The number of people with herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2), which causes most cases of genital herpes, has increased thirty percent in the last twenty years. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than one in five American adolescents and adults are now infected-an estimated forty-five million people-and eighty to ninety percent of those infected do not know they have it. Below, Dr. Adam Stracher and Dr. Brian Boyle of the New York Presbyterian Hospital, Weill Cornell Medical Center discuss the symptoms and prevalence of HSV-2.

Q: What are the symptoms of genital herpes?
BRIAN BOYLE, MD: Genital herpes generally start with a blister-type rash that is itchy or painful, which then may progress, when the blisters break, into an ulcerative type of rash. If the rash is not treated, it may continue for a week or two.

Q: How prevalent is HSV-2?
BRIAN BOYLE, MD: Thirty to fifty percent of college-age kids these days have herpes. It is thought that approximately forty-five million people in the United States carry the virus.

Q: How many of those forty-five million people are symptomatic?
BRIAN BOYLE, MD: Probably twenty-five percent of those infected with herpes will never have any symptoms, and seventy-five percent have intermittent symptoms. That is, they may have a lesion that lasts a week or two but then goes away. Some people have a lesion every few weeks or so, and these episodes can be brought on by things such as stress or menstruation. Other people may go a year or two, or longer, without having a repeat of their lesions. So, it is variable.

Q: Why are some people symptomatic and others not?
ADAM STRACHER, MD: We do not completely understand why some people never develop symptoms. In this case, the concern is the risk of spread. The majority of the spread of herpes comes when people are not symptomatic. Also, those who do develop intermittent symptoms continue to shed virus even when they don't have any sores or lesions.

Q: When is herpes most contagious?
ADAM STRACHER, MD: It is definitely more contagious and infectious when people have lesions, but it is still contagious when people do not have lesions. It has been proven very recently that the majority of these infections are spread during the time when there are no symptoms or lesions.

Q: Why is the spread of herpes more common when people are not symptomatic?
ADAM STRACHER, MD: There is a misperception that you cannot spread herpes when you do not have lesions. Also, there may be months or years between symptomatic episodes, so the asymptomatic periods are far longer than the symptomatic times. Therefore, statistically, more people are infected in those periods simply because they are far longer periods of time.
BRIAN BOYLE, MD: Another reason why more people are infected during asymptomatic periods is that sex can be very painful with a lesion. For women, it not only affects the vulva, but it may also may affect the vagina. So people who have herpes lesions are less likely to be having sex..

Conclusion

Herpes has become one of the most common viral infections in the United States today, with half a million new cases diagnosed each year. The good news is that even though there is still no cure, treatment for herpes has improved significantly, and for many, herpes is a manageable nuisance. The wisest advice for the sexually active is this: use a condom. Laboratory studies have shown that the herpes virus does not pass through latex condoms. When properly used, latex condoms will reduce your risk of spreading or getting herpes.

Anxiety self-help is a type of anxiety management in which an individual experiencing anxiety takes charge of the condition and develops his or her own plan to get rid of anxiety. Rather than treatment prescribed by a doctor or under the guidance of a mental health professional, anxiety self-help involves techniques, skills, and activities chosen and managed by the person who is in the process of overcoming anxiety.

That said, self-help can be done within the context of other treatment. Someone might be under a doctor’s care and take medication but still engage in self-help activities to broaden the way he or she is treating anxiety.

Common Anxiety Self-Help Practices

Anxiety self-help practices are wide and varied. That’s one of the things that makes self-help approaches effective. There are many different approaches to choose from in order to reduce anxiety. No one practice is better than another.

No one will benefit from each type of practice, but most people will benefit from something. What works depends on such things as personal preferences, the nature of the anxiety, and life circumstances.

Some examples of common self-help practices are:

• Physical self-care such as relaxation techniques,
• Mental or emotional self-care such as accepting yourself,
• Building a toolbox of coping skills, exercises, and techniques for anxiety relief,
• Nutritional approaches like diet, herbs, and supplements for anxiety,
• Meditation and mindfulness techniques,
• Changing thoughts,
• Bibliotherapy—reading books and articles about anxiety and anxiety reduction,
• Replacing anxiety with purpose.

In addition to wondering what anxiety self-help is and what some common practices are, people often have other questions about self-help for anxiety. The following frequently asked questions might answer some of your own questions:

Can Anyone Practice Self-Help for Anxiety?

Each and every one of us has unique strengths and traits that allow us to take the lead in our own lives. Everyone can indeed practice self-help for anxiety. However, that doesn’t mean that everyone will do the same things or that the results will be the same.

People are complex, and something that helps lower one person’s anxiety might not help the next person at all. Anxiety is complex, too. There are different anxiety disorders, and each of them can impact people with different intensities and in slightly different ways. Further, people can experience bothersome anxiety without having a diagnosable disorder. Anyone can engage in anxiety self-help, but the experience will be different for everyone.

It is for this reason that there are so many different anxiety self-help practices. Everyone, because there are so many different types of anxiety self-help practices, has the opportunity to try different approaches and design a custom self-help plan to beat anxiety.

Can Anyone Benefit from Anxiety Self-Help Practices?

Everyone can use self-help methods to reduce anxiety. Does that automatically mean that everyone will benefit from them? Most people will benefit, but not necessarily everyone will see a satisfactory reduction in anxiety. Severe anxiety disorders typically require medication and/or regular therapy with a professional mental health care provider.

That’s not to say that self-help practices won’t work for people experiencing severe anxiety. Self-help techniques done along with professional help can be very effective, all of the types of treatment enhancing the others. This applies even to people experiencing less intense forms of anxiety. Sometimes self-help techniques can be enough for anxiety recovery, and sometimes they need to be combined with other treatments. Instead of being one-size-fits-all, anxiety treatments, including self-help practices, are highly individualized.

Do I Need to Tell My Doctor about My Anxiety Self-Help Practices?

People and self-help techniques are complex. If someone has an underlying medical condition, is taking medication, or has physical limitations, certain self-help practices could be dangerous. It’s wise to consult a doctor before beginning any self-help program or plan. Doing so will help keep you safe and healthy.

When Can I Expect Results from My Anxiety Self-Help Practices?

