How to Use Condoms Correctly

Why use a condom? The types of condoms and how to use a condom. And what to do when your condom breaks.

For many, condoms are the contraception of choice. Not only do these little latex miracles provide protection against pregnancy, they protect against many sexually transmitted diseases as well. Condoms have been used as birth control for hundreds of years. In days of old, the condom was shaped like a cap that fit over the head of the penis and was made of materials such as linen or sheepskin. Fortunately, their shapes, materials, and effectiveness have drastically improved since the days of sheepskin protection. Today, there are hundreds of styles and types to choose from.

Types of condoms You can choose condoms that are rippled, studded, dry, powdered, lubricated, tinted, transparent, treated with spermicide, or various combinations of any these types. In addition, condoms come in different sizes, which may or may not be marked on the package. The best way to find a favorite is to try them out. Some brands are longer, wider, or thicker than others, so you may need to try a few before you find one that is comfortable for you. Condoms usually come with three or twelve per package. They can cost as little as a quarter each and as much as $2.50. The lubricated condoms are more expensive, as are specialty condoms made from animal tissue or polyurethane. Polyurethane or plastic condoms should only be used if you are allergic to latex, as breakage rates may be higher in non-latex condoms. Make sure to read the labels on the more unusual condoms to determine whether they protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Also, pay attention to the expiration dates because condoms do lose their effectiveness with age. Condoms are available in drugstores, drug sections of larger stores, and family planning centers. They are also available on the Internet.

How to use a condom Condoms need to be used properly in order to provide protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, and the most important thing to remember is to handle them carefully. They are easily broken and are ineffective when damaged. Condoms should be stored in a cool, dry place, and it's best not to stash them continually in a back pocket, wallet, or glove compartment.

Don't wait for the final moments to put it on...Don't wait for the final moments before orgasm to put on a condom. Pre-ejaculate can carry enough sperm to impregnate a woman. Men leak fluids from their penises before and after ejaculation, which can also carry enough germs to cause sexually transmitted infections. A fresh condom should be used each time a man is aroused. It's important that a partner be well lubricated before penetration with a condom. Not only does lubrication increase sensitivity and pleasure, it prevents condom tears. If you need to use lubricants, make sure that they are not oil-based, because oil can deteriorate latex and lead to breakage.

Putting it on In the heat of the moment, it's essential to use special care and restraint when opening the condom package. Condoms usually are packaged and sealed in aluminum foil or plastic, and the condom can break very easily as you open the package.

The condom should be placed over the tip of the erect penis, with extra space left at the tip. The condom is unrolled all the way to the base of the penis. Additional lubrication should be used if the condom is not already lubricated. After orgasm, when the man is pulling out of his partner's vagina, the condom needs to be held in place so that it doesn't come off. For maximal effectiveness, the penis should still be erect when it is removed from the vagina. Only when the penis is completely outside of the vagina should the condom be removed. It is also recommended that the penis be thoroughly washed after the condom comes off to ensure that no wayward sperm or germs make their way to the man's partner.

When bad things happen to good people

Sometimes condoms break. In the event that this happens, it is important to consult a physician about obtaining protection against pregnancy (the morning-after pill) and against sexually transmitted diseases. The good news is that studies indicate that the condom breakage rate in the United States is less than two percent. If condoms are used consistently and correctly, the pregnancy rate should be less than five percent per year. Unfortunately, many couples don't use the condom each and every time and, in these cases, the pregnancy rate will be higher.

Anal sex It is important to remember that it is possible for either sex partner to become infected with HIV and other infections during anal sex. In general, the person receiving the semen is at greater risk of getting HIV because the lining of the rectum is thin and may allow the virus to enter the body during anal sex. However, a person who inserts his penis into an infected partner also is at risk because HIV can enter through the urethra or through small cuts or open sores on the penis.

Having unprotected (without a condom) heterosexual or homosexual anal sex is considered to be very risky behavior. If people choose to have anal sex, they should always use a latex condom. While condoms work well most of the time, they are more likely to break during anal sex than during vaginal sex. A person should use a water-based lubricant in addition to the condom to reduce the chances of breakage.

Protection against sexually transmitted diseases The best way to protect yourself against contracting an STD while having sex is to properly use a latex condom. No other type of condom provides as much protection. There is not much research data to show how effective plastic and animal-tissue condoms are for protection against sexually transmitted infections. Some viruses, such as hepatitis B and HIV, may be small enough to pass through the pores of animal tissue. Latex condoms have been shown to provide protection against pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, human immunodeficiency virus, vaginitis caused by infections like trichomoniasis, and vaginitis caused by changes in the pH balance of the vagina that can be triggered by semen chancroid.

Conclusion The condom is a good option for preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Although it is the most proven and effective barrier, the condom may not prevent all cases of pregnancy, nor all cases of HIV, and people should be extremely careful even during protected intercourse. That said, government-sponsored studies have shown that using a condom is 10,000 times safer than not using one in protecting against HIV. My recommendation to a couple using condoms is to use a latex condom in addition to other protection such as a diaphragm, cervical cap, contraceptive cream, foam, jelly, or even the birth control pill. This combination of contraception will provide you and your partner excellent protection from unwanted pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted disease. Note, however, that spermicides containing nonoxynol-9 have been shown to be ineffective in preventing HIV transmission and may even increase the risk of infection. A recent WHO report advises against the use of condoms with nonoxynol-9, especially for women at high risk of HIV infection.

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2021, December 21). How to Use Condoms Correctly, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/diseases/how-to-use-condoms-correctly

Last Updated: March 26, 2022

Talking to Our Girls About Sex

Our girls are developing faster than we did. It's up to us to help them love their rapidly changing bodies and thrive in a sexually charged world. Here's how to face the War on Girls

You're out shopping with your favorite niece, a sixth grader, and you're shocked to discover that she already wears a junior size nine. Or your own preteen begs you for a midriff top and hip-hugging capri pants. You reluctantly give in but vow she'll never be seen "looking like that" at school.

Girls have always grown up faster than boys. But these days they're developing at a younger age than their mothers and grandmothers did. "Over the last several decades, puberty has been starting early," says Andrew Goldstein, an obstetrician-gynecologist who teaches at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. In previous generations, puberty usually started with breast development at age 10 or 11 and lasted through age 16 or 17. Today it typically starts around age 9. And as a group, Black girls seem to develop earlier than other girls. "It's not unusual to see a girl at 8 or even 7 with breast buds," says Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., codirector of the New York Center for Human Sexuality at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center in New York and author of What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex.

What's Going On?

Medical experts aren't quite sure why girls are physically maturing earlier. One theory holds that growth hormones in meat, milk and other animal products may be triggering the change. Other theories point to genetics or to today's girls being better nourished than those of previous generations. Obesity has long been believed to play a role. But overweight girls aren't the only ones developing faster.

Most pediatricians advise mothers that there's no need to worry if their 8-year-old needs to wear a training bra or their 9-year-old starts menstruating. But look at the social context: Our culture is more sexually charged than ever, with fewer taboos and boundaries. According to a 1999 report by Kaiser Family Foundation, two thirds of primetime television programs feature sexual content, and an average of five scenes per hour depict sexual talk or behavior. Dare we mention the music videos? A National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy report notes that music videos objectify women--no surprise there--with 57 percent of women appearing partially clothed compared with 28 percent of the men.

We're also seeing a glorification of the nymphet--and she's getting younger and younger. A cute but grown-up-looking girl plants a grown-up kiss on a boy in Macy Gray's Sweet Baby video. At the end of the Destiny's Child video for Bootylicious, we see child versions of Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle. Combine these with the orgasmic aura of Britney Spears and Janet Jackson--both hugely popular among African-American girls--and Lil' Bow Wow's attempts to "pull" adult-looking women in his videos.

