if the free information available to them is either (a) insufficient or (b) overwhelming. People will buy a book if the author's Web site provides only a few tantalizing excerpts. But they are equally likely to buy the book if its entire full text content is available online and overwhelms them. Packaged and indexed information carries a premium over the same information in bulk. Consumer willingness to pay for content seems to decline if the amount of content provided falls between these two extremes. They feel sated and the need to acquire further information vanishes. Additionally, free content must really be free. People resent having to pay for free content, even if the currency is their personal data.
  5. Frills and bonuses. There seems to be a weak, albeit positive link between willingness to pay for content and "members only" or "buyers only" frills, free add-ons, bonuses, and free maintenance. Free subscriptions, discount vouchers for additional products, volume discounts, add-on, or "piggyback" products - all seem to encourage sales. Qualitative free content is often perceived by consumers to be a BONUS - hence its enhancing effect on sales.
  6. Credibility. The credibility and positive track record of both content creator and vendor are crucial factors. This is where testimonials and reviews come in. But their effect is particularly strong if the potential consumer finds himself in agreement with them. In other words, the motivating effect of a testimonial or a review is amplified when the customer can actually browse the content and form his or her own opinion. Free content encourages a latent dialog between the potential consumer and actual consumers (through their reviews and testimonials).
  7. Money back warranties or guarantees. These are really forms of free content. The consumer is safe in the knowledge that he can always return the already consumed content and get his money back. In other words, it is the consumer who decides whether to transform the content from free to paid by not exercising the money back guarantee.
  8. Relative pricing. Information available on the Web is assumed to be inherently inferior and consumers expect pricing to reflect this "fact". Free content is perceived to be even more shoddy. The coupling of free ("cheap", "gimcrack") content with paid content serves to enhance the RELATIVE VALUE of the paid content (and the price people are willing to pay for it). It is like pairing a medium height person with a midget - the former would look taller by comparison.
  9. Price rigidity. Free content reduces the price elasticity of paid content. Normally, the cheaper the content - the more it sells. But the availability of free content alters this simple function. Paid content cannot be too cheap or it will come to resemble the free alternative ("shoddy", "dubious"). But free content is also a substitute (however partial and imperfect) to paid content. Thus, paid content cannot be priced too high - or people will prefer the free alternative. Free content, in other words, limits both the downside and the upside of the price of paid content.

 

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There are many other factors which determine the interaction of free and paid content. Culture plays an important role as do the law and technology. But as long as the field is not subject to a research agenda the best we can do is observe, collate - and guess.

Q: In this challenging economy, how can a writer best stay afloat? What can he or she do to get more paid work and exposure? Or is it a good time to consider a "survival job" until the ship comes in?

A: Balancing the mind and the heart is always a fine act. Whatever you do, keep writing. Allocate a time in the day - early morning, late evening, weekends - to keep your creative juices flowing. Practice makes happy. Regrettably, the industries that sustained us, the authors, have all collapsed simultaneously: the media, the Internet, and the publishing arena. But this is a temporary nadir. Perseverance is the foremost qualification in a writing career.

Make sure you get your work published - self-published if need be, on the Web if nowhere else. Feedback from your readers is an essential ingredient in honing your skills and maintaining your craft. Send letters to the editor, volunteer to do odd writing jobs, establish a discussion list, correspond - write, write, and then some.

Keep applying for jobs. There is still demand for corporate literature, stringers, or ghost writers. Granted, it is not as glamorous and as rewarding as you hoped it would turn out to be. Never mind. Being there is half the trick.

And when the wheel turns, you are bound to be rewarded with a better assignment. It is this inevitability that keeps all of us going. In my advanced age (42), I know that a happy end is guaranteed to those who endure the entire motion picture...

Q: What do you do to publicize you and your writing? Do you actively promote yourself to media, or use a publicist to do it for you? Or do you just leave it all to chance?

A: There are three keys to successful publicity: URI - utility, relevance, innovation. If your work helps people better their lives, if it is useful and beneficial, if it shows the way and warns of pitfalls, if it proffers advice and guidance - then it is bound to attract the media's interest. This is the utilitarian aspect of it.

If your work ties in neatly with current events, hot topics, recent themes, people in the news, and prevailing moods - in other words, if it is relevant - it will garner the attention it deserves. The media seeks out added content and added value to augment its news coverage. My topic is pathological narcissism. Thus, I get interviewed is when narcissists rob their companies, abuse their nearest and dearest, or go on a rampage of serial murder. I am able to shed new light on the disorder and its sad and antisocial consequences.

But you are unlikely to be sought if what you have to say is trite, hackneyed, and stale. Even the most pedestrian banalities can be refreshingly recast. Enlighten your readers by innovating, by providing new angles, by repackaging the tried and true. Sometimes, merely restating the obvious is sufficient to attract the media's attention.



next:   Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 40

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). Interview Inscriptions Mag - Excerpts Part 39, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/excerpts-from-the-archives-of-the-narcissism-list-part-39

Last Updated: October 16, 2015

Interview Babel Magazine - Excerpts Part 38

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 38

Q: I have a highly intelligent buddy (1580 & 1590 out of 1600 on his SAT tests years ago), and his favourite saying is, "The closer you are to the top, the closer you are to the edge." He was implying that the closer you are to being a genius, the closer you also are to insanity. What are your views on this subject?

