The ADHD and sugar link has been one of the most highly debated in terms of research surrounding nutrition and mental/behavioral health. For years, many believed those with ADHD would experience worsening symptoms as higher levels of sugar were consumed.  While several studies endorse this hypothesis, further research on ADHD and sugar is needed to confirm this theory.

ADHD and Sugar

The brain needs a certain amount of sugar to function adequately. Brain functions including the retention of information and memory are fueled by sugar. Essentially, sugar is the main fuel source of the brain. Yet consuming too much sugar can have a negative effect on mental, physical, and behavioral health. And when it comes to people with ADHD and sugar, there is evidence suggesting an increased negative impact. Of course, each person is affected differently, but for some people with ADHD, too much sugar can lead to increased hyperactivity, problems with attention and focus, and fluctuating moods (Diets for ADHD Hyperactive Child and Inattentive Type). Additionally, sugar effects dopamine levels, which can cause fluctuating hormone levels. Thus, the connection between symptoms of ADHD and sugar consumption should not be dismissed.

Sugar and ADHD Symptoms

One study from Yale University looked at sugar and ADHD symptoms in children and concluded that with increased sugar intake, hyperactive children’s destructive behaviors and restlessness increased. While there are several other studies that indicate increased symptoms of ADHD with increased sugar consumption, there are others that find no relationship.  One of the most well known of these studies was conducted in 1985 by Dr. Mark Wolrach. He looked at 16 boys with ADHD over 3 days and had half drink a sugary beverage while the other half received a “placebo” drink.  The results revealed no difference in the boys’ behavioral or cognitive function. So, while there seems to be no clear cut answer to the debate over ADHD and sugar, if you are thinking sugar might be affecting you or your child, there are ways to cut back.

Decreasing Sugar Consumption

Managing sugar intake seems simple enough in terms of just avoiding foods with high sugar contents. Yet it is not always this straightforward.

• Look at Ingredient Labels

You may already be checking the amount of sugar in certain items you buy.  Nonetheless, it is likely you aren’t checking for sugars in things that you would not assume contain sugar in the first place. But beware – it may surprise you to find sugar is added to a number of foods you did not consider, such as pasta sauce and whole-wheat bread.  This is why it is so important to check everything you put in your shopping basket.

• Know What to Look For:

Identifying which foods have sugar in them can be difficult because sugar isn’t always listed as sugar. Food manufacturers tend to use different names to “hide” sugar in your food including:

Fructose
Dextrose
Corn syrup
Corn sweetener
High-fructose corn syrup,
Crystalline fructose
Malt syrup
Corn syrup solids

• Be Aware of Cravings

From time to time, many people (whether they are aware of it or not) tend use food to cope with stress, overwhelming emotions, and difficult times.  And for some of those people, sugar is their go-to. Begin to turn your attention towards your cravings.  The more awareness you have, the more you can manage those cravings. If your child has ADHD and sugar is his or her “go-to” for comfort, try providing education on healthier options.

• Choose Spices Over Sugar

Many people enjoy adding sugar to food and/or drinks for extra flavor. Yet there are so many other options to enhance the taste of what you put in your mouth. Explore new spices, herbs, or citruses as alternative options to help manage your ADHD and sugar consumption.

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A guide on how to give constructive criticism and how to help your child with adhd through the use of constructive criticism.

Introduction

We have an obligation to teach our children how to conduct themselves properly in the world. Part of this duty requires us to correct their mistakes in behavior. One of the ways we do this is through giving our children constructive criticism.

First we need to stress that to give this criticism to our children is an option, it is an obligation. As parents we have a duty to redirect our children. It is not in our children's best interests nor do we do them any favors if we do not guide them properly. When we see things that come up in their daily lives that they do wrong, we must correct this behave. How can we as parents redirect our children's behavior in such a way that it does not get in the way of the healthy parent child relationship?

How to Give Criticism Constructively

There are a number of things we should remember when redirecting our children that will make our criticism more accepted and more effective.

1- Children Have Feelings

This is probably the most important thing to remember when criticizing our children. It is obvious to everyone that children have feelings. Yet very often it is something that we as parents forget.

Children, particularly when they are small, are completely in our control. It is easy to forget that they are little people. They have feelings that can be hurt and self-esteem that can be crushed if we criticize them in a non-constructive belittling way. We must try to relate to them as we would like others to relate to us.

2- Have Your Message Clear

The goal of proper criticism is to get your message across to your child. That means you have to have a message. If you don't have an idea you are trying to convey, then all you are doing by criticizing your child is venting your own anger and frustration. You will do nothing positive for your child, and your child will not change his behavior in the future. Remember, your goal with criticism is to educate, not to punish or embarrass or to seek revenge against the child. When you criticize you must have something you are trying to teach.

3- Deliver Your Message Properly

You must give rebuke. It is your obligation as a parent. You have an obligation to raise your child properly. The point is that it should be given in a positive manner. To do this you must satisfy a number of conditions.

a. Criticize the behavior not your child

This is critical. Direct your criticism toward your child's behavior. It has to be clear to your child that it is the behavior that upsets you, not him.

b. Don't label your child

Children get their sense of whom they are from what others tell them. When a parent gives a child a label, this label will eventually stick, with disastrous consequences.

I recently heard the following story:

A teenager came to consult with a well-known educator about the problems he was having with his parents. Here is how the conversation went at the start of their first meeting.