While those in the entertainment industry dismiss such images as harmless fun, experts warn that they encourage impressionable and fiercely devoted young fans to behave like adults before their time. For many young women, this can have lasting consequences. "If you don't have your girlhood when you're supposed to, you'll have it later," says Gaff E. Wyatt, Ph.D., a psychologist and professor at the University of California, Los Angeles. Delayed girlhood results in women who are immature, angry or unfocused, she explains. They may quit school or jobs prematurely because they never learned the lessons of adolescence before diving into womanhood. On the other hand, early womanhood can throw a girl into adult situations that she's not ready to handle.

Having the Talk

The good news is that by taking a holistic approach to our girls' development and truly maintaining responsibility for their spiritual, emotional, mental, physical and sexual development, we can help them better navigate the challenges that come with puberty. "Just as you prepare your child to read, you have to prepare them to deal with their sexuality," says Cheryl Doyle, M.D., associate director of pediatrics at Woodhull Medical and Mental Health Center in Brooklyn. It often seems that children don't listen to adults, but they actually greatly value what their parents say. According to a study by Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. and SmartGirl.com, nearly 80 percent of 8-to-12-year-olds said they turned to their mothers when they had a problem or needed advice. But when the topic is sex, too many of us clam up, secretly wishing our kids wouldn't ask, or we muddy the conversation with myths and euphemisms.

The time to start preparing for the talk is day one. From the time a child comes into the world, a diligent parent closely monitors all aspects of her development, from motor skills to verbal ability. As you read health books, parenting magazines and talk to your family pediatrician about physical and behavioral changes you observe, be sure you include those that may signal your daughter's evolving sexuality. For example, children spend the first four or five years of their lives discovering their mouth, fingers, toes--and their genitals. "It's very innocent body exploration, and because they get pleasure, they continue," Hutcherson says.

Such touching leads to questions about the child's own body. Then curiosity about their friends' bodies can turn into "playing doctor," or comparing genitals. This is not the time to freak out but to understand your child's natural curiosity. Nevertheless, parents should set boundaries. "We should explain that these are our private parts, and that's why we wear clothes," says Andrew Goldstein, the Baltimore OB-GYN. We should also begin to communicate to our children that no one else is allowed to touch their private parts.


The Stages of Puberty

The appearance of tiny breast buds or elevated nipples represents a major stage--called thelarche--in a girl's development. This is when a young girl's body starts producing estrogen. Soon afterward, the girl begins to develop fine hair under her arms and on her genitals; this is the stage called adrenarche. About a year after breast budding, the girl often has a growth spurt, gaining perhaps as much as four inches in a year.

So what does a mother do when her 8- or 9-year-old daughter's breasts begin to show? Hutcherson advises mothers to prepare their daughters for the physical changes, especially for the fourth stage of puberty, called menarche or the onset of menstruation. Up until this stage, girls associate blood with pain and injury. "Tell her it's a positive change, so she's not afraid of it," Hutcherson suggests. Help her understand that menstruation signals that her body is functioning normally.

Now is also a good time to start preparing girls for the attention they might receive from older males. "You're not worded about a 9-year-old calling up a male classmate, but you might be concerned about an older boy finding her attractive," Hutcherson says. She strongly advises that we teach our girls to watch out for untoward gestures and touches and to tell us if such a situation occurs. "Let the girl know that her body belongs to her," Hutcherson says firmly. "It's not appropriate for a boy, uncle or a father to manipulate her body." She doesn't have to hug or kiss even a relative if she doesn't want to.

The Mind-Body Gap

One of the most trying aspects of early puberty--trying for both parent and child is the gap between a girl's physical development and her psychological development. For a young girl, having a well-developed body can raise the stakes at a time when rebellion is becoming the norm. A teenage girl, who has the physical equipment but not the emotional maturity, can turn to sex to prove her independence, often with disastrous results.

Goldstein advises that parents, grandparents or other primary caregivers acknowledge their girl's conflicting feelings while teaching self-control, providing her with honest, straightforward information and setting realistic boundaries. "You can't tell a teenager that it's inappropriate to kiss a boy," he says. "That approach will backfire."

Birds, Bees and STDs

The fact is, one day your girl will have to make a decision about whether or not to have sex. Before her sexual hormones kick in at puberty, she needs to hear from a trusted adult about the consequences of becoming sexually active. It's up to you to make sure she has all the information she needs about how to protect herself from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), unwanted pregnancies and emotional harm.

The stakes are agonizingly high. The risk of STDs to young girls is even greater than it is for older women because their bodies don't yet produce sufficient amounts of the estrogen that gives the vagina some resistance to bacteria. As a result, the younger a girl is when she becomes sexually active, the more likely she is to contract a sexually transmitted infection. But we can help keep girls safe: According to a study in the American Journal of Public Health, girls whose mothers talked to them about the benefits of condoms before their first sexual encounter were three times as likely to use them when they became sexually active.

Let your girl know that you are open and available to her, and she can come to you with any questions. (It helps if you've kept open lines of communication all along.) "Teens may not say much," Hutcherson observes, "but they are often relieved that their mothers want to talk about sex." Try these tips to get the conversation started:

Get the facts before you speak. Read all you can about sexual development and STDs before you approach your daughter. Planned Parenthood Federation of America, Inc., provides objective and free sexual-health information. Jot down what you want to discuss and practice saying it.

Talk with the doc. Ask your OB-GYN or your child's pediatrician for tips. You can give your child a feeling of growing independence by allowing her to have a private doctor-daughter discussion. Agree with your doctor beforehand how much wisdom to share with your girl.

Don't judge. Approach the conversation "with love, not anger," advises Hutcherson. And to avoid making your daughter defensive, it's a good idea to preface your talk with, "If and when you become sexually active...."

Be willing to hear your child. If your teen tells you she has decided to have sex, know that you may express disagreement with her choice, but you can't stop her if she's truly made up her mind. It is now your role to make sure she stays sexually healthy by giving her sound options for birth control.

"You need to talk to her and teach her, even if it seems she's not listening," says Hutcherson. Not giving your child the right information about condoms--and supporting her use of them--opens the door to the sometimes fatal risks associated with careless sexual behavior. Hutcherson adds that if you suspect, or know, that your child is already sexually active, suggest an appointment with an OB-GYN or a pediatrician who sees adolescents. Your daughter might be able to ask an outside professional what she can't yet bring herself to ask you.

She has an STD. Now what? Get her medical help at once. And let her know you're there for her. This is probably not the time to lecture her about protection, so choose your words carefully. Then when the time feels right, speak with her about her choices and their consequences.

If you and that young girl you care so much about can ultimately create an honest, compassionate and ongoing exchange, chances are she will learn to explore her sexuality in ways that ensure a healthier, more responsible and emotionally satisfying sexual future.


GUIDING GIRLS

Consider these additional ways to give our daughters smart advice and support:

* Enroll your daughter in a rites of passage program through your place of worship or another organization. These programs help make a girl's journey into womanhood a memorable event while providing a healthy environment in which girls can discuss their changing bodies and relationships and explore other topics of interest to girls at this age.

* Monitor the media. That includes Internet sites, newspapers, magazines and television and radio programs to which your child is exposed. Talk to her about what she is seeing, hearing and reading.

Books

* Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens--From Middle School to College (Newmarket Press, $24.95) by Debra W. Haffner, M.P.H., and Alyssa Haffner Tartaglione

* What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex (Penguin USA, $27.95) by Hilda Hutcherson, M.D.

* Finding Our Way: The Teen Girls' Survival Book (HarperPerennial, $14) by Allison Abner and Linda Villarosa

* The What's Happening to My Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-up Guide for Parents and Daughters (Newmarket Press, $12.95) by Lynda Madaras with Area Madaras

* My Body, My Self for Girls: The What's Happening to My Body Workbook (Newmarket Press, $12.95) by Lynda Madaras and Area Madaras

* Before She Gets Her Period: Talking With Your Daughter About Menstruation (Perspective Publishing, Inc., $13.95) by Jessica B. Gillooly

* The Period Book: Everything You Don't Want to Ask (But Need to Know) (Walker & Co., $8.95) by Karen Gravelle and Jennifer Gravelle

Web Sites

* American Academy of Pediatrics http://www.aap.org/

* Planned Parenthood Federation of America, Inc. http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

* Vagisil Women's Health Center http://www.vagisil.com/

Abstinence--The Safest Sex

Advocates of abstinence point out that it's still the only sure way to prevent pregnancy and the transmission of such STDs as HIV or gonorrhea. They say that young people who choose not to have sex are also freed of the "emotional hangover" that intercourse can cause in even the most sexually liberated adult. Victoria Sloan, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and co-founder with her siblings of Flo's Kids Inc. in Houston, a spiritually based seminar series, advocates abstinence until marriage. The Black Church Initiative, a part of the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice, teaches how to broach the conversation about teen sexuality with young adults. To learn more about this program, call (202) 628-7700.