Sam: All geniuses are madmen, in the sense that both deconstruct reality.

Both are unable to assimilate conventional modes of interaction: "seeing", ":feeling", or "thinking". To both the genius and the madman, the world is a kaleidoscopic whirlwind of potentials and shattered actualities, a monstrously colourful place, replete with delectable secrets and penumbral threats. Still, there is a difference. We revere genius and recoil from insanity. Why is that? It is because the genius is adept at finding new organizing principles underlying the chaos. To the madman, the world dissolves into an incomprehensible and ominously unpredictable barrage of stimuli. In his efforts to re-impose order on his disintegrating psyche, the madman resorts to paranoia or delusions.

The genius faces the same emotional needs but instead of succumbing to the irrational, he invents science and music - new patterns which infuse his no less capricious universe with patterns and beauty.

Q: You write passionately about narcissism. Could you give us the definitive definition of narcissism?

Sam: My favourite is this one:

"A pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition."

But I should hasten to add that I write passionately about PATHOLOGICAL narcissism. Narcissism is healthy. Self-love enables us to love others, to achieve, to strive, to dream, to heal, to have children. It is only when it is pathologized that it becomes a menace to oneself and to others.

Q: You've written about a hellish childhood, especially the treatment received at your parents hands. Please elaborate.

Sam: I am much more forgiving now, at the age of 41. I understand them better. They were young, they were poor, they were scared, they were over-worked, trying to make ends meet, they were uneducated. And here I was, a freak of nature, a local sensation, an insufferably haughty and spoiled brat, a challenge to their parental authority in a very conservative society. They freaked out. They communicated with me through physical violence and verbal abuse because that is how they were treated by their own parents and because abuse was common where and when I grew up.

But they gave me my life, and my love of reading, and the memories from which I mold my poetry and short fiction. These are great gifts. I can never repay them enough.

Q: If you were chosen as "Ambassador for the Earth" and had to describe what a "human being" was to an alien from Planet 2537X, what would you tell them?

Sam: I must be careful to use only terms which are likely to be universally recognized and applicable. Exobiology and exo- communication are in their infancy.

This is what I would say, progressing from the more general to the more unique:

Self-correcting, self-motivated, networking, Carbon-based entity endowed with a central data processing unit (product specs provided). Multiplies through sexual reproduction (mathematical explanation of sexual reproduction follows). Communicates with other entities and with things produced by other entities by exchanging patterns of energy. Conserves information both internally and externally. Has the property of constructing self-recursive, hierarchical, models of the world in which it is included (known in humanspeak as "introspection"). Responds to organizing principles by connecting with other entities on a permanent or temporary basis in fostering coherent cross-entity modes of behaviour.

Q: If women as a whole were a glass of wine, and you drank from this collective glass, what would you taste?

Sam: Resentment, pain, fear, disdain, envy, humiliation. I would have felt these if I were a woman - having been suppressed for millennia by others (males), whose only advantage is their brawn.

Q: Tell us about your tale of riches to rags to prison and back.

Sam: I was born in a slum. I read. I burnt the midnight oil. I bluffed.




Knowledge and the pretence to knowledge were my tickets out of what seemed to be claustrophobically inescapable drabness. I became known as a wunderkind, caught the eye of a Jewish billionaire, and was catapulted to corporate stardom. I made millions, I lost millions, I fell in love with the second woman I had sex with at the age of 25. I then manipulated stocks and had the temerity to sue the government for my losses. I lost. I was sentenced to three years in jail, spent 11 months there. Amidst the squalor, I found human solidarity - and myself.

I wrote five books in prison. One of these tomes won the Israeli Ministry of Education 1997 Prose Award. The other is "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited". I am glad I did time. I re-discovered my true calling: to write. Released on parole, I emigrated to Macedonia, prospered there but became a fugitive after I fostered dissidence against the government.

When the opposition parties came to power, I was called back to serve as the Economic Advisor to the Government. The Minister of Finance, a former student of mine, put up with my temper tantrums and growing cantankerousness - but finally gave up and we parted ways. Now I write business stories for United Press International (UPI).

Q: Touching upon your own personal experiences, what does one need to do to overcome mental illness?

Sam: I have not overcome my personality disorder, so I would not know. But judging by the literature, two things:

  1. Confront one's past, re-interpreting it, putting it in the appropriate context, assimilate the new insights, and re-building one's soul and one's life on these healthier, more proportional, foundations. This is the approach of most psychodynamic therapies.

  2. Re-interpretation away obstructive and inhibitive cognitive and emotional messages and principles which govern our affect, cognition, and daily conduct (i.e., functioning). Cognitive-Behavioural Therapies help one do this.