"I don't get along with my father. We're not anything alike. My father- he's driven. He gets up early in the morning. He works all day. In his free time he's involved in a bunch of charity organizations. He is always taking classes. All the time he's on the go doing things here and there. He never stops. And me..."

"Yes?"

"I'm a lazy good for nothing bum."

So what actually happened? The father of this boy grew up in the depression. He was extremely poor. Through tremendous hard work he pulled himself out of poverty and is now quite wealthy. But all his life he maintained the same work ethic that delivered him from poverty.

The son on the other hand grew up wealthy. He has a new car, a pocket full of credit cards and anything that he wants he can buy. What does he have to work for?

So the father, even on his days off gets up early and is always doing something. The son, a typical teenager likes to sleep late. So the father watches he son sleeping, 9am, 10am, 11am, and he's frustrated. He can't get his son to do anything.

Finally, he goes to his son and tries to get him out of bed.

"Get up! Get up already! Get up you lazy good for nothing bum!"

This went on for a year or two.

The father was trying to convey to his son a message. "Don't sit around and waste your life. Get up and make something of yourself."

This is a great message, but it was lost. The message that went in was "you're a lazy good for nothing bum." This label went in so deep that on the first meeting with a complete stranger, this is how the boy introduced himself.

The bottom line is don't label your child. It will almost certainly have negative results.

c. Give your rebuke privately

It will be hard enough on your child to have to bear your criticism. You should do everything you can to spare him the embarrassment of having you rebuke him in front of others.

d. Don't dwell upon the past

The only valid criticism is for the future. What the child did is over. You should acknowledge the mistake but make it clear that the reason you are speaking to your child is so that he can improve in the future.

4- Offer an Opportunity to Correct the Wrong

Your child has to know what he did was wrong. He should also be given the opportunity to redeem himself by correcting his mistake. You should have suggestions how the child can correct the wrong. This will give your child the message that he can't hurt others and just walk away. He must say he's sorry or do the victim a favor. It gives him a chance to take responsibility for his actions. It also allows him to put the misdeed behind him and go on.

5- Deliver the Criticism with Love

This is vital. Criticism is a gift. It is a gift of knowledge, it is a gift of values. But it is an unwanted gift. Still, it is a gift nevertheless. No one wants to hear criticism. Our goal when we give criticism is to do it as painlessly as possible so it will be received properly.

It must be clear when you deliver your message that you are doing it for your child's sake. If your child knows that what you are saying is because you love him, the message will be better received.

If you are angry, all the child will hear is the anger. What the child will hear is "You don't like me." Nothing else will be heard. You must make it clear to your child that you are criticizing because you care about him. You cannot let the message get blurred out by the static of your emotions.

This is not easy. It is easy to write about it and to read this when no one is around and things are calm. It is much harder to apply this idea when there is a tumult going on and the tensions are high. Still we have to acknowledge at least the proper way to do things. Or else we will never be successful.

6- Try to See Your Child's Point of View

We as parents are not faced with the same challenges as our children. This leads to a very reasonable response, at least in the mind of the child, to think, "Who are you to criticize me? How do you know what I am going through? You don't understand me."

This is a legitimate response. Your child doesn't see you as a former child. Your child sees you as a stable adult. Now, you may understand your child perfectly, but your child doesn't know that. It helps when you give criticism to visualize things from your child's perspective and couch your words is such a way that your child knows clearly you understand him.

7- Sometimes it is Better to Delay the Criticism

We have a knee jerk reaction to respond immediately when we see our children do something that we don't like. This is a normal reaction. However, you should always try to think if this is the best time and place to rebuke your child.

When your child does something wrong he will be expecting the criticism right away. When the child is expecting the reaction, his guard is up he will react by defending himself and fighting back. He will not hear what you say and he will be defending himself.

Sometimes it is better to wait until things quiet down. Then you can discuss with the child rationally and the child will hear it. You will also be calmer and be able to deliver a better message to your child.

8- Sometimes no Criticism is the Best

The purpose of criticism is to correct future behavior. If it is clear to the child that he did something wrong and if the child feels bad about what was done and he is not likely to repeat it, there is nothing added by acknowledging his misdeed.

Mistakes When Giving Criticism

Under the best circumstances it is very hard to give criticism properly. However there are a number of factors that make it that much more difficult to constructively address your child's wrong behavior. Usually, you will not be able to control these factors. However, if you are aware of them, it will put you on your guard to be extra careful when rebuking your child.

1- If You are Close to the Situation

It is very easy for me to remain unattached when someone else's child misbehaves. When some else's child opens a box of crayons and starts drawing on the walls of the department store, I must confess that it really doesn't bother me at all. I might even find it amusing. However, I am sure the parents of that child don't view the situation the way I do.

As a parent you are automatically involved in the situation. This makes it hard to thing clearly and logically. It also makes it much more likely that your response will be wrong.

2- If the Problem Affects You Directly

Often one of my children will do something to his sibling. It is not hard to stay detached and respond appropriately when that happens. However, when I am the victim of the misdeed, it is much harder to view the action objectively and respond correctly.

3- If You Need to Respond Immediately

It is always better if you have time to think out and plan your response. However, we don't often have that luxury. Usually our child's behavior must be addressed immediately. You should know when this happens, it is much more likely that you will make mistakes.

4- If the Child did Something to You in Public

We are all very concerned about our public image. When our children embarrass us in public, either through an inappropriate behavior or a direct attack, it is very hard to give an unattached appropriate response.