Say What?

KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS--AND SOME OF IT CATCHES US OFF GUARD

Here's some basic advice: First of all, don't freak out when your child asks you a sex-related question. Don't feel you have to be graphic (a simple basic answer will often do) and always use the correct terminology. "It's okay for a 4-year-old to say vagina," says Cheryl Doyle, M.D., associate director of pediatrics at Woodhull Medical and Mental Health Center in Brooklyn. "They know where the nose is, they know where the ears are, and they should know what their vagina is."

Here is what you might reply when your child says:

"Mommy, that's bootylicious!"

"Bootylicious! Now you tell me what that means." Anne Beal, M.D., a pediatrician and pediatrics instructor at Harvard Medical School, suggests that you use the discussion as an opportunity to help your daughter understand how it can be a good thing to define herself differently from the images she sees in the media.

"Mommy, Joseph called me a ho. What's a ho?"

"First of all, shame on Lamar. That's not a name anyone should ever call a friend or a girl he likes or respects. Ho puts down women like the word nigger puts down Black folks. Ho is actually street slang for whore, and if we look up w-h-o-r-e in the dictionary, it says a whore is a `woman who engages in sexual acts for money; a promiscuous or immoral woman.' Promiscuous means having sex with just about anybody or everybody. And immoral means unacceptable in the eyes of God or society. Do you think any of these definitions have anything to do with who you are and how you act? I bet Lamar didn't even know what he was saying, but if he or anyone ever calls you that again, you tell them you'll never answer to that ugly name because you deserve more respect. Then come tell me."

"Mommy, what's oral sex?"

Hilda Hutcherson, co-director of the New York Center for Human Sexuality at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center, says when her young son asked her to explain the term he heard during the Clinton-Lewinsky sex scandal, she didn't mince words: "I said that sometimes people will find pleasure in putting their mouths on other people's private parts." She adds, "I told him that it's an adult activity." Gently but clearly explain to your child that oral sex is not something anyone should do to her or have her do. And if you're talking to an older child, explain that oral sex has risks: Experts are finding an increased number of cases of gonorrhea of the mouth and of oral herpes.

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2021, December 21). Talking to Our Girls About Sex, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/teen-sex/talking-to-our-girls-about-sex

Last Updated: March 26, 2022

How Abusive Relationships Cause Anxiety

Abusive relationships cause significant anxiety. Learn about the causes and effects and discover ways to reduce anxiety from abusive relationships.

Abusive relationships cause anxiety. In abusive relationships, one partner chooses to be cruel and demoralizing some or most of the time. This violates three of the five basic human needs described by psychologist Abraham Maslow in the 1940s: safety, love and belonging, and esteem. When basic human needs aren’t met, psychological problems arise. In the case of abusive relationships, one prominent problem is anxiety.

Many people who are or have been in an abusive relationship develop significant life-limiting anxiety. It can develop during the abusive relationship while the abuse is happening, or anxiety can begin after the abuse is over, either immediately or down the road.

What happens in an abusive relationship that causes anxiety? Let’s take a look, and then we’ll explore how to reduce anxiety caused by abuse.

How an Abusive Relationship Causes Anxiety

Abusers use a variety of means to reach their endgame—a complete takeover of the person the abusive partner is supposed to love for who they are. This violation of what a relationship between two equal partners should be is one of the causes of anxiety in toxic relationships. When the rules change at the hand of just one partner, it creates an uneven playing field that is confusing, frustrating and anxiety-provoking to play on.

Abuse can be physical, psychological, verbal, emotional, sexual, and/or financial. Each one is a variation on a theme: the abuser becomes their partner’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Controlling from the outside isn’t good enough for abusers. They need to assume complete ownership of their partner: mind, body, and spirit.

Abuse goes beyond possessiveness to complete and total possession. This drive for ownership fuels abusive behavior, which can involve actions like:

  • Excessive, rigid control
  • Insults
  • Derogatory comments about family and friends
  • Isolation plus blame for “driving people away”
  • Anger
  • Threats
  • Ridicule
  • Ignoring
  • Blame
  • Yelling
  • Gaslighting
  • Physical harm

Anxiety and Abusive Relationships: What It’s Like

In an abusive relationship, anxiety comes from many places. As mentioned above, the denial of basic human needs leads to anxiety. The effects of the abuse itself leads to inner experiences that cause or relate to anxiety:

  • Fear
  • Excessive worry
  • Anticipation of what will happen next
  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Paranoia
  • Obsessive thoughts
  • Confusion
  • Dissonance (inner conflict, such as what arises from a mix of fondness for and fear of the abuser)
  • Isolation
  • Critical inner voice turns a person against themselves
  • Self-doubt
  • Low self-esteem
  • Worry about whether people know and what they think
  • If kids are in the picture, worry about modeling (what kind of parent am I to let them see this?)
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Nightmares that cause anxiety upon waking
  • Constantly walking on eggshells
  • Pounding heart, like in an anxiety- or panic attack
  • Muscle tension
  • Digestive problems

Abusers themselves also create anxiety:

  • Their very presence or even sound of their voice or footsteps can instill fear
  • Inconsistent behavior (loving that turns merciless and back) makes their partner anxious in anticipation of what to expect; further, it contributes to guilt, fueling more anxiety, for continuing to love aspects of the abusive partner
  • Thoughts of the abuser can cause people to be nervous, on-edge, and jumpy


Helping Anxiety Caused by Abusive Relationships

Addressing the myriad causes, symptoms, and effects will drastically reduce the anxiety that comes from being in an abusive relationship. Given the complexity of abuse and anxiety, there are no quick fixes for doing so. The trade-off for patience and time is overcoming anxiety, moving past the traps set by the abuser, and creating yourself anew.

A big part of reducing anxiety after an unhealthy relationship ends is to explore and rebuild your sense of self. People who have been abused frequently report feeling that they’ve lost themselves. It worries them, but they don’t know where to look to find themselves—or even who they’re looking for.

Think of the process of self-discovery as a fun, positive adventure. It’s something that, finally, you get to choose. You decide who you are. Some tips for the journey:

  • Form a support group of family and/or friends
  • Gradually begin to socialize; consider joining a class, club, or gym to meet people with similar interests
  • Volunteer in your community in ways that mean something to you
  • Create rituals that encourage self-care: set aside a dedicated time and place in your home for listening to relaxing music, sipping tea, breathing deeply, and practicing mindfulness meditation
  • Attend a support group for people who have been in abusive relationships
  • Go to therapy, as anxiety from abusive relationships is difficult to process and overcome by yourself

Abusive relationships cause anxiety in many ways. It’s a terrible experience to go through, but the abuse and anxiety won’t haunt you forever. With help and support from others plus action on your part, you can re-discover yourself, thrive, and live a quality life.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2021, December 21). How Abusive Relationships Cause Anxiety, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/relationships/how-abusive-relationships-cause-anxiety

Last Updated: January 6, 2022

Walls of Repression - Psychology of Compartmentalizing Sex

By compartmentalizing their sexuality, men often lose control in dangerous ways

President Clinton wags his finger, looks America in the eye, and announces, "I did not have sex with that woman." George Michael wags another part of his anatomy and discovers just how public a park restroom can be. Capt. Rich Merritt commands 90 marines and makes gay porn videos on the side.

