It's just mechanics; Viagra is just the start: we'll soon have pills that make you feel deep love and video games that give good vibrations. Welcome to the masturbatory society.

Is your sex life normal? The question was raised recently on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Tell us, the show asked its 20 million viewers, what turns you on, what turns you off, and what makes good sex.

The problem with such questions is that there are no "normal" answers. The normal is problematic because our ideas about sex have changed fundamentally. What constitutes normal is constantly refurbished. Its boundaries shift rapidly and continue to shift. So what was abnormal yesterday--say, pornography--becomes normal today. And what is shunned today (say pedophilia) may just as easily become normal tomorrow.

One huge jump was provided by Viagra. In less than six years since the impotence pill came on the market it has transformed sexual norms and practices. As Meika Loe argues in The Rise of Viagra (New York University Press), it has redefined the concept of normal and changed the language of sex.

From the beginning, this was a treatment branded and marketed as normal. Impotence was called "erectile dysfunction", or simply ED--a common condition, as the football legend Pele assured us in TV ads, but not normal. Moreover, it did not arise from psychological causes or physical damage; rather, it was a simple medical condition rectified by a pill. Suddenly, drug company surveys discovered that more than half the US adult male population suffered from ED; figures for Europe were not far behind.

So if you can't get it up because you're pissed, stressed out, simply not in the mood or no longer find your partner attractive, you are actually suffering from a disease. And like all diseases, it must be cured. The cure is to swallow a pill and have sex no matter what, anywhere, any time, whenever. This has now become the norm.

Viagra is another step in stripping sex of all its complexity. Sex has been reduced to a simple question: for men, "how big?"; for women, "how long?". Combine these conundrums with other features of a market economy, such as availability on demand, choice, flexibility to mix'n'match, and we have new definitions of sex and love and of what it means to be human.

Today, to be normal, humans have sex right up to their last breath. It's the way to go. Sex is no longer the indulgence of the young. Nowadays, it is people over 50 who are having the most sex. With demographic shifts, high divorce rates and early retirement, the erstwhile golden generation of Sixties swingers who let it all hang out are now the "silver singles" (as they are called in America). The preoccupations of their youth have been sustained through their later years by medical enhancements. The wet dreams of 60-year-olds, who turned on to chemical enhancement in the Sixties, are a manifest example of future normality for us all.

What Viagra actually treats is loss of male power. In a confusing, depersonalizing world busy reassigning status, regendering the social order, manipulating the ever-increasing demands of a commodified existence, sexual potency is the last bastion. Men, who have lost status and power almost everywhere, from workplace to home, must repair to the bedroom. Only there can they find the redemption of their true nature.

However, in an age of sexual equality, men cannot be left alone with their predicament. The other half of humanity, too, finds it is not exempt from malfunction. Just a few months ago, the disease "female sexual dysfunction" hit the headlines. But female sexuality being what it is, women probably need something more than a pill. Simple enhanced blood flow, as laboratory tests have shown, is not good enough. So a female Viagra won't do the job as well as a vibrator or a dildo--soon to be widely and cheaply available from a Boots near you. A vibrator outperforms even a man on Viagra.

More serious aids to female performance are in the pipeline. In the next few years, patches and drugs to enhance vaginal lubrication and sensitivity will become available. A US surgeon has already patented a pacemaker-sized device which, implanted under the skin, triggers an orgasm. Last month, clinical trials for the device were approved by the US Food and Drug Administration. Within a decade, it will be normal for every woman to have a perpetual orgasm whenever she wants it, wherever she needs it.

Love, too, will be available on demand. Recent research on love suggests that it consists of three basic biochemical elements. First, testosterone--which produces lust. Second, a group of amphetamine-like chemicals (dopamine, noradrenaline and phenylethylamine) produces feelings of euphoria that lead to infatuation. Third, if a relationship survives the first two rushes, a new biochemical response emerges, based on oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins. This produces feelings of intimacy, trust and affection. Pharmaceutical companies are currently working on this third phase. So a "love pill" that modulates your subtler emotions and takes you straight to deep feelings of intimacy, trust and affection is just over the horizon. Science will fulfil the fairy tale. It will come up with a genuine love potion.

Where your sexual desires are normal and available on-demand

The sexual liberation of every woman and man approaches its apotheosis: availability on demand with peak performance assured gratification and enduring emotion. But much more has been let out of the bottle. The physical and psychological barriers to sex, identified as the ultimate metaphor for all the ills of humanity, had to be overcome. The consequence is that most sexual taboos have evaporated. No matter how dark your thoughts, how unethical your desires, how absurd your fetish, everything is normal. Your desire to dress up as a stuffed toy, your dreams of having sex with obese or dead people, your obsession with plastic or rubber, your fixation with asphyxiation--all that is sexually driven is OK.

Pornography's status as a taboo is rapidly disappearing. It has become part of the mainstream of western culture. Ancient Egyptians, Greeks and Romans had their erotica as esoterica on scrolls, pottery and frescos. Hindus have their erotic sculptures on temples. But in western culture pornography in unparalleled quantities and forms is communicated in every mass medium. Never before in history has there been so much pornography to be had by so many in such numerous ways.

Everyone is now just a click away from explicit, hard-core material. It is impossible to miss pornography on the internet because it seeks you out persistently, unannounced, at every opportunity. It is there on Channels 4 and 5, Sky and innumerable digital channels every night.

On MTV's reality show The Real World, you can witness bisexual group sex. Explicit sex, including shots of erect penises, can be viewed on Sky's revisionist western drama Deadwood. Michael Winterbottom's 9 Songs, which will go on general release shortly, offers a stream of close-ups of intercourse, fellatio, ejaculation and cunnilingus. The French art-house director Catherine Breillat has pioneered the transfer of porn stars into mainstream cinema. Her new film, Anatomy of Hell, is as graphic as it is bizarre. And if that doesn't satisfy you, you can go to a new breed of "pornaoke bars", just opened in Edinburgh, where you can groan and grind karaoke-style to porno tapes.

When pornography becomes normal, where will we go next?

There are only two taboos left: sex with children, and incest. Attempts to "normalize" pedophilia have begun. A thesis by Richard Yuill, awarded a PhD by Glasgow University in December 2004, suggests that sex between adults and minors is a good and positive thing. Yuill's research, based on interviews with pedophiles and their victims, "challenges the assumption" that pedophiles are inherently abusive. It is only a matter of time before other academics start arguing that incest, too, is decent and wholesome. Graphic art films and television documentaries will follow. The organizations campaigning for the rights of pedophiles will have their case for "normality" made for them.

They may then be able to take their place among the bewildering array of sexual orientations already being normalized. Once upon a time, there were heterosexuals and the love that dared not speak its name. Gay men and lesbians have long since lost their reticence. Then bisexuals, transsexuals and the "kinky" found their identity. Now we have intersexuals and the polyamorous. A few months ago, New Scientist announced the discovery, in breathless prose, of asexuals. These folk don't like to have sex--horror of horrors--with anybody. There are even orientations within orientations. So we have such self-definition as non-op transsexual, TG butch, femme queen, gender-queer, cross-dresser, third gender, drag king or queen and transboy. In one recent episode of Channel 5's CSI: crime scene investigation, a murder victim was said to be part of a community of "plushies", people who enjoy sex while dressed up as stuffed animals.