Anxiety is annoying at best and life-limiting, even paralyzing, at worst. It's natural to want it gone from your life immediately. There isn’t a single anxiety treatment, however, that works instantly. Whether someone is taking medication, engaging in therapy, practicing anxiety self-help, or doing any combination of these anxiety treatment approaches, overcoming anxiety takes time.

The empowering thing about anxiety self-help practices is that you are actively doing something, on your own, every single day, to take your life back from anxiety. Progress is sometimes slow, but doing something, taking action that you’ve chosen, takes some power away from anxiety and puts it with you. Any approach, self-help or otherwise, takes time, regular practice, patience, and persistence—all things that come from you.

Anxiety self-help allows you to consistently take small steps, little actions, to reduce your anxiety. The beauty of self-help for anxiety is that not only do your actions weaken anxiety’s power, they strengthen your own inner power.

article references

What problem? A lack of sexual desire is no stranger among us. It is the most common sexual condition in America—some 25 percent of us suffer from it.

KELLY SEEMED TO HAVE IT ALL. A LOVING MOTHER of three and a public-relations executive in Manhattan, she had a handsome and charming partner who was a successful entrepreneur. They jetted off for vacations in the Caribbean and dined in the finest restaurants. But their relationship floundered in one intractable area.

"After a while," Kelly says, "he just stopped wanting to have sex. He'd go months without even touching me."

It's a subject that's full of shame: low sex drive. When your partner has no interest in sex despite your best efforts, it's easy to become perplexed. And without guidance, partners may characterize the problem in ways that can destroy the relationship.

In a society saturated with sexual imagery, it seems strange that some people have no desire for sex. But it is a startlingly common problem. Millions of people suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD)--about 25 percent of all Americans, by one estimate, or a third of women and a fifth of men. Sex researchers and therapists now recognize it as the most common sexual problem.

In recent years, experts have turned their attention to the causes of HSD, and sex therapists are working on strategies to treat it. Although there is a 50 percent positive outcome in treatment, many of those who have HSD don't seek help. This is usually because they don't realize it's a problem, other issues in the relationship seem more important or they feel ashamed.

Many couples in conflict may have an underlying problem with sexual desire. When desire fades in one partner, other things start to fall apart.

How little is too little?

For Pam, happily married and in her forties, her once healthy sexual desire simply disappeared about six months ago. "I don't know what has happened to my sexual appetite," she says, "but it is like someone turned it off at the switch." She and her husband still have sex, maybe once every few weeks, but she does it out of obligation, not enthusiasm.

"I used to enjoy sex," Pam says. "Now there's a vital part of me that's missing."

Ordinary people aren't in a constant state of sexual desire. Everyday occurrences--fatigue, job stress, even the common cold--can drive away urges for lovemaking. Usually, however, spending romantic time with a partner, having sexual thoughts or seeing stimulating images can lead to arousal and the return of a healthy sex drive.

Yet for some people, desire never returns--or was never there to begin with. Frequently, even healthy sexual fantasies are virtually nonexistent in some people who suffer from HSD.

Just how little sex is too little? Sometimes, when a partner complains of not having enough sex, his problem may actually be an unusually high sex drive. Experts agree that there is no daily minimum requirement of sexual activity. In a recent British survey, published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 24 percent of couples reported having no sex in the previous three months. And the classic study, Sex in America, found that one-third of couples had sex just a few times a year. Although the studies report frequency of sex, not desire, it's likely that one partner in these couples has HSD.

One tiny pill

Four years ago, another sexual problem--erectile dysfunction--received a sudden burst of attention when a medical "cure" hit the shelves. Before came along, men with physically based problems suffered impotence in silence, and without much hope. Now many couples enjoy a renewed reservoir of passion.

Obviously, any pill that relieves hypoactive sexual desire would be wildly popular. Unfortunately, the causes of HSD seem to be complex and varied; some sufferers might be treated with a simple pill, but most will likely need therapy--not chemistry.

One common source of reduced desire is the use of antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. SSRIs have been found to all but eliminate desire in some patients. Antidepressants such as Prozac (Fluoxetine) and are among the most widely prescribed drugs for treating depression. Yet one distressing side effect is a drop in sex drive. Some studies indicate that as many as 50 percent of people on SSRIs suffer from a markedly reduced sex drive.

Researchers believe that SSRIs quash the libido by flooding the bloodstream with serotonin, a chemical that signals satiety. "The more you bathe people in serotonin, the less they need to be sexual," says Joseph Marzucco, MSPAC, a sex therapist practicing in Portland, Oregon. "SSRIs can just devastate sexual desire."

Fortunately, researchers are studying antidepressants that act through other channels. Bupropion hydrochloride (Wellbutrin), which enhances the brain's production of the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine, has received extra attention as a substitute for SSRIs. Early studies suggest that it may actually increase sexual desire in test subjects. A study reported last year in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that nearly one-third of participants who took bupropion reported more desire, arousal and fantasy.

---

It's all in your head

Physiological problems can also lead to a loss of sexual desire. Men with abnormal pituitary glands can overproduce the hormone prolactin, which usually turns off the sex drive. As reported in a recent issue of the International Journal of Impotence Research, tests of a drug that blocks prolactin found it increased the libido in healthy males.

In women, some experts believe that one cause of weak sexual desire is, ironically, low testosterone levels. Normally associated with brawny, deep-voiced men, testosterone is a hormone with a definite masculine identity. But women also make small amounts of it in their ovaries, and it plays an important role in their sexual lives. Without a healthy level of testosterone in the blood, some researchers believe, women are unable to properly respond to sexual stimuli. Furthermore, there is anecdotal evidence that testosterone supplements can restore the sex drive in women.n.

Rosemary Basson, M.D., of the Vancouver Hospital and Health Sciences Center in British Columbia, however, cautions that too little is known about the role testosterone plays in women. "We don't even know how much testosterone is normal," Basson says. "The tests designed for men can't pick up the levels found in women."

In one study suggesting that HSD is more psychological than physiological, Basson and her colleagues tested the effects of Viagra on women who reported arousal problems. Basson found that while the drug generally produced the physical signals of sexual arousal, many women reported that they still didn't feel turned on.n.