These three men and others like them lead tightly controlled, highly disciplined lives. At the same time, they act out sexually in career-threatening, dangerous ways. What's going on here?

Compartmentalization, for one thing. That's the psychological term for placing several different aspects of one's life in separate baskets and believing they can remain apart forever. However, when it comes to sex, some experts believe the issue goes beyond compartments to walls: Some men erect high barriers in a subconscious attempt to isolate parts of their lives. As the president, the entertainer, and the Marine Corps commander show, it seldom works.

According to Isadora Alman, a board-certified sexologist who writes the syndicated newsweekly column Ask Isadora, there are three ways to act on sexual feelings: expression, suppression, or repression. The first method is straightforward; the second may cause a person to think, I'll have that sex or make those films when it's less dangerous; the third--repression--is the reason televangelists sermonize against sin moments before hiring prostitutes. The more driven a man is in his professional life, Alman says, the more likely he is to repress sexual feelings.

Michael Shernoff, a New York City psychotherapist, has as clients powerful men who spend their workdays controlling other people. Their fantasy, he says, is to not be in control. "That's not necessarily pathology," Shernoff points out. "People have a variety of needs that may not be met. And it's not necessarily a homosexual issue either. Isn't one of the glories of sex--for all of us--to lose control, moan and scream, and maybe even wet the bed?"

American men, Shernoff adds, are often afraid of passion and losing control. "Well, a healthy loss of control can be freeing and spiritual," he says. "The problem comes when people lose control in dangerous ways, like having an affair with Monica Lewinsky the same time the Paula Jones case was hanging over Clinton's head." In Merritt's case, the discovery of his video career when he was in the Marines would almost certainly have resulted in a court-martial.

Although the president has proved that compartmentalization, building walls, and risky behavior are not necessarily gay issues, they do affect many gay men, says New York City psychotherapist Douglas Nissing. "It's the way many gay men survive," he explains. "As we grow up in unsafe spaces, we learn to cut ourselves off from our personalities. We put certain feelings in one box, others in another. This disintegration leads to sexual behavior that is so cut off from the rest of our lives that the consequences are not a cause for concern or even pause."

"People wall off part of their life because there's stigma or shame attached to it," adds Betty Berzon, a Los Angeles psychotherapist and author of Setting Them Straight: You Can Do Something About Bigotry and Homophobia in Your Life. "And the price is higher for gays. People can admit having affairs and illegitimate kids or drinking problems, but being gay is still a problem for many Americans."

The tendency to wall off parts of one's life appears to be more common among men than women. "Although I don't have a lot of experience working with lesbians around this issue," Nissing says, "my hunch is that women have a greater breadth of expression of their sexuality in general, so hiding-or walling off--one's sexuality has less impact on women than on men."

Also, gay men who are open about their sexuality are less apt to compartmentalize their lives than those who are closeted, experts say. "If you're out, you are more accountable about your life and your sexual activities than if you're in," Nissing says. "If you're in a relationship and everyone knows it, you're less prone to act out."

The closet takes many forms, points out Michael Cohen, a psychotherapist in Hartford, Conn. "If you hide your sexual orientation or your fantasies or emotional needs, then that repression will leak out in other parts of your life," he says. "For some people, it's expressed as anonymous sex in a rest stop or video store; for others, it's unsafe sex when you know better or even depression."

If the problem is "disintegration," then the solution is "integration." Berzon says, "It's important to be integrated in all parts of your life. I see patients who say that being gay isn't a problem, but then I find out they aren't out to their families, so it's clear they still are not fully integrated."

As a therapist, Nissing tries to help people understand their sexuality so they can "reintegrate their idea of what it means to have intimate social, emotional, and sexual relationships with whomever they choose."

For example, he says, "if George Michael walked into my office, I'd try to help him understand why he felt he had to hide his sexuality. I'm not saying that judgmentally--as a famous person, he probably had good reasons--but the goal would be to get him to understand his behavior so he wouldn't have to meet partners in a public rest room."

As for Merritt, Shernoff would want him to understand the motives behind making porn films while being a Marine Corps commander. Perhaps, Shernoff thinks, Merritt was saying, "I've had enough of this double life. I'm ready to get busted and move on."

Merritt is hardly the first powerful, in-control man to take sexual risks. But for all of those who do, experts say, the outcome is inevitable. Compartments and walls must come tumbling down.

Walled off

Therapists say men who are driven professionally--like President Clinton, entertainer George Michael, and retired Marine captain Rich Merritt--are more likely to compartmentalize their sexual feelings.

by Dan Woog, author of Friends and Family

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2021, December 21). Walls of Repression - Psychology of Compartmentalizing Sex, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/articles/psychology-of-compartmentalizing-sex

Last Updated: March 26, 2022

The Opposite Sex

Talking openly about sex differences is no longer an exercise in political incorrectness; it is a necessity in fighting disease and forging successful relationships

Get out the spittoon. Men produce twice as much saliva as women. Women, for their part, learn to speak earlier, know more words, recall them better, pause less and glide through tongue twisters.

Put aside Simone de Beauvoir's famous dictum, "One is not born a woman but rather becomes one." Science suggests otherwise, and it's driving a whole new view of who and what we are. Males and females, it turns out, are different from the moment of conception, and the difference shows itself in every system of body and brain.

It's safe to talk about sex differences again. Of course, it's the oldest story in the world. And the newest. But for a while it was also the most treacherous. Now it may be the most urgent. The next stage of progress against disorders as disabling as depression and heart disease rests on cracking the binary code of biology. Most common conditions are marked by pronounced gender differences in incidence or appearance.

Although sex differences in brain and body take their inspiration from the central agenda of reproduction, they don't end there. "We've practiced medicine as though only a woman's breasts, uterus and ovaries made her unique--and as though her heart, brain and every other part of her body were identical to those of a man," says Marianne J. Legato, M.D., a cardiologist at Columbia University who spearheads the new push on gender differences. Legato notes that women live longer but break down more.

Do we need to explain that difference doesn't imply superiority or inferiority? Although sex differences may provide ammunition for David Letterman or the Simpsons, they unfold in the most private recesses of our lives, surreptitiously molding our responses to everything from stress to space to speech. Yet there are some ways the sexes are becoming more alike--they are now both engaging in the same kind of infidelity, one that is equally threatening to their marriages.

Everyone gains from the new imperative to explore sex differences. When we know why depression favors women two to one, or why the symptoms of heart disease literally hit women in the gut, it will change our understanding of how our bodies and our minds work.

The Gene Scene

Whatever sets men and women apart, it all starts with a single chromosome: the male-making Y, a puny thread bearing a paltry 25 genes, compared with the lavish female X, studded with 1,000 to 1,500 genes. But the Y guy trumps. He has a gene dubbed Sry, which, if all goes well, instigates an Olympic relay of development. It commands primitive fetal tissue to become testes, and they then spread word of masculinity out to the provinces via their chief product, testosterone. The circulating hormone not only masculinizes the body but affects the developing brain, influencing the size of specific structures and the wiring of nerve cells.

But sex genes themselves don't cede everything to hormones. Over the past few years, scientists have come to believe that they too play ongoing roles in gender-flavoring the brain and behavior.

Females, it turns out, appear to have backup genes that protect their brains from big trouble. To level the genetic playing field between men and women, nature normally shuts off one of the two X chromosomes in every cell in females. But about 19 percent of genes escape inactivation; cells get a double dose of some X genes. Having fall-back genes may explain why females are far less subject than males to mental disorders from autism to schizophrenia.

What's more, which X gene of a pair is inactivated makes a difference in the way female and male brains respond to things, says neurophysiologist Arthur P. Arnold, Ph.D., of the University of California at Los Angeles. In some cases, the X gene donated by Dad is nullified; in other cases it's the X from Mom. The parent from whom a woman gets her working genes determines how robust her genes are. Paternal genes ramp up the genetic volume, maternal genes tune it down. This is known as genomic imprinting of the chromosome.