It is now normal to have your breasts removed or added to, have new genitals constructed, or sprinkle a dash of hormones for the appropriate, desired effect. Things are about to become even more complex. Within a decade or so, you will be able to modify your body almost totally, as you wish. You will be able to turn off all physical signs of gender, switch off the hormones and get rid of all secondary sexual characteristics. Then you can add on the bits you wish and "sculpt" your body in any shape you like. When gene therapy becomes common, things will be even easier. Already, there are people who are experimenting with this; and a "body-mod" subculture is thriving on the internet.

What you can't do in reality will soon be available in simulation. The emerging technology of haptics, or the telecommunication of sensation using a computer interface, will enable you to live your most horrific dreams in virtual reality. Haptic technologies simulate physical sensation of real objects and feed them to the user. The first generation of haptic technology can be experienced in certain video games for the Sony PlayStation where the joystick is used to simulate vibrations. The next generation, on its way from Rutgers University, will simulate pressure, texture and heat. Combine this with state-of-the-art graphics and some innovative software and you have a complete pornographic universe. As Eric Garland points out in the December 2004 issue of the American magazine The Futurist, among its first uses could be "pornography involving children and featuring violence". But what's the harm, as it is only a digitized child?

Am I the only person to wonder if the constant shifting of the boundaries of the normal, while increasing our obsession with sex, has really improved our sex lives? On the contrary, I would argue, it has led to a decline in real sex. Genuine intimacy cannot be generated through a pill. Neither can sincere, unconditional love be simulated. When sex is reduced to mechanics and endurance, there is little to differentiate it from plumbing and maintenance. When gender becomes meaningless, sex becomes empty. When sexual choice becomes an end in itself, then the end is destined to be tragic.

Sex used to be intercourse because it was part of a context, a loving relationship. When sex is just sex, without any context, what good does it do you? That is the crux of the problem. It becomes the ultimate narcissism, the sole gratification of self-love.

Welcome to the masturbatory society.

Ziauddin Sardar is editor of Futures, the monthly journal of policy, planning and futures studies

Testing HIV positive...What is the next step?

It's hard to imagine what could chill one's soul more than finding out you are HIV positive. So frightening is the prospect that many people do not get tested just to avoid the possibility of being given the bad news. Although very frightening, finding out you are HIV positive is not a death sentence. It also doesn't mean you have AIDS. HIV is a virus that can cause AIDS-defining illnesses. One can be HIV positive without having AIDS. Although there is no medicine or treatment to rid the body entirely of HIV, there are several medicines that can keep the virus in check, and allow the HIV positive person to lead a long, healthy, productive life. This being said, the fact remains that finding out you have been infected can be scary, confusing, and depressing. So what can we do to get through this rough time and go on with our lives?

Find a support system. It is a fact that living with HIV will change your life.

It is a fact that living with HIV will change your life.

Adjusting to the change will be challenging and won't come overnight. The key to adjusting and learning to live with HIV is developing a support system. Once you find out you are positive, take a moment and decide who you feel will be supportive and who won't. There are several sources of support:

• Parents, spouses, partners, or other family members may be good sources of support.
• Counselors or social workers can also be very helpful in this adjustment time.
• Don't feel you need to tell everyone about your HIV right away. Do so only when you feel the time is right.

Knowledge is Power

The next step in managing this diagnosis, is getting to know the disease. Learn as much as you can about HIV. It is said that knowledge is power. HIV is the perfect example of how knowing your illness, and knowing your body can help manage a disease process. There are many sources of information at your disposal:

• There are literally thousands of informative sites across the web. Make sure the ones you choose are current and accurate.
• Your local library is an excellent source of information, however some of the content they offer may be somewhat outdated.
• Your HIV physician should provide HIV related educational materials in his or her office.
• Ask questions! Write down any questions you have and take them to your doctor's appointment and don't leave without the answers you are looking for.

Choose the Right Doctor for You

Possibly the most important step in dealing with your HIV is choosing the right doctor to manage your care. Generally speaking there are three options for your care:

• Your family doctor
  Some decide to continue their care with their family physician. They feel reassured that they will be seeing a physician who knows them well and who has cared for them in the past. Because of the complex nature of HIV disease, experts strongly advise not to seek HIV care with your family doctor. If your family doctor doesn't see several HIV patients on a regular basis it is best to seek out an HIV specialist.
• An HIV specialist
  Specialists keep up with the latest treatment options and research in the field and are experts in the workings of the body's immune system. In addition, a specialist can also manage ordinary health matters such as colds, high blood pressure, and stomach disturbances. With this method, all your health care is in one place, adding convenience to what can be a very inconvenient disease.
• A combination of both
  This option allows you to continue with your family physician for the routine matters, and allow the specialist to regulate the HIV medications and monitor the health of the immune system. If this method is your choice, make sure both physicians communicate your progress to one another. This is imperative to assure continuity in your health care plan.

Stay Healthy

One last important step in dealing with your disease is keeping yourself as healthy as possible. While your physicians can help, it is up to you to optimize your health in order to feel good and to live a productive life. It is important to eat healthy, exercise regularly, and to see your doctor and dentist regularly. Work hard to avoid smoking, drinking too much alcohol, or using recreational drugs. Doing so makes the management of your HIV much easier and successful. One last important point, always practice safer sex to avoid infecting others and acquiring sexually transmitted diseases that complicate your medical care.

There are things you can do to live healthier with HIV. Learn about your disease, find a physician you feel comfortable with and who will allow you to participate in your own care, and take care of your body by eating right and exercising. Take the time to learn about your options and take control of your life. Don't let HIV control you.

Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) treatment is both necessary and possible. RAD is a trauma disorder that results from severe neglect in infancy. Because of extreme neglect, an infant doesn’t form an attachment to a caregiver; consequently, he/she doesn’t develop a sense of protection, safety, and trust in the world. This, in turn, leads to reactive attachment disorder, a withdrawal from the world and all social interactions and relationships. Because effects of RAD in teens and children can be deep and far-reaching, treatment for reactive attachment disorder is crucial.

Goals of Reactive Attachment Disorder Treatment

Treatment for reactive attachment disorder that is intentional and purposeful is the most effective. Depending on the person’s age, goals of treatment typically include dealing with issues that produced the reactive attachment disorder symptoms in the first place:

• Addressing medical problems that may have resulted from the neglect
• Establishment of a safe, nurturing environment
• Re-building or building new attachment relationships between the child and caregiver.
• Developing a sense of emotional security
• Improving social skills
• Providing opportunities for positive social experiences

Reactive attachment disorder treatment that focuses on these goals helps the infant, child, teen, or adult bond with others and engage in meaningful social relationships.

Essential Components of Reactive Attachment Disorder Treatment

Relationships are key in RAD treatment. People living with reactive attachment disorder don’t have the sense of trust necessary for attachment, so it takes time and patience for a caregiver or helper to form that essential bond. It’s the formation of this first attachment, though, no matter what age it happens, that is the first step in successful treatment of reactive attachment disorder.

Ironically, love is not the first and foremost element of relationships in RAD treatment. To be sure, love and caring are absolutely essential. They can’t happen, though, if basic survival needs of nurturance, safety, trust, and stability aren’t met. Yes, these things are ideally provided with love; however, attempts to provide love and physical affection without taking the time to establish trust and safety will be met with rejection.

Also essential to reactive attachment disorder treatment is the establishment of routines. Routines make life predictable, stable, and secure for the child who didn’t have these basic human needs fulfilled as an infant.

Psychological stimulation is another vital for helping the RAD child or teen become less withdrawn. Toys and games, especially those that require child-adult interaction help kindle the mind and promote social interaction.