Indeed, many psychologists and sex therapists believe that most patients with HSD have sound bodies and troubled relationships. The clinical experience of Weeks has shown that two factors identified in a relationship can, over time, devastate the sex drive: chronically suppressed anger toward the partner and a lack--or loss--of control over the relationship. And once these issues threaten a healthy sex drive, lack of intimacy can aggravate the problems further. Without help, these issues can balloon until the relationship itself is seriously damaged. And, consequently, HSD becomes further entrenched.

Lacking the desire for desire

Although HSD is one of the most difficult to address of all sexual problems, it can be treated successfully. The key is to find a highly qualified sex and marital therapist who has experience in dealing with it. Unfortunately, while HSD is the most common problem that sex therapists see, millions of cases go untreated.

Some people who lack desire are just too embarrassed to seek help, especially men. Others are so focused on immediate concerns--such as a stressful job or a family crisis--that they put off dealing with the loss of a healthy libido. Still others have become so used to having no sex drive that they no longer miss it; they lack the desire for desire. These people represent the most severe cases--the hardest to treat.

Some people who don't get treatment find ways to adjust. "Thank goodness my husband is so patient and caring," Pam says. "He tries to spark interest, but when it is not ignited he'll settle for cuddling and caressing."

Other relationships can't survive the strain. After a year, Kelly and her boyfriend broke up. "I couldn't convince him that it was a problem," she says, "but it was."

FOR MEN ONLY

It's a paradox: Men are generally characterized as being ready, willing and able for sex at just about any moment of the day or night. But recent surveys show that up to 20 percent of men report little or no sexual desire. And the stereotype of the horny male makes it difficult for men with HSD to get to a healthy level of desire. Instead of getting stuck in a self-perpetuating loop of comparing one's own desire to the stereotype, men can try these techniques:

* LINKING INTIMACY AND SEX

There are plenty of men who boldly--and coldly--go from one conquest to the next. For them, sex is just sex. But many men don't feel this way. In fact, quite a few need to work their way up from zero. One way to get going is to link sex with intimacy. A walk on a quiet beach or caressing in front of a fireplace can eventually lead to lovemaking. Even more important is sharing a feeling of closeness and providing genuine emotional support. Satisfying a partner in this way can build a sense of accomplishment--and trust--that can help lead to increased desire.

* DON'T LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER

Sexy clothing, dim lighting, and suggestive play should get men in the mood. But rather than turn men with HSD on, the extra attention can backfire. Trying to force your partner into the mood can result in anxiety and frustration for both of you.

Sometimes the best way for men to get around this block is to look for the underlying problem. Going slowly, without pressure, and getting professional help can point you toward a solution.

---

* BAHISH PESSIMISM

After a while, one may wonder if desire will ever return. And sometimes, heartfelt attempts at change--even through therapy--can lead nowhere.

Don't give up. Getting past HSD often takes months, and sometimes years. A sex therapist may be needed to help guide a couple in building intimacy. And it takes work to deal with the issues that have suppressed desire. But this sort of work can result in a stronger overall relationship--and lead to desires and pleasures long forgotten.

FOR WOMEN ONLY

Some women blame their hormones; others fault their upbringing. But for women struggling with h HSD, it's hard not to blame themselves. They shouldn't. Desire can't be turned on with a switch. For women who find themselves without desire, guilt from themselves or their partners can often make things worse. Instead of playing the blame game, try these solutions:

* WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP

Sex therapists agree that the level of a woman's sexual desire is often determined by how comfortable she is in her relationship. If she isn't sure about what her partner thinks of her--or how much she can trust him--the level of desire may plummet. Underlying problems with intimacy--such as fear of losing control or being controlled, rejection and conflicts leading to resentment--can suppress desire.

Sometimes, experts suggest spending more time together and away from the roles of everyday life. Try, for example, a sight-seeing outing, a bicycle ride or just dinner and a movie. When both partners can get out of their routines, they may well rediscover the joys of spending time together. Simple steps like these can help restore confidence in a relationship.

* BROADEN THE DEFINITION OF SEX

When it comes to sex, intercourse is the entire focus for many men. Unfortunately, too many women buy into this idea, as well. And for women with HSD, this intercourse-or-nothing outlook can create real barriers.

How about a full-body massage? Or a good foot rub? There are many ways partners can please each other without the pressure of having intercourse. And once a woman gets a taste for these pleasures, it can build into a desire for more traditional physical sex..

* IT'S OK TO FANTASIZE

To some women, fantasizing about sex with someone other than their partner is a betrayal. But fantasy and behavior aren't the same things. Experts agree that a healthy fantasy life is a way to build up sexual desire. So go ahead: close your eyes and dream of Brad Pitt.

* CREATE A SEXUAL ENVIRONMENT

Instead of waiting to stumble over sexual desire, women with HSD can work to create a more sexual mental environment. Take time to think about sex, how to build up a better sex life, or even to plan naughty sexual encounters with your partner. Often, a little proactive thinking will prime the pump of desire, leading to a more receptive state later.

ADDICTED TO SEX

If you think the media is sex-obsessed, take note: Even psychologists have a decidedly pro-sex bias. For proof, look no further than the "bible" of the psychological profession, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM.

Psychologists use the definitions in the DSM as a means of diagnosing--and treating--mental health problems. The DSM provides a three-part clinical definition for hypoactive sexual desire:

* Persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. The judgment of deficiency or absence is made by the clinician, taking into account factors that affect sexual functioning, such as age and the context of the person's life.

* The disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.

* The sexual dysfunction is not better accounted for by another disorder (except another sexual dysfunction) and is not due exclusively to the direct physiological effects of a substance (a drug or medication) or a general medical condition.

If having little or no sexual desire is a problem, what about wanting too much sex? The term "sexual addiction" was coined a few years back to describe people with an obsessive sex drive. Yet according to the DSM, wanting too much sex isn't a problem. No diagnosis for sexual addiction is described in its pages.