For many functions, it doesn't matter which sex genes you have or from whom you get them. But the Y chromosome itself spurs the brain to grow extra dopamine neurons, Arnold says. These nerve cells are involved in reward and motivation, and dopamine release underlies the pleasure of addiction and novelty seeking. Dopamine neurons also affect motor skills and go awry in Parkinson's disease, a disorder that afflicts twice as many males as females.

XY makeup also boosts the density of vasopressin fibers in the brain. Vasopressin is a hormone that both abets and minimizes sex differences; in some circuits it fosters parental behavior in males; in others it may spur aggression.

Sex on the Brain

Ruben Gur, Ph.D., always wanted to do the kind of psychological research that when he found something new, no one could say his grandmother already knew it. Well, "My grandmother couldn't tell you that women have a higher percentage of gray matter in their brains," he says. Nor could she explain how that discovery resolves a long-standing puzzle.

Gur's discovery that females have about 15 to 20 percent more gray matter than males suddenly made sense of another major sex difference: Men, overall, have larger brains than women (their heads and bodies are larger), but the sexes score equally well on tests of intelligence.

Gray matter, made up of the bodies of nerve cells and their connecting dendrites, is where the brain's heavy lifting is done. The female brain is more densely packed with neurons and dendrites, providing concentrated processing power--and more thought-linking capability.

The larger male cranium is filled with more white matter and cerebrospinal fluid. "That fluid is probably helpful," says Gur, director of the Brain Behavior Laboratory at the University of Pennsylvania. "It cushions the brain, and men are more likely to get their heads banged about."

White matter, made of the long arms of neurons encased in a protective film of fat, helps distribute processing throughout the brain. It gives males superiority at spatial reasoning. White matter also carries fibers that inhibit "information spread" in the cortex. That allows a single-mindedness that spatial problems require, especially difficult ones. The harder a spatial task, Gur finds, the more circumscribed the right-sided brain activation in males, but not in females. The white matter advantage of males, he believes, suppresses activation of areas that could interfere with work.

The white matter in women's brains is concentrated in the corpus callosum, which links the brain's hemispheres, and enables the right side of the brain to pitch in on language tasks. The more difficult the verbal task, the more global the neural participation required--a response that's stronger in females.

Women have another heady advantage--faster blood flow to the brain, which offsets the cognitive effects of aging. Men lose more brain tissue with age, especially in the left frontal cortex, the part of the brain that thinks about consequences and provides self-control.

"You can see the tissue loss by age 45, and that may explain why midlife crisis is harder on men," says Gur. "Men have the same impulses but they lose the ability to consider long-term consequences." Now, there's a fact someone's grandmother may have figured out already.

Minds of Their Own

The difference between the sexes may boil down to this: dividing the tasks of processing experience. Male and female minds are innately drawn to different aspects of the world around them. And there's new evidence that testosterone may be calling some surprising shots.

Women's perceptual skills are oriented to quick--call it intuitive--people reading. Females are gifted at detecting the feelings and thoughts of others, inferring intentions, absorbing contextual clues and responding in emotionally appropriate ways. They empathize. Tuned to others, they more readily see alternate sides of an argument. Such empathy fosters communication and primes females for attachment.

Women, in other words, seem to be hard-wired for a top-down, big-picture take. Men might be programmed to look at things from the bottom up (no surprise there).

Men focus first on minute detail, and operate most easily with a certain detachment. They construct rules-based analyses of the natural world, inanimate objects and events. In the coinage of Cambridge University psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen, Ph.D., they systemize.

The superiority of males at spatial cognition and females' talent for language probably subserve the more basic difference of systemizing versus empathizing. The two mental styles manifest in the toys kids prefer (humanlike dolls versus mechanical trucks); verbal impatience in males (ordering rather than negotiating); and navigation (women personalize space by finding landmarks; men see a geometric system, taking directional cues in the layout of routes).

Almost everyone has some mix of both types of skills, although males and females differ in the degree to which one set predominates, contends Baron-Cohen. In his work as director of Cambridge's Autism Research Centre, he finds that children and adults with autism, and its less severe variant Asperger syndrome, are unusual in both dimensions of perception. Its victims are "mindblind," unable to recognize people's feelings. They also have a peculiar talent for systemizing, obsessively focusing on, say, light switches or sink faucets.

Autism overwhelmingly strikes males; the ratio is ten to one for Asperger. In his new book, The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain, Baron-Cohen argues that autism is a magnifying mirror of maleness.

The brain basis of empathizing and systemizing is not well understood, although there seems to be a "social brain," nerve circuitry dedicated to person perception. Its key components lie on the left side of the brain, along with language centers generally more developed in females.

Baron-Cohen's work supports a view that neuroscientists have flirted with for years: Early in development, the male hormone testosterone slows the growth of the brain's left hemisphere and accelerates growth of the right.

Testosterone may even have a profound influence on eye contact. Baron-Cohen's team filmed year-old children at play and measured the amount of eye contact they made with their mothers, all of whom had undergone amniocentesis during pregnancy. The researchers looked at various social factors--birth order, parental education, among others--as well as the level of testosterone the child had been exposed to in fetal life.

Baron-Cohen was "bowled over" by the results. The more testosterone the children had been exposed to in the womb, the less able they were to make eye contact at 1 year of age. "Who would have thought that a behavior like eye contact, which is so intrinsically social, could be in part shaped by a biological factor?" he asks. What's more, the testosterone level during fetal life also influenced language skills. The higher the prenatal testosterone level, the smaller a child's vocabulary at 18 months and again at 24 months.

Lack of eye contact and poor language aptitude are early hallmarks of autism. "Being strongly attracted to systems, together with a lack of empathy, may be the core characteristics of individuals on the autistic spectrum," says Baron-Cohen. "Maybe testosterone does more than affect spatial ability and language. Maybe it also affects social ability." And perhaps autism represents an "extreme form" of the male brain.

Depression: Pink--and Blue, Blue, Blue

This year, 19 million Americans will suffer a serious depression. Two out of three will be female. Over the course of their lives, 21.3 percent of women and 12.7 percent of men experience at least one bout of major depression.

The female preponderance in depression is virtually universal. And it's specific to unipolar depression. Males and females suffer equally from bipolar, or manic, depression. However, once depression occurs, the clinical course is identical in men and women.

The gender difference in susceptibility to depression emerges at 13. Before that age, boys, if anything, are a bit more likely than girls to be depressed. The gender difference seems to wind down four decades later, making depression mostly a disorder of women in the child-bearing years.

As director of the Virginia Institute for Psychiatric and Behavioral Genetics at Virginia Commonwealth University, Kenneth S. Kendler, M.D., presides over "the best natural experiment that God has given us to study gender differences"--thousands of pairs of opposite-sex twins. He finds a significant difference between men and women in their response to low levels of adversity. He says, "Women have the capacity to be precipitated into depressive episodes at lower levels of stress."

Adding injury to insult, women's bodies respond to stress differently than do men's. They pour out higher levels of stress hormones and fail to shut off production readily. The female sex hormone progesterone blocks the normal ability of the stress hormone system to turn itself off. Sustained exposure to stress hormones kills brain cells, especially in the hippocampus, which is crucial to memory.

It's bad enough that females are set up biologically to internally amplify their negative life experiences. They are prone to it psychologically as well, finds University of Michigan psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D.

Women ruminate over upsetting situations, going over and over negative thoughts and feelings, especially if they have to do with relationships. Too often they get caught in downward spirals of hopelessness and despair.

It's entirely possible that women are biologically primed to be highly sensitive to relationships. Eons ago it might have helped alert them to the possibility of abandonment while they were busy raising the children. Today, however, there's a clear downside. Ruminators are unpleasant to be around, with their oversize need for reassurance. Of course, men have their own ways of inadvertently fending off people. As pronounced as the female tilt to depression is the male excess of alcoholism, drug abuse and antisocial behaviors.

The Incredible Shrinking Double Standard

Nothing unites men and women better than sex. Yet nothing divides us more either. Males and females differ most in mating psychology because our minds are shaped by and for our reproductive mandates. That sets up men for sex on the side and a more casual attitude toward it.