Types of Reactive Attachment Disorder Treatment Approaches

For infants and very young children, reactive attachment disorder treatment approaches have an external focus. Because children under the age of five are too young for treatment that focuses on thoughts and feelings, RAD treatment under the age of five focuses on improving the child’s external environment and fostering attachment relationships.

Beyond the age of five, RAD treatment addresses the above-mentioned goals. The way these goals is approached can vary depending on the therapist, parent, and child/teen/adult him/herself (Reactive Attachment Disorder in Adults). Among the common treatments for reactive attachment disorder are:

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy for thoughts and emotions
• Adlerian therapy or reality therapy; approaches that examine the specific purpose of behavior and then help the person develop better skills for meeting his/her needs
• Play therapy to allow people to work through issues that words don’t always express

Because lack of attachment in infancy makes it difficult for someone to develop a bond and rapport with others, treatment can be slow and difficult. With patience and consistency, though, children, teens, and adults have a chance to develop trust and form a connection. From there, he/she can form other meaningful relationships and function well. Treatment for reactive attachment disorder is important and necessary, and it can be successful.

article references

Introduction
Talking About Your HIV Status
Handling Partner Notification
Considering Peer and/or Professional Support
Support Resources
Finding an Experienced Doctor You Can Trust
Substance Abuse and HIV
Investigating Your Health Benefits
AIDS Drug Assistance Program
Protecting Yourself and Others
Educating Yourself

Introduction

Testing positive for the HIV virus generates many feelings. You may experience fear, anger, guilt, surprise, sadness, or relief. There is no right or wrong response to your HIV diagnosis. Remember you are not alone; many people have been where you are now. Having HIV can be difficult and will be stressful at times. Thankfully, recent medical advancements have made living with HIV more manageable. There are many issues to consider that can help make your journey easier.

Talking About Your HIV Status

When coping with any medical condition, it is important to have someone to turn to for support. HIV is no exception. Unfortunately, the stigma that is often associated with HIV may make it more difficult for you to share your HIV diagnosis with loved ones. This is a personal decision with no right or wrong answer. Many people struggle with whether or not to share their HIV status with family or friends. Certainly, you do not need to share your private information with everyone. However, it is important that you should not try to go it alone. Try to find a natural balance that works for you.

Talking with loved ones about your HIV status may be stressful. People often cite fear of rejection, lack of understanding, or burdening family and friends as primary reasons not to disclose their diagnosis. If you choose to tell a trusted family member or friend, find a private time that is devoted to your discussion. Decide how much information you feel comfortable sharing regarding your illness and treatment. For instance, your loved one may have questions about the status of your treatment or how you contracted the virus. Remember, your loved one may need time to process this information. The initial talk will likely be the first of many discussions with your loved one as you both begin to learn more about living with HIV. Don't forget to let your loved one know how he or she can be helpful to you (for example, by accompanying you to the doctor or by helping research support services). It is important to consider that by not sharing your status you may be depriving yourself of much-needed support.

Handling partner notification

A very difficult question regarding disclosure is talking with a partner or spouse with whom you have had unprotected sexual contact. If they are advised of their possible exposure to the HIV virus, they can then be tested themselves. If they are not tested and have HIV, they may be at risk for progression of their disease to AIDS and death. Therefore, you should notify them as soon as you can. If, like some people, you feel unable to disclose your HIV status to a sexual partner, there are some alternatives. Your doctor or, if you have one, your social worker or therapist, can help you with notification and can be present when you inform your spouse, partner, or prior sexual partners about their potential exposure to HIV. Also, in some states, there are Partner Notification Programs that can assist you with this very important process. Partner notification programs will contact a partner to advise that they may have been exposed to the HIV virus. Your identity and your HIV status will not be shared with this individual. You may want to contact your state health department to ask if they provide assistance with partner notification.

Considering Peer and/or Professional Support

Whether or not you choose to disclose your status to a friend or family member, you may want to consider joining a support group or talking with a counselor individually. You must decide what form of support will be most helpful. Joining a support group allows for information about coping with HIV to be freely shared in a safe environment. Most community-based AIDS service organizations run a variety of HIV-related support groups. These may include groups for women, gay men, parents, and people struggling with substance abuse and HIV. If you have a choice of groups or community organizations, you may want to shop around to find the agency that best fits your needs.

Some people may feel more comfortable addressing their concerns in a private setting. A therapist or counselor who is experienced in working with people with HIV can be instrumental in helping you sort out your feelings about your diagnosis as well as work with you during your decision about disclosure. It is important for you to find someone who is experienced and comfortable dealing with the issues facing people living with HIV. It is also important that you feel comfortable with this person so that you are able to open up to them and share your true concerns and feelings. Keeping secrets from your therapist will prevent you from accomplishing much with your time together.

HIV Support resources

If you are unfamiliar with the support services available in your area, you can contact the National AIDS hotline at 1-800-342-AIDS for local referrals and information. In addition, your local or state health department can be a valuable resource for connecting you with HIV/AIDS support services. There are also many online sites that provide peer support and information. Some examples are:

www.gmhc.org
www.aidsinfonyc.org/network

Finding an Experienced Doctor You Can Trust

Remember that you are the most important member of the treatment team. Be sure you find someone with whom you can work, ask questions, and address your concerns. When you begin to receive medical care for HIV, it is important to do your homework. Depending on your insurance plan, availability of physicians will vary. Learn about providers in your community that currently work with HIV patients. Most major hospitals will have physicians who specialize in treating HIV disease. You should look for a doctor who has experience with HIV, as treatments and medications are changing rapidly. Feedback from other patients can also help you choose a provider. If you are involved with a community organization or support group, ask other patients about their experiences with their physicians.

Depending on where you were tested for HIV, you may or may not be connected with a doctor. If you were tested at a health department or private testing site, their staff may be able to refer you to reputable HIV providers in your area. If you were HIV tested at your family doctor's office, you may want to continue in his or her care. However, it is in your best interest to ask your doctor about the extent of his or her experience with treating HIV. It is important to receive medical treatment from an experienced HIV provider. When and if you and your doctor decide to begin treatment, it is very important to stick with the agreed-upon plan. If you are having any problems adhering to the plan (for example, taking medications as directed), contact your doctor as soon as possible.

Substance Abuse and HIV

Coping with HIV can be more difficult when also struggling with drug or alcohol use. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol as a method of blocking out difficult feelings or hiding from their HIV diagnosis. However, this is ultimately self-destructive behavior. Remember that using drugs and alcohol places an additional strain on your immune system and makes it difficult for you to do the things you need to in order to fight HIV. Many studies have shown that patients with substance abuse problems are much more likely to miss medication doses and to get sick.

Support for fighting drug and alcohol addiction
If you feel you may have a problem with drugs or alcohol, be proactive and ask for help. Fighting addiction to drugs and/or alcohol can be difficult. However, there are a variety of resources and support services available nationwide. Taking steps to address your drug and alcohol use will help you be more prepared to deal with your HIV diagnosis. The longer you put off dealing with substance abuse problems the more you may damage your body.

Some of the online resources for people with drug and alcohol problems include:

www.ncadd.org
www.aa.org/
www.na.org
www.addictionresourceguide.com

Investigating Health Benefits For HIV Patients

Medical treatments for HIV are very expensive. It is extremely important to be knowledgeable about your health insurance options. If you are currently covered by an insurance plan, investigate the limits of your policy. Explore whether or not you have access to an HIV specialist. Don't be afraid to speak with a customer service representative should you have questions about your policy. Some people worry about their insurance companies learning about their HIV status. By law, if you are currently insured and test positive, you cannot be discharged from your insurance plan. If you have specific questions about your policy and do not feel comfortable talking with your employer or company representative you should consider contacting the National AIDS hotline at 1-800-342-2437 (AIDS). Hotline staff will try to locate a local case manager in your area who can help you investigate your plan.