Q: In your Babel entries, you don't shy away in the least from writing about your "less than noble" traits and qualities. What would you say are the most disturbing aspects of your personality and being?

Sam: You can find here an adaptation of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder based on the DSM IV-TR (the psychologists' bible).

Q: Which famous philosopher comes closest to being in sync with your views?

Sam: Kant. A divine, all-encompassing, all-pervasive mind. Clear, accessible style of writing. Down to earth, common sense philosophy which underlies most modern thought. And he was reasonably social, too.

Q: Tell us about living dangerously in Israel, Yugoslavia, Macedonia and Russia.

Sam: It is a strange thing: I am an incorrigible coward, yet I keep finding myself in the most god-awful places, in the midst of warfare and conflict, often at personal risk. In my political and economic commentaries, I keep attacking unsavory regimes whose guest I am. I committed crimes (no longer), I gambled professionally (no longer), I put myself at grave hazard more than once (and still do). I was threatened, imprisoned, exiled, bombed. Yet, I keep coming back for more. How can this intrepid behaviour be reconciled with my pusillanimity and meekness, with my cowardice and reticence? It can't.

Maybe I feel magically immune to retribution. Maybe there is the imaginary Sam the dauntless romantic hero and the real Sam the easily intimidated. I simply choose to live in my imagination, oblivious to the potentially dire consequences.

Q: What are your views on reincarnation and karma?

Sam: I am agnostic about them (as I am about God). In other words, I don't know. Moreover, I don't know if it would ever be possible to know (in the rigorous, scientific sense). There are so many things I can get to know - why waste my limited allotment of time on this earth on things I don't know and, perhaps, cannot know?

Q: I know it's difficult to choose just one, but what would be your favourite:

Sam: a) author - Kafka; b) novel - August; c) non-fiction book - The Psychopathology of Everyday Life; d) movie - Eraserhead and Repulsion (can't choose between these two); e) play - Of Mice and Men; f) artist - Canaletto; g) musician or band - Mozart.

Q: What would be the top 5 things you'd change about the world?

Sam:

  1. There are too many people on this planet. It is not a question of resources. The planet can support many more. It is a question of statistics. Consider aggression, for instance. Aggression is often the outcome of over-crowding. Consider mental illness: the more people there are - the more dangerously mentally sick people there are (a fixed percent of the population). This applies to other defects and diseases. By multiplying as we have we are playing genetic roulette.

  2. I would license parents. One needs a license to drive a car or to use a cellular phone. But anyone can make children and bring them up. Bringing up a child is a task thousands of times more complicated (and requires a thousand times more knowledge) than driving a car. Yet, there are no selection criteria and licensing process. Procreating is perceived to be the inalienable right of the parent. What about the right of the child not to be born to an unfit parent?

  3. I would get rid of the dangerous illusion that social engineering is possible. No social or economic model has succeeded to ameliorate all social ills (let alone solve them) simultaneously. Communism failed - but so did Capitalism. Materialism combined with individualism leads to extremes of poverty, depredation, deprivation, and crime. Materialism combined with collectivism led to extremes of poverty, depredation, deprivation, and crime.

  4. Corruption and venality corrode the social fabric. Given the will and determination, it should be possible to eradicate both effectively. This is not done because the ostensible enforcers and upholders of justice and probity are themselves entangled in webs of corruption and crime.

  5. Universal suffrage has often led to mob rule. The pernicious (and patently absurd) assumption that everyone is equal has led to a dumbing down of the education system and the media, to the marginalization of the political system, to disenchantment with democracy, and to cultural narcissism. A meritocratic (I emphasize: meritocratic - not genetic or historical) class system must be established, with certain rights reserved to the upper classes only.




Q: Being that you reside in Europe, what are your overall impressions of America?

Sam: I wrote this a few days ago (it was published by The Idler and Yahoo!):

America is either hated or, at best, derided by well over three fifths of the world's population (suffice it to mention China, Russia, Iran, and Iraq). It is intensely disliked by many others (need I mention the French?). What is the source of this blanket repulsion?

There is no doubt that United States of America reifies and embodies the noblest, loftiest, and worthiest values, ideals, and causes. It is a dream in the throes of coming true: a dream of liberty, peace, justice, prosperity, and progress. Its system, despite its social flaws, is far superior - both morally and functionally - to any other ever conceived by Man.

Yet, the USA maintains one standard at home and flouts it abroad. A double standard was the hallmark of apartheid South Africa and is the nature of post-1967 colonial Israel. But while these two countries discriminated only against their own citizens and residents - the USA discriminates also against the entire world. Even as it never ceases to hector, preach, chastise, and instruct - it does not recoil from violating its own edicts and ignoring its own teachings. It is, therefore, not the USA's internal character or self perception that is controversial to liberals like I (though I beg to differ with its social model). Its actions are - and especially its foreign policy.