Twenty-five percent of wives and 44 percent of husbands have had extramarital intercourse, reports Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, Ph.D. Traditionally for men, love is one thing and sex is ... well, sex.

In what may be a shift of epic proportions, sexual infidelity is mutating before our very eyes. Increasingly, men as well as women are forming deep emotional attachments before they even slip into an extramarital bed together. It often happens as they work long hours together in the office.

"The sex differences in infidelity are disappearing," says Glass, the doyenne of infidelity research. "In my original 1980 study, there was a high proportion of men who had intercourse with almost no emotional involvement at all--nonrelational sex. Today, more men are getting emotionally involved."

One consequence of the growing parity in affairs is greater devastation of the betrayed spouse. The old-style strictly sexual affair never impacted men's marital satisfaction. "You could be in a good marriage and still cheat," reports Glass.

Liaisons born of the new infidelity are much more disruptive--much more likely to end in divorce. "You can move away from just a sexual relationship but it's very difficult to break an attachment," says Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D. "The betrayed partner can probably provide more exciting sex but not a different kind of friendship."

It's not that today's adulterers start out unhappy or looking for love. Says Glass: "The work relationship becomes so rich and the stuff at home is pressurized and child-centered. People get involved insidiously without planning to betray."

Any way it happens, the combined sexual-emotional affair delivers a fatal blow not just to marriages but to the traditional male code. "The double standard for adultery is disappearing," Fisher emphasizes. "It's been around for 5,000 years and it's changing in our lifetime. It's quite striking. Men used to feel that they had the right. They don't feel that anymore."

LEARN MORE ABOUT IT:

Eve's Rib: The New Science of Gender-Specific Medicine and How It Can Save Your Life. Marianne J. Legato, M.D. (Harmony Books, 2002).

Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal. Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. (The Free Press, 2003).

Male, Female: The Evolution of Human Sex Differences. David C. Geary, Ph.D. (American Psychological Association, 1998).

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2021, December 21). The Opposite Sex, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/articles/the-opposite-sex

Last Updated: March 26, 2022

Need Self-Help for Stress? Try These Tips

self help stress healthyplaceIf you’re human, chances are you need self-help for stress. Stress is universally experienced, and sometimes it skyrockets. Self-help strategies work wonders for managing and reducing stress. The following tips can help you take back your life; give them a try, and use the approaches that work for you.

Before diving into strategies to reduce stress and anxiety, two important pieces of information need mentioning.

  • Symptoms of anxiety and stress can mimic other physical health conditions, and stress can contribute to the creation of health problems like high blood pressure (read about The Difference Between Anxiety and Stress). It’s important to talk with your doctor about your symptoms to rule out any underlying problem.
  • The below tips have been proven to be effective (not all are effective for everyone, but everyone can benefit from some of them); however, in addition to these self-help techniques, it’s important to identify what is contributing to your stress so you can address and even eliminate it.

You have within you the power to reduce your stress and anxiety and create the quality life you want to live. These self-help tips for stress will help you help yourself thrive.

Self-Help for Stress: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

One of the most important factors in managing and reducing both stress and anxiety is your perspective, your outlook. If you are stuck in stress, focused mainly on the difficulties it brings to your life and wanting it to be gone, your focus is on your stress; therefore, it will be difficult to get it out of your life. If, however, you shift your attention to what you want rather than what you don’t want, you free yourself to benefit from self-help for stress and anxiety.

A healing approach used by therapists, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), is a very useful self-help technique because its principles are user-friendly and, once learned, easy to apply to life and keep stress at bay. ACT has just six major principles, and they all work together to help with anxiety and stress.

  • Defusion: distance yourself from your stressors so you are no longer stuck to them.
  • Acceptance: rather than fighting against things that can’t be changed, accept their presence so you can move forward in spite of them.
  • Be present, also known as mindfulness: live in the moment, concentrating on the here-and-now rather than on stressors and worries.
  • Observe yourself: Rather than berating yourself harshly, become aware of your thoughts and merely observe, or notice them, allowing them to float away.
  • Know your values: determine what is important to you, and place your attention there rather than on anxiety and stress.
  • Take committed action: with the above strategies, you have room to take steps to make your life one of quality rather than one where you’re stuck in stress and anxiety.

The above self-help strategies from ACT empower you to rethink yourself and your stress and anxiety. Other strategies, discussed below, that provide help with anxiety and stress are effective in releasing frustration or inducing a sense of calm, both very important in stress management.

Self-Help for Stress and Anxiety: Exercise

Exercise has so many benefits that it makes sense to include it in your collection of self-help strategies. Exercising in a way that is enjoyable for you for approximately 20 minutes a day, three- to five days a week helps stress and anxiety in many ways, among them

  • decreased muscle tension and the sense of being uptight and keyed-up,
  • release of pent-up frustration,
  • increased oxygen to the brain to improve concentration,
  • increased acidity of the blood to increase energy,
  • release of endorphins which increases the sense of wellbeing,
  • speeds metabolism of excess adrenaline (epinephrine) to decrease the body’s state of arousal,
  • improved sleep,
  • decreased dependence on substances used to keep anxiety and stress in check,
  • increased sense of control over stress and anxiety because taking action is powerful.

More Help with Stress

Self-help for stress comes in many forms. The following list contains some examples of other things you can do to help yourself reduce stress.

  • Engage in relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation.
  • Use mind-body practices such as yoga, deep breathing exercises, and mindfulness meditation for anxiety.
  • Treating yourself to things that bring you happiness.
  • Get enough sleep.
  • Move. Going for a short, brisk walk, tacking something on your to-do list, jogging in place—anything that motivates you and helps you feel accomplished is an excellent self-help technique for stress.
  • Limit caffeine.
  • Consider herbal remedies, as they can reduce stress in the short-term and restore balance in the long-term.

Self-help for stress works. The key is finding the right combination of strategies and techniques that work for you and your own stress and anxiety. Try these self-help techniques. Overall, self-help strategies can truly reduce stress and anxiety.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2021, December 21). Need Self-Help for Stress? Try These Tips, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/anxiety/need-self-help-for-stress-try-these-tips

Last Updated: January 6, 2022

How to Develop Relationships When You Have Social Anxiety

When you have social anxiety, relationships are a challenge. Get concrete ideas for developing and maintaining relationships when you have social anxiety.

Developing relationships when you have social anxiety is no easy feat. A significant part of social anxiety involves fears and worries regarding forming, nurturing, enjoying, and keeping relationships. Sometimes, people assume that someone with social anxiety doesn’t want to be part of a relationship. However, this isn’t the case at all. If the person didn’t want a relationship, they wouldn’t experience anxiety about relationships. Often, the desire is there, but it’s difficult to fulfill. Happily, people can and do overcome these problems. Developing relationships when you have social anxiety is entirely possible and within your reach.

Social Anxiety and Relationships: Barriers to Quality Bonding

Anxiety is an experience that encompasses thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. All three areas block someone’s ability to form and nurture relationships. Social anxiety and relationship problems involve things like:

  • Fear of intimacy, judgment, and embarrassment
  • Deflecting personal questions
  • Avoidance of any and all conflict
  • Unwillingness or inability to express emotions
  • Dependency, clinginess
  • Alternately, withdrawing, isolating, acting aloof and uncaring
  • Thoughts involving imagined worries and worst-case scenarios
  • An avoidance of socializing, developing friendships with other couples

Every thought, emotion, and behavior in this partial list points to relationship problems created or exacerbated by social anxiety. This anxiety can occur in new relationships as well as established ones. The symptoms of relationship anxiety can be dire for both individuals: loneliness, lack of fun and enjoyment, and absence of intimacy. These aspects of social anxiety and relationships are connected to deeper issues.