AIDS Drug Assistance Program

You should also evaluate your prescription drug plan, since eventually, you and your doctor may decide to begin an antiviral regimen or other medications. Medications to treat HIV are expensive. You may find that your health plan has a cap on annual medication costs. For some people who do not have adequate prescription drug coverage, there is a federal program called the AIDS Drug Assistance Program (ADAP). ADAP was designed to provide access to expensive HIV medications for people who are considered to be underinsured or have no insurance. Eligibility for ADAP is determined based on your financial situation. Eligibility will also vary from state to state, as will the number of medications covered. States with larger numbers of people living with HIV tend to have a larger list of covered medications.

If you are currently unemployed or have a low income, you may be eligible for Medicaid. Medicaid is a federal program that provides health care for people who cannot afford to purchase insurance on their own. If you qualify for Supplemental Security Income (SSI), you will automatically receive Medicaid.

For state-by-state information on ADAP and Medicaid eligibility, you may contact The ACCESS Project at http://www.atdn.org/access/states/.

Protecting Yourself and Others

HIV is not easily transmitted. In order to transmit HIV, there must be an exchange of body fluids, blood, semen, vaginal secretions, or breast milk. HIV is often transmitted through unprotected sexual contact. This includes oral, anal, and vaginal sex. Using condoms will significantly reduce the risk of transmitting HIV to a sexual partner. If you or your partner have questions/fears about safer sex, don't hesitate to discuss these issues with your doctor or therapist. If you are using intravenous drugs, do not share needles with others. HIV can be transmitted through breast milk, therefore new mothers are advised against breastfeeding. Women who are pregnant can take medications to reduce the risk of transmission to their child.

Educating Yourself

We are learning more each day about HIV and its treatment. Try to educate yourself in a reasonable way. Evaluate which methods of information gathering work best for you. Be careful not to overload yourself and don't forget to stop and take a breath. Most of all, ask for help when and if you need it. Many people living with HIV continue to lead active lives after they are diagnosed. By working closely with your doctor and leading a healthy lifestyle, you can continue to lead a happy and productive life.

Stresses facing single-parent families these days and how they can be dealt with.

Over the past 20 years, single-parent families have become even more common than the so-called "nuclear family" consisting of a mother, father, and children. Today we see all sorts of single-parent families: headed by mothers, headed by fathers, headed by a grandparent raising their grandchildren.

Life in a single-parent household - though common - can be quite stressful for the adult and the children. Members may unrealistically expect that the family can function like a two-parent family, and may feel that something is wrong when it can not. The single parent may feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of juggling caring for the children, maintaining a job and keeping up with the bills and household chores. And typically, the family's finances and resources are drastically reduced following the parents' breakup.

Single parent families deal with many other pressures and potential problem areas that the nuclear family does not have to face. Some of these are:

• Visitation and custody problems;
• The effects of the continuing conflict between the parents;
• Less opportunity for parents and children to spend time together;
• Effects of the breakup on children's school performance and peer relations;
• Disruptions of extended family relationships;
• Problems caused by the parents' dating and entering new relationships.

The single parent can help family members face these difficulties by talking with each other about their feelings and working together to tackle problems. Support from friends, other family members and the church or synagogue can help too. But if family members are still overwhelmed and having problems, it may be time to consult an expert.

Source: American Psychological Association

Keeping a list of best foods for anxiety relief is an effective way to develop a habit of eating brain-healthy snacks and meals. Doing so can decrease anxiety on a long-term basis. Use this list for shopping and for choosing what to eat when you’re hungry. A list of best foods for anxiety relief can be a prominent tool in your anxiety-reducing toolbox.

The first step is choosing what foods to include in your food index. To get you started, we’ve compiled a list of some of the best foods for anxiety. The list is compiled from the latest research into foods and anxiety control. Scientists have been able to pinpoint what the brain needs to avoid anxiety as well as which foods contain brain-boosting, anxiety-reducing nutrients. The foods on the below list of best foods for anxiety relief are proven to be good for your brain and your anxiety.

A List of Best Foods for Anxiety Relief

To prevent and overcome anxiety, the brain needs a variety of natural, healthy foods. An anxiety-friendly diet has:

• Complex carbohydrates
• Low glycemic foods (which includes complex carbs plus other foods)
• Proteins, especially tryptophan
• B vitamins
• Antioxidants
• Omega-3 fatty acids
• Magnesium
• Zinc

List of Foods for Anxiety Relief: Complex Carbohydrates

Carbs provide energy and boost mood. Some are better for mental health than others, though. Simple carbs like sugars and refined flours are absorbed quickly, providing a burst of energy followed by a crash. The more simple carbs we eat, the less stable our blood sugar is. Blood glucose fluctuations can cause or worsen anxiety (learn more about how sugar can make anxiety symptoms worse).

Opting for complex carbs keeps blood sugar stable and provides the brain with a steady supply of quality fuel. Some examples of complex carbohydrates:

• Oatmeal
• Quinoa
• Brown rice
• Whole-grain breads
• Whole-grain cereals
• Whole-grain pastas

Anxiety-Relieving Foods: Low-Glycemic Foods

Many people associate the glycemic index (GI) with diabetes. Watching foods’ GI is imperative for those with diabetes, but it is a good idea for those with anxiety, too. Like complex carbs, low-GI foods are absorbed slowly and keep blood sugar level as well as provide a stable, reliable stream of nutrients to the brain. In addition to complex carbs like the ones listed above, these are some low-GI foods that help anxiety:

• Hummus
• Sweet potatoes
• Lentils
• Plain Greek yogurt
• Milk
• Oranges
• Strawberries

List of Proteins to Lower Anxiety

Some of the best foods for anxiety relief are proteins. Proteins provide the amino acids the brain needs to make neurotransmitters. Anxiety can have a strong neurochemical component, which includes the proper balance of chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA). Look especially for the protein tryptophan. Try:

• Beans
• Cheese
• Chicken and other lean meats
• Fish
• Milk
• Soy products
• Yogurt, especially with probiotics

More Best Foods for Anxiety: B Vitamins

The many B vitamins calm the brain, reduce the effects of stress, aid in the production of neurotransmitters needed to keep anxiety at bay and more. They’re found in a variety of foods, such as:

• Almonds and other nuts
• Asparagus
• Avocados
• Berries
• Broccoli
• Carrots
• Dairy products
• Dark green, leafy vegetables
• Dates
• Eggs
• Fish
• Lean meat
• Legumes
• Oranges
• Peas
• Peaches
• Pineapples
• Potatoes
• Spinach
• Squash
• Whole grains

Best Foods for Anxiety Relief: Antioxidants

Antioxidants are a group of vitamins that play an important role in brain health and functioning. This list highlights some sources of antioxidants:

Beta-carotene:

• Apricots
• Broccoli
• Cantaloupe
• Carrots
• Collard greens
• Pumpkin
• Spinach
• Sweet potato

Vitamin C:

• Berries
• Broccoli
• Citrus
• Peppers
• Potatoes
• Tomato

Vitamin E:

• Margarine
• Nuts
• Seeds
• Vegetable oils
• Wheat germ

Omega-3 Fatty Acids for Anxiety Relief

Low levels of omega-3 fats in the body are linked to anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. Omega-3s reduce inflammation, assist new cell growth, and improve nerve transmissions. The body can’t make them, so it relies exclusively on the right foods to obtain them. A List of best foods for anxiety relief wouldn’t be complete without these foods high in essential fatty acids:

• Fish (especially fatty fish like salmon, herring, anchovies, and sardines, for example)
• Nuts
• Avocado
• Olive oil

List of Foods Containing Magnesium and Zinc

The minerals magnesium and zinc are critical minerals for mental health. Part of their role in brain operations is to aid in the functioning of neurotransmitters; therefore, they have a direct impact on anxiety. Deficiencies in these minerals mean deficiencies in calming and anxiety-reducing neurotransmitters. Magnesium- and zinc-rich foods for anxiety relief include:

Magnesium:

• Almonds and other nuts
• Avocados
• Bananas
• Dairy
• Fish and other seafood
• Lean meats like poultry
• Legumes
• Lima beans
• Seeds
• Spinach
• Wheat germ
• Whole grains

Zinc:

• Beef
• Cashews
• Egg yolks
• Liver
• Oysters

This list of best foods for anxiety relief isn’t comprehensive. To be sure, there are other foods containing these nutrients. The list is meant to give you a starting point so you can jump in and make healthy changes to your diet right away. The sooner you give your brain more of what it needs, the sooner you can begin to experience anxiety relief.

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On the edge of edgy sex, racial BDSM excites some and reviles others

Mollena Williams is gregarious, the kind of woman who makes a point of saying, "How are you today?" to the Walgreens cashier. She has a short afro and laughs easily. She works as an administrative assistant and at night, she pens her theater performances. She is also a masochist.

Williams is part of San Francisco's BDSM community (shorthand for "bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism"). By definition, a masochist receives pleasure from experiencing certain types of pain. By her own account, Williams loves pleasing her partners. That might mean a whipping. It might also mean obeying her partner's commands or being called a "slut." Her partners aren't strangers. Like non-BDSM people, she expects to feel a connection and develop trust--enough to submit to a partner for the hour or the day or the week that they agree to. And she, in turn, expects a lot. Her partners have to be comforting, quick thinking and treat her like the princess she's always felt herself to be.

Contrary to popular notions, BDSM is not about abuse. It's consensual and trusting and people refer to it as "play" (as in "I want to play with you"). The point of BDSM is not sexual intercourse. In fact, when Williams recalls her first experience as a masochist seven years ago, she says she met her partner, a white man, at a bar and "fell in love at first sight." They made their way back to his hotel. "For the first time, I felt someone could see who I really was." And that was someone who found it erotic to be a submissive to her partner.

In recent years, Williams has added another element to her repertoire as a masochist. She's begun to engage in what is called "race play" or "racial play"--that is getting aroused by intentionally using racial epithets like the word "nigger" or racist scenarios like a slave auction. Race play is being enjoyed in the privacy of bedrooms and publicly at BDSM parties, and it's far from just black and white. It also includes "playing out" Nazi interrogations of Jews or Latino-on-black racism, and the players can be of any racial background and paired up in a number of ways (including a black man calling his black girlfriend a "nigger bitch"). White master seeking black slave, however, seems the more popular of the combinations.

Race play is considered on the edge of edgy sex, but workshops on the subject are becoming standard fare at kinky conferences as people like Williams become comfortable with publicly speaking about it. Like any practice making its way into public conversations, the workshops include everything from personal testimonials to theories on why people of color are getting aroused by what some would see as just racism. Like any controversial sexual activity, race play has its critics. In May, the title of a workshop at a BDSM conference had to be changed after protest over the original name, "Nigger Play: Free at Last." Williams herself has been the subject of several e-mails from people of color who, while enjoying BDSM themselves, accuse her of self-hate and recommend she enter therapy.

But Williams doesn't seem self-hating. If she is, then she's pretty darn happy talking about her writing and desire to find a good man. If race play is not about hate, then what is it about? What does it mean for a person of color to be aroused by words like "nigger" or "spic"? For the people that I talked to, it's made them neither freaks nor Uncle Toms.

Teaching Race Play

There are about as many ways to engage in BDSM as there are theories for why it arouses. For some, BDSM is having your boyfriend yank your hair and mumble a naughty word like "whore" during sex. For others, it is whips, chains, and hot wax--all done in public before an audience in a space that's been converted to a dungeon.

Psychologists from Freud on down have speculated on BDSM's appeal. Perhaps the most common perception is that it's a way of working through childhood trauma. But some say it's more akin to a psychological theater where you abandon your mundane life role (all those responsibilities!) and act like a master or slave, for example. Still, others conjecture that BDSM alters body chemistry or proffers a spiritual connection.

In his co-authored book, Bound to Be Free, Dr. Charles Moser has put out what might be the most sensible theory, calling BDSM just another type of relationship. It's consensual and erotic, he writes. People find it erotic to act like they have complete control over another person (or pretending that they give up control). It also has its own rules: people agree at the outset what the limits are.

Needless to say, there are countless conferences, websites and parties, all of which loosely make up the "BDSM community." It was at one such conference in May that Mike Bond was to present "Nigger Play," a workshop on using the word "nigger" as part of race play. But a small public outcry from fellow kinky people, many of them apparently people of color, on several electronic listservs devoted to BDSM resulted in a change to the more demure, "Dancing with the Devil." Ironically perhaps, people did not seem to object to the content, just to the word "nigger" being in the title.

Mike Bond, who declined a phone interview and answered questions by e-mail, is a masochist. He is a black man and emphatic that race play "is not a message about all of black kind." He doesn't suggest that all black folks enjoy what he does, but he says, "I have been floored when people have criticized me by saying [that] not everyone agrees with my fetish. So what? Not everyone likes cheese."

During his workshop, Bond told the audience about his own history. He first considered race play when a partner asked if it was humiliating for him as a black man to bow before her, a white woman. He hadn't thought about it before. "But if that made it more embarrassing," he said, "then I was all for it."

On the panel with Bond were three white women he has played with. They emphasized that race play isn't about hate. For one woman calling Bond "nigger" was just another bad name that aroused him. But another woman, who is Jewish, said it took time and encouragement to be able to relax with race play.

After the talk came the demonstration: A woman dressed in a business suit and planted in the audience heckled Bond, then grabbed him by the collar and threw him down, all the while yelling about what gave Bond the right to criticize "her people" (rednecks).

As arousing as that scene might be for some, it is downright repulsive for others. Racism was institutionalized as social, economic and legal practices, in part, through rape and the white domination of black sexuality. Chupoo, who is a black woman and declined to give her last name, says it point blank: "I can't do race play because I have people in my family who had to submit to that, where they had no choices. It's too close to home for American black people." Race play makes her think about her grandmother who had to sleep with her employer, a doctor, so that her children could have healthcare.

Chupoo is not anti-BDSM. In fact, for seven years, she's been a submissive in a master-slave relationship with a black man. So, she's delighted, for example, when in an erotic context, he calls her a "bitch." "I can accept other people are able to rise above their sexism," she says, adding, "The race thing is really a lot deeper. I guess it's easier for me to deal--he understands that we have a partnership ... I feel like my master respects me. I cannot imagine feeling that with someone around race play."