That doesn't jibe with the experience of mental health professionals, who see people coming into their offices displaying symptoms of out-of-control sexual desire. And according to Robin Cato, executive director of the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (NCSAC) in Atlanta, the lack of DSM acknowledgment hinders attempts to help such patients. "Without a DSM listing, few insurance companies are going to pay for treatment," Cato notes.

Not all professionals are enthusiastic about the movement to make sex addiction a disorder; some dismiss the effort as financially motivated. Michael Ross, Ph.D., a professor of public health at the University of Texas and the past president of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, doubts that the evidence is all in."Sexual addiction," says Ross, "does not meet the criteria for a classic addiction."

READ MORE ABOUT IT:

Hypoactive Sexual Desire: Integrating Sex and Couple Therapy, Gerald Weeks, Ph.D., and Nancy Gambescia, Ph.D. (Norton, 2002)

Gerald Weeks, Ph.D., A.B.S., is a professor of counseling at the University of Nevada in Las Vegas and a board certified sex therapist of the American Board of Sexology.

Jeffrey Winters, formerly with Discover magazine, is a science writer based in New York.

If you’ve ever lamented, “I can’t stop thinking about my anxiety,” take heart. You’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you or the way your mind thinks. This is a common complaint among anxiety sufferers. It happens because anxiety is so all-consuming that it pushes itself to the forefront of our thoughts. It doesn’t have to stay that way. Keep reading to discover how to stop thinking about your anxiety.

Chances are, if you are frustrated by the fact that you keep thinking about anxiety and your anxiety symptoms, you are aware of your thoughts. Congratulations. Believe it or not, knowing that you’re thinking about your anxiety is an important first step in stopping negative thoughts. According to Stephen Hayes (2007), over time, we merge with our thoughts so that they become the center of who we think we are; consequently, we start to see the world and ourselves through our thoughts. Our thoughts are our lens for seeing things.

With anxiety so prominent, we naturally think about it seemingly constantly. Knowing that we’re doing this is an important step as you learn to stop thinking about anxiety. The awareness allows you to proceed to the below tips.

Practice Self-Care to Stop Thinking About Anxiety

When you begin to take care of your whole self, “you become the leader of your thoughts, not the follower of your fears” (Tristan, 2012, p. 62). When we keep thinking about anxiety, we do see the world through anxiety, and worry and fears tend to take over. Practicing self-care strengthens us to take back our thoughts.

Paying attention to what you eat and drink to provide your brain and body with proper nutrition gives brain, and thus mind, a boost (there are even foods that help with anxiety and vitamins for anxiety to try). Proper sleep helps, as does regular exercise. When we are physically well, we are less vulnerable to succumbing to experiences like anxiety, stress, and depression; further, we can stand up to our thoughts and stop thinking about anxiety.

Think of Popeye. To equip himself to fight off his nemeses, he ate well and sang, “I’m strong to the finish ‘cause I eats me spinach. I’m Popeye the sailor man!” He powered up, and he knew who he was. He didn’t think about anxiety but moved forward toward his goals. Channel your inner Popeye.

Be a Distant Observer

Constantly thinking about anxiety entraps us. We become tangled in our anxiety so much that it’s difficult to free ourselves and our thoughts. Difficult, yes, but not impossible. In reality, you are not your anxiety. This fact is helpful as you stop thinking about anxiety.

Begin to just observe yourself and your thoughts from a distance. When you are aware of your thoughts about anxiety, you can catch them. Tell yourself, without judging or berating, “I’m thinking about my anxiety.” Then, intentionally shift your thoughts to something else. This might seem unnatural at first, but with repeated practice, you’ll not only find it easier, you’ll find that you need to do less and less (How to Use Meditation for Anxiety and Panic Attacks).

Being a distant observer combines well with meditation. When you sit in quiet meditation, you can simply let your thoughts come and go. When you notice yourself thinking about anxiety, point it out non-judgmentally to yourself and let it float away. Again, at first your entire meditation session might involve doing this, and that’s okay. It’s part of the process.

How to Stop Thinking About Anxiety: Create a Calm Mind Plan

Borrowing from the idea of a Life Stability Plan (Imparato, 2016), you can create a calm mind plan. This is a plan for replacing thoughts about anxiety with positive affirmations for anxiety relief, which bring a sense of contentment.

As you create your plan of thoughts and action, think of who you are at your core, beyond anxiety. What brings you joy? What induces a sense of peace despite anxiety? What are your strengths? Interests? Use what you love to take the necessary action to replace your thoughts about anxiety with thoughts about the good in your life.

Consider the following elements for your calm mind plan:

• What self-care practices can you incorporate into your everyday life?
• What are some positive activities that you enjoy? Make a list and do at least one thing daily.
• How can you cultivate a sense of awe, an appreciation for something greater, something beautiful that captures your attention and thoughts? Examples include stargazing, water (rivers, oceans, small fountains, etc.), art, music, and much more. Awe “clears away inner turmoil with a wave of outer immensity” (Flora, 2016, p. 52).
• Get outside. Nature calms mind and body and reduces stress. Both soothing and invigorating, nature shifts our thoughts away from anxiety.

Self-care, being a distant observer of your thoughts, and creating a calm mind plan are intentional actions that enhance each other. Together, they comprise an effective plan for how to stop thinking about your anxiety.

article references

Negative thoughts are one of the hallmarks of anxiety. It’s natural to want to know how to get rid of them because negative thoughts interfere in our ability to live the life we want. Anxiety and negative thoughts are an evil duo that strengthen each other in order to make us miserable. They may strengthen each other, but we are stronger. When we learn how to deal with them, we can get rid of them.

Thought experts from many different disciplines, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), meditation and yoga advise us of the power of our thoughts. It’s what we think about ourselves and the world around us, not actual events in our lives, that aggravate anxiety (Bourne, 2010; Burns, 1999; Imparato, 2016; Mindell & Hopkins, 2009).

You can get rid of negative thoughts and anxiety. It starts with neutral observation.

Anxiety and Thoughts: Observing Your Thoughts and Yourself

Your brain both thinks and observes. With anxiety, the thinking part of the brain seems to completely take over; not only that but thoughts are often predominately negative. Our thinking self analyzes, worries, judges, and has a host of automatic negative thought patterns that contribute to anxiety.