This manifest hypocrisy, America's moral talk and often immoral walk, its persistent application of double standards, irks and grates. This champion of human rights has aided and abetted countless murderous dictatorships. This sponsor of free trade - is the most protectionist of rich nations. This beacon of charity - contributes less than 0.1% of its GDP to foreign aid (compared to Scandinavia's 0.6%). This proponent of international law (under whose aegis it bombed and invaded half a dozen countries in a dozen years) - refuses to sign on to international treaties, which deal with mines, chemical and biological weapons, air pollution, and the International Criminal Court. It also ignores the rulings of the WTO.

America's enemies are envious of its might and wealth. But its haughtiness, lack of humility, and obtuse refusal to engage in soul searching and house cleaning - only aggravate this natural reaction.

America's sustained support for regimes with scant regard for human rights does not help either. To the peoples of the poor world, it is both a colonial power and a mercantilist exploiter. In cahoots with corrupt (and barbarous) domestic politicians, it furthers its military and geopolitical goals. And it drains the developing world of its brains, its labour, and its raw materials without giving much in return.

It is thus seen by its detractors not merely as a self-interested power (all powers are) - but as a narcissistic civilization, bent on exploiting and, having exploited, on discarding. America pays dearly now for its "use and dump" policies in places like Afghanistan and Macedonia. It is a Dr. Frankenstein, haunted and threatened by its own creations. Its kaleidoscopically shifting alliances and allegiances - the dazzling outcomes of expedience - tend to support this diagnosis of the Ugly American as a Narcissist. Pakistan and Libya were transformed from foes to allies in a fortnight. Milosevic - from friend to foe, in less.

This capricious inconsistency casts in grave doubt America's sincerity - and in sharp relief its unreliability and disloyalty, its short term thinking, truncated attention span, sound-byte mentality, and dangerous, "black and white", simplism. To outside observers it seems as though America uses - and thus, perforce, abuses - the international system for its own, ever changing, ends. International law is invoked when convenient - ignored when importune.

In its heartland, America is isolationist. Americans erroneously believe that America is an economically self-sufficient and self-contained continent. Yet, it is not what Americans believe or wish that matters to others. It is what they do. And what they do is intervene, often unilaterally, always ignorantly, sometimes forcefully.

Unilateralism is mitigated by cosmopolitanism. It is exacerbated by provincialism. American decision-makers are mostly provincials, popularly elected by provincials. As opposed to Rome, America is ill-suited and ill-equipped to manage the world. It is too young, too abrasive, too arrogant - and it has a lot to learn. Its refusal to acknowledge its shortcomings, its confusion of brain with brawn (i.e., money or bombs), its legalistic-litigious character, its culture of instant gratification and over-simplification - are detrimental to world peace.

America is often called by others to intervene. Many initiate conflicts or prolong them with the express purpose of dragging America into the quagmire. It then is either castigated for not having responded to such calls - or reprimanded for having responded. It seems that it cannot win. Abstention and involvement alike win it only ill-will.

But people call upon America to get involved because they know it does involve itself at times. America should make it unequivocally and unambiguously clear that - with the exception of the Americas - it is interested in commerce only (the Japanese model). It should make it equally known that it will protect its citizens and defend its assets - if needed by force. America's - and the world's - best bet are a reversion to the Monroe and (technologically updated) Mahan doctrines.

Wilson's Fourteen Points brought the USA nothing but two World Wars and a Cold War thereafter.

Q: What was your most terrifying experience while in prison?

Sam: The first day. I will never forget those indelible moments. It is the closest I ever felt to being an animal, trapped in the headlights of an oncoming semi-trailer. Israeli jails are notorious for being overcrowded and violent. I was under the illusion that army life prepared me for the forthcoming ordeal. It didn't. I was thrust, shackled wrists and ankles, into a tiny room, overflowing with more than 20 unkempt, raging, fearsome prisoners in transit - junkies, murderers, swindlers, hustlers, petty thieves, burglars. Their language was foreign, their customs alien, their codes mysterious, their intentions (so I thought) sinister - and I was surely doomed. They were verbally abusive, they threatened, they stank, they listened to loud Arabic music, they did drugs, they cooked, they defecated in a shattered toilet in the corner. It was Hyeronimus Bosch come alive. I froze, speechless, leaning heavily on a metal bed frame. And then someone tapped on my shoulder and said: "Just do what I say and you will be alright". I did and I was. I learned the most important lesson: there is more humanity in jail than outside it. You are treated the way you treat people. Reciprocity is king.




Q: Do you have any wild sex stories that'd knock our socks off?

Sam: Many years (and kilograms) ago, I was into orgies and group sex.

There are three types of orgies.

There is the "we are so intimate" group sex. People are so drawn to each other intellectually and emotionally that they cannot contain the flow of empathy, compassion - love, really. So, they express their unity through sex. In such group sex, all boundaries are blurred. The participants flow into one another, they feel as extensions of a much larger organism, eruptions of protoplasmic desire to be within each other. It is absolute, unmitigated, uninhibited immersion and enmeshment.