Those who engage in race play are quick to say that they keep politics outside of their bedroom (and dungeon). But their own relationships to race are telling. Chupoo sees race as central to her life; Mollena, not as much or not in the same way. Chupoo refuses to do BDSM with anyone who's white and she says that when someone at a BDSM party ignores her partner or pretends to not know his name, it's disrespectful and has to do with racism. For Mollena, it's most often the other person's problem, and she's had relationships with white men. Whatever trajectory brought the two women to these different conclusions, it may also inform what they do in the dungeon, making race play either titillating or disturbing.

The Turn On Many presentations on race play, if not all, follow a similar format: personal history, explanation of race play, demonstration and time for questions and answers. The explanations vary.

Vi Johnson, the black matriarch of BDSM, has presented on race play at kinky conferences and she believes the appeal is different for each person. "When you're being sexually stimulated, you're not thinking that what's stimulating you is a racist image," she says. "You're just getting turned on."

So, for some, she says, race play is about playing with authority and for others, it might be humiliation.

Well-known dominatrix Midori, who is Japanese and German, often presents her theory that humiliation in BDSM is linked to self-esteem. Take the woman who likes it when her boyfriend calls her a "slut," Midori says. Perhaps the woman internalized the idea that "good girls don't," but she enjoys her sexuality. Because the boyfriend sees her in all her complexity. Midori says, when he calls her a slut, "he is freeing her of the social expectations of having to be modest." That's different than having some stranger (and jerk) calling you a slut. The stranger doesn't see the full woman. It's similar with race play, Midori says. By focusing, for example, on a black man's body, while he's bound as a slave, she's bolstering his own perception of himself as strong and powerful.

Of course, race and gender have a different history. So does that make it easier to play with the word "slut"? Midori tells me to not take it the wrong way but it's a question of my youth. She's known women of other generations, for whom the word slut is painful to hear.

Her workshop demonstrations have included full auction scenes mimicking those of the Old South. In them, she is the plantation mistress inspecting a black man for "purchase." He's in shackles and "I slap him on his face and push him down on the ground, make him lick my shoes," she says, emphasizing that she only does the demonstration after the "psychological" talk.

The audience's reaction? "Everything from horror to sighs of relief to uncomfortable arousal to validation to hooting and hollering, including people walking out." Midori stresses again that race play is "advanced play."

Advanced players have had their reservations. Master Hines, a black man, joined the BDSM community in the early 90s. He's a sadist who's more than comfortable flogging his white submissive. But with race play, "I thought I'd feel like I was being racist. I thought it was very extreme." He changed his mind when someone likened it to people playing out a rape fantasy. In that case, he wouldn't consider that person a rapist because reality and fantasy are different.

While most workshops focus on black and white, every color line is up for grabs. Williams facilitated a workshop in Washington, D.C., three years ago where a Mexican friend helped her. When it came time, she mentioned "wetbacks" and her friend who was sitting in the audience burst out, "What'd you say bitch?" The scene that followed was an erotic struggle, verbal and physical, between him and Williams. When he had her down on the floor, he barked, "Now what? Now what bitch?"

"Now we stop," she replied, and they both started laughing and hugging. Williams adds that even for kinky people, the race play is still so new that it's important for them to know that she and her partners are real friends.

Williams stresses the emotional care in race play. Because it is psychological, "no one knows that you're hurt," she says. So, she advises seeing it before trying it and having a go-to person for comfort after engaging in race play. She reminds the audience to think carefully before doing it in public. "You're putting your reputation on the line--are you prepared for that?"

The Reality of Play

A curious thing about race play is that it is pursued by people of color but often consumed by whites. The BDSM community is largely white, so those watching a public scene are more often white people. The community itself is not free of racism. Chupoo sees this evidenced in the men who approach her. "I get more white submissive men hitting on me than anything else," she says. They're hoping she'll be a big, black dominant woman. "It's their thing. It's their racist fantasies of what black people are."

Bond has had similar experiences but he and others note that the white people they do race play with are not racists. "Truth be told, you have to get a white woman to like you before you can get her to beat you or call you racial names," he says.

However, discomfort in saying the word "nigger" during race play doesn't make someone racism-free. A related concern is the relationship between the sex industry, much of which operates on race as fetish, and those who do race play. But white men flying into Havana for morena prostitutes reduce those women to racial and gender stereotypes. It's not a consensual relationship (or any kind of relationship). They don't have to consider that woman's needs. By contrast, Williams only does race play with about four people she's come to trust.

Still it is tricky matter, race play. Williams says that in considering a partner for it, you have to ask yourself, "Do you know in your guts of guts that [racism] is not their point of view?" Even knowing the answer to that, she says, you have to be ready for that moment, that quick second perhaps in which you might find yourself doubting the person's motives. It's like wondering if a boyfriend would cheat, Williams says. The moment should ideally pass quickly but if it doesn't, she says, "Are you ready for that moment?"

by Daisy Hernandez
Daisy Hernandez is a senior writer and editor at ColorLines.

It’s absolutely possible to achieve mental health and wellbeing. Mental health and wellbeing are in reach of everyone. They are a state of being, a way of approaching life positively. The components of mental wellbeing are part of our thoughts, behaviors, and actions. They make up who we are on the inside and how we project ourselves and act in the world. Yes, mental health and wellbeing are character traits, and they are also skills. No matter how young or old we are, no matter the physical and/or mental illnesses we face, no matter the adversity in our lives, we can all develop skills to achieve mental health and wellbeing.

“Mental health and wellbeing” is a huge concept. It can be both promising and overwhelming at once. One of the keys to achieving this wellness is to break it down into manageable bits. That way, it won’t seem too big to bother tackling. Once you’ve separated it into parts, you can pick specific aspects to develop.

To Achieve Mental Health and Wellbeing Look for Themes

Researchers have identified realms and themes of mental health and wellbeing. Knowing these themes help identify your starting point and narrow your focus. Different researchers label them differently or group them in their own ways. In general, the realms of wellbeing include:

• Work 
• Relationships (with yourself and others)
• Play

Developing your mental health in these individual areas will increase your overall wellbeing and life satisfaction.

Within each realm are themes, or aspects, of wellbeing. These aspects, though, apply to all three life areas rather than applying specifically to just one or another. To achieve mental health and wellbeing, develop:

• Goals and goal-directed behavior
• Sense of purpose
• Feelings of passion, excitement for something
• Persistence
• Intrinsic motivation (motivation that comes from inside of you)
• Self-acceptance—understanding both strengths and growth areas
• Social connectedness
• A network for giving and receiving support
• Emotional health
• Stress management skills
• A plan for physical and mental self-care
• Optimism/hope/belief in the future
• Grit
• Time for yourself

These aspects of wellbeing are the “what.” They’re the starting point in defining mental wellbeing goals for yourself. These help you know where to focus. The next step is determining the “how.”

How to Achieve Your Mental Health and Wellbeing

Mental health and wellbeing aren’t passive. They won’t just magically appear, but that doesn’t mean they are out of reach. You accomplish them when you actively pursue them.

These ideas can get you started on the path to your unique form of wellbeing:

• Intentionally schedule time to spend with friends and family rather than waiting to be less busy  (while this isn’t the reason to make time for friends and family, it’s an added bonus that doing this is shown to reduce stress and make you more productive in the long-run)
• Join a group that relates to your interests. Look at bulletin boards in community centers or libraries, or use Meetup.com to find all sort of groups and gatherings
• Volunteer with an organization you care about to find like-minded people with whom to connect
• Build a network for giving and receiving support
• Challenge yourself to learn and do new things
• Get out into nature
• Pause and breathe deeply several times each day, especially when stressed
• Be present in the moments of your life and calm your mind by learning and practicing mindfulness
• Develop a collection of relaxation techniques (in addition to breathing and mindfulness, do yoga, listen to music, read, etc.)
• Create a vision with clear goals and action steps. Make vision boards to keep you on track
• Hone your sense of meaning in both big and small things
• Find meaning in adversity
• Look at things in new ways
• Take care of your brain and the rest of your body with hydration, nutrition, and exercise
• Celebrate the little things every day

All of these are active approaches to mental wellness. By taking these action steps and/or developing your own that match your personality and dreams, you are achieving mental health and wellbeing.