We also have an observing self (Harris, 2008). That part of our brain simply exists. It watches and is aware of both our inner and outer worlds, but it doesn’t analyze, critique, or judge. It is aware of anxiety’s negative thoughts; however, it doesn’t buy into them.

Developing our observing, neutral perspective can help get rid of the negative thoughts of anxiety. This is a learned skill, and with practice we can untangle ourselves from our thoughts, thus reducing their impact and creating space to live well.

Observe Negative Thoughts That Contribute to Anxiety

Specific types of negative thoughts contribute to anxiety. David Burns (1999) shares negative thought patterns, the identification of which is part of CBT.

• All-or-nothing thinking (black-or-white thinking): viewing people, events, and more as one extreme or another;
• Overgeneralization: thinking in terms of “always” or “never;”
• Mental filter: filtering out the positive and dwelling on the negative;
• Discounting the positive: noticing the positive but dismissing it as an exception;
• Jumping to conclusions: automatically assuming the worst;
• Magnification: exaggerating the negative and placing too much importance on it;
• Emotional reasoning: letting negative emotions be in charge;
• “Should” statements: imposing rules on yourself;
• Labeling: using negative words and concepts to describe yourself.
• Personalization or blame: Thinking things are your fault or someone else’s fault.

When you become aware of these, you can begin to step back and just observe the thoughts. They’re there, but you don’t have to believe them.

Observe Self-Talk

Words and language have a huge role in anxiety. If we want calming thoughts for anxiety, we need to pay attention to our inner language, the way we talk to ourselves. When we’re constantly berating ourselves, saying things like “I’m an idiot,” or “I’m going to fail,” or “I’m a terrible parent,” we become worried and anxious.

Observation makes us aware of the way we talk to ourselves. Once we know that negative self-talk is behind anxiety, we can become quiet and listen for it. Once we start catching that negative self-talk, we can call it out and get rid of it.

Getting Rid of Negative Thoughts and Anxiety

You now know one important step in dealing with anxiety and our thoughts: observation. The second important step is to replace your negative thoughts with positive, realistic ones.

To merely get rid of thoughts without having something to fill in the gap doesn’t work. Without something new, the brain will go right back to its old thoughts.

Try these tips for getting rid of and replacing negative thoughts that provoke your anxiety:

• Observe your negative thoughts and self-talk.
• Reflect, such as in journaling or artistic exploration, on your inaccurate beliefs.
• Question them and make changes to them, For example, you’re probably not incompetent. What are your strengths, and where do you have success (Five Character Strengths of People Living with Anxiety)?
• Create statements that realistically counter your negative thoughts and self-talk. Such positive statements are known as affirmations, and repeating them multiple times every day teaches your brain to get rid of the negative thoughts and replace them with more realistic, positive ones.
• Practice mindfulness, being present in the moment. Concentrate on what’s happening around you to distract yourself from the negative thoughts.
• Cultivate a sense of awe and gratitude. Connecting to things that are bigger than you, than all of us, is a natural way to counter negative thoughts and anxiety (Flora, 2016).

Increasing your awareness of your thoughts and self-talk is quite empowering because you no longer feel at the mercy of anxiety. When you observe what’s going on in your head and then replace it with thoughts and beliefs that are much more accurate than the automatic thoughts, you are on your way to getting rid of these negative thoughts and anxiety.

article references

A phobia is an unreasonable fear of a situation or an object. Some common phobias are fear of social situations, fear of flying, fear of heights, and fear of snakes. There are many other kinds of phobias. People can develop an unreasonable fear of almost anything. People have reported fear of AIDS, fear of the number thirteen, fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth, and many other fears. Most fears have some basis in reality. For instance, if you know someone with AIDS, you may develop a phobia about HIV and AIDS. Or if you almost drowned once, you may develop a phobia about water. If your father was afraid of enclosed spaces, you may have learned that fear from him. A fear is not considered a phobia until it causes you distress or it causes problems in your life somehow. If you are afraid of tidal waves but you spend your whole life in Kansas, it will probably not be a real problem. If you are afraid of heights and you get a job on the top floor of a high-rise building, it will be a problem.

There are many excellent treatments available for phobias. These usually involve specific behavioral techniques. These treatments are performed by mental health professionals with training in this area. One type of treatment is called flooding. This involves practically overloading the person with whatever it is that person is afraid of. One technique is called exposure with response prevention, which is a milder version of flooding. Desensitization gets people slowly used to the idea of the feared object or situation. All of these involve teaching the person that he or she can be around the situation or the object. Usually, the fear reaches a certain point and eventually decreases. These techniques take advantage of that fact. Hypnosis can also be very helpful in treating phobias. Certain medications, called beta blockers, can help in treating social phobia. Other medicines are often used to control the anxiety people get when they confront their phobias.

Sometimes people with phobias will go to great lengths to work around the phobia. Someone with a fear of AIDS may insist on testing and re-testing for HIV just because they were in the same room as someone who is gay. But it is much easier to get the right treatment instead. Do not feel silly about asking for help. Everyone is afraid of something!

If you're involved in online dating, your personal safety could be at risk. Here are essential online dating safety tips to make your online dating experience a safe one.

Are all the guys around not at all interesting?

Are the women at the bars driving you nuts?

DON'T BE FOOLED! THERE ARE RISKS!

Have you found someone interesting on-line to chat with?

You are a part of a growing number of young men and women who are tired of the same old dating scene and have turned to the internet to find someone new. After all, the community accessible on-line is much bigger than the local campus and it seems as though meeting someone on-line is safer than picking up just anyone in a bar.

The following are things to be aware of:

HONESTY - Everyone is aware that people may misrepresent themselves on-line. As one site put it, 90% of men in on-line dating services report that they are 6' or taller, but only 19% of males are actually 6' or taller. You do the math. Either men who date on-line are a unique subset of the population or someone wants to be a little taller.

Remedy:

• Use services which require pictures.
• Ask them to send you several pictures through snail mail (to a different address or P.O. Box).

PRIVACY - Now, you want them to be honest with you, so you should be honest with them, right?

DON'T disclose:

• phone number
• address
• actual email address (use Hotmail or another free email service)

Also, watch out that your personal signature lines on those services do not include the personal information you are trying to guard.