The only way I know that you can always be successful in these four scenarios is if you anticipate it ahead of time and plan out your response. This is not easy to do. I know from personal experience that my children are much more creative than I, and I can't usually guess what new things they are going to do. Still, every once in a while I do get it right and when I can't prevent their misdeed, I can at least respond to it appropriately.

Conclusion

I want to point out that the principals that we have discussed apply when you need to rebuke anybody. The difference is that for anyone else we usually can choose whether or not to get involved. As a parent we do not have that option. We are automatically involved.

We have an obligation to correct our children's behavior. Our children need our guidance. It is a terrible example when parents let their children do what they want without direction. The children may act like they like the freedom, but these are the children who grow up not knowing right from wrong and not realizing that there are consequences for bad actions. Eventually these children feel that their parents really don't care about them. Often they are right.

It is hard to be a parent. But the more effort you put into steering your child on the proper path to adulthood, the more happiness you will have when you share in your child's successes through his life.

About the author: Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.

Many children with ADHD find it difficult to make and keep friends. Find out how to help your ADHD child develop and maintain friendships.

The Importance of a Few Good Friends

In the past, most of the ADHD research and treatment programs involving social interactions focused on how to improve the child's general standing among his peers. The results were less than satisfactory. The reason is that once the group views a child as an outcast, this label is hard to overcome. Even if the child changes the behaviors that originally caused this label, a reputation as a social outcast stays with him.

Fortunately, a study published in the April 2003 issue of the Journal of Attention Disorders, has taken a new look at ADHD and peer relationships. The study focuses on the affects of helping ADHD children develop a single good friend. The researchers studied 209 5-12 year old children with ADHD who participated in an intensive 8-week summer behavioral treatment program.

The program was set up along the lines of a summer day camp. In addition to the usual components of such a program, like social skills training and behavioral training, the researchers added a "buddy system" to the program.

The "buddy system" was implemented to promote the development of friendship skills. The program involved pairing each child with an age and gender matched "buddy". Buddies were also paired based on similarities in behavioral, athletic, and academic competencies and on whether children lived close enough together that play dates could occur outside of camp.

The parents were encouraged to have the child meet with his buddy outside of the time of the program. The goal was to have the children develop and maintain a single good friendship during the length of the program.

Results of the Buddy Program

Some of the results were as expected. Children who were more aggressive did not achieve as close a relationship with their buddy as the other children.

However, researchers uncovered two other points that are important to us. According to the evaluation by the staff, those children whose parents supported the buddy program by arranging play times outside of the camp setting, tended to form better relationships. More importantly, the children also felt themselves to more successful in making and sustaining the friendship.

Another important finding is that the type of buddy a child had affected his own academic success during the program. The more antisocial behavior a child's buddy displayed, the less likely teachers were to see academic or behavioral improvement in the child. Conversely, when a child's buddy was less antisocial, children were more likely to be regarded by teachers as making academic and behavioral gains.

What Does This Mean to Us?

How can you apply the results of this study? First, even if your ADHD child is suffering because his peers do not like him, you can significantly improve his situation by helping him find one or a few close friends.

However, there is a point of caution. What type of child becomes your child's close friend may have a significant impact on your academic standing and social behavior. The study showed that a better behaved child will influence your child to behave better. Okay so you knew that already. But, we're scientists. Just because something is blatantly obvious to anyone with any bit of sense doesn't mean that it's obvious to us. So for us this is a major finding.

You must also realize that other parents, as long as they aren't scientists, also know this. That means if your child has a behavior problem or if he is defiant, you must do everything you can to help your child improve his behavior. If not you will find that the parents of your child's friend will end the friendship.

This just emphasizes how important it is for parents to monitor with whom their children play. You must work hard to keep your child from associating with antisocial peers. This can be critically important in preventing a child from developing antisocial behavior himself or herself.

A final noteworthy point is that the success of a child making a close relationship with his buddy was largely related to how supportive the parents were. That means that you, as a parent, can influence your child and help him to develop a special close friend.

About the author: Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.

Children with ADHD have a difficult time making friends and because of aggressive and negative ADHD behaviors, they are rejected by their peers.

Introduction

Developing healthy peer relationships is critical for the normal development of a child. Peer relationships have been found to be an important predictor of positive adult adjustment and behavior. Difficulty in finding friends leads to feelings of low self-esteem and these feelings usually continue into adulthood.

Children with poor social skills are at risk for delinquency, academic underachievement, and school drop out. Even though the inattentiveness, impulsiveness, and restlessness frequently persist into adult life, these problems are of less importance as the child gets older. Rather, the main difficulty ADHD patients encounter as they reach maturity is their inability to interact appropriately with others.

ADHD children often lack the social skills that are essential to success in life. These children can be socially inept, and their lack of interpersonal skills may cause them a multitude of difficulties. In addition, positive relationships with friends in childhood provide a critical buffer against stress and help to protect against psychological and psychiatric problems. ADHD children lack these positive interactions and thus are at risk for a number of emotional problems.

Probably 60% of ADHD children suffer from peer rejection. ADHD children are less often chosen by peers to be best friends, partners in activities, or seatmates. As the children grow older, their social problems seem to get worse. Their inappropriate behavior leads to further social rejection and exacerbates their inability to relate to others appropriately. Long term these children are more likely to have difficulty finding and maintaining successful careers. This is not surprising since social aptitude can make or break careers and relationships in the adult world.

Causes of Poor Peer Relationships

ADHD children are frequently disliked or neglected by their peers. It is difficult to determine all the factors that make a child unpopular, but children who frequently display aggressive or negative behavior tend to be rejected by their peers.