In developing your healthy self and life bit by bit, in the areas that are meaningful to you and in ways that are workable, you are already achieving mental health and wellbeing. You see, wellbeing isn’t an endpoint; it’s a lifestyle. Live it in daily moments, and you will be mentally healthy every day regardless of what’s happening around you.

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Certain foods can cause anxiety or trigger or worsen anxiety. What we put into our body matters. Researchers are discovering what foods improve mental health, including anxiety, and which ones hurt it. Everything we eat is broken down in the digestive system and is released into the bloodstream where its molecular components are distributed and used by the various organs in the body. This includes the brain. The brain needs the right combination of nutrients to fuel its neurochemistry. If we don’t eat right, the brain doesn’t receive the healthy fuel it needs and often receives substances that damage it (for example, caffeine and anxiety don't mix). In this way, foods can cause anxiety, trigger it or even worsen it.

What a food does to you depends on your experience with anxiety.

• If you haven’t previously dealt with anxiety, eating the wrong foods can cause, or at least contribute to the development of, new anxiety.
• Sometimes, people experience sporadic or occasional anxiety that flares in the presence of external stressors. Can foods trigger anxiety? Researchers have discovered that yes, foods are one of the external stressors that cause anxiety to rear its ugly head in people who only experience it every once in a while.
• If you live with chronic worry, fear, or panic, there are foods that worsen anxiety of any nature (learn how foods play a role in anxiety and panic attacks).

Some Foods That Can Cause, Trigger or Worsen Your Anxiety

Both foods and beverages can exacerbate anxiety. Beverages are digested just like food, and the molecular components are distributed through the body. Three of the biggest liquid contributors to anxiety are

• Alcohol
• Caffeine
• Sugary drinks like sodas, juices, etc.(see Sugar and Anxiety: How Sugar Can Make Your Anxiety Symptoms Worse)

Basically, these substances are liquid foods that cause, trigger, or worsen anxiety. They can cause blood sugar levels to surge then crash, which is an erratic energy rollercoaster that negatively effects anxiety. All these drinks can cause irritability and the sense of being on edge. Restlessness, dehydration, dizziness, and difficulty sleeping are common effects of alcohol, caffeine, and sugar. These feel like some of the symptoms of anxiety.

In addition to contributing to anxiety, alcohol (and illicit drugs) can interact with many medications, creating side effects that range from unpleasant to life-threatening. They can also prevent anxiety medications from working properly. Blocking something that’s helping you is another way that substances can cause, trigger, or worsen your anxiety.

List of Harmful Foods for Anxiety

Regarding foods causing anxiety, a simple guideline is this: The more refined or processed something is—the further it’s removed from its natural state—the more detrimental it can be for your anxiety and overall mental health.

This is because as natural foods like grains, meats, fruits and vegetables, and others are processed and refined, they lose key nutrients. And let’s not forget the artificially manufactured products like hydrogenated oils, additives, preservatives, and other substances created completely or partially in factories.

These are just some of the foods that can cause anxiety or worsen it:

• Fast food
• Fried foods
• Saturated fats
• Trans fats
• White bread
• White pasta
• White rice
• Pastries
• Candy
• Chocolate other than dark chocolate with a high percentage of cocoa
• Chips and similar snacks
• “Instant” products like potatoes, rice, oatmeal; however, instant oatmeal, for example, may be processed more quickly by the body (causing an energy spike then plummet that can cause anxiety) than slow-cooked oatmeal, yet instant oatmeal does have nutritious properties and is better for you than white bread or chips)
• Refined cereals (they are often sugary)

These foods are especially harmful and can cause, trigger, or worsen your anxiety. You might have other foods that contribute to your own anxiety.

Any food, even healthy food good for anxiety, can have a negative effect on anxiety if you are sensitive to the food. A food sensitivity is different from a food allergy. It can make you feel terrible and experience things like anxiety, but it doesn’t cause a dangerous immune system reaction.

Common foods that people can be sensitive to include:

• Gluten
• Corn
• Dairy
• Eggs
• Seafood
• Nuts
• Food additives

If you are experiencing anxiety, part of the reason could be a sensitivity to one or more of these foods. Other than the food additives, these are all healthy foods that your body needs and natural foods that can often help anxiety. You could consider consulting with a nutrition specialist to discuss the possibility of food sensitivities and how to replace any food with an equivalent source of nutrients.

Whether you’re experiencing new anxiety, have anxiety that is occasionally triggered, or existing anxiety that is worsening, foods and drinks could be at least partially responsible. Try eliminating harmful foods from your diet. You just might discover that your anxiety diminishes.

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He says he's just horny, a real man. But could his `harmless' sexual behavior be putting both of you in jeopardy? Recovering sex addicts help you sift through the clues.

STEVEN: 'I had a $4,000 phone sex bill'

I'm addicted to phone sex. For years, I saw it as no big deal. When the others in my office bragged about their sexual exploits, I stayed silent. Compared with them, I was a saint. My thing was solitary. Phone sex was just an exciting form of masturbation. I wasn't cheating on my wife of ten years. She and I still had sex on a regular basis. As a 38-year-old sports promoter, I made good money and, at least in the beginning, could afford the phone calls. My wife didn't have to know. No one had to know. No one could know because the experience, while getting me off, was bringing me shame--and pulling me deeper into a pattern of behavior I couldn't stop.

Later, I would learn that sex addiction--commonly defined as repetitive and compulsive sexual behavior that over time negatively affects a person's life--is a progressive disease. What begins as an occasional thrill builds into an uncontrollable obsession. I went from spending $10 a week to $100--and then $1,000. I went from phone sex with women to phone sex with men. The verbal stimulation became more bizarre--cruder, crueler, enticing me into areas that, only months before, I could never have imagined entering. I felt imprisoned. The minute my wife left the house, I rushed to the phone and stayed there for hours. I grew so alarmed that I called a psychotherapist and made an appointment.

The therapist helped me see the roots of my addictive personality. When I was a child, my parents discussed sex inappropriately. They used words and expressions that were shockingly explicit. Their language turned me on in ways I didn't understand. But even with this new insight, even after an illuminating session with the therapist, I still ran to the phone. I still sought the heat of phone sex.

When my wife spotted a $4,000 phone bill and demanded an explanation, I confessed. The next day was Christmas. She went off to church where she sought God's guidance about whether to leave me or not. Meantime, I spent the morning binging on phone sex. That afternoon, disgusted with myself, I finally did what I knew I had to do. I went to a 12-step group devoted to my disease and said the four words I never wanted to pronounce publicly to a group of strangers: I'm a sex addict.

Public confession gave me something that private counseling, for all its benefits, never did--accountability. I felt accountable to a group of fellow sex addicts. Some of their stories were more dramatic than mine, some less. The common bond, though, was our admission that sex was our drug. We were powerless over this drug and, only with the help of a higher power--call it God, or call it the mysterious healing feeling of the group--could we do without our destructive behavior. We called each other when we felt the urge coming on; we listened to one another without judgment. The wreckage of our past cost some of us our wives, husbands and families. It cost me my marriage. But my own life, for the past four years, has been free of phone sex. That, in itself, is a miracle.