Social Anxiety and Relationship Problems: The Heart of The Issues

Underlying all other problems social anxiety causes in relationships are three deeper issues that are the heart of relationship difficulties. They can cause uncomfortable and ineffective thoughts, feelings, and actions; in turn, those negative thoughts, feelings, and actions aggravate the root of the problem. The three core issues are

  • Trust
  • Support
  • Communication

People with social anxiety have difficulty trusting others. When distrust extends to a romantic partner, it forms a huge hurdle that must be jumped to create a healthy, close relationship. Thoughts of inadequacy can lead someone to think their partner is cheating or even just unhappy and is making plans to leave. Often, someone with social anxiety won’t believe anything their partner says. This creates cold distance and squashes intimacy.

Social anxiety also causes people to perceive that their partner doesn’t love them enough to support them. As with trust, anxious overthinking convinces the person with anxiety that they’re alone in the relationship, unsupported.

Communication is one of the most important aspects in any relationship, but social anxiety severely limits or shuts down communication. Without meaningful, productive communication, a relationship withers.

One of the best ways to reduce social anxiety and relationship problems is to develop trust and communicate about support and other key issues in your relationship. That’s easier said than done, of course, but it is indeed possible. The following tips can show you how to develop relationships when you have social anxiety.

Develop Your Relationships When You Have Social Anxiety

Most people agree that the key to relationships is relationship satisfaction, that sense that both partners love, support, and trust each other and how well they communicate to work through problems positively. People with social anxiety, though, struggle with these areas. Social anxiety creates problems in relationships by interfering in the development of support, trust, and healthy communication.

Developing communication skills, including intimacy and sharing personal information will strengthen relationships. Communication that’s effective in overcoming anxiety includes:

  • Addressing a problem rather than criticizing each other
  • Discussing problems calmly and openly rather than with anger and derision
  • Remaining physically and mentally present in a conversation rather than withdrawing and bolting
  • Listening nonjudgmentally rather than making assumptions and jumping to conclusions

Developing these skills will increase understanding, solve problems constructively, and lead to greater intimacy and trust.

Professional therapy and self-help programs can help you increase relationship skills and reduce social anxiety. Cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) is useful in helping people identify, reduce, and replace anxious thoughts. Specific to relationships, CBT-R (the “R” stands for relationships) addresses problems in relationships. The focus is on helping people be more intimate and bond with each other. Both therapeutic approaches teach healthy communication.

Another approach, called interpersonal and emotional processing (I/EP) therapy allows people to explore current and past relationships to identify unhealthy patterns and replace them with more effective behaviors.

It takes time and practice, but you can develop relationships when you have social anxiety. Try this tip to begin today: Start writing little notes to each other. Leave them in a special box or in each other’s things. It’s a romantic way to communicate, give support, develop intimacy, all things that ultimately increase trust.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2021, December 21). How to Develop Relationships When You Have Social Anxiety, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/relationships/how-to-develop-relationships-when-you-have-social-anxiety

Last Updated: January 6, 2022

The Difference Between Anxiety and Stress

difference stress anxiety healthyplace

Anxiety and stress are often mistaken for the same experience. This is a misconception, however, as there is a clear difference between anxiety and stress.

Stress is our reaction to events that upset our physical and mental balance. Anxiety, on the other hand, is often considered to be a reaction to stress. Once anxiety revs up as a stress response, worry, fear, emotional and physical symptoms, and behaviors like hypervigilance or avoidance take over.

Another fundamental difference between stress and anxiety is cause. Stress typically has a discernable source. Someone can identify why they are stressed (Need Self Help for Stress? Try These Tips). While we know that anxiety is a reaction to stress, beyond that we don’t always know the root cause.

Everyone experiences stress, but not everyone experiences anxiety. Anxiety is an extreme reaction to stress that can be considered a disorder and is classified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, or the DSM-5 (American Psychological Association, 2013). Stress is not considered to be a disorder.

The Process of Stress and the Stress Response

When we’re under stress, systems in our body kick in to help us with a quick surge of energy to stay and “fight” or to get away in “flight”. The following physiological process occurs when we’re stressed and/or highly anxious (Balch, 2012):

  • The pituitary gland releases a hormone called adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH).
  • ACTH travels to the adrenal glands to prompt them to convert such things as cholesterol into cortisol.
  • Cortisol triggers changes in the body chemistry, stimulates the release of glucose in the liver, blocks the immune system from causing inflammation, and makes the red blood cells more likely to clot.
  • The adrenal glands also make and release adrenaline (epinephrine) to prepare the body to fight or flee.

Because of the fight-or-flight response, people can experience physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms such as difficulty thinking, concentrating and remembering. These reactions are part of both stress and anxiety.

An important difference between anxiety and stress is that anxiety persists after the stressor has been removed, and the response cycle initiated by ACTH doesn’t turn off. Stress eventually diminishes, whereas anxiety keeps going. In fact, for most anxiety disorders to be diagnosed, symptoms must be present for at least six months (American Psychological Association, 2013).

Factors That Turn Stress into Anxiety

Why does anxiety, a response to stress, continue in some people even when the original stress has lessened? Stress, anxiety, and people are all complex and multi-faceted, so there are no obvious or definitive answers. What researchers have discovered is that there are certain factors that impact the likelihood that anxiety will become life-inhibiting. These factors can include:

  • nature of the stressor (mild, moderate, severe, life-threatening, situational, etc.)
  • number of stressors faced at once
  • duration (the longer stress lasts, the greater the risk of it continuing as an anxiety disorder)
  • degree of control one has over his or her stressors (less control means more anxiety)
  • biological factors (genetics, condition of health)
  • presence of protective factors (the more protective factors in someone’s life, the more likely they are to reduce stress and address anxiety before it becomes problematic)

How to Handle Stress and Anxiety: Restoring Wellness

Stress and anxiety both disrupt our balance. To handle stress and anxiety and maintain a quality life, people need stability within themselves and in their world. Stress is very disruptive to mental health and wellbeing, so to prevent anxiety from taking over, it’s important to restore balance.

Cortisol, epinephrine, and ACTH disrupt normal functioning in our body. When they are present when not needed, they interfere in immune system functioning, elevate blood pressure as well as maintaining the clotting factor of red blood cells—increasing risk of heart disease or heart attack. We feel fatigued. And we are at risk for depression and anxiety disorders. We can restore physiological balance through proper diet and exercise as well as taking measures to reduce stressors in our lives (List of Foods That Help and Hurt Anxiety).

We all have protective factors that we can use to manage stress and anxiety. Examples of protective factors:

  • coping skills (breathing exercises, mindfulness, journaling, doing pleasurable activities, etc.);
  • increasing and drawing on social support systems like family, friends, coworkers, members of an organization or religious institution we belong to, and more;
  • attending to our outlook on life and becoming realistically optimistic rather than focusing on problems;
  • seeking purpose and meaning in our lives;
  • separating ourselves from our problems and stressors, also known as defusion;
  • accepting what we can’t change and taking steps to change what we can.

One final difference between anxiety and stress: stress is often about control over our present lives, whereas anxiety is about control of our future (Imparato, 2016). Use the above protective factors to enhance your control. There’s no difference here: you can empower yourself to overcome both stress and anxiety.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2021, December 21). The Difference Between Anxiety and Stress, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/anxiety/the-difference-between-anxiety-and-stress

Last Updated: January 6, 2022

Do Herbal Remedies for Anxiety Really Work?

herbal remedies anxiety really work healthyplace

Herbal remedies for anxiety are special plants, or botanicals, that have been shown to be psychotropic. Psychotropic herbs directly interact with our body chemistry so are used to treat various mental disorders, including anxiety. Some people prefer using herbal remedies to get rid of stress and anxiety over prescription anxiety medication, proclaiming that botanicals work just as well as synthetic medication. In determining if the use of plants is right for you, it’s helpful to learn if herbal anxiety remedies really work.

Effectiveness of Herbal Anxiety Remedies

Numerous studies on the effectiveness of herbal anxiety treatment have some consistent findings regarding the nature and efficacy of herbs (Are Herbs and Supplements for Anxiety Safe?).