Impulsivity and Aggression

ADHD children tend to be more impulsive and aggressive than other children. Teachers observe that the social interactions of ADHD children more often involve fighting and interrupting others. These children are more intense than others and behave inappropriately in social contexts. For example, ADHD children are more likely to yell, run around and talk at unsuitable times. They also tend to want to dominate play, engage in off task behaviors and engage more in teasing and physical jostling of peers. This sets up a process of peer rejection.

ADHD Children and Academic Problems

ADHD children often do not do well in school. Poor school performance by itself does not result in social rejection. However, the way the child responds to his academic difficulties can contribute to inappropriate social behavior. Children who cannot engage themselves with classroom work assignments often disrupt and irritate their peers.

Inattention

ADHD children have difficulty with sustained attention. Deficit in attention seems to be related to peer rejection independently of the aggressive, impulsive, and hyperactive behaviors of ADHD children. These children become bored more easily than other children. As a result, they are more likely to become disruptive in the classroom.

ADHD children have difficulty in modulating their behavior and changing their conduct as the situation demands. They have apparent social-cognitive deficits that limit their ability to encode and recall rules of social cues. Children with ADHD pay less attention to others verbally in games and other activities.

ADHD children have difficulty in modulating their behavior and changing their conduct as the situation demands. They have apparent social-cognitive deficits that limit their ability to encode and recall rules of social cues. Children with ADHD pay less attention to others verbally in games and other activities.

Many ADHD children are aware that they are socially inept. Children who are anxious or fearful about peer relations are unlikely to behave in an effective manner. These children withdraw from peer interactions and, in this way, limit their ability to gain acceptance and friendship.

Children tend to encounter social rejection when they are perceived to be dissimilar from their peers. Similarity fosters social acceptance. Because ADHD children do not learn social clues as well as other children, they tend to be viewed as different.

Bad Behavior

One of the keys to your child's social success is proper behavior. If your ADHD or ODD child frequently misbehaves, it is your obligation as a parent to teach your child how to improve his behavior.

If your child is aggressive or defiant, if he does not accept the authority of adults, or if he conducts himself in a such a way that children his age will view him as a behavior problem, then your child will have a difficult time making and maintaining friendships. The friends he will attract are other aggressive problem children, the type of child with whom which you would rather your child not associate.

All children need friends. Behavior problem children have trouble making friends with others, so these children tend to congregate together. They reinforce each other's bad behavior. If you are an aware parent and you have control of your child you can put a stop to friendships with these children. However, you must take control of your child's behavior in order to help him to avoid the trap of bad friends.

Conclusion

Helping children with ADHD build close peer relationships is an important goal to focus on, and is one that often may be overlooked. You, as a parent, have the ability to help your child accomplish this important social goal. You should make every effort to help your child in this area. His psychological health and his happiness, both now and in the future, are very much dependent upon how successful he is at making and maintaining childhood friendships.

About the author: Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.

For a child, the most important people in the world are his parents. Your behavior as a parent leaves a permanent impression in the child's subconscious mind.

A certain educator was once asked at what point should a parent begin to prepare for child raising.

"How old are you?" the educator inquired.

"Twenty-three."

"You should begin twenty-three years ago."

What is the message? The single most important thing a parent can do to educate a child is to provide the child with a good role model. A parent has to work a whole lifetime becoming the type of person that he wants his child to become.

The most important people in the world in the child's eyes are his parents. They are his first and most important teachers. The behavior of a child's parents leaves a permanent impression in the child's subconscious mind. Why is this so? The reason is that the most reliable source of priorities and values in a child's eyes is his parents. Children have an innate trust in their parents. They feel that everything their parents say and do is the true and proper way to behave.

We all wish our children would do what we say and not what we do. However, this is not how the mind of a child works. The intellect of a child is undeveloped. As a result, children function on an emotional level, absorbing more from what they see and hear around them than from what they are taught.

Parents Have a Huge Influence on Child

What is the take-home message? The main thing for you to realize is that you have far more influence on your child than you probably realize. Your child is going to pattern himself after you. That is how nature set it up. Your job as a parent is to be the best role model that you can be. True, it is hard, but that is the way it is.

The following is a story I heard recently that brings out the extent to which your child learns from your actions.

A certain kindergarten teacher once warned a group of parents to be careful about how they behave in front of their children. "By the way your children play in school," she said. "I know which of you treat each other respectfully. I know which of you use foul language at home. I know everything about how you behave in your home by the way your child plays, talks, and behaves."

Remember, you might think that everything that goes on in your home behind closed doors is hidden from the world, but it is not. Your child sees everything. Your child is going to take your behavior and broadcast it to the world. Make sure that what he is transmitting is something that you want the world to see.

Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.

Anxiety affects relationships in many ways. Sometimes, one or both partners already experience anxiety when their relationship begins. Other times, just being in a relationship can spark anxiety given all the uncertainties and risks involved. The idea of getting hurt is scary. In multiple ways, anxiety affects relationships. Understanding how can help you reduce anxiety in your relationships.

Anxiety within Relationships

Anxiety frequently manifests in relationships just like it does in people. Anxiety causes disruptive feelings of:

• Worry about many different things
• Repeated worry about one idea (also known as rumination)
• Apprehension
• A sense of impending doom

In relationships, these can involve worry about the other person (their health, safety, faithfulness, commitment, etc.), or they can be about the person with anxiety, such as a fear that they’re unworthy of the relationship. Anxiety can be about the nature of the relationship itself: will it last, is this right for me, what if we’re not compatible? What if I love them more than they love me—or the other way around.