HOW DO I KNOW THEY'RE LEGIT?

• On-line services to do background checks.
• Ask the person if they'd be willing for you to contact some personal references. If the woman says she works for some company, go online and check out their reference.
• Make sure that you have numerous contacts with the individual prior to agreeing to meet in person. This should include several contacts of different sorts, including phone or snail mail.

The Big Meeting

So, you think you've met your match. You've checked him out and allowed him to check you out. You have sent pictures and email and snail mail and talked on the phone.

 

Local:

• Just as with a blind date, let someone know where you are and whom you are with. Better yet, bring them along and have them be in the same restaurant to keep their eyes peeled.
• Meet in a public place.
• Carry your cell or pager and have someone page you at a certain time. Let your date know you did that. Tell your friend if you don't answer, they should worry.
• Take your own car or cab.
• If things get uncomfortable, leave (even if it's through the back door).

Distance:

• Be sure that you want to meet in another town, particularly at the expense. You may want to continue calling or writing. If that expense saves you the heartache of a bad experience, it's worth it.
• Meet on your home turf if you can. This, of course, follows the above guidelines of a public place and such.
• If you meet them at their place, don't stay with them. Get a hotel elsewhere and arrange your own transportation. Again the expense of that is worth the safety. Don't tell them where you are staying.

Engaging in relaxation techniques for anxiety really does help relax your mind and body. Such techniques are purposeful exercises done intentionally and regularly to effectively reduce anxiety. If you’ve ever been told by a well-meaning but misguided person to “just relax, and everything will be fine,” you may be skeptical of any claim that relaxing helps anxiety or that relaxation is even possible when you have anxiety.

Relaxation techniques go far beyond the words “just relax.” Numerous studies (Bourne, 2010) have demonstrated that regularly practicing relaxation helps the brain and body. Not only do heart and respiration rate decrease, so do blood pressure, muscle tension, and metabolism. Further, anxiety, stress, and even the intensity and frequency of panic attacks decrease. Relaxation increases alpha waves, the brain waves associated with a relaxed mind relatively free of unwanted thoughts. Teaching yourself to relax when you have anxiety will help you decrease anxiety in both the short- and long term.

Tips for Using Relaxation Techniques for Anxiety

To help you get the most out of relaxation exercises, keep a few important things in mind.

• Be patient with yourself. Sadly, relaxation isn’t a natural human state of existence. People intentionally learn how to relax with anxiety, and you can, too.
• Start slowly. Begin with short relaxation sessions, even just a few minutes at first and gradually increase as you go.
• Don’t force it. It’s not uncommon for people to impose rules and expectations onto themselves, believing they “should” be able to relax. This actually prevents relaxation.
• Similarly, let go of the need to control how a particular technique works or how a given session goes. Just let it be. That alone helps relaxation.
• Relaxation is learned, which means it takes practice. To fully benefit, practice some form of relaxation daily, even if it’s not very long. The ideal relaxation period is 20-30 minutes (Bourne, 2010), but that isn’t rigid.

Following these guidelines will improve your relaxation practices, which in turn decrease anxiety.

How to Relax Your Body and Mind from Anxiety: Relaxation Techniques

• Engage in simple deep breathing, inhaling slowly through the nose and exhaling slowly through the mouth.
• Breathe into your tension. Notice areas of tension and tightness in your body. As you inhale deeply, imagine your breath flowing into these areas. Exhale slowly, relaxing and releasing the tension. You can repeat a word or a phrase as you exhale, such as “relax.”
• Visualize a calm setting to induce relaxation and reduce anxiety. Choose a scene that is inviting and calming. You can imagine a place in your mind or look at a picture. Nature settings are commonly used because they induce relaxation, but anything that brings you peace works. Breathe deeply while you imagine or study the image. Let yourself get lost in it. When your mind wanders, just gently return your attention to the peaceful setting.
• Use guided imagery. Here, you visualize a calm setting, but someone, either a live person or a voice on a guided relaxation track, guide you through a visualization exercise.
• Progressive muscle relaxation involves tensing and releasing muscle groups in the body. Start with your feet, and work your way up to your head. You can do this on your own or with a guided track.
• Passive muscle relaxation is similar to progressive muscle relaxation but without the tightening component. With passive muscle relaxation, you scan your body from feet to head and just visualize each muscle group relaxing.
• Listen to calming music. Listening to gentle music or nature sounds that calm you has tangible relaxation and anxiety-reducing effects.
• Meditate. Meditation is a powerful anxiety-reducer. Practice meditation, and you’ll learn how to relax with anxiety. In a very basic form, mediation involves sitting comfortably and quietly, closing your eyes, and breathing slowly and deeply. Anxious thoughts might race, but that’s okay. Just notice them, let them drift away, and return your mind to your breathing. Having thoughts isn’t a problem. Getting caught up in them, struggling with them, is what prevents relaxation.
• Use biofeedback. Unlike the other relaxation techniques, biofeedback must be practiced with a trained professional. However, if you can find a practitioner, biofeedback is a proven way to induce relaxation because it increases the brain’s alpha waves. In biofeedback, you’re attached to a machine that painlessly reads your brain activity and provides feedback regarding when your alpha waves increase and decrease. You can look for patterns and do more of what increases your alpha waves.

With these relaxation techniques for anxiety, you’ve seen how to relax your mind and body in order to reduce anxiety. Relaxation helps you feel less anxious in the moment, and it helps you have a more relaxed, less anxious, state of existence overall.

article references

We've all done it, and some of us do it over and over again. What leads lesbian and gay grown-ups to abandon reason and pursue the sexually unobtainable?

1 EVERYONE IS STRAIGHT To paraphrase Harvey Fierstein in Torch Song Trilogy, we live in a world where every movie, every TV show, and every billboard tells us we're straight. Heck, even the flagrantly homoerotic Abercrombie & Fitch ads toss in a bikini-clad woman for every 10 buff shiftless dudes, lest we think the fellas aren't hankering for female companionship. With such a thick coat of heterosexual whitewash splashed over every sexual image, it takes a powerfully queer imagination--and sometimes many nights at Crazy Nanny's or the Spike, or years in therapy--to construct an object of desire that's truly our own, fully hetero-free.