  • With the exception of an herb known as kava, herbs are not as strong as prescription medication. Common tranquilizers such as Xanax and Klonopin are much stronger than botanicals.
  • Unlike their strong prescription counterparts, psychotropic herbs have few side effects.
  • Herbals are non-addictive.
  • Herbal remedies have been shown to be effective in treating mild- to moderate anxiety but not severe anxiety.
  • Herbs interact with body chemistry and thus work for the body’s physical symptoms of anxiety. However, they don’t address other aspects of anxiety such as external causes or behaviors. That said, by improving physical and some emotional symptoms of anxiety, botanicals do equip people to deal with other aspects of their anxiety that neither psychotropic herbs nor pharmaceuticals can directly treat.
  • As with every other treatment approach to anxiety, herbs work well for some people’s anxiety symptoms but don’t work at all for others. You might need to experiment over time to see whether or not herbal remedies help your anxiety.

Herbal Remedies Can Benefit Anxiety

Sometimes herbalists refer to botanicals as adaptogens. This captures well how herbal remedies work for anxiety. Certain psychotropic herbs help the body, including the brain and central nervous system adapt to anxiety, to the world, and to themselves.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that it helps people give in to anxiety and life stresses. Rather, adaptogens help create healthy, properly functioning bodies and brains so that they process information accurately, take charge of their emotional responses to situations, and act with confidence. Just like tuning a car helps it run well and for a long time, tuning your body systems, such as with herbal treatments for anxiety, can help you run well and for a long time and power you to tackle other life-limiting aspects of anxiety.

To benefit anxiety, herbal treatments also can

  • restore balance,
  • center thoughts,
  • soothe the body’s response to stress,
  • decrease the sense of worry and apprehension,
  • help us stop anticipating the worst,
  • decrease irritability
  • calm (depending on the herb)
  • energize (depending on the herb)

How to Use Herbal Remedies for Anxiety so They Work for You

If you look into psychotropic herbs, you may notice that they’re neither arranged nor designed like over-the-counter (OTC) medicines. With OTC medicine, you shop by symptom; if you have a headache, you seek and find medicines for headaches, but if you have allergies, you look for allergy medicine (not cold medicine, because that’s different altogether).

It’s different with herbs. Herbs share in common with homeopathic remedies the fact that each one does its own combination of things. For example, there might be several that have tranquilizing effects, several that reduce muscle tension, and one or two that do both, and another few who do both plus increase mental clarity. Additionally, each person reacts uniquely to a given herb. A tranquilizing herb might put one person to sleep but calm someone else just enough to be productive and focused. For these reasons, it is highly recommended to consult with a trained herbalist or naturopath before deciding on herbal remedies for anxiety.

Herbs are available in different forms, and an herbalist can help you determine which form will work best for you. They’re available as teas, extracts, tinctures, and capsules. Sometimes herbal treatments are made to be absorbed through the skin. Again, which type of herbal anxiety remedy to use is highly individualized, which makes a consultation with a professional wise and most effective.

List of Herbal Anxiety Remedies That Can Work

The following list of psychotropic herbs is meant to merely introduce some of the common herbs for anxiety you will likely encounter if you pursue herbal anxiety treatments. Both herbs and individuals are too complex for recommendations here. The following herbs have been shown to work in treating anxiety in many, but not all, individuals who have tried them.

  • lavender
  • chamomile
  • lemon balm
  • lemongrass
  • lemon verbena
  • rose petal
  • passionflower
  • ginseng
  • dried red clover
  • St. John’s Wort
  • ashwagandha
  • oats
  • avena
  • skullcap
  • verbena,
  • ginko biloba
  • gotu kola
  • catnip
  • bilberry
  • reishi
  • valerian
  • kava-kava (or just kava)
  • linden

Clearly, psychotropic herbs abound, and many treat anxiety. Whether or not they are effective is an individual matter. If selected and used with professional guidance, herbal remedies for anxiety can work.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2021, December 21). Do Herbal Remedies for Anxiety Really Work?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/anxiety/do-herbal-remedies-for-anxiety-really-work

Last Updated: January 6, 2022

Homeopathic Remedies for Anxiety that May Help You

homeopathic remedies anxiety healthyplace

Homeopathic remedies are among the numerous and varied treatment options for anxiety. Despite the fact that the field of homeopathy has been around for over 200 years, just what it is and who it can help remains a mystery to many. There are indeed homeopathic remedies for anxiety. Do they work, and are they right for you? While there isn’t an automatic answer to these questions, the following information can help you decide if you want to explore more and find homeopathic remedies for anxiety that may help you.

What are Homeopathic Remedies for Anxiety?

Homeopathic medication is an approach to making people well that uses natural medicine. The word “homeopathic” comes from roots meaning “same/similar” and “disease.” The idea behind homeopathy is that discovering a medicine that is similar to the whole person and his/her illness will effectively and quickly treat whatever it is that is ailing someone—including anxiety and anxiety disorders.

In concept, homeopathy is similar to the phrase “fighting fire with fire,” or to make a more medical comparison, to the vaccination process in which someone is injected with a small or weak amount of a disease in order to teach and strengthen the immune system to fight the given disease.

A doctor of homeopathy treats the whole person rather than his or her “disease.” Rather than listening to a patient’s anxiety symptoms and then prescribing pharmaceutical medication to treat those symptoms, a homeopath will visit with someone at length to learn things about his or her personality, activity level, experiences with anxiety, and more. Then, the doctor will recommend one homeopathic remedy for anxiety based on the unique make-up of the patient, his or her anxiety, and the underlying cause.

Helpful Information about Homeopathic Medicine for Anxiety

Because homeopathy is so highly individualized, there isn’t a certain remedy for generalized anxiety disorder or particular treatment for panic attacks, for example. The medicine is matched to the person rather than the anxiety. To be sure, a person’s experience with anxiety is what the homeopathic doctor is attempting to treat, so that anxiety is taken into consideration. It’s part of the picture, but not the entire picture by itself.

Other important things to know about homeopathic medicine for anxiety:

  • Homeopathic medicine is natural, which means it’s made from natural plant, mineral, or animal sources.
  • The natural sources from which medicine is derived are sometimes toxic; however, when the medicine is made, it undergoes a process of extreme dilution to render it safe (critics argue that the dilution is too great for the medicine to actually work).
  • It’s regulated by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA); however, there are producers of homeopathic medicines that manage to slip under the radar. If you purchase from an unknown source online, the safety or effectiveness of your product could be questionable. Buying from a homeopathic doctor will ensure that your natural anxiety medicine is regulated.

List of Homeopathic Remedies for Anxiety

This abbreviated list includes some of the most common natural treatments used for anxiety. Each of these is very specific in both what and how it helps, so selecting a natural medicine isn’t the same as choosing pain relievers from the grocery store shelf. If you decide to see a homeopathic doctor, you’ll likely hear about many of these anxiety medicines.

  • Aconite
  • Aconitum napellus
  • Anacardium
  • Argentum nitricum
  • Arsenic album
  • Borax
  • Bryonia
  • Causticum
  • Calcarea Carb
  • Gelsemium
  • Ignatia
  • Natrum muriaticum
  • Sulphur

Do Homeopathic Remedies for Anxiety Really Work?

Unfortunately, as of yet, there is no definitive answer to that question. Some traditional doctors, prescribing traditional pharmaceuticals, assert that homeopathy does not work and that any reports of success are mere coincidences. On the other side, some homeopathic doctors, prescribing natural medicines, staunchly support the efficacy of homeopathy and cite numerous examples of success.

Typically, what decides arguments like this, or at least tips them one way or the other, is research. However, there isn’t much reliable, valid research on the overall effectiveness or ineffectiveness of homeopathy.

Homeopathic remedies for anxiety, while not proven effective for everyone, do have a place in anxiety treatment. If you are curious about taking a homeopathic approach to anxiety, the next step is to visit with a practitioner. The American Institute of Homeopathy offers an online directory so you can find a reputable doctor in your area and explore homeopathic medicine for anxiety.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2021, December 21). Homeopathic Remedies for Anxiety that May Help You, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, April 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/anxiety/homeopathic-remedies-for-anxiety-that-may-help-you

Last Updated: January 6, 2022