Before we explore more about relationships and anxiety, it’s important to note that all people and all relationships experience some anxiety from time to time. A bit of anxiety is normal and healthy because it can help you know what you do and don’t want in your relationships. Anxiety also propels people to make positive changes when needed (Psychological Self-Help: Does It Work and Where to Find It).

Anxiety, including anxiety with relationships, becomes a problem when it interferes in daily life. A relationship dominated by anxiety and discomfort can quickly become negative and problematic for both parties—the person who experiences anxiety and their partner ("What Is an Anxiety Disorder?").

Anxiety and Relationships: No Small Problem

People are involved in multiple groups and interactions with others, and they can experience anxiety with any of their relationships: friends, family, classmates, coworkers, children, and romantic partners. Anxiety can begin at any stage of any relationship. Worries, fears, self-doubt, doubt regarding the other person, and other anxious thoughts and emotions can creep in at any time to erode bonds and create distance. To say that anxiety is a nuisance, an uninvited guest, is an understatement.

Anxiety affects each person individually and the relationship between them. One reason for this is that anxiety runs deep and is all-encompassing. For someone with anxiety, thoughts are clouded with anxious beliefs, worries, what-ifs, and worst-case scenarios. (He hasn’t looked up from his book in an hour. He’s not interested in me anymore. He’s going to leave me.) Emotions follow (I’m devastated and embarrassed that I am unlovable). Both distorted thoughts and anxious emotions impact behavior, how someone acts in a relationship (Feeling hurt and worried, she locks herself in the bedroom and won’t let her partner in. He sleeps on the couch, confused and angry.)

Anxiety within relationships steals positive thoughts, emotions, and actions and replaces them with stressful ones. As anxiety grows, there is less and less room for joy in the relationship. When people are distracted by worries and what-ifs, they’re too distracted to pay attention to each other. This results in further misunderstandings and more worry. A tragic way that anxiety affects relationships is that these relationships often have problems beyond what’s typical in relationships without anxiety.

Effects of Anxiety within Relationships

Anxiety creates problems between two people in relationships and anxiety can ruin some relationships. Some examples of the symptoms of relationship anxiety include:

• Misunderstanding
• Displeasure
• Sorrow
• Isolation from other people when anxiety prevents one partner from going out and socializing, making the other partner stay in as well
• Isolation from each other as anxiety creates distance
• Difficulty supporting each other’s needs
• Worry and rumination about the other person and the relationship
• Fear
• Irritability
• Resentment
• Dependence, need for reassurance
• Guilt

Anxiety can negatively affect relationships and the people in them, but that doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to be forever single if you have anxiety. With an awareness of anxiety and relationships, you can work on decreasing anxiety and increasing joy with your partner.

article references

Parents can learn how to create an emotional bond with your child that will last a lifetime.

One of the most powerful tools parents have for raising their children is the natural emotional bond that exists between them and their child. Children who feel close to their parents will have a strong desire to obey them. No child with this type of connection to his parents will want to risk hurting that connection by disobeying them. When such a relationship exists, the mere look of dissatisfaction on the face of a parent will usually be enough to curb inappropriate behavior. This bond is so strong and so potent that it lasts even though adolescence when most of the disciplinary tools at our disposal are ineffective. Often, it is the only tool we have in guiding our teenage children. Parents who do not have such a connection with their children have lost a vital resource necessary for successful parenting.

In addition, this bond is essential for the child's emotional stability. A recent psychology experiment studied people in their forties, whose parents were emotionally distant from them. These people were often depressed and lacked a sense of emotional wellbeing. They had more difficulty in adjusting to the work environment and new social situations.

How do you develop this type of loving bond with your child?

It begins in your child's infancy and is built by giving your child the love and affection that he needs.

Many well-meaning mothers are completely unaware that their own children are suffering from the lack of physical touch. There are many reasons for this. Most people associate deprived children as those who are neglected, abused, or chronically ill. However, the truth is that many of our children who come from good homes are not getting the physical warmth and love that they need.

In our two-income society, unaffectionate caretakers, who provide for the child's physical needs with as little warm and contact as possible, often raise children. Also, many of us did not receive enough physical love and warmth as children. As a result, it is not natural to us to cuddle, coo, kiss, and love our children affectionately. In addition, some children naturally need more physical warmth. These touch-deprived children fill our schools. They are the ones who often look sad and depressed, suffering from not getting their physical needs for contact.

The United States is one of the richest countries in the history of the world. Yet, our children, in general, are touch-starved. We are busy with our lives and our careers. We often raise our children in broken homes. We as parents are suffering under the burden of so much physical and emotional stress, that we are often just glad to make it through the day without hitting or screaming at our children. Who has time to give them affection? Yet, this is what our children crave most from us. We fill our houses with toys and things for our children, but it is us that they really need.

There is much talk about the generation gap. We all know that adolescents naturally rebel. Sometimes we look at our little children and wonder what is going to be in ten years when this cute little four-year-old turns fourteen. Will he be one of the children who abuses drugs? Is he going to steal? Is he going to do worse? What is going to be?

Giving Your Child Warmth and Love

You need to take the time now and give your child the physical warmth and love that your child needs. If you build strong bonds of love with your child now, while he is still young, then all these problems that you read about, will be just that; things that you read about. You will not experience these problems in your own home, because you have developed a strong relationship with your child.

Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.

Many families with ADHD children have to deal with sibling rivalry. Here are some helpful suggestions for managing sibling rivalry.

Introduction

There are many new issues facing parents today. Sibling rivalry is not one of them. It is as old as Cain and Abel.

Sibling rivalry is universal, but more importantly, sibling rivalry is normal. More than that current research shows that sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy family. One of the signs of a dysfunctional home or a home where there is a lot of stress is that there is no sibling rivalry. In these homes, the children tend to cling together for security.

So if sibling rivalry is universal and it is found in normal homes, it must serve a purpose.

The Benefits of Sibling Rivalry

One of the main benefits that sibling rivalry teaches children is conflict resolution. Life is full of conflict. As adults, we have developed skills to resolve these conflicts in an effective and civil manner. How did we develop these skills? We learned this by pounding our little brother. We learned this by fighting with our big sister.

You can learn certain skills by arguing with your parents, but it is not the same. Through your parents you learn how to deal with authority. But siblings are peers. Learning how to relate to them properly prepares us to relate to our friends and our spouses. You can only learn conflict resolution when there is conflict. Sibling rivalry provides a safe and supervised haven for children to learn how to resolve their disagreements with others.

The second important lesson that we learn through sibling rivalry is that the world is not fair. This is a very important and bitter lesson to learn. There is always some who will do better than you. There is always someone who is richer, who is smarter, who has better-behaved children, who has a happier marriage. Life is full of inequities. We may not like it but most of us have come to terms with these inequities. Where did we learn to accept that everything is not always distributed evenly? We learned it from our siblings.

How to Manage Sibling Rivalry

Now that we have a framework for what children accomplish through sibling rivalry, we can understand better how we as parents can use our children's relationships with each other to help them grow into healthy normal adults.

How to Oversee the Conflict Resolution

Since the purpose of sibling rivalry is to learn how to resolve conflicts with others, you should as much as possible let your children work out disputes themselves. You should direct them when necessary, but the idea is to give them as little direction as possible.

What You Should Do

Create a situation where the motivation is to resolve their differences. There are times they can't work it out, so you coach them give them ideas on how to compromise -- but the best thing is to have them resolve it themselves.

For example, say they are fighting over a toy. One child says he had it first. The other says he didn't get to play with it at all yesterday and now it's his turn.

Who is right? That is impossible to say. So what could you do? Tell them you don't know who is right about the toy, but if they are fighting about it they are both wrong. Then take it away from them and tell them that when they work out a way of sharing it they can have it back. You will be surprised how fast most children will be able to work out something.

What You Should Not Do

Do not try to figure out who started it. In most cases, you will never resolve this. More than that, any attempt to figure out who is the aggressor almost always makes things worse.

Usually, both children are at fault. Fighting with someone else is wrong. Once there is a fight they are automatically both wrong. What caused the fight becomes secondary.

What to Watch Out For

Your job as a parent is not to solve your children's problems, but to teach them how to solve them themselves. They must learn to make compromises. As much as possible they should be the ones who work out the compromise. However, there are some things you should watch for to be sure they are doing a good job.

Make Sure Compromise is Reasonable

You don't want to let one child bully the other into submission. You have to make sure there is no coercion.

Be on Alert for the Child Who is too Good

Some children avoid conflict by nature. They would rather give in and be the "good one" than get what they were originally after. If one of your children is like this you have to be on guard.

Constantly giving in is not acceptable. It is not good for the child who gives in because it trains him to be a target to be easily exploited. It is not good for the other child because it teaches him to take advantage of the good nature of others. You must make sure that each child gets something out of the compromise.

Special Situations

An Impulsive or Inflexible Child

Some children have specific problems, like being impulsive or inflexible. This may require you to intervene more often. Still, whenever possible it is better to let the children resolve their conflicts themselves. In most cases, when you make your children responsible for solving their own problems, they will be very quick to work out a solution.

Teenagers

The teen years are a special topic by itself and clearly not enough has been written on it. However, I am going to address only a few points here.

When Your Teen Fights with Your Seven Year Old

There are two very common reasons an older child will fight with a much younger child. The first is he feels the younger child is an imposition. We as parents use our older children to help us with the younger ones. This is good for both children. Yet at times the older child can feel that he is being forced into a parental role that he is not quite ready to fill. When this happens the child will begin to resent the burden of the younger sibling and this will result in fighting.

A second common cause is that teens are very possessive of what is theirs. Your average six-year-old may not understand this. He might take be used to playing with his nine-year-old brother's things, but when he takes the same liberties with what he finds on his teenage sister's shelf get quite a different response. Teens have a need for privacy and boundaries around what is their own. This need is normal and is part of the developmental stage that they are in. When a younger child transgresses those boundaries fights will ensue.

Treating Your Children Equitably

As I mentioned earlier, one of the things that sibling rivalry teaches is that things in life are not always fair. We have to keep this in mind when relating to our children.

Do Not Get Hung Up on Making Things Fair

Life is not fair. You probably know this by now. Your children need to learn this, too.

This does not mean you want to intentionally discriminate between your children. However, you should not knock yourself out trying to treat each child equally, for two reasons:

1. Your children will not learn the important lesson that life is not always fair.
2. You are doomed to fail. All you will accomplish is to frustrate yourself.