Here three men and one woman--all of them currently in 12-step recovery programs--share their struggles with sex addiction in the hope that we might better understand a disease that's quietly devastating millions of lives. (To preserve the anonymity that is the hallmark of 12-step programs, and to protect subjects' privacy, names and identifying details have been changed.)

BEN: 'I Stayed Drunk on Web Porn'

Computers made my career and computers ruined my life. Computers fed my addiction to hard work, creative planning and hard-core pornography.

My story began as the classic African-American success story. My parents are government workers who saved up for my college education. My wife is a schoolteacher. My affinity for computers landed me an excellent job. I invented a software program that saved my company millions, and I became a senior vice-president with a big office and private bathroom. I moved my wife and three children to the suburbs and took them on Hawaiian vacations. A division of 50 people reported to me.

In my off-hours, I started dabbling with some of the milder sex sites. No big deal. But as the years passed, these sites became more explicit. That excited me. So did the changing technology-chat lines, Web cameras, E-mail photos. The world of Web porn became endlessly fascinating, but I still wasn't worried. I restricted my sex surfing to my lunch hour.

Then an hour in the afternoon. Then an hour at home after my wife had gone to bed. Soon I was ordering secret credit cards as a way to hide the expense. I was suddenly visiting sites--and staying for hours--where Webcams were showing things that had me dazed. I didn't realize my behavior was so extreme until a colleague, who had inadvertently seen me online, told my boss. Because of my value to the firm, I was given a warning. I was told that if I were caught again, I'd be fired. Rather than seek help, I bought a handheld computer that I could operate in my private bathroom. I spent at least half my time at work in that bathroom. This time it was my secretary who reported my secret behavior. That was it: I was terminated, and my wife was told why. Infuriated and frightened, she took the kids and left.

I can analyze my situation with clarity. As a child, I discovered an uncle's stash of porn magazines. The images confused and excited me. They were more than any child could handle. As a result, I was still seeking the thrill of that early discovery. Then came the computer.

The computer is addictive in and of itself. Combine it with porn and you have two mighty addictions operating in tandem. No wonder I capitulated. No wonder porn is a multibillion-dollar online business. But all the clarity in the world does not get me my family or my job back. And the worst part is, I'm still deep in the addiction, even after a weeklong stay at a rehab facility.

The rehab was intense, but once I was home, I was back online. The therapists urged me to attend regular meetings, but I wasn't comfortable there. "The idea isn't to be comfortable," said the head of the program, "but to process your feelings by speaking your emotional truth." The truth, though, is that the other addicts didn't have my education or my intellectual understanding of the addiction. If I could find a group of my true peers, maybe that would work. I've been told I lack humility, that without humility--admitting that I can't do it alone--I'll get worse. But having lost everything, living alone in a run-down studio apartment, sitting in front of this computer night and day, staying drunk on sex sites, I don't see how I can sink any lower.

OMAR: 'Same Corner, Different Lady

My daddy was a construction worker, and so am I. My daddy had girlfriends, and so do I. Sometimes, when I was just a little boy, he'd even take me to meet them. They were nice ladies, pretty ladies, prettier and sexier than my mom. Sometimes he would even describe what the ladies did to him. He said this was part of my education. I understood why Daddy did what he did. He did what men do. "Truth be told," Daddy said, "that's what makes us men."

I married my lady when she got pregnant--this was five years ago, when I turned 30. I thought it was the right thing to do. It was the same reason my father had married my mother. But during the pregnancy, stuff started happening. At first, I didn't see it as bad; I just saw it as convenient. I had sex with a hooker. After my one outside girlfriend kicked me to the curb--she was feeling guilty because my wife was expecting--I didn't want the trouble of hitting on someone new. I was working overtime, tired and in no mood to sweet-talk someone out of a little love. Driving home one night I went down the wrong street and saw what I wanted standing on the corner. It happened right there in the car. The adrenaline rush was serious. The next night I was back. Same corner, different lady, bigger rush. I figured if I could satisfy my sex needs in a straight-up business transaction, everything was cool.

But everything heated up when I found I wanted that rush more and more. One day at work I took off during my lunch break and found myself at the same corner. I went from a once-a-week John to once-a-day. The night before my lady went into labor, I couldn't sleep, so I snuck out the house at 2:00 A.M. I had to have it.

I had to have it when I was happy, when I was sad, when I was lonely, when I was scared. I believe I would still be having it if I hadn't got caught in a sting. One of the girls was a cop. The judge let me off with a small fine and mandatory attendance at a 12-step program. I hated the meetings. I sat and sulked. I had nothing to say. I didn't want to be in a room with a bunch of freaks and perverts. Their stuff was a lot freakier than anything I ever did. It was like some kind of public confession. I looked down on everyone. Until I got caught a second time.

The second time was bad because I went to the corner against my will. I'd sworn off hookers. I'd made a vow with God, because God had kept my wife and family from finding out about the first time. So what was I doing on that same corner looking for that same nasty rush? I can't tell you. My wife told me never to look at her or the baby again. She made me take an AIDS test. Luckily, I was clean. But my heart was dirty; everything about me felt dirty. A lawyer got me out of jail time on the condition that I'd go to 90 meetings in 90 days. This is day 45. They count time in the program; they give chips for consecutive days of abstinence. I used to think that was stupid. Now I'm not sure; maybe that's what I need. A goal. Something to keep me going. When I first got caught up with prostitutes, I said to myself, I can stop whenever I want. Hell, hookers aren't heroin. But maybe they are.

COLE: 'The Secret Smoldered Inside Me

I stand in front of the window in my kitchen and stare into my neighbors' bedroom. Then I take a walk around the neighborhood looking for open blinds and pulled-up shades. I seek shadows; I explore back alleys. I have exposed myself on several occasions. I have masturbated in public. And I've never been caught. I'm a 33-year-old single man employed as an assistant manager at an office-supply store. Women say I'm good-looking. I date often, but relationships never last more than a few months. I prefer to watch a woman from afar--watch her undress or step into the bath.

I've been doing this since I was a boy. Being fondled by a family member supercharged my sex drive and filled me with shame. I still carry that shame. After every voyeuristic episode, I'm filled with remorse and vow to stop. But a week later I'm back at it. The thrill--of what I might see, of the risk I'm taking--is too great to resist. I can't discuss it with my friends or parents because my shame is too great. I tried to discuss it with my minister but could only tell him half-truths--I left out the part about exposing myself. He suggested getting closer to God through Bible class and retreats. I went on one such retreat but left after a day, hurrying home to act out.

The secret smoldered inside me, and it seemed to give my obsession more power. I was convinced I'd have to live with it forever. Then I saw a small item in a newspaper about 12-step groups for sex addicts. I didn't want to go, but I was out of options. So I went to my first meeting, afraid I'd see someone I knew. I sat in the back and lowered my head. The first thing I heard was, "You're only as sick as your secrets." Then someone else said, "Your addiction thrives on isolation." I related to everyone and everything I heard. People were open and honest about how much they wanted to act out, how they loved acting out, and how acting out was destroying them. They were supporting one another with understanding and unconditional love.

For two months I went to meetings without opening my mouth. During those same two months I continued to act out. But the minute I told the group what I had been doing, the minute I admitted powerlessness over my compulsion, I felt relief. It was like lancing a wound. Afterward two guys came up to me and said they had the exact same addiction. Until then I felt totally alone. Now I know I'm not.