Every time some gossip rag talks about how "no man can resist" J. Lo's derriere or how "women everywhere" are swooning over Ashton Kutcher, it's a reminder that for a shocking number of people in this culture, gay people just don't exist. Who else are we supposed to find attractive when we're living in a gay-free zone?

2 EVERYONE CAN BE HAD Straight people are just like Tootsie Pops, and it's just a matter of time before you get to their chewy gay center. Right?

Some gay people take the slow, wear-down-the-straight-object-of-your-affection approach: flirting, teasing, touching, and telephoning until--they hope--the other person gives in. Others, like the Tootsie Pop-crunching Mr. Owl, go right in for the kill: After all, who has the patience to wait around?

The myth of the "do-able" hetero--or its twin fable, the deep closet case just waiting for the right same-sex key to unlock them--is everywhere in gay culture. Whispers of Marlene Dietrich's seduction of straight women and outright boasting from the likes of Truman Capote and Joe Orton morph into soft-focus gay romances like Desert Hearts or Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss, in which heterosexuality is tossed aside in the third act and "You know you want it" is revealed as the ultimate truth.

Of course, some people who say they're straight really do want it (because they're not really straight), and some hets are willing to be led for a walk on the wild side if the invitation comes from the right person at the right moment. So some straight-chasers win, some lose, and some end up with black eyes. But the next time you set your sight on some hetero eye candy, ask yourself something first: What kind of opposite-sex invitation would you need to make you switch teams?

3 WE SAW THEM FIRST What stirs in us our first same-sex attractions, our first crushes? For most budding gay and lesbian kids becoming aware of their sexuality, it's the straight schoolmates who surround them. As the wise devil Hannibal Lecter said in The Silence of the Lambs, we begin by coveting what we see every day. A quick glance at the person next to you in the locker room or a late-night conversation about sex during a sleepover with a best friend--those experiences confirmed for us what we wanted and whom we would become.

But for many of us, those moments also confirmed the fear that we were the only ones like ourselves, since as far as we knew, every object of our burning desire was straight. As adults we learn that's not the case, but the allure of that initial magnetism is difficult to shake, and it's bound to haunt our dreams and fantasies for the rest of our lives.

4 THEY LOVE THE ATTENTION Straight people, like all of us, enjoy being lifted onto an ardent admirer's pedestal. With that in mind, some of them know that there's a wealth of wooing to be had if they flirt-even if only ever so slightly--with their gay friends. A straight lipstick-lesbian look-alike will lean in and coo, "What's it really like to be with a lady?" Or your married racquetball partner at the gym will declare between serves, "You look pretty good in those shorts."

Purr back "Divine" if you want. Compliment him back if you care to. But keep in mind that you always hold the power in these plays for attention. As soon as you misread fishing for compliments as fishing for a fling, that power shifts to the straight person, and you may find yourself hooked on your own line.

5 THEY'RE THE "REAL THING" Call it gender stereotyping or internalized homophobia or whatever you like, but the socially accepted definitions of man and woman have been heterosexualized for millennia, with the occasional Greek vase or Michelangelo statue as the exceptions that prove the role. What does "straight-acting" mean if not that heterosexuals own the patent on men who are masculine and women who are feminine? As for the fags and dykes, well, they're gay-acting: swishy men and gals with power tools--people who just aren't living up to their sex. And don't let anyone try to tell you "But of course, there's nothing wrong with that," because if they have to say it, it's too late. The damage is done.

So if you're a self-respecting 'mo looking to hook up, it shouldn't surprise anyone that your sexual ideal is colored by the endless Kulturkampf over gender roles. If you want a real man or a real woman--and what gay person wouldn't?--they have to be straight, by definition.

It may take some effort for gays and lesbians to embrace our inner sissy boy and bull dagger, but that's the best first step in shedding our fantasy life of culturally imposed restrictions. After all, much of the time "straight-acting" is also just plain straight. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

6 IT'S SAFE That assertion seems counterintuitive, but it's often true: Chasing after the straight ones gives us all the pleasures of fixation without the danger of consummation, the risks of a relationship. As long as we can avoid getting creamed for making unwanted passes, idolizing the unavailable is the gay and lesbian equivalent of Lisa Simpson's Non-Threatening Boys magazine. It's lasciviousness without follow-through. It's the safest sex possible: impossible sex. And for anyone in the fear-of-commitment camp, what better dodge from "I do" is there than "I'm attracted only to straights"?

7 ATTRACTION KNOWS NO BOUNDS If you see a hot number across the room or down the street, it's probably not the person's sexual orientation that first got your attention. Given enough time and psychic bruises, we may train ourselves to follow the Wow! of sex appeal with the sobering But wait: Straight or gay? If straight, never mind. But even then, our eyes linger and the longing remains.

Sexual allure knows no logic. If a person sets off your particular, inexplicable sexual radar, you're likely to lean over to your pal with little hesitation and say, "Check out that one: Yum!"--or your own more moderated equivalent ("Babe at 3 o'clock ..."). Only after our engines are revved up do we take the time to consider the other person's sexual orientation.

Thankfully, this works both ways. Certainly, there are countless straight men and women out there ogling the bodies of gay men and lesbians without giving any thought to their sexual orientation--and straights are just beginning to know the instant letdown of the appearance of a significant other of the wrong sex. (Think of that karaoke scene in Chasing Amy when Ben Affleck thinks that Joey Lauren Adams is singing to him, only to have sexy Carmen Lee join her onstage for a hot kiss.) The upside is that even if we can't all hit the sack together, we can still enjoy all the sights.

8 WE'RE LOOKING FOR NORMAL In a world where there's Halle Berry, your dad might say, it just doesn't seem normal for a guy to be hung up on Adrien Brody. And why would a girl want to trade blood vials with Angelina Jolie when she can exchange rings with her own personal Matt Damon? It's one of the most frustrating things about being queer--when folks like clergy or family try to make you explain it, you can't. Love is a mystery. So when some well-meaning person assures you, "You just haven't met the right guy/girl yet," part of you feels like they might actually be telling the truth. That's how the trouble starts. The land of everyone else's normal may not be the home at the end of your world, but they do such a sales job for it from the moment we're born that we may start to buy in.