You can't make things fair. Nor can you give to each child equally. Your relationship with each child is unique. This does not mean that you don't love your children, but each one has a special type of relationship with you that is uniquely his. You should make an effort to be sure that the discrepancies are not extreme. You should be sure to give to each child what he or she needs. However, you are not being a bad parent by not treating to each of your children equally. That is life.

When You Can't Minimize the Differences

Not all children are equally easy to raise. Some children need a disproportionate amount of your time and attention and resources. This is a reality. You will not be able to spread yourself out evenly. There is nothing you can do about this.

If you have a child that needs an exorbitant amount of attention, for example, if the child is chronically ill, then you should discuss this with the other children. Explain to them that their brother or sister is ill and needs a lot of attention right now. You might even try to get them involved in helping the sick child.

Conclusion

Sibling rivalry is one of the least discussed topics in child raising. Yet sibling rivalry is part of every family when there is more than one child. Not only that but also sibling rivalry plays an important part in molding each child. How a person acts as an adult is in a large part a result of his relationships with his siblings.

Your job as a parent is to educate your child to be able to function as an adult. You should use how your children relate to each other as a tool so that they can learn to relate to others in the future.

About the author: Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.

The Problem

Recently, a well known educator and speaker on parenting issues made a list of all the difficult questions parents had been asking him about their teens. He noticed that of all the issues that are bothering parents, the number one concern is what to do about bad friends. This question was asked more than twice as often as the next most common concern.

This educator then did a very interesting experiment. At the time, he was working with a number of troubled teens. Many of these teens were estranged from their families. Some of them had resolved their difficulties and were already in the process of making peace with their parents.

He asked these teenagers, "What should I tell parents so that their children won't have the problems you are having."

He asked their advice on a number of issues that parents were finding difficult. In general, these teenagers had very good advice. However, when he asked them what to do about the number one issue that was troubling parents about their teens, none of them had anything to say.

He then asked these teens what it was that got them in trouble in the first place. The number one answer was bad friends.

So the number one issue that worries parents about their teens is bad friends. The number one cause of teens getting into trouble is bad friends. And the answer that these teens gave as to how to help parents deal with this issue was, "There is nothing parents can do."

The Reasons

One reason that parents can't separate their child from a bad friend is that the friend often has a stronger relationship. When a child is young, his parents are the major influence in his life. As children enter adolescence a change occurs. A natural part of growing up is breaking away from parents and making bonds with peers. This is normal. If the parent child bond is healthy, children will eventually renew their ties with their parents. This happens in the late teens or early twenties. But throughout most of adolescence, a normal child is closer to his friends than his family.

A second reason parents find it so difficult to separate their teens from bad friends is that, to put it simply, you can't take away what you can't replace. Parents cannot replace their child's friends.

There is very little you can do to separate your child from bad friends and bad influences once he reaches his teenage years. However, there are a number of guidelines of what not to do. If you follow these few principles, it will help you ride out the storm and minimize the problems.

What You Can Do

Do Not Attack Your Child's Friends

When your child is running in a bad crowd, your hold on him is loose or non-existent. The last thing you want to do is to acquire an enemy. If you make a personal attack on your child's friend that is exactly what you are going to get, a sworn enemy. This enemy will now be out to get you and he very likely have more influence on your child than you.

It will not help to tell your child not to tell this friend. If you trash your child's friend, this person will know about it minutes to hours after the words leave your mouth. You will have made an enemy for life, at a time when you need every ally that you can get.

This does not mean you cannot criticize the behavior. It is fair and reasonable to tell your child that you object to the kinds of things his friend is doing. However, don't make it a personal attack. Once you do that, you place yourself in a battle that you are almost certain to lose.

Enlist Help

As part of growing up, your child is trying to break away from you and forge his own path in life. This is normal. However, this need to break away only involves you. It does not involve other adults. This gives you an opportunity to indirectly influence your child.

You should try to find an adult or a responsible older teen that can foster a relationship with your child. It can be a member of your extended family or someone in your community. You can have this person keep contact with your child and try to direct him whenever possible.

Your child will be confiding in someone. It is much better if you can arrange that it is an adult or an older teen whose judgment you trust. Most teens just confide in their peers.

If your child is still young, you should take the opportunity to try to set up a relationship with someone older while you still have influence. I personally have set up several adults for each of my teenage children. These are people my children respect. Though I have not needed them yet, I know that I can rely on them if things ever turn sour.

Here is an important point to remember. If your child is confiding in a responsible adult, then you must be careful not to pressure this person to reveal what is being discussed. You have the right to know some general answers, like if things are okay or if your child is going through a rough time. But do not press for information. You may be doing great harm to your child.

Get to Know Your Child's Friends

This is very bold advice, but it usually works well. You should get to know your child's friends personally. A number of good things may come out of this.

You may find out that the children with whom your child associates are really not as bad as your initial impression. The teen years are hard on everyone. All children have difficulty. It is very possible you might find that your child's friends are basically good kids who are going through tough times.

Here is how you can do it. Pick an event, like your child's birthday or the end of the school year or some other special occasion. Tell your child that you want to take him and four or five of his friends out to dinner to celebrate. Take them to a restaurant. If you are going to be embarrassed by being seen with them, take them somewhere away from your home. If you live in Brooklyn, take them to a restaurant in Queens. If you live on the Boston North Shore take them to a restaurant on the South Shore. You don't have to embarrass yourself, but you should be subtle about it. Your child shouldn't be able to figure out that the reason you are driving 20 miles away from your house is that you would rather be dead than be caught seen with his friends.