Then there is the "we are such strangers". This is the most promiscuous, wild, ecstatic, insane type of orgy. A kaleidoscope of flesh and semen and pubic hair and sweat and feet and wild eyes and penises and orifices of all measure. Until it is all over in an orgiastic cry. Usually, following the initial frenzy of devouring each other, small groups (twosomes, threesomes) retire and proceed to make love. They get intoxicated by the smells and the fluids and the bizarreness of it all.

It slowly peters out in a benign sort of way.

Lastly, there is the "we couldn't help it" thing. Aided by alcohol or drugs, the right music or videos - the participants, mostly unwilling but fascinated - slip into sex. They tumble in fits and starts. They withdraw only to return forced to by a mighty curiosity. They make love hesitantly, shyly, fearfully, almost clandestinely (though in full view of all the others). This is the sweetest kind. It is depraved and perverted, it is painfully arousing, it heightens one's sensation of oneself. It is a trip.

Group sex is NOT an extrapolation of pair sex. It is not normal sex multiplied. It is like living in three dimensions after being confined to a bi-dimensional, flat existence. It is like finally seeing in colour. The number of physical, emotional, and psychosexual permutations is mind boggling and it does boggle the mind. It is addictive. It permeates one's consciousness and consumes one's memory and one's desires. Thereafter one finds it hard to engage in one-on-one sex. It looks so boring, so lacking, so partial, so asymptotically craving for perfection...

Sometimes (not always) there is a "moderator". His/her (usually his) function is to "arrange" the bodies in "compositions" (very much like old quadrille dances).

Q: Of all the famous women in popular culture (either living or deceased), who would you consider the most beautiful of all- time?

Sam: I can see her face, but I don't remember her name. She is a contemporary young actress. And the second one would be Elizabeth Taylor.

Q: Why are women so afraid of you?

Sam: Women have suffered subjugation and abuse at the hands of men for millennia. Their only weapons have been their charm, their beauty, their sexuality, their mystique, their submissiveness, their wisdom. They had been transformed by the male-dominated, patriarchal, culture into manipulators. Women take for granted their ability - by tantalizingly offering sex and emotional succor to them - to sway men, attract them, coerce them, or convince them to do their bidding.

With the exception of narcissistic supply (i.e., attention), I am totally resistant to anything another person - man or woman - has to offer. I am completely self-sufficient and self-contained. I am a-sexual, schizoid, paranoid, misogynist, and misanthropic. Women - no matter how sexy, how willing, how determined, or how skillful - have absolutely no effect on me. This sudden helplessness and acquired transparency frightens women. Fear is a normal reaction to the dawning realization that one's coping mechanisms and survival strategies are useless.

Q: In "The Narcissist," you write, "I always think of myself as a machine." Could you elaborate?

Sam: At the risk of sounding narcissistic, allow me to quote myself:

"I always think of myself as a machine. I say to myself things like "you have an amazing brain" or "you are not functioning today, your efficiency is low". I measure things, I constantly compare performance.

I am acutely aware of time and how it is utilized. There is a meter in my head, it ticks and tocks, a metronome of self-reproach and grandiose assertions. I talk to myself in third person singular. It lends objectivity to what I think, as though it comes from an external source, from someone else. That low is my self-esteem that, to be trusted, I have to disguise myself, to hide myself from myself. It is the pernicious and all-pervasive art of un-being.

I like to think about myself in terms of automata. There is something so aesthetically compelling in their precision, in their impartiality, in their harmonious embodiment of the abstract. Machines are so powerful and so emotionless, not prone to be hurting weaklings like me. Machines don't bleed. Often I find myself agonizing over the destruction of a laptop in a movie, as its owner is blown to smithereens as well.

Machines are my folk and kin. They are my family. They allow me the tranquil luxury of un-being.

And then there is data. My childhood dream of unlimited access to information has come true and I am the happiest for it. I have been blessed by the Internet. Information was power and not only figuratively.

Information was the dream, reality the nightmare. My knowledge was my flying info-carpet. It took me away from the slums of my childhood, from the atavistic social milieu of my adolescence, from the sweat and stench of the army - and into the perfumed existence of international finance and media exposure.

So, even in the darkness of my deepest valleys I was not afraid. I carried with me my metal constitution, my robot countenance, my superhuman knowledge, my inner timekeeper, my theory of morality and my very own divinity - myself."




Q: Which well-known criminal most fascinates you?

Sam: Adolf Hitler. He was the reification of evil -banal, pathologically narcissistic, a consummate actor, a perfect mirror. This is how evil is born - when we are no longer ourselves. When we derive our sense of self-worth (actually, our sense of existence) exclusively from others, we seek to subjugate them in order to secure our own gratification. To do so, we often invent "grand schemes" - history, the nation, God, religion, freedom, justice - and then proceed to impose these concocted structures on others, if need be by force.

Q: If you could be a fictional character - whether it be from a novel, movie, TV show, play, or mythology, etc. - who would it be?