You meet somebody of the opposite sex; they're charming and funny and attractive; you hit it off. There's even a bit of sexual sizzle in the air. Now you start to wonder, Could this be the one? The man or woman they kept telling me would came along? Before you know it, you're deep in a daydream in which you get married, have children, move to a small town, and join the Kiwanis Club. Everybody likes you. You fit in. You're normal.

Hey. Snap out of it. This daydream might be normal--if you're straight. Otherwise, Far From Heaven, here we come. Stop wondering whether you want to join a club that would have somebody like you as a member. You've paid your dues already.

9 IT'S THE LURE OF THE FORBIDDEN There's a reason that you're more likely to find adult videos with the phrases frat house and cop than drama club and hairdresser, or that Gina Gershon chases after the femmiest of the femme in her dyke screen roles. The idea that we have enough sex appeal to "turn" a straight person for some same-sex nasty may be one of life's greatest ego boosts.

We're not talking closet cases and "everyone's bisexual" here--we're talking hard-core heteros, Kinsey zeroes whose last gay thought was sandwiched between Marcia and Harden. Because true conquest is not about tapping the inner queer, it's about knocking 'em dead with your wizard-level sexual magic. After all, gay sex remains one of straight people's biggest taboos, so you must be All That if you snag a breeder.

Anyway, cruising other gays and lesbians is just too easy, right? Landing that elusive heterosexual remains our Everest, our great white whale, our forbidden nonfruit. It's that double whammy of pursuing something we're told is out of our reach and the sweet gratification of closing the deal.

10 THERE'S MORE OF THEM THAN OF US Statistically speaking, there's no way around it: Gay romance is a long shot. Even the best odds have straight people outnumbering us by 10 to 1. Subtract the millions of us who are out of circulation thanks to the closet or to long-term relationships, and the odds get even worse. So what are we supposed to do when those hormones hit? Save ourselves for gay marriage?

Don't sweat it. Consider yourself lucky if even three or four of your last 10 crushes have been fellow travelers--and don't fret too much about your eyes' occasional detour into the straight and narrow. It's a big world, people, and it's full of scenery. Even if a gay Prince Charming is headed your way, how will you find him if you're wearing blinders?

Gay people paralyzed by a fear of STDs need to know: Celibacy driven by terror can be bad for your health

In the spring of 2004, Tom Trevor met a cute guy while vacationing in Hawaii. They fooled around but didn't have sex, which remained a possibility for when the pair planned to meet in San Francis co. When he returned home to Los Angeles, Trevor sent an instant message to his Hawaiian hottie: "I'm HIV-negative. What are you?"

The reply "I'm HIV-positive."

Trevor panicked. "I called my sister and said, 'Oh, my God--what if I'd had bleeding gums?'" he recalls. "I need to make out my will." Trevor now admits his reaction was silly. Yet, despite knowing how HIV and other sexual diseases are spread and how to play safe, he still hesitates to have sex. "I don't date very often," he says. "Men can't be totally trusted."

Twenty years after researchers announced they had isolated file retrovirus that was eventually named HIV, a percentage of gay men and lesbians are still so scared of AIDS and STDs that they're hesitant to have sex, even with protection. The recent rebound in syphilis and HIV cases has fueled their fears. Syphilis cases rose in 2003 for the third consecutive year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Gay men made up 60% of syphilis cases, compared with 5% in 1999. HIV diagnoses increased 17% among gay and bisexual men in 29 states between 1999 and 2002.

Experts say there are much deeper psychological reasons that help explain why some people are scared sexless. Actually, there are many similarities between gay men and lesbians who practice unsafe sex and those who fear having sex. They don't understand how much risk they face and how to protect themselves, notes Marshall Forstein, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

"On one hand, there is no way a human being can look at life as being totally safe," says Forstein, who specializes in mental health care for people living with HIV and AIDS. "On the other hand, people who have unprotected sex misinterpret the level of risk or view [HIV] as treatable."

Forstein says it's not a bad sign if people are celibate because they're holding out for long-term relationships--as long as they keep dating. However, it is unhealthy if people become so anxious about sex that it leads to celibacy and they rely on porn or the Internet for sexual gratification. Then they are trying to isolate themselves from fear, he argues.

Antigay social and religious messages leave some gay men feeling that it is not a question of if they will become HIV-positive but when. "There are people who grow up hearing that homosexuality is evil, and they're told there is some intrinsic connection between AIDS and being gay, which there isn't," says psychoanalyst Mark Blechner, author of Hope and Mortality: Psychodynamic Approach to AIDS and HIV. "When they grow up hearing that, it doesn't just fall away."

Experts say that an abnormal fixation on STDs can be a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder or hypochondria. The slightest feeling of fatigue can cause hypochondriacs to believe they have contracted HIV, even if their tests are negative and they have not been exposed to HIV. Brian Fanon, MD, coauthor of Phantom Illness: Recognizing, Understanding, and Overcoming Hypochondria, remembers one patient who had taken so many HIV tests that she was barred from taking them at labs in her city. Undeterred and unwilling to trust the test results, she went to New York and began another cycle of testing and immediate retesting. As with other hypochondriacs, the woman's negative test results provided temporary comfort before she panicked again and wanted additional testing.

"People like that will avoid sex unless they're 100% certain that the partners they're with are clean," says Fallon. "Then there's the other kind of hypochondriac. They are not usually hypochondriacal, but something bad happens that makes them feel guilty."

The latter is what happened to Kent, a 23-year-old San Francisco Bay Area resident who asked that The Advocate not use his last name. He abruptly stopped having sex after what he felt was a close call. However, a few months later he calmed down: "I finally [realized that] I'm free, and I'm not going to deny myself as long as I'm trying to be smart about it."

So how wary should gay men and lesbians be of contracting any STD, including HIV? "What we need to do is to make sure we've incorporated some basic protective behaviors into our sexual social etiquette," says Greta Batter, an assistant professor of public health at the University of New Hampshire. "Beyond that, each individual has to decide what level of risk to take and to be forthright with partners and prospective partners."