Here is what you will gain:

1. You might find that you misjudged these children.
2. You will be giving your child the messages that since they are his friends, you welcome them.
3. You will be giving your child's friends the same message. Depending upon their own personal situation you may be the only adult in their lives that are treating them as people.
4. You will be acquiring four or five allies who are in a very strong position to help you at a time when you need it most.

The Advantage of Having Your Child's Friends as Allies

The first thing that you need to know is that children have a very strong sense of right and wrong. They may be doing the wrong thing, but they are well aware of it.

Now, picture this scenario. Your child is out with his friends Saturday night doing what you would rather not know about. It is 11:30 and you get a call on the phone. Your child is having a great time and everyone is still here, can he stay out until 2 am? You remind your child that he has a 12:00 curfew and he has to be home. Your child says a few choice things to you to and slams down the phone.

Now to whom does a teen complain when he is angry with his parents? His friends. So after he hangs up he goes to his friend and starts calling you every name in his somewhat extensive vocabulary. Let's say that this friend is someone you took out to dinner three weeks ago.

That person might just say to your child, "What's wrong with you? Your mother is okay. Look, you know she's right. Why are you giving her such an attitude?" This teen that you just took out to dinner may send your child home before any of the real trouble starts, all because you bought him dinner and treated him like a person.

Now what would happen if you had trashed this person? Do you think he'd be so quick to take your side? That's the advantage of making your child's friends allies instead of enemies.

Conclusion

Your teen is going to pick his friends. At this age, there is very little you can do to influence his choices. However, if you approach the problem with wisdom, there are a number of ways you can indirectly influence your child and help him to stay out of trouble.

About the author: Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.

Parents want their children to willingly obey them. Here's how to accomplish that.

Learning obedience is an important part of child development. This is the tool that allows you, as parents, to train your child. Through obedience, your child will learn self-control and develop other positive character traits that he will need as an adult.

Our goal then is not to force our children to obey us, but to get them to want to obey us. This willingness to obey will only come about if the parent's commands are based upon seven principles.

1-Loving Concern for the Child

A child knows quickly whether a parent's demands are for the sake of the child or for the personal convenience of the parent. If the parent's primary motive for giving orders is to make his own life easier, then the child learns to place his own interests first, also. If you want to be successful in raising your child, then your reason for giving orders must be for the benefit of your child. When your child senses that your demands are for his sake, he will much more readily obey you. He knows that it is for his own good. He will know that any demands made of him, no matter how unpleasant, come from a genuine concern for his welfare.

2-Sincere Respect for the Child

Parents must respect their children. This is a concept that is not well practiced by our society. Western society focuses on possessions. Somehow in the back of many parents' minds their children are counted among those possessions. We must remember that our children are not objects, but people. As people, they are deserving of respect. We must remember to give respect to our child to the same degree we would like others to respect us.

3-Patience

Very often our children do things that bother us. This is usually unintentional on their part and is just a reflection of their immaturity. However, if we show our children that we are annoyed they will begin to resent us. This resentment feeds their desire to rebel against our wishes. One of our goals as parents must be to try to keep our negative emotions in check.

4-Speaking Softly

Nothing gains a child's cooperation more than a gentle tone of voice. Speaking softly helps us to control our negative emotions, especially anger. A soft voice soothes and is more likely to be met with cooperation. It creates a relaxed atmosphere and is reassuring to children.

When we speak in a soft voice it also conveys strength. We show our children that we are in control of the situation and not merely reacting to it. If the only step you take is to control the volume of your voice, particularly in stressful situations, that alone will foster better child compliance. You will find that everything around you goes more smoothly.

5-Make Moderate Demands

No one likes having demands placed upon him. Children are no different. Yet we are constantly commanding our children. We feel that as parents we must take steps to correct every misdemeanor that we see. When the orders become excessive or arbitrary the parent becomes more like a dictator that an educator.

If you place a lot of obligations on your child, then your child is going to resent and resist your authority. One of the most important steps in getting your child to listen to you is to reduce the amount of demands that you place upon him. This will require you to stay calm and overlook a lot of childish behavior. Commands should be made thoughtfully and be within reasonable limits. The general rule is that if a certain behavior is not something your child will be doing as an adult and if it is not dangerous, then you should not make it a priority to correct.

6-Follow Through

Even if you do all that has been mentioned so far, you will still need to give your child orders. When you do so, you must be firm and make sure that your child obeys. If you give your child an instruction you must insist that he fulfill it. Often it will be easier or more convenient to just overlook disobedience. This is the end will erode your authority as a parent.

You should only make moderate and well thought out demands on your child. However, when you do make those orders your child must fulfill them. If we want our children to take our words seriously, then we must show them that we are serious.

7-Be Free with 'Yes', but not with 'No'

We must try to grant every reasonable request our children make of us. They should feel that we are giving to them freely and in overflowing abundance at all times. You should make it a rule to give your child whatever he wants unless you have a good reason not to do so.

In addition, we should try to temper our use of 'no'. Try not to avoid saying 'no' whenever possible. For example, if your child wants to have a treat before dinner and you want him to eat first, rather than say 'no' or 'not now' say, 'yes, after dinner.' This small change in the way you use the words 'yes' and 'no' will change your child's perception from the feeling that most of his desires are being denied to that most of them are being granted.

Conclusion

It is natural for a child to want to obey his parents. It is also necessary for his proper growth and development. Applying these seven keys will help you to make it easier for your child to obey you.

Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.