Sam: Hercule Poirot, of course. I always admired his cryogenically cool brain, his penetrating intellect, his astuteness, his erudition, his sense of drama, his sadism, his narcissism, not to mention his Dali moustache!

Q: Which historical figure do you most respect?

Sam: Winston Churchill. The man was the ultimate polymath. I doubt if such a confluence of outstanding talents will ever recur.

Q: How crazy are you?

Sam: Mad as a hare (laughing).

I am not crazy at all. I am not psychotic or delusional. I suffer from a personality disorder (as do 15% of the population). It is not considered a mental illness.

Q: Give us your thoughts on these two words: a) chameleon; b) mirror.

Sam: a) I; b) You.

Q: What is the key to understanding Sam Vaknin? In other words, what makes you tick?

Sam: You do. This interview. Attention, I crave attention. It is never enough. I want more. And I want it now.

 



next:   Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 39

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). Interview Babel Magazine - Excerpts Part 38, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/excerpts-from-the-archives-of-the-narcissism-list-part-38

Last Updated: October 16, 2015

Sharing a Diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder with Family And Friends

Stand-up comedian, Paul Jones, discusses sharing his bipolar diagnosis with family and friends and their reaction.

Personal Stories on Living with Bipolar Disorder

Have you shared your bipolar diagnosis with family and/or friends and if so, what was their reaction - good or bad? Would you recommend sharing a diagnosis if you had the choice to make all over again?

This is a very good question and one that I think most people with bipolar illness face every day.

At first, the only person that I spoke with was my wife and one very close friend. My wife of 20 years this July has known for a while that I had a problem. She was the only one that knew that I was sick in some form or another. For years she had been trying to get me to go and talk to someone, or for me to go and see a doctor. I will say this; Lisa had no idea just how bad my depressions were or how bad they had become. You see, during the most difficult times, I was on the road as a Stand-Up Comedian, working weeks at a time on the road. I would call my wife every day, sometimes ten times a day, and she knew I was sad but she never knew that when I was calling her, I was sitting in total darkness in my hotel room. She never saw me lying under the bed trying to hide from myself. I remember times on the road when I would put the air on the lowest possible temperature and simply lie under the covers until it was time to get up and go do my show. My wife never, ever saw that. She never saw me pacing the floors in the hotel room trying to make my thoughts of suicide go away. I know she knew I was sick, but just like me; she never knew what to call it.

Once I finally told her that I was bipolar, she and I both cried. I think it was more of a relief to know and finally put a name to this "dark side." One thing that I want to point out is that when I was manic, life was good. You see, being creative, I got a lot of work done during these times. The manic episodes I never tried to hide. I simply thought that I was this "super man" and would create, create, and create.

My friend Sue Veldkamp was the other person that I confided in. She is a nurse and I felt as though I could talk to her about it, both as a friend and also as a medical professional. Sue was there for me then as she is today, and she helped me find information. Sue, as well as my wife, had really only seen the manic side of the illness. I rarely would be around when I was depressed. I always managed to get the hell out of dodge during those times. I really did not let people see that side of me.

Stand-up comedian Paul Jones discusses sharing his bipolar diagnosis with family and friends and their reaction.It's funny kind of - now that I look back on it. Most of the people that knew me at that time would always ask me what was wrong if I was not in a manic mode. That is how they knew me, and that is usually all they would ever see. I remember times when I would be sad and people would say to me, "I don't like you like this." I remember how that would hurt me. That is another reason that I would run and hide. Once I told Sue, she would send me to web sites and she really found a lot of good information for me to help me better understand my illness.

Once I started the medication, Lisa and I decided that it was time to tell the children what was going on with dad. You see, Lisa, over the past two years, has spent a lot of time crying. I feel so very bad for her because she has tried to help me so much and most of the time, I simply tried to push her away from me. Being stuck in a depression is very hard. Your brain seems to play a lot of tricks on you. You start to blame other people for you being depressed. Many times I told myself that the reason I was depressed was because so and so did this or because I was married or because I hated my job, when in fact, it was my brain missing a beat or two. Lisa has been by my side through some very bad times. It is hard for me to say that I should stay because I think by me leaving she would be better off. That may sound stupid, but that is what goes through my brain sometimes.

Since getting on the medication I have talked to both my family and many of my friends. I can tell you now that my family has been pretty supportive. You see, it is very hard for people to understand this illness. Plus, I think that it is something that if you do not at least know something about it, it is very easy for people to discount it as an illness.

My brothers, whom I started working for again last year, until just recently, have been very good to me. I really can't say that they understand it. I am not sure if they have read anything about it, or even have tried to for that matter. But I can say that they have helped me out. My little sister is now a Psychologist - oh boy - I know that she understands it, but I don't talk to her that much. I am not sure if I don't hear from her because she's busy or if it is because she deals with this every day at work and does not want to deal with it when she is not at work.

As for my other friends, I am not sure how they "see" me now. I do not see a lot of people any more like I used to. It seems that I have distanced myself from many of them just because I have been so damned depressed for so long. I am hoping that with the new job I can get back on track with my friends. I will say this, though; I never really did hang out with a lot, so I guess nothing much has changed there.

Was it good or bad telling people? I guess that time will tell. One thing is for sure - this is who I am, and if they don't like it, or cannot deal with it, then to hell with them. My main goal right now when it comes to my illness is to try and let people know that this is, in fact, an illness, and that there is treatment and you can live with it. I want to try to show now only friends and family, but also others, that this illness, if left untreated, will kill 20% of those with it by them taking their own lives.

I, for one, do not have a problem letting people know that I am sick. Just as if I had a heart problem or high blood pressure. I want people to know that yes, I am ill, but no, it will not get the best of me.

Read more about Paul Jones in the next page


Paul Jones,a nationally touring stand up comedian, singer/songwriter, and businessman, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in August 2000, just a short 3 years ago, although he can trace the illness back to the young age of 11 years old. Coming to grips with his diagnosis has taken many "twists and turns" not only for him, but also for his family and friends.

One of Paul's main focuses now is to educate others as to the effects this illness can have not only on those who suffer from bipolar disorder, but also the effects it has on those around them - the family and friends who love and support them. Stopping the stigma associated with any mental illness is paramount if proper treatment is to be sought by those that may be affected by it.

Paul has spoken at many high schools, universities, and mental health organizations as to what it's like to, "Work, Play, and Live with Bipolar Disorder."

Paul invites you to Walk the Path of Bipolar Disorder with him in his series of articles on Psychjourney. You are also cordially invited to visit his website at www.BipolarBoy.com.

Purchase his book, Dear World: A Suicide Letter

Dear World- A Suicide Letter book by Paul E. JonesBook Description: In the United States alone, bipolar disorder impacts over 2 million citizens. Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety Disorders and other mentally-related illnesses affect 12 to 16 million Americans. Mental illness is the second leading cause of disability and premature mortality in the United States. The average length of time between the onset of bipolar symptoms and a correct diagnosis is ten years. There is real danger involved in leaving bipolar disorder undiagnosed, untreated or undertreated- people with bipolar disorder who do not receive proper help have a suicide rate as high as 20 percent.

Stigma and fear of the unknown compound the already complex and difficult problems faced by those who suffer from bipolar disorder and stems from misinformation and simple lack of understanding of this disease.

In a courageous attempt to understand the illness, and in opening his soul in an attempt to educate others, Paul Jones wrote Dear World: A Suicide Letter. Dear World is Paul's "final words to the world"- his own personal "suicide letter"- but it ended up being a tool of hope and healing for all who suffer from "invisible disabilities" such as bipolar disorder. It is a must read for those suffering from this illness, for those who love them and for those professionals who have dedicated their lives to try to help those who suffer from mental illness.

next: Techniques for Managing Mania and Depression
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). Sharing a Diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder with Family And Friends, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/articles/sharing-a-diagnosis-of-bipolar-disorder-with-family-and-friends

Last Updated: April 3, 2017

Supplements and Vitamins Table of Contents

1 suppplements and vitamins healthyplace

Learn about the different supplements and vitamins used for treatment of mental health conditions. Comprehensive information on usage, dosage, efficacy and side effects.

 


 


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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). Supplements and Vitamins Table of Contents, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/supplements-vitamins/supplements-and-vitamins-toc

Last Updated: July 10, 2016

Sex and Intimacy

Sex and Intimacy

There is a saying which goes, "Men will do anything for sex, even love. Women will do anything for love, even sex." What is needed is for men and women to bridge the differences between them, rather than men being 'right' or women being 'right.'

Definitions and realities are in order here.

  1. Not all women are alike. Some women are more evolved than other women.
  2. Not all men are alike. Some men are more evolved than other men.
  3. Gender identity is the sense we have of belonging either to the male half of the human race or the female half of the race.
  4. Gender conceit is when either sex assumes that what is natural and preferred for her/his sex is correct for both sexes.

In our culture, as in almost any culture, powerful expectations of how males and females should behave exists. Until recently, in our culture, the male was expected to be aggressive and detached from emotion, while the woman was expected to be nurturing and "in touch" with her emotions.

Although our gender expectations are changing, they change slowly. There are definite differences in place already for both men and women that are caused by the way we were socialized as children. In addition, each sex thinks his/her sex is the correct one.

Gender identification is so ingrained in our psyche that we are certain "we are right!" When we are accused of being wrong for being the way society made us, we become defensive.

It is also common to think the other sex is the same as our sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. For either sex to assume that what is natural and preferred for his sex or her sex is correct for both sexes has been called "gender conceit."


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Men and women both want to be loved. Men and women both want to be respected. Each sex has valid, but different, approaches to love, intimacy, and sex. They do have different views of what it takes to be loved and respected.

Actually, what is needed is for men and women to bridge the differences between them rather than men being "right" or women being "right." We need to understand the opposite sex.

There is a saying which goes, "Men will do anything for sex, even love. Women will do anything for love, even sex." For men, being sexually active is being alive and fulfilled. It confirms their masculinity and raises their self-esteem. For women, being hugged, touched, caressed, and cuddled is often much more important than sex.

Men are easily aroused. Women must often give themselves permission to "turn on."

When anger or another problem enters the picture, the differences between men and women and physical intimacy become even more evident.

He feels that making love will make-up.

She feels they must make-up before making love. When the relationship is in disrepair, a woman will feel it has to be repaired before sex, not repaired by sex. And a man will feel exactly opposite.

Men have sexual thoughts often during the day. Women can go for hours, even days, without a sexual thought.

For women touching without sex is soothing and comforting. It imparts a warm feeling of security. For many men, touching without sex can easily be misunderstood and even threatening.

Watch men together. When men touch, it is in a rough manner--punching each other or slapping each other on the back. This is because tender touching has sexual undertones for a man. It makes many men feel vulnerable and dependent, feelings men have been socialized to feel are unmasculine. Young women dream about love and romance; young men dream about sexual fulfillment.


Men are not comfortable with so much closeness and intimacy that they feel vulnerable. Women are not comfortable without it.

Women view sex as coming from a close, intimate relationship. Women want to be in love before having sex. Men think sex is an expression of love.

For women, the relationship eventually includes sex. For men, the relationship doesn't really start until it includes sex.

For most women, sexual involvement implies that a relationship is possible. For men, such an implication is certainly not automatic.

Women rarely comprehend a man's ability to separate sex and love. If "her" man has sex with another woman, he can not still love her.

Always remember:

  1. Not all men are alike. In addition, some men are more evolved than other men.
  2. Not all women are alike. In addition, some women are more evolved than other men.
  3. Gender identity is the sense we have of belonging either to the male half of the human race or the female half of the race.
  4. Gender conceit is when either sex assumes that what is natural and preferred for her/his sex is correct for both sexes.

Almost all women want to be in love before having sex. Almost all men think sex is an expression of love.

For women, the relationship eventually includes sex. For men, the relationship doesn't really start until it includes sex.

Men and women even watch each other differently. Think about it:

Men are open about watching a woman's body, admiring it and looking it up and down. Women look at men's bodies, too, but they are usually more subtle. Women look while pretending to look elsewhere.

Dave Barry writes for the Miami Herald. He gives a graphic description of women and men watching near nudity on Miami's beaches. Barry writes:

"On my fact-finding trips to Miami-area beaches, I've noticed that the Europeans don't seem to notice that they're almost naked. But the Americans definitely do. American women are cool about it; they have developed the ability to look at things, such as a man's Euro region, via a Stealth Glance technique, so that you never actually catch them doing it. (They use a similar technique for scratching.) American men, on the other hand, are as subtle as a dog with its nose in another dog's butt. When an American man catches sight of a bosom, his head snaps toward it, his eyeballs lock onto it like missile radar, and a loud alarm goes off in his brain, similar to the one in the submarine movies that goes, "DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!', except it goes "BOSOM! BOSOM! BOSOM!" As long as the man is within range of the bosom (12 miles) his head will remain pointed toward it and he will be unable to think about anything else..."

Thanks Dave Barry. We needed that explanation!


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next: How Important is Sex to Intimacy?

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). Sex and Intimacy, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/psychology-of-sex/sex-and-intimacy

Last Updated: August 20, 2014

Helping the Alzheimer's Patient With Grooming and Personal Care

Grooming and personal care can be a challenge for the Alzheimer's caregiver. Here are some suggestions.

Each person develops particular routines of grooming and most of what we do to improve our appearance is done in private or, at least, independently. As Alzheimer's disease changes all aspects of a person's life, it also changes a person's approach to his/her appearance and habits of grooming.

As the caregiver, it's important to understand how Alzheimer's disease progresses and what parts of the brain are affected. That way, you can anticipate solutions to problems before they arise.

The Alzheimer's Society of Canada offers these suggestions in assisting the person with Alzheimer's:

Consider the person

  • Are there any medical problems, such as depression, that contribute to the patient's lack of interest?
  • Does the patient understand what to do with a washcloth, toothbrush, etc.?
  • Are memory problems keeping the person from completing the task?
  • Are decisions difficult to make? Are there too many options being offered in the decision-making process?
  • Does the person feel rushed?

Consider the environment

  • Is the room too cluttered or noisy?
  • Is there privacy?
  • Is there enough light?

Caregiver considerations

  • Are you being to fussy, invasive, or adding stress to the situation?
  • Are your instructions clear?

Here are some suggestions for specific tasks:

  1. Bathing
  2. Dressing
  3. Changing Clothes

Sources:

    • Alzheimer's Society of Canada: Information on Alzheimer's Care

 


next: Bathing the Alzheimer's Patient

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 15). Helping the Alzheimer's Patient With Grooming and Personal Care, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alzheimers/grooming/helping-with-grooming-personal-care

Last Updated: February 26, 2016